It Came From The Cineplex: The Conjuring 2

The Conjuring 2 was written by James Wan, Chad Hayes, Carey Hayes and David Leslie Johnson (it took four people to write this?). It was directed by James Wan.

Chad and Carey Hayes are twins and writing partners who seem to specialize in horror films. They previously wrote First Daughter (OK, so that one wasn't a horror film per se, although it was horrible), House of Wax, The Reaping, Whiteout and The Conjuring. Johnson wrote Orphan (an underrated film I liked quite a bit), Red Riding Hood and Wrath Of The Titans. He also wrote a couple of episodes of The Walking Dead (Chupacabra and Triggerfinger).

James Wan directed Saw, Dead Silence, Insidious, The Conjuring, Insidious: Chapter 2 and Furious 7. He's also currently directing the upcoming Aquaman movie for Warner Bros.

As you might expect from the title, it's a sequel to 2013's The Conjuring, a very successful little horror film that wracked up an astonishing $137 MILLION dollars! Holy crap! I'm surprised it's taken this long to pump out a sequel!

The film stars Patrick Wilson and Vera Farmiga, reprising their roles of real life paranormal investigators Ed and Lorraine Warren. It deals with another incident from the Warren's case files, this time the Enfield Poltergeist, which took place in England from 1977 to 1979.

The Conjuring 2 features a few genuinely creepy moments which elevate it above most so-called "scary" films. The Demonic Nun in particular was quite effective, and there's a feeling of darkness and dread that saturates the entire movie.

Like many movies of this ilk, this one claims it's based on a true story. I have absolutely no problem believing that. I'm positive it's true that this was based on a story.

The movie's already a hit, and Warner Bros. has announced that the Demonic Nun featured in the film will be getting her own spinoff, titled— what else— The Nun. I can see the tag line on the poster now: "Nun Will Survive." Sorry, sorry! This is getting to be a habit! Forgive me, I didn't mean to wimple out! 

Oddly enough the Demonic Nun character wasn't in the original script, as the monster was going to be a typical horned devil-like thing. It wasn't until March 2016 that director James Wan had a dream about a scary nun, and decided to add the character to the film during reshoots.

The Conjuring spinoff Annabelle is also getting a sequel, and The Conjuring 3 is no doubt right around the corner. There's seemingly no stopping this horrific franchise!

SPOILERS!

The Plot:
We begin with a flashback to 1974 as real life ghostbusters Ed and Lorraine Warren investigate the Amityville murders, their most famous and celebrated case. During a seance in the actual Amityville house, Lorraine has a vision of Ronald DeFeo Jr. murdering his family. She also sees the figure of a ghastly Demonic Nun, who impales her husband Ed on a jagged splinter of wood. 

Lorraine's so traumatized by both the brutality of the Amityville case and the vision of Ed's death that she wants to quit the paranormal investigating biz.

We then jump forward to 1977, where we meet the Hodgson family, who live in Enfield, England. Peggy Hodgson's a single mom trying to raise her four kids in a dilapidated council house (public housing, for us non-Brits). Her eleven year old daughter Janet begins experiencing odd happenings around the house. Little things like nightmares, sleepwalking and teleporting from her second floor bedroom to the living room below. You know, the usual.

This is no shy ghost, as it flings furniture around in front of Peggy, the neighbors and even the police! That's a refreshing change from most horror films, where the ghosts suffer from performance anxiety and won't appear in front of a crowd. When the ghost begins physically biting Janet, Peggy is reluctantly forced to seek help.

A TV reporter brings noted paranormal expert Maurice Grosse to the Hodgson house to investigate the case. They interview Janet, who begins speaking in a deep, evil voice. Apparently she's being possessed by the spirit of Bill Wilkins, the previous owner of the house, who died in a ratty chair in the living room years before. Bill doesn't seem to realize he's dead, and doesn't take kindly to the Hodgson's trespassing on his property. Wow, even the ghosts of old men want you off their lawns! Most normal humans would hightail it out of there after receiving an eviction notice from an angry ghost, but not this family! There's still over an hour of runtime left at this point, so they decide to stay.

