Saturday, May 8, 2021

Legends Of Tomorrow Season 6, Episode 1: Ground Control To Sara Lance

It's the Season 6 premiere of Legends Of Tomorrow!

I gotta say, although I generally enjoy this show, I'm honestly surprised it's lasted as long as it has— especially after the dismal Season 4. It's so utterly bizarre, offbeat and downright insane that I can't imagine it'd appeal to a general audience. I assume it must have a core of diehard viewers who number just enough to keep it off the cancelation list.

Beginning in its third year, the show began introducing season-long story arcs in which the Legends had to track down various supernatural subjects and contain or eliminate them.

In Season 3 they went after "aberrations," aka people who ended up in the wrong time period. In Season 4 they had to contain monsters and other magical creatures. In Season 5 they hunted down "encores," who were villains that Astra released rom Hell. 

This year it looks like they'll be spending the whole season hunting down aliens who've been unleashed on Earth.

Many fans believe this season will feature Warworld. In the comics, it's a large mobile sphere not unlike the Death Star, which was brimming with armaments and could destroy entire planets. It was controlled by an alien Warlord named Mongul, who was eventually defeated by the combined might of Superman & Supergirl.

Eh, I suppose it's possible, although the idea of a planet-killing battle station seems a bit beyond this series' meager budget. After all, this is the show that regularly finds ways to keep its superheroes from using their powers in order to save money!

Speaking of powers...  It occurred to me this week that for a show called Legends Of Tomorrow, it contains precious few actual legends. Or superheroes, for that matter. In fact the vast majority of its characters are just normal people, without any sort of powers at all. 

Don't believe me? Check out the cast:

White Canary: A normal human with above average fighting skills
Heat Wave: A normal human armed with a flame thrower gun.
Ava Sharpe: A cloned human with zero superpowers.
Zari 2.0: A normal human who's basically a less annoying Kardashian, who sometimes borrows her brother's Air Totem.
Behrad: A normal human who occasionally wields the Air Totem.
Astra: A normal human who grew up in Hell and has zero superpowers.
Steel: An actual meta who can turn his body into organic metal, and the only current team member with any actual superpowers.

See? There's only one actual superpowered superhero in the whole damn bunch! The show might as well be called Regular Citizens Of TomorrowAnd to add insult to injury, this week they added yet another regular person to the cast: 

Spooner: A normal human who may or may not have an alien implant in her brain. Jaysis, would it be too much to ask to have some actual superheroes in this superhero show?

And while we're on the subject of characters: I spent much of last season complaining about the character of Steel, and how he serves absolutely zero purpose on the show. When he joined the show in Season 2 he was the Legends' resident historian, which is a good thing for a team of time travelers to have. That notion's long been forgotten, as I can't remember the last time he demonstrated his historical knowledge.

He then began hooking up with the various eligible ladies on the show, as he had a fling with both Vixen and Zari 1.0. They both dumped him hard, as Vixen went back to her own time period and Zari fled to a pocket dimension rather than stay with him. Heck, even his best bro Atom got hitched and left the show.

My point is, Steel hasn't had a decent story arc in years, and he went through all of Season 5 with literally nothing to do or no reason to be there. So please, Legends writers, for the love of Beebo, give Steel something to do on the show or write him out. Yes, I'm aware I just complained that there're no superheroes on the show and now I'm suggesting getting rid of the only character with any powers. But it's honestly become painful to watch him. 

SPOILERS!

The Plot:
Picking up the day after the Season 5 finale, the Legends are hanging out in 1977 London. Heat Wave returns to the Waverider, which is filled with unconscious punk rockers. He finds Sharpe passed out in the ship's lone bathroom. She asks where Canary is, but Heat Wave has no idea. He notices the word "Skyemont" and an address written on her hand.

Cut to the Skyemont Hotel, as Constantine and Zari 2.0 snuggle together in bed (ewww!). Suddenly Sharpe and Heat Wave burst in and see them. Sharpe throws up at the sight (I know the feeling!), then asks if they've seen Canary. Zari 2.0 gives Sharpe a casino business card that someone handed her the night before.

