It Came From The Cineplex: Pirates Of The Caribbean: Dead Men Tell No Tales

Welp, so far Summer Movie Season 2017 is playing out as expected, just like the previous few years. Studios bet the farm on bland, ill-advised and massively-budgeted tent pole pictures that crash and burn on arrival at the box office (I'm lookin' at you, The Mummy and King Arthur: Legend Of The Sword), while a precious few rise from the rubble to become bona fide hits (like Guardians Of The Galaxy Vol. 2 and Wonder Woman). Unfortunately I don't see this trend going away anytime soon.

Pirates Of The Caribbean: Dead Men Tell No Tales was written by Jeff Nathanson (with "story by" credit for Terry Rossio) and directed by Joachim Ronning and Espen Sandberg.

Nathanson previously wrote Speed 2: Cruise Control (with Jan de Bont), Rush Hour 2, Catch Me If You Can, The Terminal (with Sacha Gervasi and Andrew Niccol), The Last Shot, Rush Hour 3, Indiana Jones And The Kingdom Of The Crystal Skull (with David Koepp and George Lucas) and Tower Heist (with Ted Griffen, Bill Collage and Adam Cooper).

Ronning and Sandberg are Norweigian filmmakers who previously directed Max Manus: Man Of War and Kon-Tiki, neither of which I've ever heard of.

If you've seen even one of the previous Pirates movies, then you know exactly what to expect here. There's an attractive young couple who "meet cute" and fall in love by the end, a soggy sea villain who's looking for a magical McGuffin and Jack Sparrow slurs and staggers his way through the film, having little or no effect on the plot.

And that in a nutshell is the problem with Dead Men Tell No Tales. It's not a terrible film, it's just bland and stale. Even worse, it contains absolutely nothing to distinguish it from any of the previous four.

Pirates Of The Caribbean was a surprise hit wayyyyy back in 2003, grossing a whopping $654 million against its $140 million budget. That kind of success made a trilogy inevitable, and the second and third films were even more lucrative, grossing an amazing $1billion dollars (or close to it) each. 

With the trilogy completed, further films were neither needed or wanted, but Disney pumped one out anyway in 2011, which once again went on to gross over a billion dollars worldwide. That made a fifth installment all but inevitable.

It's hard to believe now, but back in 2003 Johnny Depp's performance as Jack Sparrow was a breath of fresh air at the cineplex. The public had never seen anything quite like his eccentric, outrageous antihero, and the character was embraced by audiences worldwide. Incredibly, the role earned Depp an Oscar™ nomination for Best Actor! Unbelievable!

But that was then, in the Before Time. These days Depp's performance as Jack has lapsed into pure self-parody. There's something sad and pathetic about seeing him don the old costume again as he staggers around the set, slurring the same old, worn catchphrases. It's like watching your sad, drunken uncle do his cringeworthy Cap'n Jack impression for two and a half hours.

Oddly enough, Jack Sparrow's been shoved aside in Dead Men Tell No Tales, as the other characters far outshine him. He stumbles his way through the movie with little or no effect on the plot, and nothing even remotely resembling a character arc. Heck, Geoffrey Rush as Barbosa has a far more interesting plotline in the film than Jack does, and comes close to being the bona fide star.

Orlando Bloom and Keira Knightley had the good sense to flee the series after their three film contracts were up (although they're pulled back in here for brief cameos). They're replaced by a pair of equally vapid leads, who might as well be clones of the originals.

Javier Bardem stars as Captain Salazar, the latest in the franchise's succession of waterlogged villains. Bardem is the only one who seems to be having a good time here, and his Salazar is easily the most interesting character in the entire film.

The plot seems a bit more streamlined this time, which can only be a good thing, as previous films were bogged down by excessively convoluted scripts. Many are claiming this new film is a "soft reboot," meaning it advertises itself as a sequel while stealthily remaking the first movie. I don't see any evidence of that here. This is most definitely a sequel, as it picks up a dozen dangling plot threads from previous films and continues them.

The film ends on something of a final note, even though we all know that's not true. If the movie reaches the magic billion dollar number, you can be sure a Part 6 will be along soon. There's a post credit scene that sets up an additional film, and shortly after Dead Man's Chest Premiered, Disney officially announced a sixth installment.

So far this series has given us titles such as Pirates Of The Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest and now Pirates Of The Caribbean: Dead Men Tell No Tales. I've no doubt we can soon look forward to Pirates Of The Caribbean: Shiver Me Timbers, Pirates Of The Caribbean: Ahoy, Matey, Pirates Of The Caribbean: Blow The Man Down, Pirates Of The Caribbean: Thar She Blows!, Pirates Of The Caribbean: Walk The Plank, Pirates Of The Caribbean: Yo, Ho, Ho and the ultimate title, Pirates Of The Caribbean: Arrrrrrrrrrrr.

The film's a bona fide flop here in the States, grossing just $167 million against its $230 million (!) budget. Ouch! Once again though, the foreign box office has saved a poorly-received American movie. It's made a whopping $544 million overseas, for a worldwide total of $712 million. That's a respectable amount, but it's about $300 million LESS than the previous outing took in.

There are some reports that the budget was actually closer to $320 million, due to delays caused by Johnny Depp injuring his hand during shooting. Because of marketing and other hidden costs, these days movies need to gross around TWICE their production budget just to break even. If those $320 million reports are accurate, then this film's never going to turn much of a profit. Jack Sparrow may have finally been done in, not by fellow pirates, but by studio economics and a disinterested audience.

SPOILERS, I GUESS!

The Plot:
The movie opens as young Henry Turner sneaks out of his house at night, rows into the ocean and jumps overboard (!). Somehow he just happens to land on the deck of the ghostly Flying Dutchman, the ship captained by his father Will Turner (played by Orlando Bloom). After the events of the previous films, Will's cursed to ferry those who died at sea into the afterlife. Henry believes he can lift his father's curse with the help of the legendary Trident Of Poseidon. Will says to forget about him, and sends him back to his boat.