The case eventually reaches the Catholic church, which orders the Warrens to fly to England to investigate. Lorraine doesn't want to go, due to her visions of Ed's death. Ed assures her there's nothing to worry about, and promises they'll go only as consultants, and won't get involved. Lorraine's still leery about going, and later that day she has another vision of the Demonic Nun. In her trancelike state Lorraine slashes at the bible she's been reading. She realizes the Hodgson's are in mortal danger, and reluctantly agrees to go.

The Warrens arrive in England and meet the Hodgson family. They speak with Maurice Grosse, who's convinced the case is real. His colleague, noted paranormal debunker Anita Gregory, believes Janet is faking her possession.

Ed interviews Janet, who becomes possessed by Wilkins almost on cue. Once again he claims the Enfield house belongs to him, and wants the Hodgsons gone. The Warrens witness several more events, including spectral biting and levitation. When Bill Wilkins completely trashes the Hodgson's kitchen, they're finally convinced.

The Warrens are ready to contact the church and give the Enfield Haunting two thumbs up, when Anita Gregory shows them a videotape she made. The tape shows Janet deliberately wrecking the kitchen, clearly not under any demonic influence (although how a small girl managed to so thoroughly demolish the room isn't mentioned). The disappointed Warrens leave the Hodgson's house and head back to America.

While waiting for their train, the Warrens feel something's not right. They review the taped interviews and realize that the ghost of Bill Wilkins is only a pawn, being manipulated by the vastly more powerful Demonic Nun— the one who's been haunting Lorraine's visions. They leave the train and head back.

At the Hodgson's, Janet reveals to her older sister that she did indeed trash the kitchen, but only because the demon threatened to kill her family if she didn't figure out a way to get rid of the Warrens. Just then Janet becomes repossessed (heh), and locks everyone out of the house. The Warrens return, and Ed breaks into the basement. As he makes his way upstairs, the Demonic Nun tries its best to kill him, even temporarily blinding him by bursting a steam pipe.

Lightning strikes a tree in front of the house, leaving a deadly sharp, jagged stump. Lorraine realizes it's the same stump that impaled Ed in her vision. She realizes she could banish the Demon back to Hell if only she knew its name. She remembers writing the Demon's name in her bible during one of her visions. She gets it out and sees the name "Valak" slashed across several pages. Lorraine enters the house in a desperate attempt to save Ed.

The half-blind Ed finds the possessed Janet in her bedroom, standing in an open window and ready to leap onto the jagged tree stump below. As she jumps, Ed grabs her with one hand while holding onto the bedroom curtain with the other. The curtain begins ripping, threatening to send them both hurtling down onto the tree stump.

Lorraine enters the room and the Demonic Nun, aka Valak, psychically pins her against the wall. She calls the demon by name, and manages to condemn it back to Hell. As it's sucked into the void, its hold on Lorraine is loosened. She grabs Ed, who pulls the now unpossessed Janet back inside.

We then see the Warrens back home in America, where Ed places a zoetrope from the Enfield house in his museum of haunted artifacts.

Thoughts:

• This is some extreme nitpicking, but whatever. The name of the movie is The Conjuring 2, but what exactly is being conjured here? The ghost of Bill Wilkins? The Demonic Nun? Both seemed to appear on their own without anyone "conjuring" them up.

The original film shared this same problem. 

• If you're a regular reader of my blog (as millions are), you know of my hatred of watered-down PG-13 "horror films." You know, movies that are sanitized for audience protection, so teens can see them and pump up the box office take.

I naturally assumed The Conjuring 2 was another one of these anemic films. Imagine my surprise when I found out it's actually rated R. Why, I have absolutely no idea. There's no nudity, little or no cursing, and absolutely no blood or gore. There's not even much in the way of violence. 

I'm wondering if has something to do with the demonic possession angle? Do movies that feature possessed children (like The Exorcist) automatically get an R rating?

• Like the previous film, this one proudly trumpets the fact that it's based on a true story that was documented by real-life ghostbusters Ed and Lorraine Warren.

