It Came From The Cineplex: The First Purge

The First Purge, aka All White People Are Evil, was written by James DeMonaco and directed by Gerard McMurray.

DeMonaco previously wrote Jack (the Robin Williams adult in a kid's body" movie), The Negotiator, Assault On Precinct 13 (the 2005 version) and Skinwalkers. Now that's an eclectic resume! He also created wrote and directed The Purge, The Purge: Anarchy and The Purge: Election Year. This is the first film in the franchise that he hasn't directed.

McMurray previously directed Burning Sands, whatever that is.

Despite the fact that I've seen every one of The Purge movies in the theater, I don't have any particular love for this franchise. I absolutely hated the original The Purge (I even gave it a D+!), as it seemed like a made for Siffy movie that was somehow released to theaters by mistake. It had an intriguing premise that was completely wasted on a bland and claustrophobic home invasion tale. I wanted to see what the Purge was like all across the country, not watch bunch of morons hide inside their house for ninety minutes.

Fortunately The Purge: Anarchy was a vast improvement (which I will admit is damning it with faint praise). No longer were we stuck in a single location with uninteresting characters, as we finally got to venture out on the streets during the annual Purge. It features Frank Grillo as an ex-cop who cleans up the streets during the Purge, and is probably the best Punisher movie Marvel never made.

Sadly, The Purge: Election Year felt like a step down, as it attempted to be a biting, insightful satire, but ended up as a lackluster farce instead. I inexplicably gave it a much too high B- when it came out, but after having time to process it, my opinion of it has dimmed quite a bit. If I had to grade it today, I'd give it a C- at best.

Thankfully, The First Purge manages to redeem the franchise somewhat. It's an action packed (once it gets going) film with a plot that's amazingly and uncomfortably close to real life. 

On the down side, it's not the usual sequel but actually a prequel. This makes sense, since the end of the third film implied that the Purge was outlawed. Unfortunately it suffers from the same problems as all prequels: it tells a story that didn't need to be told, and there's absolutely no tension or surprises, since we already know how it HAS to end.

The whole concept of the Purge has never made much sense to me, as it seems unlikely the government would ever propose such a ludicrous program. The First Purge seems to realize this, and does its best to offer an explanation. It's a pretty sketchy explanation that I don't buy for a minute, but at least it's something.

On the other hand, when The Purge came out back in 2013, the idea of a government-sanctioned crime spree was outrageous and completely unbelievable. Yet here we are five years later, and suddenly the idea of a national Purge doesn't seem all that crazy! With every passing day, real life is becoming more unbelievable than this ridiculous franchise.

So far the film's grossed a very impressive $121 million worldwide, against its modest $13 million budget. That makes it the highest grossing entry in the franchise yet, as the original The Purge made $89 million, The Purge: Anarchy $111 million and The Purge: Election Year $118 million (all worldwide totals). 

Of course it's highly possible this gradual box office increase could simply be due to inflation, and not popularity. Whatever the reason, The First Purge is a financial hit, which means another sequel or prequel or reboot or something is inevitable.

SPOILERS I GUESS, EVEN THOUGH THIS IS A PREQUEL AND YOU PRETTY MUCH KNOW WHAT'S GOING TO HAPPEN.

The Plot:
We open on an interview with Skeletor, a crazed junkie who prattles on and on about his intense hatred of society, and how he feels the need to "purge" and kill everyone. His interviewer makes it a point to mention that he likes the word "purge," and tells Skeletor he'll get his wish soon.

DID YOU HEAR THAT, AUDIENCE? WE JUST EXPLAINED WHY THE FRANCHISE IS CALLED "THE PURGE." DO YOU GET IT? DO YOU?

It's the near future, and America's an even bigger sh*thole than it is right now. Economic turmoil and racial tensions are at an all time high. In the midst of all this, the New Founding Fathers of America, aka the NFFA, have just been elected. They're determined to return America to its former, conservative (i.e., white) glory, no matter the cost.

To that end, NFFA Chief Of Staff Arlo Sabian and Dr. May Updale (played by Marisa Tomei, the only name you'll recognize in this film) come up with a doozy of an idea. Since they're both white, and therefore inherently evil, they propose a radical social experiment: Completely sealing off Staten Island and making all crime within legal for a twelve hour period. Supposedly this will allow residents to blow off steam and diffuse the dangerous societal powder keg. A Mini Purge, if you will. Sure, why not?

There're lots of protests, and many residents are reluctant to remain on the island during the Purge. Sabian's team counters this by offering residents $5,000 each to stay, and even more if they "participate." To make sure they don't cheat, everyone who stays will be given special high-tech contact lenses that'll record their actions during the Purge.

Cut to Dmitri, a "nice" drug lord that the movie treats like a legitimate businessman. He doesn't want anything to do with the Purge, and informs his employees they'll all be leaving the island for the duration. Capital A, one of Dmitri's dealers, wants to stay and purge their enemies. Dmitri slaps him down hard in front of everyone and threatens to kill him if he doesn't follow orders. If you don't immediately realize that Capital A will end up turning on Dmitri, then you've never seen a movie before.

Elsewhere on the island, a young man named Isaiah decides to try his hand at selling drugs. Unfortunately he has an unpleasant encounter with Skeletor, who slashes Isaiah's neck with a razor and runs off. Isaiah runs home to patch up his wound. Just then his older sister Nya enters, fresh from an Anti-Purge demonstration. She sees his injury, realizes he's been dealing and stalks off to find Dmitri.

Nya confronts Dmitri (who she used to date) and angrily accuses him of trying to turn Isaiah into one of his dealers. Dmitri assures her it wasn't his idea, and offers to try and talk him out of it. Nya tells him to keep away from her and her family. He offers to take her and Isaiah off the island during the Purge, but noble creature that she is, Nya insists on staying to try and help people.