Nine years later, Henry (now played by Brenton Thwaites) is a sailor about the Monarch, a British Royal Navy ship. When the ship starts to sail into the Devil's Triangle, he warns the captain not to enter the dangerous area. He's accused of treason and locked in the brig.

The Monarch enters the Triangle and sure enough, it's immediately attacked by the undead Captain Salazar (played by Javier Bardem) and his ghostly crew of the Silent Mary. Salazar's men kill the entire Monarch crew (it's a Disney movie!) except for Henry. Salazar tells Henry to send a message to Jack Sparrow that he's coming for him.

On St. Martin, a young woman named Carina Smyth is accused of witchcraft for her knowledge of astronomy and horology (the study of time). She manages to escape her cell and sneaks out of the prison.

Elsewhere on the island, the Mayor (played by Bruce Spence) touts the theft-proof safe in the town's new bank. When he opens the safe, he finds Jack Sparrow (played of course by Johnny Depp) sleeping off a bender inside (?). Jack's crew ties a team of horses to the safe in order to steal it, but they inadvertently end up pulling the entire bank building through the streets of St. Martin (??).

The bank trundles through the streets in a massively expensive setpiece, as Jack hangs onto the safe for dear life. Unfortunately all the money in the safe falls out the open door as it bumps and jostles along the streets. By the time the crew makes it back to Jack's ship, there's only a single coin left in the safe. Jack's crew tells him they're fed up with his drunken, incompetent leadership and desert him.

Meanwhile, Henry's scheduled to be executed for treason. Carina sneaks back into the prison and tells him she has a diary containing a map to the Trident Of Poseidon, and for some reason wants him to help her find it.

Jack staggers into a pub to buy a bottle of rum. When he finds out he doesn't have enough money, he trades his magic compass (that points to the owner's fondest desire) for a bottle. For some reason, this immediately frees Captain Salazar and his crew from the Devil's Triangle, allowing them to come after Jack. Yeah, I don't get it either, but let's just go with it or we'll be here all day.

Carina helps Henry escape from prison. Unfortunately she's immediately recaptured and thrown back in jail. Jack's also arrested for bank robbery and tossed in the slammer. Henry visits Jack in prison, disappointed to find out that the legendary sea captain is a hopeless drunk. He tells Jack he plans to find the Trident and use it to break his father's curse.

Jack and Carina are taken to the gallows for execution. For some reason Jack's given the choice between hanging and the guillotine, and picks the latter. At the last second, Jack's crew comes to the rescue, led by Henry, who paid them to come. How he knew where Jack's crew was or even what they looked like is left to our imaginations. The pirates fight the guards and both Jack and Carina are nearly executed several times before they're ultimately freed. Everyone makes their way to Jack's ship, the Dying Gull, a barely-seaworthy tub that miraculously doesn't sink when it's launched.

Out at sea, Captain Barbosa (played by Jeffrey Rush) is enjoying the high life after taking the Queen Anne's Revenge from Captain Blackbeard (which happened in the fourth movie). Barbosa encounters a sea witch, who for some reason now has Jack's compass. She gives it to Barbosa.

Salazar then approaches Barbosa's ship and calls for a meeting. Salazar infodumps his origin story to Barbosa, saying that many years ago he was a captain in the Spanish Navy, determined to wipe out every pirate he saw. They came across a pirate ship with a young Jack Sparrow among the crew. Salazar and his men attacked the ship, killing many of the pirates.

As Jack's captain lay dying, he gave him the magic compass. Jack then assumed command of the ship, and tricked Salazar into following him. At the last second Jack's ship veered off, and Salazar's sailed helplessly into the Devil's Triangle, which I have to admit was a pretty cool scene. The ship was destroyed and all aboard were lost, doomed to live as ghosts in the Triangle. Jack then became captain of his own ship.

Salazar now wants to find the Trident Of Poseidon (that makes THREE people looking for it now) and use to to kill Jack Sparrow. Barbosa agrees to help him.

A British Navy ship spots the Dying Gull and heads toward it. Suddenly Salazar's ship appears and destroys the Brits. Salazar and his men then board Jack's ship and attack. Jack, Henry and Carina escape in a rowboat and head for a nearby island (our heroes, ladies and gentlemen!). Salazar sends a group of zombie sharks after them, but the three manage to escape and make it to shore. Because of their curse, Salazar and his crew can't step onto dry land, so Jack and the others are safe as long as they stay on the island.

Barbosa arrives on the island and demands something from Jack— the Black Pearl. In one of the previous films, the ship was magically miniaturized and placed inside a bottle, which Jack wears around his neck. Jack agrees, breaking the bottle and setting the tiny ship in the water, where it instantly grows to full size. Barbosa then takes command of the ship, and ties Jack to the mast. For some reason, he allows Henry and Carina to come along for the ride, unrestrained.

Carina uses the stars and the map in her diary to navigate their way to the Trident. Barbosa sees a design on the cover of her diary, and recognizes it as his own. He then realizes that Carina is his daughter. He left her (and the diary) at an orphanage years ago, to give her a chance at a better life. In a rare lucid moment, Jack figures this out as well, and Barbosa threatens to cut out his tongue if he tells Carina about her parentage.

Eventually the ship reaches a remote island where the Trident's located, and Jack, Barbosa, Henry and Carina go ashore to search for the Trident. Carina sees a field of jewels corresponding to the design on her diary, but can't locate the Trident. She sees a large jewel jutting out of a rock, and realizes a piece of it's missing. She pulls the small jewel from the cover of her diary and places it in the larger one. It fits perfectly, and the large jewel lights up, causing the sea to magically split in two (Moses-like), revealing the Trident at the bottom.