Cut to the casino, where Astra's playing poker and fleecing the other players. One of them accuses her of cheating, and she says she's just lucky. He points a gun at her head, and suddenly the Legends appear behind her, glaring at the other player. Astra collects her winnings, and she & the Legends leave. Astra tells the others she hasn't seen Canary, but thinks she might be at the club where they saw Charlie & her band perform the night before.

At the club, Steel's there telling all his relationship troubles to David Bowie. The Legends enter, and Steel says he last saw Canary at last night's show. Bowie realizes who're they're talking about, and says he saw Canary get sucked up into the sky by a spaceship. He tells them he filmed the whole thing on his state of the art Super 8 camera.

Onboard the Waverider, the Legends develop Bowie's film and watch it. Canary appears in the footage, showing Bowie an engagement ring and telling him she plans to ask her girlfriend to marry her. Sharpe's shocked and touched by this announcement. Her happiness is short lived though, as she sees a blue tractor beam pull Canary into the sky.

Elsewhere, Canary wakes up in a tiny, coffin-like cell. Suddenly gas emerges from the wall, freezing everything it touches. She hits a control panel, which opens the door and causes her to spill out. She wanders around until she finds a window, and sees the Earth far below. She realizes she's on an alien ship.

Back on the Waverider, Sharpe says they need to get organized if they're going to find Canary. Constantine says he & Canary have shared a psychic link since he rescued her from Purgatory, so he goes to the House Of Mystery to use his magic to locate her. The rest of the Legends flake out and prove useless.

Sharpe tells Steel they need to call the DEO (of Supergirl fame) for help in dealing with aliens. She phones them, but unfortunately gets no answer. Gideon helpfully chimes in, saying the DEO was destroyed by Rama Khan in 2020.

On the alien ship, Canary wanders through the deserted corridors. She finds another pod and opens it, and the actual Spartacus from Biblical times spills out. He introduces himself and walks off. Canary follows him.

Somehow Behrad finds a twenty year old tabloid with a headline featuring Esperanza Cruz, a young girl who was also abducted by aliens. According to the article, once she was returned she had a psychic link with her captors. Behrad thinks she might be able to help them find Canary. Sharpe's skeptical, but sends Behrad and Heat Wave to check her out just in case.

Back on the alien ship, Spartacus realizes there are prisoners in all the pods around them, and says they could help him stage a rebellion against their captors. Canary advises him not to blindly open the pods, but he ignores her and does so anyway. Immediately a hostile alien creature emerges from a pod and attacks Canary. She manages to knock it out, while Spartacus simply watches. She says they need to find the bridge.

Heat Wave & Behrad show up at Esperanza's address, which is a highly fortified compound. Apparently she wants to make sure she isn't abducted again. They break in, and she monitors them on multiple security cameras. As they look around, she sneaks up and shoots them both with tranq darts.

Meanwhile, Canary & Spartacus find the bridge, where they see two aliens flying the ship. Canary says they should wait till the aliens split up, but Spartacus immediately attacks. As he charges onto the bridge, one of the aliens grabs him with its tentacles, opens its massive chest cavity and somehow swallows him whole. The alien then leaves the bridge.

Back on Earth, Constantine's at the House of Mystery, using a summoning spell to locate Canary. Unfortunately it doesn't work, as he explains that aliens are simply outside his element. Astra says when she was in Hell she remembers hearing of Aleister Crowley and his The Book Of The Law, which detailed his dealings with aliens.

Constantine says he once freed Crowley from Hell and kept his book. He looks for it on his shelf, but can't find it. He realizes his apprentice Gary Green took it. He goes to Gary's room to look for the book, and finds an opened alien chrysalis hanging from the ceiling.

Cut to the ship, where Canary confronts the lone alien on the bridge. It begins chattering away, but she can't understand it. The alien then takes out a pair of glasses, puts them on and transforms into Gary. GASP!

Constantine, Zari 2.0 and Astra return to the Waverider. They tell Sharpe that Gary's been an alien all along. Zari 2.0 demonstrates by putting on a spare pair of Gary's glasses and transforming into him.

On the ship, Gary tells Canary he was sent to Earth to capture "The Quintessential Human"— in other words, her. He says Spartacus was just his boss' lunch. He says he couldn't go through with his mission, as he fell in love with Canary and all humans. Eventually his boss— whose name is Kayla— came to pick him up and complete the task. Canary orders him to tell her everything he knows about the alien ship.

