Friday, April 13, 2012

This Is Why Your MuuMuu Doesn't Fit

This week Pizza Hut UK announced they're releasing a brand new stuffed crust pizza. The crust of this latest delicacy will be stuffed with... hot dogs.

That''s one of the grossest things I've ever seen, and I ate cow stomach when I was in China. Why don't they just inject the crust with lard and get it over with?

Dear Lord, is there any food combination people will not stuff down their gaping maws? I'd love to have been in the marketing meeting for this product.

"Jenkins, our pizza sales are in the crapper. The public loves pizza, but our meat-lovers line has an unfortunate tendency to kill off a major portion of our core customers. We need new blood! New, cholesterol-free blood! Talk to me!"

"W-well boss," said Jenkins, "as you mentioned, our stuffed crust pizzas are one of our most popular items. Perhaps we could find some new food-like substance to insert into our crust. Something like, oh I don't know... Sloppy Joes. No, too messy. The crust would turn orange and soak through. Tamales? No, too greasy and too ethnic. Pound cake? No, too sweet. Salad? Heh, what am I saying? Nobody likes salad. I've got it! We'll stuff the crust with hot dogs! They're cheap, filling and very much like food!"

"Jenkins, you're a genius! Start rolling with that right away!

I have an ambivalent attitude toward hot dogs to begin with, as I tend have an aversion to eating hooves and snouts compressed into a tube shape. The idea of enjoying a nice slice of pizza and then suddenly biting into a pale, clammy boiled hot dog sends chills up and down my spine. Your mileage or course, may vary.

Right now this dubious concoction is available only in the UK, and Pizza Hut says they have no plans to bring it to America. Good. I'm afraid if they did bring it here to the land of stretch pants and mobility scooters the Earth might tip over on our side.


  1. Yum ! Great idea Bob... Sloppy-Joe stuffed crust is GENIUS !

  2. "I'm afraid if they did bring it here to the land of stretch pants and mobility scooters the Earth might tip over on our side."

    hahahahahaha! You made me laugh so hard a tear ran down my leg.

  3. @Dawn: There are days when I'm out grocery shopping when I feel like I'm the only one in the store walking on two feet. Everyone around me is puttering along on scooters.


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