The night of the Purge arrives, and everyone who's going ashore leaves by ferry. Nya enters a church, where she sees her friend Luisa and her daughter Selina, as well as her sassy comedy relief neighbor Dolores. The church is filled with residents planning to hunker down and ride out the Purge in safety.

In the distance a siren howls, signalling the start of the Purge. For the next twelve hours, ALL crime is legal on the island. Sabian and Updale anxiously monitor Staten Island from a control center somewhere.

Dolores asks about Isaiah, and Nya says he left to stay with their uncle in Brooklyn. Unknown to her, Isaiah secretly decided to stay in order to earn the $5,000 and get revenge on Skeletor for cutting him. He opens his Official Purge Package, which contains the camera contacts. He puts them in, and they cause his eyes to glow an eerie blue.

Meanwhile, a man tries to test out the Purge by prying open an ATM. He's interrupted by Skeletor, who's strapped hypodermic needles to one hand like an urban Freddy Krueger. Skeletor's also wearing contacts, so Sabian and his team can see what he's doing. Skeletor guts the ATM robber like a fish, and Sabian happily announces the Purge has its very first kill of the night. Um... hooray, I guess?

Sabian's enthusiasm is short-lived though, as few citizens actually turn to murder. In fact most of them simply start throwing huge block parties. This simply won't do, as Sabian's evil white reputation's on the line. He promised his NFFA bosses the Purge would be a bloodbath, and he'll be ruined if he doesn't deliver.

Cut to Isaiah, who wanders into one of the block parties. He runs into some friends, who see his glowing eyes and tell him to forget all this Purge nonsense and get drunk with them. Just then Skeletor appears, and starts stabbing various party-goers, causing the crowd to panic and run. Isaiah pulls a gun on Skeletor, but can't make himself pull the trigger. He drops the gun and takes off running, as Skeletor follows.

Isaiah runs through the streets, looking for a place to hide. He encounters a few murderous Purgers, but manages to escape. He holes up inside a building, and calls Nya for help. She tells him to stay put, and stupidly leaves the church in order to endanger herself and eat up some runtime.

Meanwhile, two hookers show up at Dmitri's apartment to keep him occupied during the Purge. They try to kill him in the middle of their foreplay, but Dmitri easily disarms them. They tearfully confess they were sent by Captial A, who wants to eliminate Dmitri and take over his business.

Nya searches for Isaiah, and is attacked by Skeletor. Isaiah suddenly appears and stabs him in the back, saving his sister's life. They run for their lives back to the church. When they arrive, they're shocked to see dead bodies lying everywhere, and look on in horror as several armed Purgers exit the church and drive off. Luisa and Selina appear, telling Nya they sneaked out the back when the shooting started. Nya asks about Dolores, but no one's seen her. The four make their way to Nya's apartment, hoping to survive the night there. Nya's overjoyed when she sees Dolores somehow made it there before them.

Meanwhile, Updale monitors the Purge in the control center, and notices several highly organized teams driving around killing civilians. She confronts Sabian, who says the Purge wasn't generating enough kills, so he hired mercenaries to up the murder count. He says America's become too overpopulated by impoverished minorities, who are a drain on society. Wiping out these undesirables is the only way to save the country. DID YOU GET THAT, AUDIENCE? THE EVIL WHITE LEADERS THINK KILLING POOR PEOPLE OF COLOR WILL SOLVE THE COUNTRY'S PROBLEMS! IT'S A PRETTY SUBTLE CONCEPT, SO YOU MIGHT EASILY MISS IT WHILE THE BAD WHITE MAN IS TWIRLING HIS MUSTACHE.

Even though Updale's also white, she's horrified by Sabian's callous "final solution," and tries to alert the media. Sabian orders his guards to drag her to a vacant lot, where she's coldly and callously executed.

Meanwhile, Dmitri and his crew roll up to Capital A's crib. Dmitri tells him he knows about his assassination attempt, and murders him and his men on the spot. Just then one of the merc teams drives by and begins firing on Dmitri's group. There's a big shootout, and Dmitri's forces eventually win. They take the mercs' guns and head back to their old neighborhood.

There they find Purgers dressed in KKK robes (because all white people are evil) shooting up the place, pinning down several of Dmitri's friends. He and his posse kill the Klansmen and save the residents. Unfortunately their victory is short lived, as Sabian's monitoring the situation. He sends out a pack of NFFA drones, which kill everyone but Dmitiri.

Dmitri takes a radio off a dead merc, and overhears another group planning to hit Nya's apartment building. He calls her and warns her, then gears up and heads for the building. The mercs arrive and begin systematically killing everyone on each floor of the building. Nya and the others grab a few makeshift weapons and barricade themselves in a back closet.

Dmitri arrives at the building and shuts off the power to give himself an advantage, as annoying emergency strobes begin flashing for the next ten minutes. He works his way up the building, killing the endless supply of mercs as the film suddenly turns into a carbon copy of The Raid.

A couple of mercs burst into Nya's apartment, but she shoots them in the legs while Isaiah viciously stabs them to death. Just then Dmitri arrives, but before he can get everyone out, even more mercs appear. They shoot up the apartment, pinning down Dmitri and the others. He peeks around a corner and sees them setting up an RPG! Before they can set it off though, Skeletor pops up out of nowhere, and kills several mercs before he's shot dead. Um... hooray for the violent, murderous junkie, I guess?

Dmitri takes advantage of the confusion and grabs a C4 explosive and tosses it at the surviving mercs. He shoots it, causing it to explode and wipe them out once and for all. That's not how C4 works, but let's just go with it or we'll be here all day.