Elsewhere, Heat Wave & Behrad wake up and see they're both tied down to slabs. Esperanza appears and says she goes by the name "Spooner" now (?). She thinks they're both aliens, and says she plans to dissect them. They use their comms to call for help.

Gideon picks up their signal, and Sharpe flies the Waverider to their location. Spooner sees the ship and fires some sort of energy weapon at it (?), blasting a hole through the hull. Sharpe opens a Time Bureau portal and appears before Spooner. She says they're not aliens but time travelers, and need her help to find Canary. Spooner says that's just what she'd expect an alien to say, and starts to fire. Just then Heat Wave, who's somehow freed himself, shoots Spooner with her own tranq gun.

On the ship, Canary says they need to take control from Kayla, open a wormhole and fly back to Earth. Gary removes his glasses, transforms back into an alien and goes to confront his boss. The two argue for a while, and Kayla returns to the bridge. Canary attacks Kayla, but she easily throws her back into her pod and locks her in.

Spooner wakes on the Waverider, and Sharpe asks her about her alien connection. She says they implanted something in her brain, and the aliens can track her with it. Sharpe promises to remove the implant if she helps them locate Canary first. Spooner reluctantly agrees.

They take Spooner to the bridge, where Constantine's drawn a symbol on the floor. He gives her a smoothie made from Gary's cocoon (yuck!) to help her home in on him. She makes contact with him, and Sharpe jumps into the symbol, hoping to speak to Canary.

Inside the pod, Canary's being frozen alive again. Suddenly Sharpe's face appears, and she tells her she accepts her proposal and to hurry home. Just then Constantine collapses, as keeping the connection open is draining his lifeforce. Sharpe disappears from the pod.

Canary then struggles to put on the engagement ring she bought for Sharpe and use it to cut the glass door of the pod. Using the last of her strength she punches through it and escapes. Kayla hears and attacks. The two then begin battling again.

On the bridge, Gary says he's managed to open a wormhole. Canary opens an airlock, hoping Kayla will be blown into space. Unfortunately the alien uses her tentacles to grab onto the sides of the airlock. Canary then releases several of the pods, which crash into Kayla. She and the pods are then ejected from the ship, and sucked into the wormhole. Canary closes the airlock.

On the Waverider, Behrad takes Spooner to the Medbay, where Gideon prepares to remove her alien implant. Gideon scans her, but says there's no alien tech in her head. Nevertheless, Spooner says she can hear alien voices all around her.

They go to the Bridge, where the others are watching the alien pods floating through the Temporal Zone. Sharpe smiles, saying such chaos could only be caused by Canary, which means she's obviously still alive.

Back on the ship, Gary reports they're almost out of fuel. They head toward the wormhole, but just as they reach the edge it disappears, leaving he & Canary hopelessly stranded in space.

Thoughts: 
RETCON ALERT: At the end of the Season 5 finale, Constantine asks Astra what she's gonna to do now that she's been freed from Hell. She tells him she's gonna hang out in the House Of Mystery for a while.

I guess she must have changed her mind about that, because in this episode she accompanies the gang as they run around looking for Canary.

Then at the end of this episode she tells Constantine she can't keep getting roped into going on missions with the Legends, and wants to try a normal life. She then immediately appears in the trailer for next week's show.

So what the hell? Is she on the team or not? I hope she's not gonna spend the entire season getting roped into missions and then complaining about it, because that'll get old real fast.

Honestly I don't understand why she's still on the show at all. Her storyline reached a satisfying conclusion at the end of last season, and I don't really see anywhere for her character to go. It's like they're trying to make her the new Charlie, but it ain't working.

• Naturally no matter where you are in London, the Clock Tower (aka Big Ben) is visible through every window and doorway.

• One of my favorite things about Season 5 of Legends was Heat Wave's relationship with Lita, the daughter he never knew he had. It was a fun and emotionally rewarding arc, as our favorite curmudgeonly pyromaniac learned to open up a bit and become a much-needed father figure to his daughter. I looked forward to seeing more of them together this year.

Well, it looks like that notion got flushed right down the ol' crapper. This week Sharpe asks Heat Wave where his daughter is and he replies, "I dropped Lita off at her mom's."