Jack, Henry, Barbosa and Carina run down the Trident, just as Salazar and his men appear on one side of the ocean. Salazar grabs the Trident and tries to stab Jack with it. Henry somehow realizes that destroying the Trident will break EVERY curse of the sea worldwide. He breaks it in half, and the undead Salazar and his men are instantly brought back to life (um... shouldn't they turn into moldy corpses?).

With the Trident destroyed, the sea trench starts to collapse. Far above, the Black Pearl sails as close to the edge of the trench as possible, dropping its anchor so Jack, Henry, Barbosa and Carina can climb back up. They start climbing the chain, but Salazar sees them, and he and his men follow.

As they climb, Carina notices Barbosa has a tattoo on his arm that matches the design on her diary. She realizes the truth about her parentage, and asks what she is to him. He answers "Treasure," and lets go of the chain. He falls onto Salazar and his men, knocking them off the chain. The ocean trench closes, engulfing them all. Jack, Henry and Carina make it back up to the Black Pearl.

Some time later, Henry and Carina stand on a hill and kiss. She says she's decided to ditch the name "Smyth," and call herself "Barbosa" in honor of her father. They watch as a figure emerges from the ocean, and see it's Henry's father Will, who's now freed from his curse. Elizabeth Swann, or I guess Turner (played by Keira Knightley) shows up for ten seconds and welcomes Will home.

Jack's once again Captain of the Black Pearl. He has his magic compass back and uses it to set sail for the sixth movie.

In the after credits scene, Will and Elizabeth are in bed asleep. Their bedroom door opens, and a shadowy figure with a large claw enters. Will wakes up, sees nothing and goes back to sleep. We pan down to see soggy barnacles on the floor, indicating Davey Jones was there.

Thoughts: 
• For some reason, Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Men Tell No Tales is known as Pirates Of The Caribbean: Salazar's Revenge in the UK. Strange. Maybe there's already a film with a similar title there?

• Javier Bardem plays Captain Salazar in the film. He's keeping things in the family, as his wife Penelope Cruz starred as Angelica in the previous movie, Pirates Of The Caribbean: On Stranger Tides.

• Brenton Thwaites plays Henry Turner, son of Orlando Bloom's Will Turner. I'm assuming Thwaites was cast for his slight resemblance to Bloom, and because he delivers a similarly wooden performance.

By the way, in real life Thwaites is only twelve years younger than Bloom, and just four years younger than his "mother" Keira Knightley. Kids grow up so fast these days!

That's still nowhere close to the most ridiculous "Minimum Familial Age Gap" record set by 2004's Alexander. In that film, Angelina Jolie plays the MOTHER of Colin Ferrell, despite the fact that she's only ONE year older than him!

• Because of her scientific knowledge, Carina's accused of being a witch and sentenced to hang. 

Oddly enough there's an actual witch in the film, who helps both Barbosa and the British Navy locate Jack Sparrow. Even more puzzling, the Navy officers seem perfectly willing to work with her, never once suggesting she be locked up or executed.

So which is it, movie? Does this society hate witches or doesn't it?

The movie's supposedly set in 1755. England abolished the practice of executing witches two decades earlier in 1736. Additionally, astronomy was a proven science at the time, as the Greenwich Naval Observatory was founded in 1675. Carina's knowledge of the stars would not have been seen as heretical, supernatural or witchy.

• By the way, for someone who claims to have studied astronomy, Carina doesn't know what she's talking about. She says she was named after "The Brightest Star In The North." Um... Carina isn't a star, it's a constellation— one that's only visible in the Southern Hemisphere. Whoops! 

Secondly, the movie takes place in 1755, meaning Carina was probably born sometime around 1735. The Carina constellation was discovered in 1751. Double whoops!

• When Jack's captured and thrown in the dungeon, he meets his Uncle, er, Jack, who's locked up as well. 

For some reason, former Beatle Paul McCartney has a cameo role as Uncle Jack. I guess it's only natural— after all, Rolling Stones member Keith Richards played Jack Sparrow's father Captain Teague in Pirates of the Caribbean: At World's End and Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides.

• When Jack's placed in the guillotine, he looks down and sees a couple of severed heads in the basket below him. This is an Easter egg, as the heads were modeled after the film's directors, Joachim Ronning and Espen Sandberg.

• Nitpick Alert! The Pirates movies have never been big on historical accuracy, a trend that definitely continues here. After Jack's captured, he chooses the guillotine as his form of execution., noting it was invented by the French. Sorry, Jack. There was a similar contraption in use in England in the 1755, but it looked quite different and was called "The Maiden." Dr. Joseph Guillotin invented the, er, guillotine as we know it in 1789, well after the movie takes place.

Additionally, Jack mentions mayonnaise, saying it was invented by the French as well. He's technically right, but it wasn't called "mayonnaise" until 1806.

Inaccuracies like this generally bother me, as they could be avoided with thirty seconds of googling. I'm not terribly upset by the slip-ups here though, as this is a big dumb action movie and not a documentary. Besides, it's got far bigger problems than flubbing the date that mayonnaise was invented.

• Whenever we see the soggy Captain Salazar, his long, stringy hair flows back and forth like it's being affected by unseen underwater currents. It's a nice little detail that I liked quite a bit, and was probably a nightmare for the CGI artists to create.

• Speaking of CGI— one of the highlights of Dead Men Tell No Tales is Jack Sparrow's origin story, as we get to see him back when he was young, sober and in his prime. It's actually one of the better parts of the movie, as we watch him outsmart Captain Salazar, see where he got the name "Sparrow" and find out why he wears his signature hat and beads.

Young Jack is played by Johnny Depp of course, as Disney once again trots out the digital de-aging technology that they love to use so much. Maybe they paid a lot for it, so they're trying to get their money's worth? The tech was used to great effect to de-age Robert Downey Jr. In Captain America: Civil War and Kurt Russell in Guardians Of The Galaxy Vol. 2.

Honestly I'd rather see an entire movie this young, in-his-prime Jack Sparrow, instead of the perpetually inebriated sot who wore out his welcome log ago. It'd probably be too expensive to de-age Johnny Depp for an entire movie though.