Dmitri and Nya reunite, and I guess we're supposed to believe they still have feelings for one another. Just then the siren goes off, signalling the end of the Purge. The others emerge from the closet, and everyone makes their way downstairs and onto the street. The other citizens cheer Dmitri, even though there's no possible way they could know about his heroics in the apartment building. Isaiah asks Dmitri what happens next, and he says they have to start fighting back.

Cut to Sabian on the phone with the President, who congratulates him on the success of the experiment. Sabian then publicly announces the Purge was an unqualified success, and will be rolled out nationwide the next year.

Thoughts:
• So far I've given the movie a ton of crap for its "All White People Are Evil" message. Without fail, every single white person in the entire film is vicious, corrupt and villainous, while every person of color is noble, courageous and valiant. Even Dmitri, who's a drug dealer by trade, eventually takes charge and becomes the film's ostensible hero.

For the record I'm not upset or offended by idea, as I happen to agree with it. I'm fully aware that the bloated white plutocrats in our government are most definitely responsible for the hellscape that passes for our current society.

My problem with this idea is with its execution. Subtle it ain't, as the film's message is presented to us like a donkey braying in a library. You know that famous Star Trek episode that tried to tell us racism was bad by presenting us with aliens who were black on one side and white on the other? Multiply that episode by a million, and you'll have a good idea what this film's like.

Satire needs to be understated and clever, not broad and obnoxious. They definitely needed to turn down the message a notch or twelve.
• In the opening seconds of the film, Skeletor casually uses the word "purge" during an interview. This inspires his questioner to use the term for the upcoming social experiment.

Sighhhhhhhhhh... did we really need an origin story for the NAME of the goddamned franchise? Must EVERY tiny detail be explained these days? How I long for the days when movies let you figure out things for yourself, and didn't spoon feed every minor point to you.

• I saw both Superfly and The First Purge in the cineplex in the same week, and oddly enough, BOTH films feature "heroes" who are examples of the "Drug Lord With A Heart Of Gold" stereotype. Both characters are vicious, cold-blooded killers, but deep down they're actually nice guys. Plus, to paraphrase True Lies, the men they killed were all bad!

• This is the first movie in the franchise that doesn't feature actor Edwin Hodge as Dante Bishop. Dante appeared in the first three films, although he was unnamed in The Purge, called Dwayne in The Purge: Anarchy and changed his name to Dante in The Purge: Election Year. He was also killed off in the third film.

• Early in the first act, Skeletor slashes Isaiah's throat, which seems like it oughta be a pretty grievous injury. Apparently not though, as in the next scene we see Isaiah in the bathroom, covering up the wound with a single band-aid!t 

• Isaiah has a poster for the upcoming Halloween sequel/reboot on the wall of his room. That's interesting, as the movie hasn't come out yet as of this review. This isn't necessarily a mistake though, as The First Purge takes place sometime in the near future.

By the way, Halloween (2018) and The First Purge are both produced by Blumhouse Studios, which explains the appearance of the poster.

• I've always been a fan of Marisa Tomei, and was honestly surprised to see her in a movie like this. Apparently the producers could only afford her for one day, because she's in the film for ten minutes, tops.

Unfortunately she's terrrrrrrrible in this movie, as she gives new meaning to the phrase "phoning it in." Every time she appears onscreen she literally looks like she'd rather be anywhere else. 

She won a goddamned Oscar® for corn's sake, but you'd sure never know it from watching her here. So what happened? Was she contractually obligated to be in the movie or something? Did she not get along with the director?

• Citizens who participate in the Purge wear special contact lens cameras, which make their eyes glow with an eerie light. For some reason, each person's eyes glow a different color. 

This isn't necessarily a mistake, as it's highly possible there's an assortment of lens colors. However, the lenses seem to somehow be tuned in to the temperament of the person wearing them. Isaiah's lenses make his eyes glow a soft, pleasant blue, while Skeletor's are a sinister red. Funny how that just happened to work out, eh?

By the way, halfway through the movie the characters abruptly stop wearing the contacts for various reasons, as the film just sort of forgets about them. I'm betting the "glowing contact lens" CGI effect was really expensive, and they couldn't afford to use it for the entire movie.

• Longtime readers of my movie reviews know I have a major beef with The Purge franchise. See, every film in the series states that ALL crime is legal during the Purge. ALL. CRIME. 

And yet in every film, the only crime anyone ever engages in is plain old murder. Yawn!

What about bank robbery? If someone stole a million bucks during the Purge, would they get to keep the money after it was over? Could a person drive a brand new car off a lot without fear of incarceration? Cook all the meth you wanted? Steal someone's identity? Pirate hundreds of movies? 

Apparently these questions are none of our business, as the movies focus on murder alone. How boring.

Happily, at long, long last, this movie actually bucks the trend. As the Purge begins, we see one lone character trying to pry open an ATM and steal the money inside. Sadly, this brief glimpse into other forms of crime lasts a grand total of five seconds, and is never brought up again.

• The First Purge actually contains a couple of interesting ideas. Sabian (the evil white government man) is dead sure that once the Purge begins, everyone on Staten Island will immediately begin preying on one another.

There are a couple of instances of looting and a robbery or two, but for the most part the the residents either sit peacefully in their homes, or throw a series of rousing block parties! I have a feeling that's probably what would happen if the Purge was a real thing. Most people would just ignore it and try to go about their everyday lives.

In fact there's so little action during the early hours of the Purge that Sabian has to call in mercenaries to start murdering residents and stir up trouble! 

There's a lesson in there somewhere, that the majority of people are basically decent, and just want to be left alone.