That's it? No emotional goodbye? No farewell scene of any kind? She just quietly disappears from the show completely offscreen? What a load of crap!

I've no idea if Lita just isn't in this episode or if she's truly left the series for good. I'm hoping she'll be back, but who knows.

• Speaking of crappers, this week we get a rare look at the Waverider's one & only bathroom.

Note that this isn't the first time we've seen it, as it made its debut in Season 5's Ship BrokenIn that episode we actually saw it on a monitor, which means there's apparently a security camera inside the bathroom! Jesus Christ! OK, there's obviously a door to the actual toilet area, so the crew can have a bit of privacy while they're pooping. But the rest of the bathroom is clearly under surveillance! Anyone coming out of the shower better remember to wrap a towel around themselves, or they'll give Gideon a free show!

Also, in Season 4's The GetawayMona comes onboard the ship and makes a comment about all the buttons on the "futuristic" toilet. Canary and Heat Wave both sternly warn her never to touch the red one. At the time I pointed out that there was clearly no red button anywhere near the commode when we saw it in Ship Broken.

Welp, looks like I was in error there. When we see Sharpe hugging the bowl in this shot, there's a prominent control panel on the wall next to the toilet. Sure enough, there's a big red button visible on it! Well done, guys!

On the other hand, despite what Mona thinks, that is most definitely not a futuristic toilet, as it looks exactly like a modern one. Whoops!

By the way, kudos to the makeup department here for making Jes Macallan look like she just woke up from a week long bender! She really does look rough here!

• Canary leaves a note on Sharpe's hand, which reads "After-After Party, Skyemont, Room 502." Based on the room number, I assume that's a hotel. I googled it, but there doesn't appear to be a real Skyemont Hotel in London— at least not in 2021.

• Still NOT a fan of the Constantine/Zari 2.0 pairing. They're probably the two least compatible characters on the show, and it makes zero sense for them to hook up. In real life a privileged, entitled American like her would probably call the police if someone like Constantine even glanced at her.

• If you watch closely, when Behrad mentions "Starman" you can see Constantine's ears prick up a tiny bit. 

At last count, there've been a whopping TWELVE different Starmans in DC Comics over the years. Does Constantine's reaction mean he encountered one or more of them in the past? Or does he simply recognize it as David Bowie's nickname?

• Speaking of David Bowie— the Legends run into him this week. He actually turns out to be useful, as he provides a clue as to Canary's whereabouts. As is typical for this series though, the actor they found to play him looks about as much like the Thin White Duke as I do. Which ain't very much!

Oh, and as I'm sure everyone's figured out by now, the title of this episode is a reference to Bowie's Space Oddity song, which features the line, "Ground Control to Major Tom."

• After learning that Canary's been abducted by aliens, Sharpe cleans herself up and goes into full "Super Efficient Ex Director Of The Time Bureau Mode" to get her back. Amazingly it appears she already has a contingency plan for such an event, as her clipboard reads "Scenario 601: Missing Legend Sara Lance."

Does this mean she has a plan and a binder ready in case ANY of the Legends go missing? Also, I'm assuming the "Scenario 601" is a nod to the fact that this is the first episode of Season 6?

In case anyone's interested, Sharpe's "To-Do" list includes six items that prove she knows the Legends better than they know themselves:

Step 1: Distribute binders.
Step 2: Have John Constantine use magic.
Step 3: Let any romances run their course.
Step 4: What is Astra's deal?
Step 5: Even bad leads might prove fruitful.
Step 6: Let Rory drink until he cooperates.

• Writing time travel stories is hard!

When the Legends discover Canary's been abducted by aliens, a distraught Heat Wave says, "Listen, you fools, Sara's missing because you guys were partying last night. We have to find her. We're running out of time!"

Um... he knows he's currently standing inside a TIME MACHINE, right? The Legends have nothing BUT time! They could easily go back to the previous night and prevent Canary from being abducted in the first place! Of course if they did that the episode (and likely the entire season!) would be over in five minutes, so no one thinks of that simple yet elegant solution.

• At one point Sharpe tries to contact the DEO (Department of Extranormal Operations). It's the place where Supergirl works, and Sharpe hopes their expertise in handling alien menaces can help her find Canary.