• In the third act, Henry breaks the Trident Of Neptune, which breaks all curses of the sea all over the world. While that sounds like a good thing, it should have caused quite a few problems for the characters that never actually occur.

When Salazar and his men first sailed into the Devil's Triangle, their ship exploded, instantly killing them all and turning them into soggy ghosts. Most of the ghosts appear to be minus significant body parts. Salazar himself is missing the back of his skull, while others are lacking limbs, chests and even heads (!). Heck, one of his men appears to be nothing more than a floating torso. 

Yet once their curse is lifted, for some reason Salazar and his crew are transformed back into completely whole, living humans. I dunno... they were blown up and dismembered before they were cursed, right? So shouldn't they turn into inanimate piles of rotting meat?

Similarly, once the Trident's snapped in two, Will Turner's curse is lifted and he's able to return to land and join his wife Elizabeth. 

But in Pirates Of The Caribbean: At World's End, Will's heart was cut out (!) and placed inside the Dead Man's Chest for reasons. Seems like the second the curse was lifted, he should have dropped dead like a sack of wet laundry.

Sounds like the screenwriter forgot to watch the previous films before he sat down at the computer.

• At the end of the movie, Barbosa attacks Salazar, sacrificing himself to save his daughter Carina.

Earlier this year in Guardians Of The Galaxy Vol. 2 (SPOILERS!), Yondu attacks Ego, sacrificing himself to save his foster son Peter.

Pirates came out just a month after Guardians, so there's no way it could have deliberately stolen this little story arc. Still, it's an interesting coincidence that two big budget summer films killed off a major character in exactly the same way.

Pirates Of The Caribbean: Dead Men Tell No Tales isn't a terrible film (it's nowhere near as bad as The Mummy), but it's bland, repetitive and offers absolutely nothing we haven't already seen in the previous four outings. Johnny Depp's once-entertaining Jack Sparrow shtick wore out its welcome long ago, as he's now lapsed firmly into self parody. For diehard fans of the franchise only. I give it a C+.

When I See An Elephant Fly

This week Disney announced they've tapped Tim Burton to direct a new brand new live-action Dumbo film.

It's no wonder, as Disney's had great success with their recent string of live-action remakes. Burton's own Alice In Wonderland grossed an astonishing $1.2 billion dollars in 2010, while last year's Maleficent pulled in $750 million. Disney hopes to repeat this success with a live-action Cinderella, which opens this weekend.

Nothing is yet known about the new Dumbo film, but I'm going to go out on a limb and make a couple of predictions.

First of all, since this is going to be a Tim Burton production, it's a given it'll feature Johnny Depp in heavy elephant prosthetics or motion capture as Dumbo.

Second, considering the hyper-sensitive, ultra PC hellscape in which we currently live, I'm betting it will NOT feature any of these characters. Unless maybe they're "re-imagined" as streetwise, hip-hop urban crows.

Batsh*t insane organization PETA apparently got wind of the project and have already opened their noise holes. They sent an appeal to Burton, urging him to change the content of the film. Says PETA:

We love the original Dumbo because it tells the story of the heartbreaking abuse that elephants in circuses endure, and we hope you will keep this storyline in the new film. A bullhook is a sharp metal weapon used in circuses to control elephants— and it's the same tool used by elephant trainers in film and television. And just like in the circus, elephants used in film and television don't perform because they want to. They perform because they're afraid that they'll be beaten if they don't.

Well that shouldn't traumatize the youngsters in the audience at all, PETA. In fact why just imply violence against animals— let's ramp it up and turn the silver screen blood red!

They've also asked Burton to change the ending of the movie:

We're hopeful that in your adaptation of Dumbo, the young elephant and his mother can have a truly happy ending by living out their lives at a sanctuary instead of continuing to be imprisoned and abused in the entertainment industry.

Maybe PETA needs to make their own flying elephant movie the way they want to see it done, and leave the classics be.

It Came From The Cineplex: Mortdecai

The January Film Dumping Ground Season continues into February! Yes, it's that magical time of year where the studios burn off all the celluloid dogs they didn't dare release during the all-important and lucrative summer and Xmas blockbusters seasons. Brace yourselves for an onslaught of watered-down PG-13 horror films, romcoms, dance-off movies and fart comedies. It's a great time to be a film fan.

Mortdecai was written by Eric Aronson, and directed by David Koepp.

Koepp has a pretty impressive track record as the screenwriter of Jurassic Park, Mission Impossible, Spider-Man, War Of The Worlds (the remake) and Men In Black 3— all films I like quite a bit. But he also wrote The Lost World: Jurassic Park and Indiana Jones And The Kingdom Of The Crystal Skull. Ah well, I guess nobody can hit one out of the park every time at bat.

Additionally, Koepp wrote and directed the less than stellar Secret Window, which also starred Johnny Depp. I'm thinking maybe these two should stop collaborating on films.

The film is based on the Mortdecai novels by Kyril Bonfiglioli, primarily Don't Point That Thing At Me, the first in the series. The convoluted plot is fine, and feels like an homage to classic caper films of the 1960s and 1970s, such as The Pink Panther, Oceans 11, How To Steal A Million and Who's Minding The Mint. Unfortunately Mortdecai is set in the present day, which makes it feel out of place and dated. It would have worked much better if they'd made it a period piece set in the 70s.

Once again Johnny Depp dons a funny wig and costume along with an outrageous accent in yet another of his string of self-indulgent roles. To say he chews the scenery would be an understatement, as he devours it whole, and with gusto. Unfortunately he seems to be having much more fun playing the part than the audience does watching him.

Depp seems to be channeling Terry-Thomas here, in look as well as mannerisms. He's even got Thomas' trademark gap-toothed grin!