The film begins with a flashback to the Warren's investigation of the Amityville murders, which was their most famous case and also supposedly a true story. However, the so-called "Amityville Horror" has been thoroughly debunked over the years, as several members of the Lutz family have freely admitted they made up the whole thing for monetary gain.

If the Warren's signature case is a bunch of hooey, what does that say about the rest of them?

Amazingly the movie actually touches on this topic, as the Warrens appear on a talk show and a fellow guest accuses them of being frauds. Ed defends himself by saying that while the Lutz family made up the general story, there were many other elements of the Amityville case that were authentic.

It's a valiant effort on the part of the writers to hand-wave the problem away, but it fails miserably.

The filmmakers desperately want us to believe that the Enfield Poltergeist case really happened as well, but the cold hard truth is that it didn't. Not as shown, that is. It's now believed that the entire incident was a hoax, perpetrated by Janet Hodgson and her older sister, who was able to speak in a deep, "demonic" voice. In fact Janet has even admitted to faking many of the supernatural incidents that occurred in the house.

Additionally the Warrens were barely involved with the case in real life, although several other paranormal experts were, and swore the incidents were authentic.

If you're still on the fence about the veracity of the case, take a look at this. It's a series of still photos allegedly showing young Janet Hodgson "levitating" while being possessed. Ahem. Apparently my sister and I levitated in our bedrooms quite a bit as kids, and didn't even realize it.

It's perfectly fine to be a fan of these films and stories. Just remember though that they're stories, and have little or nothing to do with reality.

• Filming on The Conjuring 2 began on September 21, 2015 in LA. Due to the inexplicable series of events that plagued the production of the first film, a priest was brought in to bless the movie. Ouch! I just sprained my eyes rolling them so hard!

• Whenever a film is set in the past, it's a given there are going to be anachronisms. I didn't spot many in The Conjuring 2. The fact that the majority of the film's set in England may have something to do with that. After all, few Americans know what life in England was like in 1977. The only anachronism I spotted were the lights on the Hodgson's Xmas tree. They appeared to be small LED bulbs, which weren't widely used in Xmas decorations until the 1990s. 

• At the beginning of the film, Janet and a friend are caught smoking at school by a teacher. There's something really odd about the cigarette that Janet's holding. The end is conical, and has a glowing red tip even when no one's puffing away on it. I'm not a smoker, but I'm pretty sure cigs don't work that way. 

I'm assuming the filmmakers didn't want to give a real cigarette to a kid, so they whipped up a fake looking prop.

• It's nice to know that Transatlantic travel is apparently a thing in the afterlife! Lorraine is first haunted by the Demonic Nun in America, and later it pops up to pester the Hodgsons in England. Now that's a well traveled demon!

• The filmmakers did a terrific job of recreating the Enfield house, right down to the David Soul (remember him?) posters on the walls of Janet's bedroom. 

• The Big Bad in the movie is a demon named Valak, who for some reason takes the form of a terrifying, undead Demonic Nun. I think maybe it does this to unsettle Lorraine, who was raised a Catholic?

Valak's fairly scary as movie monsters go, but she (it?) would have been even more frightening if she didn't resemble Marilyn Manson in a habit. Or worse, Brain Guy from Mystery Science Theater 3000!

• Looks like someone really likes The Shining.

• At one point Lorraine finds Ed in the living room, putting the finishing touches on a painting. He says he was having trouble sleeping, and so got up early to paint the image he kept seeing in his head. Lorraine's unnerved to see him painting the terrifying Demonic Nun from her visions.

Who knew Ed was such an accomplished portrait artist? Even stranger, he's as calm and soothing as Bob Ross during this scene, as if painting a ghoulish religious figure is the most normal thing in the world.

• The demon's name, "Valak," appears several times inside the Warren's home. We first see it as Ed works on his painting. The letters "V-A-L-A and K" hang from the window behind him. Later we see the Warren's daughter Judy making bracelets out of lettered beads in the living room. Three of her bracelets spell out "Valak." The last time we see it is in the Warren's library. There are five wooden letters placed randomly on the bookshelves. The letters are— you guessed it— "V-A-L-A and K" again.