Unfortunately, Gideon reports that the DEO was destroyed in 2020 by Rama Khan. I've not been watching Supergirl, so I have no idea who Rama Khan is or why he hates the DEO so much, but I'll take her word for it.

By the way, presumably Sharpe asks Gideon to call the DEO. When no one answers the phone, Gideon helpfully pulls up a newspaper headline stating the place has been trashed. Um... shouldn't this super intelligent AI have known that BEFORE she tried to make the call?

• I liked the tabloid that Behrad somehow discovered. It's clearly a riff on the Week World News, which infamously featured Bat Boy in nearly every issue. They ceased physical publication in 2007, but still publish an online version.

• Canary wakes up in a tiny holding cell on an alien spaceship. A couple things here:

First of all, note that there's a brightly lit control panel on the left side of the enclosure, just below her hand. When the cell begins filling with cryogenic gas, she accidentally touches the panel and opens the door, freeing herself.

Well that's certainly an interesting concept— a holding cell with a keypad on the INSIDE! Kind of defeats the purpose, doesn't it?

Secondly, the cells seem to work very inconsistently. As filmed, it's implied that Canary's been inside her cell for hours— long enough for the Legends to party all night, wake up the next morning in a drunken stupor and realize she's missing. 

The minute she wakes up in her holding cell, it suddenly begins filling with gas that threatens to freeze her solid.

Later in the episode, Kayla tosses Canary back into her cell, and this time the gas is released instantly! Why the difference?

• Canary sees a figure struggling inside one of the pods and opens the door, which releases the ancient Grecian gladiator Spartacus. Jaysis, look at him! He's really let himself go lately. Why, he's practically skin & bones!

Spartacus is played here by actor Shawn Roberts, who also starred as Wesker (aka Not Agent Smith) in the Resident Evil franchise.

So how the hell is Spartacus— who lived from 111 to 71 BC— on a spaceship alongside Canary in the year 2021? Apparently that's none of our business, as the episode never offers any kind of explanation. 

I'm assuming this ship can travel through time like the Waverider, and the aliens are abducting subjects from various eras. Now that I think about it, that's exactly what's happening, since the ship snatches up Canary in the year 1977, rather than the present day.

• Wondering how can Canary understand a gladiator from ancient Greece— and vice versa? Eh, the episode has that covered. 

Wayyy back in the Season 1 episode White Knights, it was explained that the Legends use an ingestible translator that attaches to the user's larynx and enables them to speak and understand any language. Much like the Babel Fish in The Hitchhiker's Guide To The Galaxy

There's just one problem with this concept— why didn't the translator work on Gary & Kayla? When Canary confronts them, their language is incomprehensible to her. I guess we could be generous here and say it only works on terrestrial languages?

• The FX work in this episode was all surprisingly top notch! In particular I liked the Dominator-esque alien that Spartacus turns loose, as it looked like a movie-quality CGI creation.

The design of the alien ship was pretty cool too. It reminded me a bit of Moya from Farscape— not so much in shape, but in its organic texture. 

And I was VERY impressed with the main alien makeups! They were a perfect mix of practical prosthetics and CGI enhancements, and lightyears above the "bumpy foreheaded" aliens that populated the 1990s Star Trek series. Well done, guys!

I just hope the producers didn't blow the FX budget on this premiere episode, leaving us with nothing for the rest of the season.

• Enjoy this shot, as it's the only time in the entire episode that we get to see anyone come remotely close to using any superpowers on this superhero show. Of course as I mentioned in the intro, there's really only one member of the team who has actual superpowers anyway, so... I guess I shouldn't be surprised by this.

• Last season I was surprised by how quickly Behrad fit in with the team. By the end of his first episode it felt like he'd been a Legend since the beginning, and he became one of my new favorite character.

Not so much in this episode though. This week it's like the creators forgot how to write him, as they reeeeeeeally leaned hard into the whole pot smoking stoner thing. It's like his entire character's been boiled down to that single trait.

Hopefully they just overemphasized that this week in order to refresh the audience's memory of him, and will tone it WAY down in subsequent episodes.