The movie's not the disaster I expected after seeing the trailer, but I wouldn't necessarily call it good either. It features a standout cast, including Gwyneth Paltrow, Ewan McGregor, Paul Bettany and Jeff Goldblum, but sadly does little or nothing with them. Koepp was apparently so busy with the writing and the directing that he forgot to include anything resembling a joke, believing that seeing people standing around speaking with funny accents is all you need to make an audience guffaw. Boy, was he wrong.

In fact the film seems determined to be as unfunny as possible as it barely generates more than a few half-hearted, polite chuckles. The biggest laugh in the entire movie is when Mortdecai's wife Johanna gags at the thought of kissing his mustachioed lips, causing him to reflexively vomit in return. The filmmakers apparently know that's the only bit that has a chance of getting a laugh, so they repeat it ten or twelve times throughout the movie.

SPOILERS, I SUPPOSE

The Plot:
Lord Charlie Mortdecai (Johnny Depp) is an eccentric, buffoonish art dealer who occasionally does business with the dark underbelly of the art world. He has a stylish and sophisticated wife Johanna (Gwyneth Paltrow), who's repulsed by his newly-grown waxed mustache, and a manservant/thug named Jock Strapp (Paul Bettany), who rescues him from various dangerous situations.

Mortdecai is also broke, owing some eight million pounds to the British government. Inspector Alistair Martland (Ewan McGregor) of MI5 enlists Mortdecai to help recover a stolen Goya painting. Mortdecai agrees to find the painting, knowing there's a secret code on the back that leads to the location of a hidden stash of $8 million dollars in Nazi gold. $8 million which can dig him out of his financial hole.

There's lots of globe-trotting, shooting, car chases, art auctions and general running about, as Mortdecai eventually recovers the painting and the $8 million. Unfortunately Martland and the British government garnish the majority of it, leaving Mortdecai and Johanna with only a couple thousand pounds.

Mortdecai then agrees to shave his mustache for Johanna, but she decides to let him keep it. She kisses him passionately for a few moments until she gags, causing him to follow suit. The audience then slowly and grimly files out of the theater, vowing to reexamine their lives.

Thoughts:
• I have very little to say about this film, so this may be one of my shortest reviews ever.

• If the idea of seeing Johnny Depp playing a pretentious English buffoon who says things such as, "I say, good show old chap!" strikes you as hilarious, then you'll likely have a good time. If not, you're in for a very long 106 minutes.

• Mortdecai and Jock remind me more than a little of Inspector Clouseau and his manservant Cato from the Pink Panther films. Wait, did I say they're a little like them? I meant exactly. Right down to the "Able Assistant Does All The Work While The Inept Boss Reaps The Rewards" trope. This isn't the movie's fault though, as the characters and their relationship came straight from the books. Still, it's distractingly blatant.

• Gwyneth Paltrow is a fine actress, but her English accent leaves much to be desired. Every time she opened her mouth I marveled at just how fake her accent sounded. It's not Dick Van Dyke in Mary Poppins bad, but it definitely ain't good. I can only imagine how grating it sounds to an actual British person.

• Mortdecia's manservant is named Jock Strapp. Wakka wakka! Again, I can't blame the movie for this one, as the character's name originated in the books. Still... these are the kinds of jokes you're in for.

• I have no idea why this film was rated R. There are a couple of F bombs in it, but other than there's nothing racy about it.

Several of the Romantic era paintings in the film are of nudes— is that what generated the R rating? Are painted tits now just as verboten in film as real ones?

• In 2014 Lionsgate Studios announced that they'd be creating a whole series of Mortdecai films based on the various books. Given this movie's anemic box office earnings— it's only managed to gross a paltry $7 million as of this review— those plans seem unlikely. Sorry, Mortdecai fans! Looks like this'll be the one and only film you get.

Mortdecai isn't as bad as the trailers suggest, but it's curiously outdated and seemingly disinterested in being funny. I give it a C+.

Update: Ordinarily I make it a policy to never go back and revise my movie reviews. Once I give a film a grade, I let it stand. 

Well, rules were made to be broken. I don't know what the hell I was thinking when I originally gave Mortdecai a C+, but I can't in good conscience let that score stand. This is a terrible, terrible movie, and at the very least it deserves a D-.

It Came From The Cineplex: Tusk

Tusk was written and directed by Kevin Smith.

The film is a very disturbing mix of horror and dark comedy that has trouble settling on a tone. It's very reminiscent of Misery and The Human Centipede, with a pinch of Psycho thrown into the mix. If you're squeamish and not a fan of body horror, this isn't the movie for you.

The movie's origin comes dangerously close to being more interesting than the film itself. During one of Smith's "SModcasts," which he produces with his longtime friend Scott Mosier, he told of an ad he saw on Gumtree (sort of the British equivalent of craigslist). The ad was for an eccentric homeowner who was offering free room and board to a lodger willing to dress up in a walrus costume for two hours per day.

The ad turned out to be a hoax of course, but Smith and Mosier ran with it and in the course of their podcast created an entire horror film based on the concept. Smith then asked his Twitter followers to vote yes if they wanted him to make the film, or no if not. Apparently the ayes won out, and here we are. We can blame the internet for this one, I suppose.

I'm not a fan of Kevin Smith's work, as his brand of movie making is much too self indulgent for my tastes. Nowhere is that self indulgence more evident than in the end credits, in which we hear a snippet of the actual podcast in which Smith and Moiser come up with the plot. They're barely able to speak as they chortle and guffaw at their own cleverness.

Smith also seems completely enamored with his own overwrought and excessive dialog, as conversations between his characters tend to go on interminably. You're making movies, Kevin. You're supposed to show, not tell.

Oddly enough I liked Smith's previous film Red State quite a bit. It seemed to avoid most of the pitfalls and tropes of his earlier work.  For the first time it felt like he'd made a regular film rather than a Kevin Smith movie. I hoped that Tusk would benefit from the lessons he learned while making Red State, but it wasn't to be. Tusk starts out promisingly, but halfway through it falters and falls into the same old self indulgence ruts as his earlier work. 