It's not really clear why these instances of the demon's name kept popping up in the Warren's house, especially since they hadn't even agreed to take on the Enfield case yet. And why would Lorraine have a decorative "V" and "K" on her shelf, when those letters don't appear in any of her family's names? Maybe Lorraine (and her daughter too?) sensed the name in her visions, and began subconsciously arranging letters in her home? 

• One last thing about our friend Valak— he's apparently real. Well, real in the sense that he's part of demonic mythology, that is. Several ancient texts, including the Dictionnaire Infernal, Pseudomonarchia Deamonum and the Book Of Goetia all mention a demon named Valak (sorry, no mention of Ash's Necronomicon Ex-Mortis).

Valak was (is?) supposedly a big deal, as he's described as the President Of Hell. Good gig! He also commanded thirty legions of demons, and was believed to be very powerful. 

There's just one catch— he didn't look like a scary nun. Instead he usually took the form of a child with angel wings, who rode a two headed dragon.

• When Maurice Grosse first records Janet/Bill, he answers a few questions and then grunts some seemingly random words, such as "I'M," "IT," "LET," and "LEAVE!" 

A few days later Ed "interviews" Bill and asks why he doesn't just leave. Bill moans and again spews out some more incongruent words— "trapped," "won't" and "me."

Later on Ed realizes Bill is sending them a secret message. He takes the two separate taped interviews and plays them at the same time. The random words then line up to say, "I'M trapped! IT won't LET me LEAVE!" 

Gosh, Bill, that was much, much easier than simply saying the whole sentence to begin with. Lucky for Ol' Dead Bill that Ed was smart enough to figure out his secret code. And kudos to the ghost of a seventy two year old man for being technologically savvy enough to split his plea for help across two separate tape recorders!

Bill also recites some sort of riddle, which goes something like "It's something you didn't choose, but you own it for life." Lorraine correctly figures out the answer is "your name." She then realizes they'll have power over the demon if they can figure out it's name. She then remembers she wrote (well, slashed) the demon's name in her bible, and discovers it's "Valak."

Again, why did Bill have to be so cryptic here? Why couldn't he have just told Lorraine the demon's name? I suppose we could say it may have been because Valak was hanging around listening, and wouldn't have let Bill simply tell them what they needed to know.

Ed and Lorraine then realize Bill is only a pawn, being manipulated by the even stronger and more malevolent Demonic Nun. So I guess bullying persists even into the afterlife. How depressing.

• The Enfield Haunting takes place during the Christmas holiday, and disrupts the Hodgson's celebration. Ed tries to cheer up the kids by singing Can't Help Falling In Love while doing his best Elvis impression. Lorraine looks on, realizing how lucky she is to be married to Ed.

It's a bold move to put such a scene in a horror film, but you know what? It works! It could have been the most cringe-worthy scene ever in the hands of lesser actors, but Patrick Wilson and Vera Farmiga pull it off. Plus Wilson can actually sing (I assume that was him singing, that is)!

• The film ratchets up the tension by having Lorraine experience a vision of Ed dying, so the audience will spend the rest of the runtime worrying about him. A few things here:

First of all, there's no way in hell Ed was ever going to die in this film. Not when there are still additional sequels to make!

Secondly, this film is allegedly based on real events, and we know Ed Warren didn't die in Enfield.

Lastly, at one point Ed actually is in danger, but ultimately Lorraine saves him. So her highly publicized visions are pretty much worthless then, if they don't necessarily come true or can be easily changed.

• Paranormal debunker Anita Gregory shows the Warrens a video of Janet purposely trashing the Hodgson family's kitchen, proving that the entire incident was just a hoax. The disappointed Warrens reluctantly decide to head back to America.

Um… what about the fact that a small eleven year old girl was able to pick up a heavy kitchen table by herself and hurl it through a window? What is she, bionic? Surely that was worth a writeup!

• The Hodgson's youngest son Billy has a zoetrope that displays an animated figure of the Crooked Man as it plays the nursery rhyme There Was A Crooked Man. Near the end of the film when Ed is trying to save Janet, the Crooked Man from the zoetrope somehow comes to life and tries to stop him.