• At one point Astra thinks she has a lead on how to find Canary:

Astra: "So I heard about this guy who was once in Hell. Raved about aliens. His name was Aleister Crowley."
Constantine: "Aleister bloody Crowley. Come off it. Crowley's a kook."
Zari 2.0: "That is the conventional wisdom. But he had this tome of secrets called The Book Of The Law."
Astra: "In it, Crowley detailed these alien encounters and spells that these aliens taught him. But he disappeared from Hell. Maybe he used these alien spells to escape."
Constantine: "Yeah. Crowley didn't escape. All right? I summoned him, and then I trapped him on Earth."

Wow, there's a lot to unpack in this brief exchange!

First of all, Aleister Crowley was a real person. Edward Alexander Crowley was born in 1875 in England, and died in 1947. Primarily a writer, he was also an occultist, magician, poet, painter and mountaineer (?).

Constantine claims he yanked Crowley out of Hell and trapped him on Earth. That means he's an Encore, and is currently alive and well somewhere, despite the fact that he died almost seventy five years ago. I'm betting this means he'll show up at some point during the season.

Crowley's probably most famous for founding Thelema, his own personal religion— with him as its major prophet, of course. He also believed wholeheartedly in "magick," and treated it as an actual science rather than a supernatural power.

Crowley was also a huge pervert, as he claimed sex acts could be used to focus a magician's power. He'd often consume Cakes Of Light, a biscuit of his own recipe that contained menstrual blood and semen, believing they'd somehow augment his powers. Yikes!

As gross as that is, there's actually a nod to it in this episode! In the third act, Constantine uses one of Crowley's spells to try and locate Gary. In order for it to work, Spooner has to drink a smoothie containing something of Gary's, so they use a piece of his cocoon!

Additionally, Crowley was a notorious bigot, especially towards blacks & Jews. I bet the writers gloss over that particular little tidbit if & when he pops up on the show!

Lastly, Crowley's The Book Of The Law is a real thing as well. It's the sacred text of his Thelema religion, and outlines "the emancipation of mankind from all limitations," whatever the hell that means. Crowley claimed it was dictated to him by an entity named Aiwass, who he considered his personal guardian angel.

Unfortunately there doesn't seem to be anything about aliens in the book.

Legends Of Tomorrow has never concerned itself much with continuity, consistency or logic. Never has that been more true than in this episode, which features one of the most unexpected and shocking reveals of the entire series. And by "shocking" I mean "really, really stupid." Are you ready? It seems that Gary Green, everyone's favorite ex-Time Bureau agent and all around affable dweeb, is now and always has been an alien. Yeah, I know.

Apparently Gary was sent to Earth on a mission several years ago, and has been posing as a human the entire time, using a pair of holographic (I guess?) glasses to disguise himself.

Jaysis. I don't even know where to begin pointing out how idiotic this is, along with all the ways it doesn't work. Heck, even a casual viewer could probably come up with a couple reasons why it's impossible.

Gary's alien-ness could have been a cool & clever reveal— If had actually been set up in previous seasons. Instead it comes completely out of nowhere with absolutely zero buildup, as the writers clearly pulled the idea firmly out of their collective asses. I have no doubt they did this because they thought it'd be funny, and didn't stop to consider whether it made any sense or how it affected the character. "Who cares as long as it's funny?!"

Here's just a few of the many examples of why this revelation doesn't work:

Gary uses a special pair of hi-tech glasses that disguise him as a human when worn. Presumably they use some sort of holographic imagery to mask his true form (they even transform Zari 2.0 into a reasonable facsimile of him when she puts them on!).

Unfortunately there are numerous instances throughout the series in which Gary removes his glasses and nothing happens. He did it back in Season 4's Nip/Stuck, when he yanked them off to emphasize a point.

He took them off again in Terms Of Service, while he was getting a massage.

There are probably other examples as well, but I ain't got all day to comb through every one of his appearances. Note that in both these examples, Gary remained in human form even after removing his glasses. So why do they suddenly alter his appearance in THIS episode?

And then there's the matter of Season 4's The Virgin Gary, in which our favorite Time Bureau agent famously got his nipple bitten off by a unicorn. 

A few episodes later in Egg MacGuffin, the demon Neron tempted Gary into joining him by restoring his beloved missing nipple, in a scene which was burned into all our memories as it crawled across the floor to him.