SPOILERS!
The Plot:
Sleazy podcaster Wallace Bryton (played by Justin Long) travels to Canada in search of mockable material for his show. He's put in touch with an eccentric retired sailor named Howard Howe (played by the always excellent Michael Parks) and travels to his mansion to meet him. Howe is charming at first, but his chilling agenda is soon revealed.

Howe was shipwrecked for a time on a small island with a walrus as his only companion. He claims no friendship before or since has been as fulfilling as the one he had with "Mr. Tusk."

In order to relive his glory days with Mr. Tusk, Howe kidnaps Wallace and begins horrifically altering his body so he'll fit into a walrus costume he's sewn from human skin. The deformed Wallace is forced to wear the suit and act as a real walrus for Howe's amusement.

Wallace's girlfriend Ally, his podcast partner Teddy and a Canadian detective named Guy Lapointe (played by an uncredited Johnny Depp!) track Wallace to Howe's mansion, where events reach a gruesome and disturbing end.

Thoughts:
• At the beginning of the film, Wallace and Teddy are watching a viral video of the Kill Bill Kid, a bumbling teen who swings a samurai sword and accidentally dismembers himself.

Obviously this is based on the Star Wars Kid video that first popped up way back in 2002. Timely!

• Speaking of timeliness, the film is chock full of Canadian jokes. You know, how Canadians are all overly polite, love hockey and say "aboot" instead of about? That sort of thing. This might have been mildly amusing twenty years ago, but now? They're covering some very, very well-worn ground.

• Is there a reason why the movie poster looks a lot like the one for The Nightmare Before Christmas? If it was intentional, I don't get the joke.

• The main character's name is "Wallace," and he's turned into a walrus. He also sports a cheesy looking mustache that's reminiscent of a walrus' whiskers. Com-O-Dee!

• On the way to Howe's mansion, Wallace encounters two snarky Canadian convenience store employees. The two teens are played by Harley Quinn Smith and Lily-Rose Depp, the daughters of Kevin Smith and Johnny Depp, respectively.

• Michael Parks stars as eccentric recluse Howard Howe, and as always he's absolutely hypnotic. You can't take your eyes off him. The initial meeting between Wallace and Howe is mesmerizing, as Howe starts out spinning colorful tales from his equally colorful life, but slowly and steadily descends into madness as his true intentions become clear. Smith's interminable dialog actually becomes an asset here when it's spoken by Parks. 

Parks also starred in Smith's Red State, playing a very Fred Phelps-like character. You may also remember him as Sheriff Earl McGraw in many of Quentin Tarantino's films.

• In order to transform Wallace, Howe drugs him and amputates his leg. When Wallace wakes up and demands answers, Howe spins an elaborate story of a brown recluse spider bite that necessitated the radical surgery.

During this scene, Howe is seen slowly and deliberately sharpening a long piece of bone. I didn't get it at first, but later realized he was actually carving Wallace's leg bone into a tusk to be used in his walrus suit. Yikes!

• Howe tells Wallace that he grew up as a Duplessis orphan, which amazingly was a real thing. 

In the early 20th century, Canadian orphanages were the responsibility of the provincial government, while mental institutions were wholly funded by the federal government. In order to save money and obtain federal funding, the Catholic Church relabeled their orphanages as mental institutions or sent their orphans to insane asylums. These Duplessis orphans were then quite often tortured and abused by fellow patients and staff alike.

Horrible, but I'm not sure it's justification for turning someone into a walrus.

• For some unfathomable reason, Howe leaves Wallace's cell phone on a table in the parlor (even though in an earlier scene he said it was accidentally stepped on and destroyed). Wallace gets ahold of it and manages to leave several frantic messages for help on Ally and Teddy's phones.

The two then begin a surprisingly sophisticated and methodical search for Wallace. I don't know if it was deliberate of just a coincidence, but this section of the film is very reminiscent of Alfred Hitchock's Psycho (except not as well done, of course), in which Lila Crane and Sam Loomis search for the missing Marion Crane, with the help of Detective Arbogast.

• Ally and Teddy contact eccentric Detective Guy Lapointe, who's devoted his life to capturing serial killer Howard Howe.

Despite the cutesy credits that assure us that Guy Lapointe stars as himself, he's actually played by Johnny Depp in heavy prosthetics (please excuse the poor quality photo; that's the best I could find). Unfortunately he gives Lapointe a ridiculous, over the top French-Canadian accent that would make Inspector Clouseau blush. It's a performance that makes Captain Jack Sparrow seem subtle.

I'm sure Depp was having the time of his life playing this role, but pity the poor audience that has to watch it. 

The Lapointe character seems like he wandered onto the set from a completely different film, and changes the entire tone of the movie. I assume his antics are supposed to be humorous, but they're just jarring, particularly when interspersed with the gruesome body horror scenes. 

Up to this point the film was a relatively competent combination of black comedy and disturbing horror. Depp's character sends it reeling straight into farce. He singlehandedly torpedoes the entire film.

I don't know if Smith just ate up Depp's performance and encouraged him to take it even further, or if he was afraid to try and reign in such an A-list actor. Whatever the reason, someone needed to tell Depp to tone it down a notch or twelve. Or better yet, edit him out of the film completely.

• Smith obviously realized that the main "turning a man into a walrus" story couldn't sustain an entire film, so he periodically splices in lengthy and talky flashback sequences. They do manage to pad out the runtime, but at the cost of the audiences' patience.

The most unnecessary of these flashbacks concerns Detective Lapointe's chance meeting with Howard Howe two years before the events of the film. It's a tour-de-force of scenery chewing, as the two actors try to out-overact one another with their outrageous accents.

The scene goes on far too long, does absolutely nothing to further the plot, and could easily be excised with no damage to the film whatsoever.

• After Wallace is abducted, we find out that his girlfriend Ally is having an affair with his best friend and co-host Teddy. Smith shoots these scenes in such a way that the identity of Ally's paramour is concealed for some time before finally revealing him. I honestly don't understand why he bothered to hide Teddy's identity as long as he did.