I have no idea why the filmmakers decided to shoehorn this character into the story. We already had Bill Wilkins and the Demonic Nun— adding yet a third monster muddied the waters even more. No wonder the ghosts want the Hodgson's out of the house. It's getting right crowded in there! You could remove the Crooked Man completely from the film and it wouldn't affect the plot one bit.

Plus what the hell is the Crooked Man supposed to be? Is he a ghost or demon who took the form of the nursery rhyme? Or are we supposed to believe the animated character somehow came to life and sprang out of the zoetrope? Apparently not even the director knows, as his fleeting appearances are never addressed.

Also, the Crooked Man looks completely out of place in the movie. Bill Wilkins looks like a decrepit old man, and the Demonic Nun looks like... well, like a scary demonic nun. They fit in with the established world.

The Crooked Man looks like he wondered off the set of a Tim Burton film. He looks more like a cartoon than a "realistic" ghost, reminiscent of the sketchy monster in The Babadook (a film that everyone but me seems to love). Even worse, he has a jerky, stop motion animated look to his movements. I think that was intentional, to show he was a cartoon come to life, but the effect failed miserably.

• For such a terrifying and powerful entity, Valak was surprisingly easy to beat. In the film's climax, Valak uses the Force to pin Lorraine to the wall of Janet's bedroom, while it tries to shove Ed out the window. Lorraine shouts, "Valak the Destroyer! I banish you to Hell!" and POOF! Valak gets sucked back into the abyss from whence it came. Well that was certainly easy! And disappointing. Somehow I was expecting a more prolonged good vs. evil battle.

• When Ed places the haunted zoetrope in his trophy room, you can see the horrifying Annabelle doll in a case in the background. The doll appeared briefly in a similar scene at the end of The Conjuring.

Annabelle was sort of a prequel to The Conjuring, although the Warrens don't bother to show up at all in Annabelle in the film at all. It's connection to the franchise is tenuous at best.

The Warrens really did keep a haunted Annabelle doll in a locked glass case in their trophy room. The real life Annabelle was a Raggedy Ann doll though, not that horrific abomination seen in the film.

The Conjuring 2 pulls off the difficult feat of being better than the original, and features a few genuinely creepy moments, especially those involving the Demonic Nun. Ignore all the "based on actual incidents" hype and just enjoy the story. It's worth a look on home video, but I wouldn't run any red lights to hurry to the cineplex. I gave the original film a B-, which in retrospect was way too high. It deserved a C at best. So I'm retroactively lowering the grade of the original and giving The Conjuring 2 a B-.

It Came From The Cineplex: Furious 7

Furious 7 was written by Chris Morgan and directed by James Wan.

Morgan is no stranger to the franchise, as he wrote The Fast And The Furious: Tokyo Drift, Fast & Furious, Fast Five, and Fast & Furious 6, as well as Wanted and 47 Ronin. Well, at least his work's consistent. 

Wan is best known as a director of watered-down PG-13 horror films, helming Insidious, The Conjuring and Insidious 2. He also wrote the R-rated Saw. Insert your own "He's continuing his horror movie streak here" joke.

In the interest of full disclosure, I'm probably not the best qualified person to review this film, as I've only seen the first two. You know, back when the series was about street racers, not indestructible supermen who pull off heists in flying cars. Hey, maybe a better title for the film would have been Furious 7, Laws Of Physics 0. Eh? Get it? Eh?

I've never been a car guy or racing fan, so I never bothered to see the first film when it came out way back in 2001. By the time the sixth one was released I decided it was time to see what all the fuss was about, and started playing catch up. So far I've only made it through the first two. Note to readers— if you're watching a film series, don't go from two directly to seven like I did. You tend to miss out on important info and details that way.

This seventh (!) installment is closer to the Grand Theft Auto V video game than it is to the first film. Any semblance of reality is long gone at this point, as each successive entry becomes more and more cartoonish and outlandish. Based on the box office returns ($1.52 BILLION as of this review), this is obviously want the public wants to see. Not that there's anything wrong with that! I like watching action movies as much as the next person. I just think it's interesting to see how much the series has changed over the years.