If Gary's human form is some sort of holographic image created by his glasses, then what the hell were we watching here? Did the unicorn actually bite off one of his alien tentacles or something, and it just looked like a nipple to everyone because the glasses masked its true form? If that's the case, why would this lump of alien flesh continue looking like a human nipple when it's out of range of the glasses?

Once Neron made Gary "whole" again, we got this scene in Nip/Stuck. So I guess we're to believe this demonic Hellspawn eye that became part of his body just happened to perfectly line up with his holographic nipple?

The only way these two incidents can make any possible sense is if the glasses are somehow altering Gary's bodily structure and physically morphing him into human form. There's no evidence that's the case though.

And then there's the matter of Gary's relationship with Constantine. In Season 5, Constantine made Gary his apprentice and even taught him a few basic spells. It was also heavily implied that the two of them occasionally had sex. 

If Gary really was an alien, one would think Constantine might have noticed a thing like that and said something like, "Hold on there, Squire! Why's it feel like you've got... tentacles?"

Lastly, and most importantly, there's been at least one instance in which Gary's spoke of his awkward teen years. Back in Terms Of Service, he mentioned being bullied in high school  due to his awful perm, mouth full of braces and face full of acne.

That right there's the biggest proof that this whole alien business is bullsh*t. He clearly wasn't lying when he said that, and there'd be no reason for him to be sent to Earth as a teen. And if somehow he really was an alien in high school, why would the goddamn glasses make him look like a pizza-faced dweeb? Wouldn't they make him look like a normal teen? Feh.

Now that I've expended way too much time and energy proving why Gary being an alien is utter nonsense and flat-out impossible, I'm gonna point out a couple ways it could theoretically work.

First of all, his alien-ness could be a result of the Crisis. The writers of the various series have already used it as their go-to excuse to retcon tons of other troublesome plotholes, so why not this? They could take every one of my reasons why Gary can't be an alien and simply say, "Crisis changed it!"

The second way all this could work— at one point Constantine, Zari 2.0 and Astra enter Gary's room and find a slimy, recently opened cocoon hanging from the ceiling.

This might mean that Gary was born an alien, but once he came to Earth he spun a cocoon around himself, changed and then emerged from it as an actual human. He then did the reverse in this episode, cocooning himself and transforming back into an alien. The holographic glasses would then be simply an accessory to temporarily make him appear human when needed.

Do I believe that either of these explanations are what the writers had in mind? No. No I do not. As I said above, I firmly believed they stuck this cockamamie idea into the episode to be cute, and damn the consequences.

• At one point we see Gary skulking around the ship in his true form. Was as that really Adam Tsekhman underneath all that alien makeup? Because that alien moves and acts exactly like him, right down to its posture and body language. I could tell it was really Gary even before he morphed!

• When Canary demands that Gary tell her what's going on, he says his mission was to come to Earth and abduct "The Quintessential Human"— aka her. So what's so special about Canary? 

Is it because she was one of the seven Paragons during the Crisis? Doubtful, because then why not grab one or more of the other six as well? Plus no one but the Paragons knows they exist or even remembers the Crisis. I'm hoping we'll find out why she's so special and was chosen in a future episode.

• So Gary was with the Time Bureau for several years, and has been an unofficial Legend for several more. This week we find out he's allegedly an alien who was sent to Earth to capture "The Quintessential Human." So why is he JUST NOW doing that? Is that why Kayla's so pissed at him?

And how did Gary even get on this ship? He was onboard the Waverider in the Season 5 finale, now suddenly he's a member of an alien crew. Did Kayla swoop down and abduct him right before she snatched up Canary?

I guess it's possible. At one point Gideon tells Sharpe, "I believe we are dealing with a temporal anomaly. According to the original timeline, there was no alien spacecraft over London in 1977." Which would imply that Kayla got tired of waiting on Gary and took matters into her own hands.

• Heat Wave & Behrad sneak into Spooner's compound in order to ask for her help. Fearing they're a couple of aliens, she shoots 'em both with tranq darts.

Man, those were some FAST working darts! Jesus, they both dropped to the floor less than a second after being shot. Pretty sure there's no drug out there that works THAT quickly. And even if there was, their bloodstreams couldn't possibly move it through their bodies that fast.