There're only five main characters in the film. Ally can't cheat on Wallace with himself, Howe's busy transforming Wallace, and she didn't meet LaPointe until after she started her affair. Teddy's the only other person in the movie! Who the hell else could she have been cheating with?

This reminds me of the time I wrote a detective story when I was around 13. I showed it to a friend and was dismayed when he immediately guessed the identity of the murderer. He said it wasn't tough to figure out– I only had three characters in my story. The victim, the detective and the suspect!

• Back when I saw the first Iron Man movie in the theater, I turned to my pal and said Black Sabbath's Iron Man would appear on the soundtrack at some point. How could the filmmakers resist such a thing?

I did the same thing here. I said we'd hear Fleetwood Mac's anthem Tusk before the film was over. And I wasn't disappointed. It was inevitable.

• Howe further mutilates Wallace's body, removing both his legs, grafting his upper arms to his torso and removing his tongue. He then sews Wallace into a grotesque walrus suit, made from the skin of his previous victims. Howe then demands that Wallace act like a walrus, so he can recreate the months he spent with Mr. Tusk. Yep, you read right. All that really happens. This probably wouldn't be a very good date movie.

• In the film's climax, Wallace savagely kills Howe with his tusks. We realize that he's not only become a walrus physically, but mentally as well. 

A year later Ally and Teddy visit an exotic animal sanctuary in Canada. Wallace is living in the sanctuary, still inside the walrus suit. He's now gone full walrus, and there's no coming back for him.

So... how the hell did this happen? How is he living in the sanctuary? How'd they approach the owner about this? Wallace is obviously not a real walrus. Don't you think the owner, not to mention the authorities, might have a problem with the idea of a mutilated man in a walrus suit sewn out of human skin being kept in a zoo? 

Apparently this ridiculous arrangement is none of our concern, as the film abruptly ends here.

• Kevin Smith recently announced that he intends Tusk to be the first part of a True North Trilogy. Part Two would be called Yoga-Hosers, and will feature the two aforementioned Convenience Store Girls in their own adventure (!), along with the entire cast of Tusk. Part Three of the trilogy would be titled Moose Jaws, and according to Smith, is "basically Jaws with a moose." 

The entire world waits with baited breath...

Tusk is a horrifying and disturbing film that can't seem to settle on a tone, as writer and director Kevin Smith reverts back to his old self indulgent ways. Michael Parks is worth watching as always, but Johnny Depp's over the top cameo torpedoes any sense of horror and dread the film may have had, and actually dragged down my score. I give it a C+.

It Came From The Cineplex: The Lone Ranger

The Lone Ranger is the latest from Disney and Gore Verbinski, director of the never-ending Pirates Of The Caribbean film series. 

The film was a troubled production from the get-go and it's a miracle it ever made it to the screen at all. There were numerous script changes and lots of money woes. At one point Disney even cancelled it until the budget was slashed and reworked. I wonder if they regret that decision now?

Sadly the movie's box office performance has fallen far short of expectations. The media has gleefully sunk its teeth into this statistic like a pit bull, declaring to anyone who'll listen that it's an unqualified bomb. I have to wonder if the poor box office is due to genuine disinterest on the part of the public or to the media endlessly poisoning moviegoers against it? 

For the record I don't think it's a bomb. It's definitely not great, but it was reasonably entertaining and I've seen far, far worse this summer. 

It's definitely better than the previous attempt at bringing the Ranger back to the big screen, in 1981's The Legend Of The Lone Ranger. That film was most definitely an unqualified bomb. It starred a young unknown named Klinton Spilsbury as the Ranger and effectively began— and ended — his acting career. Spilsbury's performance was reportedly so bad that all his dialog had to be dubbed by actor James Keach, and he never starred in another film again. 

I wonder if can ever be a great The Lone Ranger movie these days? I have a feeling the property's just too old fashioned for today's jaded audiences.

The film has an amazing cast and the two leads have a good chemistry between them. It's beautifully shot, with lots of John Ford-like panoramic vistas. On the down side, it attempts to tweak and play with the standard Western conventions, with mixed results. This is not your father's Lone Ranger. This is an attempt to update the character and make him relevant for our current cynical, snarky times.

It's also an unfocused and excessively long film, clocking in at a butt-numbing two and a half hours. If they'd tightened the focus a bit and edited it down to a trimmer size, they might have had a good film on their hands.

Although the film is called The Lone Ranger, this is most definitely Tonto's film. Nowhere is this more evident than in the poster. Just look at it! Notice how Tonto's entire body is featured, while amazingly the poor Lone Ranger is actually being shoved off to the side! Johnny Depp even gets top billing.

Not that there's anything wrong with that. The Ranger has been the focus of the franchise for decades, so why not try spotlighting the sidekick for once? 

There's been much hand-wringing and gnashing of teeth over the fact that Johnny Depp is playing Tonto in this film. Is it wrong for a caucasian to play a Native American? I'm afraid I'm not smart enough to answer that. 

Depp claims he has Native American ancestry through a great grandmother. The Comanche Nation even adopted him as an official member. That's good enough for me. If they're OK with it then why are everyone else's panties in a bunch? 

If it makes anyone feel better, there were several real Native Americans in the cast.

But just for the sake of argument, let's say it is wrong for Depp to play a Native American. So who else could we get to play Tonto? What popular Native American actor can we cast? The only one I can think of is Wes Studi, who's of the Cherokee Nation. He's 65 years old though, so that's probably not going to work. Hmm... what about... umm...

See? Even if you wanted to be politically correct, sadly there's no one else to pick. There are no famous Native American actors out there. Casting an unknown isn't an option either, because the studio wants someone who's a box office draw and will put butts in the seats. Like it or not, there was no chance in hell of a Native American ever playing Tonto in this film.