• When Nya's out looking for Isaiah, she's almost pulled down into the sewer by a perverted Purger. Fortunately she manages to escape by kicking her attacker in the face, and calls him a "pussy-grabbing motherf*cker!"

This is obviously a nod— make that a dig— at President Trumpenstein, who famously bragged about "grabbing women by the pussy" before he was elected.

• In the third act, Updale is horrified when she discovers Sabian's plan to save the economy by wiping out impoverished minorities. 

Why's she so shocked? She's the one who came up with the idea of the Purge to begin with! You know, the social experiment that encourages citizens to "blow off steam" by killing one another? She has just as much blood on her hands as Sabian does, so why the bizarre, last minute attempt to redeem her character?

• I liked The First Purge OK, but even I have to admit it has its problems. For one thing, it takes a long, lonnnnnnnng time to finally get rolling. The action doesn't really take off until the third act, when it feels like an entirely different movie starts up and it turns into a shot-for-shot remake of 2011's The Raid. 

Which is fine, I guess— at this point there's nothing new under the sun, and if you're gonna swipe your plot from another movie, you might as well steal from the best!

The movie also feels fractured at times, as if the director couldn't decide which character to focus on. Isaiah starts out as the ostensible protagonist, but he's shoved aside by his sister Nya halfway through the movie. 

Then it the previously mentioned third act, the movie decides Dmitri's the hero, as he saves the day by violently murdering every evil white person he sees.

And therein lies the movie's biggest problem— the notion that violence can only be defeated by even greater violence. That may get the audience's fists pumping, but it's probably not the best message to hammer home in our current powder-keg of a society.

• By the way, this "rah-rah" ending, in which Dmitri The Friendly Drug Dealer is hailed as a hero by the residents of the island, is a hollow victory at best. We've already seen how the next three movies play out, so his seeming victory here means absolutely nothing.

It's obvious the studio forced this scene into the script because they wanted an upbeat ending, even if one wasn't possible and made no goddamned sense.

• Welp, The First Purge contains something I've never seen before— a commercial during the end credits! 

At the end of the movie the credits roll for a couple of minutes, then suddenly stop and fade to black. A goddamned commercial for USA Network's new The Purge TV series then starts up. Once it's over, the credits resume. THAT'S new!

The First Purge is an unnecessary— and unasked for— prequel to the franchise, which attempts to explain just how the whole thing started. Unfortunately it lacks a definite main character, has some pacing issues and beats the audience over the head with its blatant message. That said, it's not a terrible film, as it actually contains a few decent concepts. I give it a B-.

Cat-Tastrophe

Saw this SUV parked on the street a few days ago. Note the rear window decals.

I have a feeling visitors to this woman's home realize she has cats the second they walk through the doorway...

She's single too! Hint, hint, guys!

It Came From The Cineplex: Unfriended: Dark Web

Sigh... Once again I'm falling woefully behind on my movie reviews again here at Bob Canada's BlogWorld. Therefore in a desperate attempt to catch up, I'm posting a very short analysis of this film. I don't have much to say about this particular movie anyway, so there's no point in devoting 50,000 words to it. So sit back and enjoy this Micro Review!®

Unfriended: Dark Web was written and directed by Stephen Susco.

Susco previously wrote such classics as The Grudge, The Grudge 2, Red, High School, Texas Chainsaw 3D and Beyond The Reach. Unfriended: Dark Web is his directorial debut.

Blumhouse Studios earned a good deal of praise last year with the release of well-received films such as Split, The Belko Experiment and Get Out (which won a goddamned Oscar®!). Unfortunately they're taking all that good will and flushing it straight down the sh*tter with films like Blumhouse's Truth Or Dare and Unfriended: Dark Web. Way to tarnish your brand, guys! You can't coast on Get Out's success forever!

As you might have guessed, Unfriended: Dark Web is a followup to 2014's Unfriended. Full disclosure: I never saw the original film, so I was worried that I might have missed some vital details of the rich and complex Unfriended Cinematic Universe, and wouldn't be able to follow the sequel's densely plotted storyline.

I needn't have worried. Unfriended: Dark Web is a sequel in name only, as it shares none of the same characters, plotlines or concepts as the original. The only similarity between the two is the filming style.

As long time readers of my blog (both of you) know, I am NOT a fan of found footage films. The genre originated with Cannibal Holocaust in 1980, but it wasn't until 1999 that it really exploded with The Blair Witch Project.

The technique is fine when used sparingly, but studios insist on pumping out such films by the dozen. Unfortunately each subsequent found footage film has been met with audience disinterest and ever-diminishing box office returns. At this point it's pretty much a dead genre.

Unfriended: Dark Web (and its predecessor) try to put a new spin on the found footage movie, resulting in something even worse. Rather than a movie that was allegedly shot by the characters, the Unfriended films take place entirely on a single computer screen! It's a whole new "Desktop Movie" sub-genre!

Watching this film is literally like looking over someone's shoulder while they operate a computer or play a videogame. And just as frustrating! In fact when this film was finally over, it didn't seem like I'd watched a movie at all. Instead it felt like I'd been at work, staring at my screen for eight hours.

Amazingly Unfriended: Dark Web is one of THREE "desktop movies" to be released in 2018. The first was Profile, which premiered in February, and Searching is scheduled to come out in August. Weird.

The original Unfriended featured a supernatural element, as the ghost of a tormented teenaged girl who committed suicide returns to kill those who wronged her. Unfriended: Dark Web veers off in a completely different direction, ditching all the horror elements. 

This time the action is set firmly in the real world, as a band of millennials uncover some shady activity online, and are systematically murdered (oops, spoiler alert!) by a group of psychotic hackers.

