When I See An Elephant Fly

This week Disney announced they've tapped Tim Burton to direct a new brand new live-action Dumbo film.

It's no wonder, as Disney's had great success with their recent string of live-action remakes. Burton's own Alice In Wonderland grossed an astonishing $1.2 billion dollars in 2010, while last year's Maleficent pulled in $750 million. Disney hopes to repeat this success with a live-action Cinderella, which opens this weekend.

Nothing is yet known about the new Dumbo film, but I'm going to go out on a limb and make a couple of predictions.

First of all, since this is going to be a Tim Burton production, it's a given it'll feature Johnny Depp in heavy elephant prosthetics or motion capture as Dumbo.

Second, considering the hyper-sensitive, ultra PC hellscape in which we currently live, I'm betting it will NOT feature any of these characters. Unless maybe they're "re-imagined" as streetwise, hip-hop urban crows.

Batsh*t insane organization PETA apparently got wind of the project and have already opened their noise holes. They sent an appeal to Burton, urging him to change the content of the film. Says PETA:

We love the original Dumbo because it tells the story of the heartbreaking abuse that elephants in circuses endure, and we hope you will keep this storyline in the new film. A bullhook is a sharp metal weapon used in circuses to control elephants— and it's the same tool used by elephant trainers in film and television. And just like in the circus, elephants used in film and television don't perform because they want to. They perform because they're afraid that they'll be beaten if they don't.

Well that shouldn't traumatize the youngsters in the audience at all, PETA. In fact why just imply violence against animals— let's ramp it up and turn the silver screen blood red!

They've also asked Burton to change the ending of the movie:

We're hopeful that in your adaptation of Dumbo, the young elephant and his mother can have a truly happy ending by living out their lives at a sanctuary instead of continuing to be imprisoned and abused in the entertainment industry.

Maybe PETA needs to make their own flying elephant movie the way they want to see it done, and leave the classics be.

Dodge This!

This week in a stunningly PC move, the Windham, New Hampshire school board voted 4 to 1 to outlaw dodge ball and other "human target games (?)" from their district because they lead to bullying.

School superintendent Dr. Henry LaBranche stated, "Here we have games where we use children as targets. That seems to be counter to what we are trying to accomplish with our anti-bullying campaign."

Wise words indeed from an even wiser man. 

Superintendent LaBranche made his announcement during an assembly in the school auditorium. Immediately afterward students struggled to hoist themselves from their chairs and slowly traverse the fifty feet back to their EnviroPods. Many of the students had to stop halfway through the harrowing journey, breathing heavily and clutching at the walls to regain their strength. Others were helped across the room by nearby aides.

Eventually the students made it back to warmth and safety of their sterile EnviroPods. They gently lowered their frail, doughy bodies into the waiting bosom of the Pods' padded interiors. The hatches to the Pods hissed slightly as they hermetically sealed the students inside, protecting them from any potentially harmful bacteria, allergens or outside stimuli. 

Once safely cocooned inside the Pods, the students then hooked themselves up to their computers and resumed their carefully-worded, non-offensive lessons, which were designed to instruct without providing any upsetting or objectionable thoughts. Soothing music and calming tranquilizers wafted through the filtered air inside the Pods as the students spent the remainder of the school day in blissful, non-confrontational comfort.