And if you're one of those who's gonna go all hardline and say it's absolutely wrong for a white man to play a Native American, then this kind of thing needs to stop as well. You can't just dip your toe in this particular pool; you've got to dive in all the way. If it's wrong for one group, then it's wrong all across the board.

MASKED SPOILERS AHEAD!

The Plot:

In 1933 a boy encounters an elderly Tonto in a San Francisco sideshow. Tonto tells the boy the story of how in 1869 he met lawyer John Reid, the man who would become the Lone Ranger. 

There's an evil guy who eats the hearts of his enemies and kills Reid's brother, Reid possibly dies and comes back to life, there's lots of shoot outs and explosions, whores with ivory legs that shoot bullets, silver mines, spirit horses and a rousing locomotive chase.

Pros:

• Whether it's politically correct or not, I enjoyed Depp's portrayal of Tonto. He brought some much needed humor to the proceedings, as there were definite traces of Buster Keaton in his performance, along with a little Jack Sparrow.

• Nice to hear the William Tell Overture again.

• John Reid is left for dead and when he wakes up he finds Tonto has placed him atop a rickety "spirit platform" on the peak of a mountain. If you're like me you saw the scene and thought, "Big deal, it's just another green screen shot!" Nope! The scene was completely real and filmed on location, with actor Armie Hammer perched atop an actual platform. He did have a safety line attached to him (which was digitally erased), but other than that everything in the scene is real. Kudos to the filmmakers and Hammer!

Cons:

• As regular readers of my blog are well aware, I am not a fan of the "Flashback Framing Device" in movies. Tonto tells the origin story of the Lone Ranger to a young boy in 1933, so from the very first frame we know nothing's going to happen to him.

Of course there was no way Tonto was going to die in the movie anyway, but the flashback structure cements it in our minds, preventing any possibility of dramatic tension. I really don't get why filmmakers continue to use this narrative technique.

• This film has a violent streak a mile wide. I bet it has a higher body count than most slasher movies. Bodies fall dead to the ground with alarming regularity. In particular the massacre of Tonto's entire tribe (including women and infants) seemed excessively brutal.

Then there's Butch Cavendish (played by a nearly unrecognizable William Fichtner), the film's main villain. He's a charming individual who eats the hearts of his victims. It's also implied that he removed the leg of brothel owner Red Herrington (played by Helena Bonham Carter). Yikes! A Disney movie this is?

• What was up with the cross-dressing outlaw? He spends most of the movie with a doily on his head and no one bats an eye. People in the Old West were apparently very tolerant of alternative lifestyles.

• Tonto wears a dead raven on top of his head throughout the entire film,  even in 1933. So why didn't it ever decay and rot away? Apparently Tonto is well-versed in the art of taxidermy.

Similarly, his face is covered in black and white paint all through the movie. At one point he and the Lone Ranger dive into the water to avoid an explosion. As they surface, Tonto's face paint remains perfectly intact. Maybe it's Mayballine?

• Speaking of the bird, Tonto believes it's his spirit animal and constantly feeds it corn all through the movie. It was slightly amusing the first time, but along about the forty seventh time he did so the gag started to wear a bit thin.

• The Ranger and Tonto enter Red Herrington's brothel to question her. When her answers aren't forthcoming, they try to blackmail her by pretending to be health inspectors, telling her they noticed several health code violations in her establishment. Nope! There was no Board of Health in 1869. Upton Sinclair didn't even write The Jungle until 1906. It was a mildly funny bit, but hopelessly anachronistic.

There are a lot of other time-related mistakes in the film as well: There were thirty seven stars on the American flag in 1869, not fifty. The Texas Rangers were disbanded prior to 1869 and weren't re-formed until 1872. Even then they didn't wear badges until the late 1870s. Coal wasn't commonly burned in locomotives until the 1870s. Twist-up lipstick was invented in 1923. During the 1933 prologue, "Tumblin' Tumbleweeds" is playing in the background, but it wasn't recorded until 1935. Whoops!

• At one point a tribe of Native Americans bury the Ranger and Tonto up to their necks in the dirt and leave them for dead. Scorpions then rise up from the ground and crawl over their faces. The whole time the scorpions make little squeals and squeaking noises. I'm pretty sure scorpions don't make any noise at all.

I've seen this in many, many films featuring insects and arachnids. Bugs don't squeak! 

• During a mild disagreement the Lone Ranger whacks Tonto in the back of the head with a shovel (!). Fortunately this doesn't kill him and only knocks him out cold. When he regains consciousness, he winces and rubs the front of his head (my nephew pointed out this one).

• Near the end of the film there's a big shootout on a train between the Ranger and Butch Cavendish. Apparently Butch acquired one of those fancy "fifty shooters" that were introduced in 1869, because he fires a good thirty or forty rounds without ever once reloading.

These "infinite round revolvers" have been in movies since the silent era, but it was carried to absurd extremes here.

• The big set piece at the end of the film involves a chase between two trains on two separate tracks. It's an exciting and rousing sequence, full of near misses and thrilling stunts. Too bad it doesn't make a lick of sense though.

The chase begins at Promontory Point, the place in which the Union and Central Pacific railroads joined in 1869 (which is in Texas in the film, but in reality was in Utah. Whoops again!). There are two trains present, facing one other for the historic event. Tonto steals one of the trains and drives it off backwards. The villains pursue him in the other train and are almost immediately diverted to a parallel track and the chase begins.

OK, I get why the trains are on two tracks— it makes for an exciting sequence as they pass over and under one another and the characters leap from one train to another. But logically there's absolutely no reason for there to be two tracks running parallel to one another just a few dozen feet apart. They were at Promontory Point. These are the very first tracks to ever stretch this deeply into the country! There's no way there would already be another set of tracks in the area, especially so close together. Thrilling, yes. Believable, no.

Overlong, overly violent, but not the train wreck the media wants you to believe. With a little script polishing and some strict editing, it could have been great. I give it a B-.