I guess it's supposed to be a cautionary tale, warning us of the dangers of the information superhighway. That theme was very prevalent back in the late 1990s when the net was brand new and the general public didn't quite understand it. In 2018 though, not so much. The internet's become a crucial part of all our lives, and it's just not as scary as it once seemed.

Unfriended: Dark Web isn't a terrible movie, as it actually features some interesting concepts and a few decent performances. The problem lies in the execution. If it'd been shot as a normal narrative it could have been a decent little thriller. But having the action unfold on a single computer screen results in a deadly dull film experience.

Amazingly, the original Unfriended grossed an astonishing $64 million worldwide, against its minute $1 million budget! Unbelievable!

So far Unfriended: Dark Web isn't doing nearly as well, as it's grossed just $8 million against its minuscule $1 million budget. While that may not seem like much in these days of billion dollar blockbusters, it still made back its money and turned a decent profit!

THIS is why studios like low budget horror films— no matter how terrible they are, they always make money!

SPOILERS!

The Plot:
Keep in mind that the following happens ENTIRELY on one computer screen.

A young man named Matias is happy that he's finally got a brand new laptop, one fast enough to run the software he's created to help him communicate online better with his deaf girlfriend Amaya (I guess simply typing messages to one another like a common peasant is out of the question?).

Matias Skypes to Amaya, excitedly showing her the new software, which he calls Papaya. She's strangely disinterested by it and signs off. Just then Matias starts getting angry text messages from someone calling themselves "Norah C," as we realize he didn't actually buy the laptop, but stole it. Our hero, ladies and gentlemen!

Matias then joins the rest of his friends on Skype for their weekly game night. His pals consist of Damon, a computer whiz who lives in England, A.J., a hipster conspiracy theorist, Lexx, a female musician and Serena and Nari, a lesbian couple. He tells the gang about his "new" computer, and they congratulate him on his purchase.

The group plays Cards Against Humanity, while Matias tries to call Amaya back. He becomes frustrated when his "new" computer keeps crashing, and asks Damon what to do. He says it sounds like the hard drive's full, so Matias pokes around and finds a secret folder containing gigabytes of video files.

Matias mentions the folder, and his friends realize his computer isn't new and accuse him of stealing it. He insists that wasn't the case, as it was sitting in the Lost & Found at the cyber cafe where he works, and he took it home after no one claimed it. 

Matias receives a message meant for Norah C, from someone named "Charon68." Matias pretends to be Norah and answers the message, and is funneled to a message board called "The River." Matias' friends somehow see this as well, and A.J. says The River is part of the Dark Web (we have a title!).

Charon68 asks about payment for a video. Curious, Matias opens several of the hidden video files on the laptop, and discovers they're all scenes of real-life torture. Apparently there's a group of psychos out there who abduct young women, film them being tortured and then sell the videos to the highest bidder. 

Damon realizes that "Norah C" is "Charon" spelled backward, and is the name of the fetish group. Serena and Nari realize they've stumbled onto something they weren't meant to see, and insist on calling the police. 

Matias privately Skypes Amaya to make sure she's safe, but gets her roommate Kelly instead. Matias is horrified when he sees a shadowy figure appear behind Kelly and drag her away. A hooded figure, whose face is obscured by video glitches and artifacts, appears onscreen and says he's Charon IV. He demands Matias return the laptop immediately, or he'll kill Amaya. He also warns him against calling the police.

Matias returns to the group chat and tells the girls not to call the cops, as the whole thing was a game he made up. The others are incensed at him, but also relieved. Amaya calls Matias, and he convinces her to come to his apartment for her own safety.

Charon IV pesters Matias about the laptop again, upping his threats. Matias retaliates by transferring all of Charon's cryptocurrency into his own account, telling the hacker he'll get it back after Amaya arrives safely at his place. Smart, if dangerous.

Matias is then contacted by The Circle— the leaders of the Charons. They demand he knock off his shenanigans pronto, or they're be trouble. In order to show him they mean business, they demonstrate their power.

Just then the others then notice that Lexx is missing from her chat screen. A new window then pops up on their screen, showing Lexx standing on the roof of a building, for some reason. A glitchy figure appears behind her and shoves her off the roof to her death.

Matias and the others are horrified by what they've just seen. Nari secretly sneaks off to contact the police. This angers The Circle, so they take various audio files of A.J. and edit them together to make it sound like he's gonna shoot up a shopping mall. The police then burst into his basement and blow him away.

Serana then sees two windows pop up on her computer. One features Nari standing on a subway platform, and the other her terminally ill mother in her hospital bed. A Charon starts a countdown and demands she choose which one will live. When she refuses to choose, the Charons make the decision for her, shoving Nari in front of an oncoming subway train, and pulling the plug on Serena's mother. A Charon then shows up behind Serena in her home and kills her. 

Amaya exits the subway and heads toward Matias' place. Damon tells Matias to get out of his house and intercept Amaya. Matias jumps on his bike— with the laptop in hand— and rides off. He tells The Circle that Damon's working to copy everything from the laptop to send to the authorities.

Damon tells Matias that the Charons planted the laptop in the cafe, meaning for someone to find it and become involved with the Dark Web. Just then a Charon invades his apartment and hangs him to death. 

The Charons then use their editing skills to frame Matias, making it look like he's the abductor in one of the torture videos, in order to ruin his life.

Meanwhile, the Charons trick Amaya into thinking Matias wants to meet her inside an abandoned factory (sure, why not?). She's then attacked by a Charon and dragged away to be tortured.

Broken and defeated, Matias sits on his bike in the middle of a dark and isolated street. Gosh, I wonder what'll happen next? He asks the Charons why they're doing this, and they reveal the whole thing was a game regularly run by The Circle. 