This particular entry is like The Avengers of the Fast & Furious films. They pulled out all the stops, teaming up the stars of all the previous movies and bringing in as many minor characters for cameos as possible. The plan worked though, as the audience around me was practically vibrating with excitement, gasping in surprise and recognition as each character appeared onscreen.

The big news this time around is the death of actor Paul Walker in 2013, and how that affected the production. Walker had reportedly only completed about half his scenes, so the movie was shut down for several months so the producers could figure out what to do next. They eventually decided to complete the film using archival footage, body doubles and CGI of Walker in order to give his Brian O'Connor character a proper final sendoff.

Walker's death seems to have seeped in to the fabric of the film, as it's downright somber at times. There are at least two scenes set in cemeteries, and lots of talk about going on "one last ride."

Something I did not know until I researched the films for this review: the Fast & Furious timeline isn't linear. Fast & Furious: Tokyo Drift (the one that doesn't have Paul Walker or Vin Diesel in it) is the THIRD movie in the series, but it actually takes place right before this film (and yes, before anyone points it out, I know Vin Diesel made a five second cameo at the end of Toyko Drift, but that doesn't count).

The timeline goes:
1. The Fast And The Furious

2. 2 Fast, 2 Furious

3. Fast and Furious (which is actually the fourth movie)

4. Fast 5 (the fifth)

5. Fast & Furious 6 (the sixth)

6. The Fast And The Furious: Tokyo Drift (the third)

7. Furious 7 (the seventh, of course)

As I'm not a scholar of the series, I have no idea why they're ordered like this. Something really bad must have happened in Tokyo Drift to cause the entire series to go back into time like that.

SPOILERS, I GUESS.

The Plot:

From what I was able to piece together, in the previous film, Dominic Toretto (played by Vin Diesel) and his makeshift family defeated the villainous Owen Shaw (played by Luke Evans), leaving him comatose and on life support, Shaw's older brother Deckard (played by Jasan Statham) visits him in the hospital, and vows revenge against Dom and his gang.

Deckard breaks into the office of Hobbs (played by Dwayne Johnson), a typical DSS officer who stands 6' 5" and is 300 pounds of solid muscle. Deckard steals info on Dom's gang from Hobbs computer, which doesn't sit well with the hulking public servant. They engage in fisticuffs, and Hobbs is seriously injured when Deckard blows up the office and escapes.

Deckard then starts targeting Dom and his "family." He kills someone named Han, who I'd probably know if I'd seen more than 23% of the films, and blows up Dom's house. He realizes that Deckard is systematically targeting him and his family.

Dom is then approached by Mr. Nobody (played by Kurt Russell), some sort of shadowy government agent. He tells Dom he'll help him bring down Deckard if he'll help him bring down a known terrorist named Jakande, a side mission that will extend the film's runtime an hour or so. Jakande has kidnapped a hacker named Ramsey, who's invented the God's Eye, a sophisticated surveillance program that can track anyone on Earth. If Dom obtains God's Eye, Mr. Nobody will allow him to use it to locate and kill Deckard. Jesus, was that last sentence written in English?

Dom agrees and assembles his team, including Brian O'Connor, (Paul Walker), Letty (Michelle Rodriguez), Tej and Roman. Their brilliant plan is to get in their parachuted cars and drive out of a cargo plane and land on the convoy transporting Ramsey to Jakande's headquarters. And that's just what happens, in the film's biggest and most elaborate setpiece. They manage to rescue Ramsey, but she tells them she sent God's Eye to a friend in Abu Dhabi for safe keeping. Wah, wahhhhh!

Quicker than you can say "Cut to Abu Dhabi," the gang appears in Abu Dhabi in an effort to pad out the runtime even further. They manage to recover God's Eye, but not before Dom and Brian drive a car out of one skyscraper and into another, and another. Don't ask.

Dom gives God's Eye to Mr. Nobody, who hands it back to him and tells him to go after Deckard. Yep, you read right— a government agent just handed a pardoned felon the means to spy on everyone in the world.

Dom uses God's Eye to locate Deckard, who's now teamed up with Jakande, setting up the final act of the film. Dom and his gang declare war on Deckard, vowing to eliminate him once and for all so they can retire in peace. There's lots of furious action, furious driving and furious drifting, as the battle causes hundreds of millions of dollars in property damage in downtown L.A. Hobbs even gets up out of his sick bed long enough to take out Jankande and his helicopter with a massive chain gun.

