It Never Ends!

This is my face when Black Friday's over and I can finally stop hearing about it, but then I check my email and there are fifteen notifications for Cyber Monday.

And now next week we're supposedly having Green Monday— another made-up excuse for in-store and online sales! Make it stop!

Enough Already!

Jesus Jetskiing Christ! If I hear the words "black" and "friday" one more time this week, I'm taking my own life. It's exhausting.

Why do people need a new $250 55" TV every single year? I've had mine for five years now. And the one before that for I had for over TWENTY!

It's A Black Friday Miracle!

As I was out shopping on Black Friday, I came upon this scene in front of a store. Apparently I was just a few seconds too late to witness a true miracle!

R.I.P. Black Friday?

I don't know how it was in other parts of the country, but here in good ol' Evansville, the dreaded and infamous Black Friday turned out to be just another day.

Normally I avoid Black Friday like the Black Plague, but I needed to venture out today and pick up a few things. I was fully expecting to encounter interminable traffic, picked-over shelves, fights in the aisles and long lines at the register.

Instead I saw none of that. I went to five or six different stores, and none of them were packed. No one was out of anything, and shoppers were calm and relatively polite. In every case, I got right in and back out with little or no fuss. The only store I saw that was really hoppin' was Shoe Carnival (which was good news for me, as I work in their corporate office!). 

I wonder if the general public finally wised up and discovered they can get most, if not all of the irresistible Black Friday deals online, and realized there's no need to kill one another in gladiatorial combat over a $200 TV? Are people finally over Black Friday? Let's hope so!

Wake Me When It's Over!

First we had that shrine to vulgar capitalism, Black Friday.

Next we move from the physical to the virtual world, with Cyber Monday.

Personally I'm very much looking forward to Plain Old Ordinary Tuesday.

Star Trek Into The Clearance Bin

I lost my mind today and braved the savage Black Friday crowds, battling my way into my local Best Buy store. As I dodged uppercuts and rained blows upon my fellow shoppers, I noticed this.

Yep, that's a DVD of the JJ Abrams-directed film Star Trek Into Darkness, selling for an unbelievably low one dollar and ninety nine cents.

Meh, it's still overpriced. ZING!!!

Black Friday Indeed

Dateline Ferguson: This blurry photo illustrates more of the shocking violence and unrest that rocked the volatile St. Louis suburb this past Friday, as hundreds of protesters clashed with pol... what's that? Really? Are you sure? I'm sorry, I'm now being told that this is not a photo of the Ferguson riots after all, but is in fact an image of Black Friday shoppers fighting over TVs in a Houston area Walmart.

Eager shoppers supposedly dived on top of the heavily discounted Samsung flatscreen TVs, clawing and punching one another until store security and armed police officers could break up the brawl.

Jesus wept.

I seriously do not understand why this continues to happen year after year after appalling year. What is it about Americans that causes them to be reduced to little more than contestants in the Hunger Games just to get a deal on a goddamned television set?

I swear when I see stories like this it's enough to make me start rooting for ebola.

Once again I am at a loss to fathom why would anyone brave the traffic, crowds and weather and stand in line in front of a store for hours to risk life and limb for a so-called bargain. Especially when you can sit in the comfort of your own home, a nice mug of hot chocolate at your side, and get the exact same deal online.

And don't give me that "Well, it's the thrill of the hunt" crap as an excuse. We're not talking about stalking an animal to provide for your family, we're talking about buying a damn TV. We're very near the end of civilization.

By the way, well done to all the pinheads in Texas who all dived on top of the pile of TVs. You can see in the photo that the boxes are all lying horizontally on the floor. Flatscreens are supposed to always be stored upright, so the screen doesn't bend or flex. So enjoy the defective, dead pixel display you worked so hard for.

And can we all as a nation agree to stop saying "flatscreen TV" and just say plain old TV from now on? When's the last time anyone saw anything but a flatscreen set?

Black Friday Death Pool Results

If you picked ZERO in this year's Black Friday Death Pool, congratulations! You win the pot! 

For all you players out there who predicted one or more people would be killed while fighting over cheap flat screen TV sets, better luck next year!

As for this year's Black Friday Serious Bodily Injury Pool, the count currently stands at EIGHT. If you picked eight in the pool, please come forward and claim your winnings.

Just a friendly reminder; don't forget to enter your death and injury guesses in next month's Day After Xmas Gift Return Debacle. Happy Shopping!

Black Friday Update!

Ah, the Holiday Season. It's the Season of Giving, when people open up their hearts, love their fellow man and celebrate the true spirit of Christmas. And then they pepper spray the sh*t out of anyone who gets in their way.

This past Friday at a Los Angeles Walmart (natch), a woman wanting an XBox 360 pepper sprayed the crowd to incapacitate her fellow shoppers so that she'd be guaranteed a console.

Twenty shoppers were reportedly injured, some from pepper spray, others from "crowd movement" as the panicked masses vacated the area.

The woman has since turned herself in. Police are still deciding if charges will be filed. While I can't say I approve of her methods, I do admire her tactical skills and resourcefulness. I would not have thought to use pepper spray to gain the upper hand while Xmas shopping.

It's the reason for the season! Jesus would be proud.

Black Friday

It's well known that the staff here at Bob Canada's BlogWorld is not particularly fond of Black Friday. I participated in a few Black Fridays back in the 1990s. It was a shameful display of rampant consumerism and an all-around unpleasant experience and I've vowed never to do it again.

What I can't understand is why anyone does it.

Why would anyone in their right mind do this:

When you can do this:

Why venture out in the cold, dark wee hours and risk death and dismemberment? When you order online you get to sleep in, you can shop in your underwear, the selection's better and a surly Postal worker brings it to your house for free. There's no comparison!

Friday, Bloody Friday

Well, another Black Friday has come and gone. Thankfully no employees were trampled and killed like last year. There were several incidents of violence and idiocy though.

At a California Walmart, impatient deal hunters stormed the doors and forced their way into the store at 2 a.m., three hours before it was due to open. Police eventually had to shut down the entire store until order could be maintained.

Then in my own proud home state of Indiana, angry shoppers began fighting and cutting in line at two different Toys R Us stores, reportedly over Zhu Zhu Pets, this year's must-have toy. Police had to dispatch at least three squad cars to one of the stores to quell the unrest. Three squad cars. To handle a group of adults fighting over a toy.

When I read stories like this about human behavior, I'm reminded of a quote by the great philosopher Frank Barone, of Everybody Loves Raymond:

"Not a day goes by that I don't wish there was a comet screaming towards Earth to bring me sweet relief."

Thank you Frank. You summed up my feelings towards Black Friday perfectly.