A window pops up on the laptop, asking the Charons to vote on Matias' fate. The vote is overwhelmingly for his death, and he's instantly run over by a van. The camera pulls back to reveal Charon IV sitting in front of a laptop, as we realize the entire "movie" we just watched took place all on his screen.

NOTE: This movie actually features two different endings, which were randomly distributed to various cineplexes. In the second ending, Matias tells Amaya to go to their favorite hiking spot, where he first told her he loved her.

Matias gets to the spot first, and sees a large hole's been dug in the ground, and there's a casket lying in it. He's then knocked out and tossed into the casket.

Amaya arrives sometime later, after the hole's been filled in. She calls Matias' phone, and it rings underground, inside the casket. He desperately calls to her, but being deaf, she can't hear him. He tries to text her, but the Charons alter his messages to "I wish I could sign better." He then tries to video chat, but the Charons pixelate his mouth, so she can't read his lips. 

Eventually Amaya gets pissed at him and walks off, leaving Matias to suffocate underground.

Thoughts:
• The term "Dark Web" conjures up images of a shady, mysterious second internet, located somewhere deep below the one we all know and love. Sadly, that's nowhere near the truth. The Dark Web is nothing more than a series of sites that are invisible to mainstream search engines like Google, and can only be accessed by special software. That's all there is to it!

• Credit where it's due: Hats off to Stephen Susco for taking this sequel in a completely different direction, instead of simply rehashing the plot of the first film. Congrats as well for writing a film in which the characters act somewhat intelligently for the most part, and don't do anything overtly stupid just to advance the plot.

• Get used to the image above, because the whole film looks exactly like this. Nothin' but window after window after window popping up on a dull, drab computer screen. I wonder if they even bothered to hire a cinematographer for this film?

Speaking of cinematography, Unfriended: Dark Web may go down in film history as the ugliest movie ever made. Every single character is filmed by a low res webcam and lit by the nothing but the electronic glow of their computer screens. This results in everyone looking haggard and ghastly, as every tiny flaw is enhanced by the harsh, subpar lighting. 

Kudos to the actors for allowing themselves to be filmed this way! I sure wouldn't want my poorly-lit face to be blown up to fifty feet tall the way theirs were!

• This is most definitely a movie for the computer savvy. If you don't have at least a passing familiarity with computers and the internet, you will be completely lost ten seconds into the film. God forbid my parents ever try to watch it, as they would have absolutely no idea what the hell was happening.

• The film was originally titled Unfriended: Game Night, but was changed at the last minute. Probably a good idea, since an actual movie called Game Night came out earlier this year.

• I'll bet a good portion of the film's budget went toward buying the rights to use actual websites and applications, such as Facebook, Skype, Spotify and of course, Google. That couldn't have been cheap!

I'm glad they did it though, so we didn't get a movie filled with sites like Friendbook, Swipe and Gaggle! That would have been awful.

• Matias' girlfriend Amaya is deaf, so he develops a piece of software that translates his speech into sign language, so she can understand him better. She's strangely unimpressed by his hard work though, and spends the whole film acting distant and aloof toward him. Almost to the point where you wonder what the hell he sees in her.

Eventually she explains herself, saying Matias' app makes it easy for her to understand him, but not for him to understand her. Whaaaa...? I don't get it. Can she not just speak to him? Or is she mute as well? If so, can't she just type what she wants to say to him when they're Skyping? It feels like some half-baked writing here.

Also, writing a program that translates spoken words into video clips of American Sign Language is a pretty impressive achievement. If Matias has the skills and know-how to do that, why the hell is he working as a barista in a cyber cafe?

• By the way, Amaya is played by actress Stephanie Nogueras, who's actually deaf in real life. Thank the Christ Baby Jesus! Now we won't have to hear the whining and bleating of the SJW crowd that a studio had the unmitigated gall to cast an able-bodied actor in the role of an impaired person!

• Nari is played by actress Betty Gabriel (not Betty Grable), who's easily the most recognizable member of the cast. She was in The Purge: Election Year, Get Out and Upgrade. She's also appeared in several episodes of HBO's Westworld series.

• Those Charons are quite the talented hackers. They can access and control literally everything that happens on the internet or a computer screen. They can even mask their identity by somehow causing their faces to be covered with static and video artifacts whenever they appear on a webcam!

They're also quite theatrical. Whenever Matias gets a message in his chat window, it's accompanied by a musical tone that rises at the end. When the Charons message him though, they alter this tone to a descending tone in a minor key, so it sounds ominous and sinister.

They also delete all their text bubbles by causing them to vibrate for a second before disappearing! As I said, pretty theatrical of them.

• The movie takes a sudden and disturbing turn when Matias opens the files on his stolen laptop, which turn out to be torture porn videos. This detour comes completely out of nowhere, and stops the film in its tracks. Up to that point it had just been a mediocre tech thriller, but after that it just became nasty and unpleasant. I wanted to go home and take a long hot shower after it was over.

• Words You'll Learn From Watching Unfriended: Dark Web: Trephination. It's the process of drilling a hole in one's skull, usually to relieve pressure on the brain. The Charons use it as part of their torture though, for some reason.

• Near the end of the movie, one of the Charons' torture victims somehow escapes, and approaches the screen, asking for help. Somehow she sees herself on the webcam, and notices a cork sticking out of the middle of her forehead. Curious, she grabs the cork and pulls, revealing a large trephinated hole drilled into her skull. She then lets out a blood-curdling scream as she realizes what's happened to her.