Deckard is captured and imprisoned, and Dom is seemingly killed, but his amnesiac wife Letty brings him back to life with the power of love. The gang then retires to the beach, where they watch a CGI Brian frolicking with his family. 

Thoughts:

• I'm not going to bother going through every incongruity in the film's ridiculous plot. It's pretty much a live action cartoon, so what's the point? It'd be like nitpicking a Bugs Bunny short. That said, a few things did stand out to me...

• This film definitely could have used a short recap for the benefit of people like me who've not seen the entire series. I had no idea who many of the characters were or what their relationships were to the rest of the cast. Many of the dramatic entrances and callback jokes were completely lost on me.

Note to the filmmakers: Every one of these movies is someone's introduction to the series. You shouldn't automatically assume the entire audience is as well-versed in the mythology as you are. Telling us who were're watching is just good storytelling.

Take the previously mentioned The Avengers for example. Joss Whedon correctly realized that everyone in the world hadn't seen every Marvel movie, so he gave every member of the team a brief and effective introduction to get everyone up to speed.

• In the opening scene, Deckard Shaw visits his brother Owen in the hospital. I wonder how much money Luke Evans got to lie in bed and reprise his role for thirty seconds?

• Play the Furious 7 Drinking Game! Every time Dom growls the word "family," take a shot. You'll be dead of alcohol poisoning before the film ends.

• The majority of the movie's dialog consists of interjections like, "Here we go!" "Punch it!" and "Look out!" On the rare occasion when the screenwriters do manage to string more than three words together, the result is downright cringe-worthy. In fact at the end of the film when Dom has seemingly been killed, Brian pounds on his chest and actually says, "Don't you die, damn you!"

More classic dialogue:

Dom: I used to say I live my life a quarter mile at a time.

Letty: Why didn't you tell me we were married?
Dom: You can't tell someone they love you.

Dom: The thing about street fights... the street always wins.

Hobbs: You just earned yourself a dance with the devil, boy.

Letty: Did you bring the cavalry?
Hobbs: Woman, I am the cavalry.

Sean Boswell: If you get the guy who did this to Han, what are you gonna do?
Dom: Words haven't been invented.

• Dom travels to Tokyo to recover the body of Han, a friend (or is that family member?) and fellow racer. Han's full name is listed on his death certificate as Han Seoul-Oh. Get it? Han Solo? Wakka wakka!

I'm hoping the filmmakers realized that Seoul-Oh would be a Korean name, and not Japanese.

• Dom's wife Letty apparently lost her memory at some point in one of the previous films. In this one she leaves him, saying she needs to "find herself." Yes, she actually says "find herself."

She shows up an hour or so later with no explanation. So mission accomplished, I guess? She found herself somehow? Late in the film when Dom appears to be dead, she cradles his body and tells him her memory's back and she remembers everything. How this miracle was achieved is left to our imaginations. Maybe she was kicked in the head by a mule and it jogged her memory?

• Let's talk about fight scenes. This film is chock-full of them, especially for one that's ostensibly about racing cars. They're also all laughably staged, as almost every one of them features a match-up that would be ridiculously lopsided in real life.

First up we have Jason Statham vs. Dwayne Johnson. Somehow Statham wins. Haw! No matter how skilled a brawler Statham might be, the Rock is about twice his size and weight. Johnson could put him down for a nap through sheer bulk alone.

Next up is Michelle Rodriguez vs. Ronda Rousey. As in UFC Champ Ronda Rousey. To expect us to believe that the diminutive Rodriguez could even land one punch against her is preposterous at best. The Amazonian Rousey would grab her by the feet and spin her around a dozen times before letting go and watching her sail into the next county.

Lastly we have Paul Walker vs. Thai martial artist Tony Jaa. Walker would last about as long in a fight with Jaa as I would. And that ain't very long.