• After Spooner captures Heat Wave & Behrad, she records a log entry & says, "They were armed with some fancy weapons, not sure why." Wait, weapons? Plural? Um... Behrad clearly didn't have any kind of weapon on him. Unless she means his Air Totem? But it just looks like a bracelet.

• Speaking of fancy weapons, when Spooner hears the Waverider approaching, she runs outside and fires on it with a hi-tech blaster. Where the hell'd she get a futuristic weapon like that? Did she build it herself?

• Eventually Spooner agrees to help the Legends locate Canary. As she preps to take part in Constantine's spell, she tosses her cowboy hat to Sharpe. We then see it's lined with tinfoil— presumably to protect her from alien mind-control waves. OK, I gotta admit that made me laugh.
 
• Constantine casts a spell to locate Canary and allow Sharpe to briefly communicate with her. Unfortunately the spell's a costly one, as it begins draining his life force.

I can't tell if Constantine's makeup is practical or CGI here. If it is real, then kudos to the team who did it, as he truly looks ghastly here. 

• Late in the third act, Canary fights Kayla— captain of the alien ship and Gary's alleged fiancĂ©. After battling one another for a while, Canary hits a button on a panel that opens the airlock. Kayla's almost blown into space, but grabs onto the sides of the airlock with her tentacles. Canary then hits another button, which releases several holding cells that knock Kayla out of the ship.

So... how'd Canary figure out all these alien controls with such precision? It's not like she just started mashing down various buttons and got lucky, she deliberately pushed the exact ones she needed. Does her ingestible translator work on written languages as well?

• If you watch the full end credits, you'll see a little Beebo peeking out from behind the Warner Bros. logo! Fun!

Man, I still can't understand why Warner Bros. hasn't marketed the hell out of Beebo. I know fans would go nuts for a plush one, and order them by the truckload. What a missed opportunity.

This Week's Best Lines:
(Steel whines about his love life to David Bowie.)
Steel: "See, my girlfriend's from another time."
David Bowie: "Oh, like the future."
Steel: "No. Well technically, yes, but she's from the future with a different timeline entirely. Now she lives in a Totem. And I'm forced to be at peace with it."
David Bowie: "What's her name?"
Steel: "Zari. Her name is Zari. And I'm afraid I'm never gonna see her again."
(Zari 2.0 walks in.)
Steel: "Hi, Zari."

(Sharpe organizes a search for Canary.)
Constantine: "Well, we just thought that..."
Steel: "You know, with Sara being lost, you may wanna sit this one out. "
Sharpe: "Uh, she is not lost. She is pre-found."

(Sharpe wants to contact the DEO to help locate Canary.)
Sharpe: "Uh, we are gonna call the experts, the DEO."
Steel: "Good idea...ish."
Sharpe: "What?"
Steel: "Is it gonna get weird between you and Alex Danvers 'cause she and Sara had a fling?" Sharpe: "It's... swing a dead cat. Sara never liked to be alone."

Canary: "Who are you?"
Spartacus: "I'm Spartacus, the Undefeatable."
Canary: "Oh. Yeah, that "undefeatable" part didn't quite stick, but..."

Constantine: "Look... Aliens took her, all right? To space. This is really not my area of expertise. Now if it was a ghost, or a demon, or even a handle of whiskey, I could help you out with that, but I'm sorry. All right? I'm an astrologer. And you need an astronomer."
(He gets up and leaves.)
Astra: "What an ass."
Zari 2.0: (watching him go) "Yeah, he does have that going for him."

Spartacus: "I was confined to one of these glass prisons. You were as well. Which means there are also others inside."
Canary: "You just figured that out now?"
Spartacus: (confidently) "I did."

(Spartacus opens a cell, unleashing a large, angry alien.)
Spartacus: "What, pray tell, are you? A Saxon?"

(The alien attacks Canary, who manages to beat it.)
Spartacus: "The thrill of the battle. Reminds me of being back in the Colosseum."
Canary: "Yeah, you just stand there in the Colosseum too?"
Spartacus: "I was letting it tire itself out. If it had slain you, I would've been well-rested and easily avenged your death."
(Canary easily sweeps him off his feet and threatens him.)
Canary: "Being an avenger is stupid. The goal is to prevent death. I am a Preventer. You wanna join the Preventers, Sparty?"
Spartacus: "Yeah... yes?"
Canary: "Good choice."

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