That... that makes absolutely zero sense. How the hell could she not know she had a hole in her skull? It's unlikely she'd have been unconscious when it was drilled, because the Charons' M.O. is torture. It's no fun torturing an unconscious victim who's oblivious to pain.

OK, let's say she was conscious when they started drilling, and she quickly passed out from the pain and her mind made her forget about it. There's still a goddamned cork sticking out of her forehead! Surely to hell she'd have felt THAT!

• As mentioned in the plot synopsis, for some odd reason Unfriended: Dark Web features 2, count 'em two different endings, distributed randomly to cineplexes. For the record, my theater got the "Matias Gets Run Over By A Van" ending, which seems like the lesser of the two.

I have no idea why they went with two endings here. Did the studio hope that when audiences found out, they'd hurry to another theater hoping to catch the other finale? Nice try, guys, but that ain't gonna happen. You're lucky you conned people into seeing this movie ONCE. There's no way anyone's gonna pay to see it a second time.

This isn't the first time a studio's used this gimmick. 1985's Clue had three alternate endings, each of which revealed a character as the killer. These endings were also randomly distributed to theaters.

2009's X-Men Origins: Wolverine had three different end credits scenes, which again, were randomly distributed.

Eh, I dunno. I'm not a fan of this stunt. Seems to me that if a movie has three (or more) different endings, then none of them really matter. Pick one and go with it already.

Unfriended: Dark Web is a mediocre techno thriller that's worse than a found footage film, as the entire thing takes place on one computer screen. This results in a "movie" that's literally like looking over someone's shoulder as they futz around on their computer. The story's actually not terrible, and it could have been a decent little film without the annoying gimmick. As is though, it just comes off as dull. I give it a C.

Working Ninety Five

This week 20th Century Fox announced they're planning a sequel (not a reboot!) to the 1980 workplace comedy 9 To 5, which will star the original cast (!).

Jesus wept!

If you can believe their publicists, Dabney Coleman is currently 86, Jane Fonda's 80, Lily Tomlin is 78 and Dolly Parton's the kid of the group at a youthful 72. How the hell could any of their characters still be working in an office?

The only way this film can possibly work is if it's a humorous look at how the modern American worker can't afford to retire.

It Came From The Cineplex: Superfly

Sigh... Once again I'm falling woefully behind on my movie reviews again here at Bob Canada's BlogWorld. Therefore in a desperate attempt to catch up, I'm posting a very short analysis of this film. I don't have much to say about this particular movie anyway, so there's no point in devoting 50,000 words to it. So sit back and enjoy this Micro Review!®

Superfly was written by Alex Tse and directed by... um, Director X.

Tse previously co-wrote Watchmen and that's about it. Director X, aka Little X, aka Julien Christian Lutz, is mostly known for helming dozens of music videos. Movie-wise, he previously directed such classics as Across The Line and Center Stage: On Pointe.

The film is a very faithful remake of 1972's Super Fly (note the space in the original title). Wait, did I say "faithful?" I meant identical. In fact it's so similar to the source material that I can't help but wonder why they bothered to remake it at all. 

Superfly (2018) reuses the exact same plot as the original film("good" drug dealer wants to get out of the game and retire), and even recycles all the same characters, right down to their names! In an astonishing burst of originality though, the remake moves the action from the mean streets of New York and relocates it to the mean streets of Atlanta. Brilliant!

The original Super Fly, along with Cotton Comes To Harlem, Sweet Sweetback's Baadasssss Song and Shaft, kicked off the "blaxploitation" craze of the early 1970s. These were violent, gritty films shot on location in New York City, featuring black antiheroes who were cool as ice as they stuck it to the Man.

Although blaxploitation movies were aimed at an urban demographic, they resonated with the general public as well, and audiences flocked to them in droves. Shaft, for example, grossed $13 million (which was a lot in 1971 dollars!) against its minute $500,000 budget.

This caused Hollywood to take notice, and in no time flat, studios everywhere were pumping out films featuring leading men of color. 

Critics were split on the films. Some called them empowering, as for the first time in film history, blacks were allowed to write, direct and act in their own productions. Others— including the NAACP itself— condemned them movies, saying they did nothing but glorify drug use and perpetuate negative stereotypes associated with blacks. Both sides made some pretty good points.

This is why it seems iffy at best to remake a blaxploitation movie here in 2018. It's a genre whose time has definitely come and gone.

The original Super Fly was notable for its highly influential soundtrack, which featured such funk classics as Pusherman, Freddie's Dead and or course the title track.

Sadly, I don't think anyone's gonna leave the theater humming any of the forgettable tunes from this remake. Honestly, was there even any music in it? It didn't even register in my brain.

So far the film's grossed a little over $20 million (domestically— no overseas distribution) against its $16 million budget. Due to marketing and other hidden costs, movies these days need to make around twice their production budget before they turn a profit. Unfortunately this means Superfly is a certified box office dud.

SPOILERS FOR A REMAKE OF A 46 YEAR OLD FILM!

The Plot:

Youngblood Priest (played by Trevor Young) is an enterprising coke dealer with a heart of gold, who's been working the mean streets of Atlanta since he was eleven. His empire affords him the best of everything— fine clothing, fast cars and luxury living quarters, which he shares with his two beautiful girlfriends.

Unfortunately not everyone is happy with Priest's success. Like Juju, a member of the Snow Patrol (a rival gang whose members dress in white ski gear year round). The young hothead resents Priest so much that he takes a potshot at him in front of a nightclub. This close call causes Priest to reevaluate his life, and he decides to get out of the drug business and retire to Montenegro— with his girlfriends, of course.

In order to do that though, Priest needs to make— you guessed it— one last big score. Oy.