• Dom crashes his car into Deckard's, and the two engage in a knock-down drag-out street brawl. Just then Mr. Nobody and a team of soldiers appear, which allows Deckard to escape. Nobody then tells Dom that he wants him to obtain the God's Eye for him. In exchange for his help, he'll let Dom use it to locate Deckard so he can kill him.

But... but... Dom was fighting Deckard when Nobody intervened! He caused Deckard to escape so he could offer Dom the means to find him! Dom should be furious with him! Make that Furious 7 with him!

• Amazingly enough, in the "air drop" scene, the filmmakers actually dropped real cars out of a real airplane (although no drivers were inside). That an absolute miracle in these days of all-CGI special effects.

• In an effort to pad the second act, the gang goes to Abu Dhabi in search of the God's Eye program. While there, Letty is seen walking around with a lot of skin brazenly uncovered. Nope!

Native women there are required to wear burkas (the full-length black robes that cover everything, including the face) and there are even strict rules governing the clothing foreign tourists can wear. Female tourists don't have to wear burkas (unless they visit a holy place), but they do have to cover everything from their shoulders to just below the knee. Letty would have probably been tossed in fashion jail.

• Dom and Brian escape an angry prince's guards by driving a car out the window of a skyscraper and into an adjoining one (!). As their car crashes through the windows, they smash into an exhibit of Chinese Terracotta Warriors.

Even though the statues were undoubtedly fake, it still made me cringe to see such ancient treasures smashed to bits like that.

• This film needed way more Kurt Russell. He's definitely the best actor in the cast (which I will admit is damning him with faint praise), bringing a sorely needed professionalism and cocky charm to the proceedings.

• In the final act, Hobbs is laid up in the hospital with a fractured arm and collarbone. He watches the action unfold on TV and feels the need to join in. He stands up, flexes his mighty bicep and shatters the entire cast off his arm (!). He then swallows a dozen or so pain pills and swaggers off to shoot Jakande out of the sky.

I'm pretty sure none of that would be possible in real life. Oh, you could try it, but you'd probably spend the rest of the day curled in a ball, shaking like a kitten and vomiting in agony as the jagged ends of your bones ground together.

• Dom has yet another brawl with Deckard on the roof of a parking garage. Jakande hits the building with a missile, causing it to start crumbling. Dom sees the roof start to weaken around Deckard, and stomps a couple times with his mighty foot, causing it to crumble. Deckard seemingly falls to his death hundreds of feet below (don't worry, he gets better— gotta have a bad guy for Furious 8!).

What's interesting about this scene is that actor Vin Diesel is rumored to be starring in Marvel's upcoming Inhumans movie. What part he's playing, no one knows yet. One of the Inhumans is Gorgon, a satyr-like superhero with hooves that can cause the earth to split open when he stomps. Was this scene a bit of Inhumans foreshadowing, or just wishful thinking on my part?

• Late in the film the nigh-indestructible Dom has a parking garage dropped on his car, and appears to be dead. Brian begins pumping his chest, and for some reason tells Letty to begin mouth to mouth resuscitation. Why didn't Brian perform both procedures himself?

The only reason I can come up with as to why Brian delegated the mouth to mouth to Letty is because the director didn't think the no-doubt male-skewing audience would be able to handle the sight of a man planting his lips on those of another man.

In the end it doesn't matter, because Letty screeches at Brian to stop pumping on Dom's chest, and she tells him she's regained her memory, telling him about all the good times they've had, which miraculously resurrects him. Screw your old medical science, Brian! Letty uses the Power Of Love to bring Dom back!

• At the end of the film, Hobbs escorts the miraculously still-alive Deckard to some sort of high tech super prison. Deckard says, "You know this won't hold me." Hobbs then says, "After you dig through thirty eight feet of concrete and steel, my fist and a body bag will be waiting for you on the other side. Until then, you better start digging."

We then see the door to Deckard's little cell shut. Amazingly, it actually has a narrow window in the center of it! Does that seem like a good idea?

Furious 7 is a preposterous and completely ridiculous film that left its street racing roots far, far behind. It's not great cinema by any means, but it's moderately entertaining, which is apparently what the fans want. It's also a reasonably fitting farewell to the late Paul Walker. I give it a B-.