Friday, May 12, 2023

News From The Darkest Timeline

As proof that we're all living in the Darkest Timeline, this week former president donald j. trump testified in the E. Jean Carroll trial. 

So what trouble is the gibbering shit gibbon in this time? Welp, it was a civil case in which Carroll accused him of raping her in a department store, denying her allegations and publicly defaming her. Our former president, ladies and gentlemen!

Incredibly, trump couldn't even be arsed to appear in person at his own trial, instead submitting a pre-taped video testimony. What the hell?

During the deposition, the prosecution asked trump point blank if he raped Ms. Carroll. Incredibly, his response was, "No, because she's not even my type."

Jesus Jetskiing Christ On A Cracker!

For the record, when any sane and rational human is asked a question like that, the proper response is, "Of course not!" or "No, I'm not a rapist." Saying, "Eh, she ain't my type" implies that rape would have been on the table if only he was a little more attracted to her.

Is he really that clueless and unaware? What am I saying, of course he is.

Later in the deposition, the prosecution showed trump a photo featuring himself, E. Jean Carroll, John Johnson (?) and trump's first wife Ivana. When asked to name the people in the photo, trump misidentifed Carroll as his second wife Marla Maples.

So let's see if I have this straight: trump couldn't have raped E. Jean Carroll because she just didn't float his boat, but he mistook her for his second wife— someone he presumably was attracted to. Got it.

When the prosecution pointed this out, trump made the excuse that the photo was too blurry to recognize any of the faces in it. Laws, yes. Just look at the poor quality of that picture above. Are those even people in it, or bowling pins? I honestly can't tell.

Ah, but the story doesn't end here! Once the prosecution rested its case, the jury quickly found trump liable in the case, and ordered him to pay E. Jean Carroll a whopping $5 MILLION DOLLARS! HA-ha!

It should be noted that this is actually the second time Carroll has sued trump for defamation. The first time was after he belittled her for accusing him of rape back in 2019. That case is still tied up in complicated litigation.

And now it seems Carroll may end up suing him a THIRD time! 

One day after the verdict, trump went on CNN, where he spoke about Carroll and the case: “This is a fake story. Made-up story. I have no idea who the hell she is. She’s a whack job. What kind of a woman meets somebody and brings them up, and within minutes you’re playing hanky-panky in a dressing room."

I would laugh my ass off if she sues a third time and wins another settlement! If he keeps opening his big trap, she may eventually end up a billionaire!

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