To that end, Priest goes behind the back of his mentor and supplier Scatter (played by Michael Kenneth Williams), and teams up with Morales, the head of a deadly Mexican drug cartel. 

Priest wheels and deals and becomes the biggest supplier in all of Atlanta, which angers the Snow Patrol, along with pretty much every other thug in the city. There're lots of shootouts, fight scenes and car chases along the way, which I won't bore you with here.

Priest prides himself on his clean criminal record, having always flown under the radar of the police. That changes when Fat Freddy, a member of Priest's posse, is caught speeding by a racist white cop. As a result of this, the cop and his partner begin blackmailing Priest— they'll let him continue running his empire, provided they get a healthy cut of the profits.

Things go from bad to worse for Priest when the Snow Patrol attacks his luxury apartment, killing one of his girlfriends in the process. His former friend Scatter begins gunning for him as well, as does Morales.

Just when it looks like things can't get any worse for Priest, we realize he's been planning an intricate endgame all along. He wipes out the Snow Patrol, frames the crooked cops for possession and kills Scatter. And in a final twist, he informs Morales' mother that her son is a snitch, forcing her to brutally kill her offspring.

With everyone else in the cast dead or out of the picture, Priest gets his big score and is set for life.

The movie ends with Priest and his remaining girlfriend relaxing on a speedboat in Montenegro, where they live happily ever after. Um... hooray for the violent, murderous drug dealer, I guess?

Thoughts:

• I don't have much to say about this film, so this'll be mercifully quick.

• Oh dear. Regular readers of Bob Canada's BlogWorld all know what to do whenever this logo pops up on the screen. You immediately gather your belongings and head for the nearest exit at a brisk walk! 

• It seems really bizarre to me to shoot a film (twice!) that features a murderous drug dealer as the ostensible hero. And make no mistake, we're definitely meant to root for Priest here and hope he succeeds, despite the fact that he's a vicious killer. In fact he's even rewarded for his actions at the end of the film!

Heck, the movie actually glamorizes the gangster lifestyle, as Priest and his pals are all fabulously wealthy, enjoy the best of everything and are apparently immune from the law. It makes drug dealing look like a viable career option!

Of course we never see any of the fallout from Priest's business, such as strung out addicts, dead junkies or crack whores. That wouldn't make his actions look very heroic now, would it?

This romanticizing of a criminal made sense in the 1970s, as that was the era of gritty, subversive movies that featured violent anti-heroes as the protagonists. It's a little more iffy in today's easily offended world. I'm honestly surprised no one's complained about Superfly (2018) yet.

• For a film from a director of music videos, Superfly isn't very... er, music video-y. I was expecting something with a bit more style, but the whole film's shot very simply and matter-of-factly. It's not an ugly film by any means (like the original was), but it doesn't have any kind of signature look to it.

• Priest is played by Trevor Jackson, who's a prolific young singer, songwriter, dancer and actor. I'm sure he's quite talented, but he was completely wrong for the role of Priest. The part calls for someone with charisma and screen presence, and unfortunately Jackson has neither. About the only thing he has going for him here is his impressive, antigravity hairdo.

• Man, that Priest is somethin' else! In addition to being the coolest, hippest, best dressed drug dealer in town, he also has the ability to dodge bullets at near point blank range— in slow motion yet! Amazing!

• Apparently Superfly takes place in a universe in which there are few if any police, as Priest and his crew are free to do pretty much anything they want— including shooting multiple people on a city street in broad daylight— without fear of incarceration.

There are a couple of corrupt officers who show up in the third act, but they end up just blackmailing Priest, not arresting him or any of the rival gangs.

This is pretty much the case in ALL action movies though, so I can't fault the film too much for following the rules of its own genre.

•  I was shocked to see actual, honest-to-goodness naked boobs in a mainstream studio film like Superfly. For some reason female nudity is a rarity in movies these days.

While we're on the subject of nudity, Superfly contains what may be the dullest threeway sex scene ever. Early in the film Priest and his two gal pals decide to take a shower together, and all pile into the crowded stall. What follows is the blandest, lamest and most boring threesome in film history. How the hell can you screw up a threeway?

• Superfly makes an attempt at relevance by injecting some unfortunate real-world story elements into its script. At one point Fat Freddy, a member of Priest's posse, is pulled over by a corrupt white cop. When the cop finds cocaine in the car, he pretends Freddy's got a gun (for the benefit of his dash cam) and shoots him dead where he sits.

It's a shocking and brutal scene, mainly because it comes completely out of nowhere. Up to this point the film was filled with over the top, action movie violence. Then suddenly it switches gears and gives us a chillingly realistic scene that could have been spliced in from the evening news. The tonal shift is enough to give the audience whiplash.

Also, the sight of a white cop killing an unarmed black man likely hit a little too close to home for some audience members. I get that the script wanted us to hate the racist cop, but there were better ways to go about it. The scene was unsettling and uncomfortable for audiences of any color, and didn't belong in a silly genre film like this.

• One of the corrupt cops who blackmails Priest is Detective Mason. All through the film I thought she was played by Jennifer Jason Leigh. Imagine my surprise when the credits rolled, and I saw she was actually played by Jennifer Morrison, whoever that is. Seriously, they look almost identical. I guess they call Morrison when they can't get Jason Leigh.

The original Super Fly was a cultural icon back in the day, but its time has long passed— something this lukewarm remake doesn't seem to understand. Superfly (2018) isn't a terrible film, but it lacks visual style, features a dull as dishwater lead and brings nothing new to the table. It also features a misguided and awkward attempt at relevance, which will just leave audiences feeling ill at ease and uncomfortable. If you absolutely have to see this story, stick with the original and give this version a miss. I give it a C+.