It Came From The Cineplex: King Arthur: Legend Of The Sword

Apparently May of 2017 was Charlie Hunnam Month at the cineplex, as he starred in two major films at the same time (this one and The Lost City Of Z). Unfortunately for him, both turned out to be huge box office flops. So what went wrong? Was it a case of bad timing? Bad scripts? Or do people just really, really not care for Charlie Hunnam?

King Arthur: Legend Of The Sword was written by Joby Harold, Lionel Wigram and Guy Ritchie. It was directed by Guy Ritchie.

Harold is primarily a producer, whose sole previous screenwriting credit was Awake. Wigram is also a prolific producer, who previously wrote Sherlock Holmes and The Man From U.N.C.L.E.

Ritchie is a prolific writer, producer and director. He previously wrote AND directed Lock, Stock And Two Smoking Barrels, Snatch, Swept Away, Revolver, RocknRolla and The Man From U.N.C.L.E. He directed Sherlock Holmes and Sherlock Holmes: A Game Of Shadows.

Guy Ritchie also took one for the team and was married to Madonna from 2000 until 2008. I guess someone had to do it...

Note that David Dobkin also receives "story credit" on the film. Um... Shouldn't that go to Geoffrey Of Monmouth, who wrote the original Arthurian legends back in 1130?

This is Hollywood's first Arthurian film since Antoine Fuqua's similarly revisionist King Arthur in 2004, which starred Clive Owen and Keira Knightley.

At first glance, Guy Ritchie might seem like an odd choice to helm this film. But hey, his gritty and grounded style-over-substance approach worked for the Sherlock Holmes movies, so it oughta be perfect for King Arthur as well, right? RIGHT?

Wrong.

Ritchie's take on the material adds absolutely nothing to the film, as he throws out virtually everything in the traditional Arthurian mythology. This will likely confuse newbies and scholars alike, as his version makes Monty Python And The Holy Grail look like a meticulously researched, historically accurate documentary. Worst of all, despite its numerous action setpieces, it's just plain dull.

If you've ever read King Arthur before and thought, "Eh, this is OK, but there just aren't enough gigantic CGI fantasy monsters in it, and I wish the main character was a lovable thug with a morally grey code of ethics," then this is the movie for you!

This is definitely not your father's King Arthur, laws no. No longer is he a noble and selfless knight. This Arthur's a streetwise con-man and pimp (seriously!), who enjoys nothing more than a good brawl, couldn't care less about saving the world and wields the Medieval equivalent of a lightsaber (also seriously!). Same goes for the Knights Of The Round Table, who've been transformed into a motley crew of low-level criminals who engage in witty banter with their leader.

Wondering why Merlin, Guinevere, Lancelot, Galahad and the Holy Grail don't show up in this film? Me too. According to the producers, this is supposedly the first of a planned six part King Arthur franchise. They're just setting up Arthur's origin here, and the other characters are scheduled to show up in future installments.

Sorry, but... no. King Arthur 2: Knights Unite or whatever they planned to call it ain't gonna happen. The initial film is a major flop, which will no doubt force Warner Bros. to cancel any and all intentions of a followup.

Why do studios keep making these grandiose franchise plans before the first film premieres and proves itself a success? Lionsgate did the same thing a couple months ago with their dark, gritty Power Rangers reboot. They too had a six film series all mapped out, only to have those hopes and dreams dashed when the first film crashed and burned upon release.

Wouldn't it make infinitely more sense to release one film, see how that does, and then start planning your franchise? Seems like it'd be much less risky, and there'd be a lot less snickering behind the producers' backs.

So far King Arthur: Legend Of The Sword is tanking violently at the box office, grossing a very anemic $37 million here in the States, for a total of $130 million worldwide. That sounds like a lot of dough until you weigh it against the film's MASSIVE $175 million budget. 

Due to marketing and other hidden costs, movies need to make about twice their production budget just to break even. That means King Arthur: Legend Of The Sword will need to gross $350 million before it can start turning a profit. There's no way in hell it'll ever get close to that amount.

I have absolutely no idea why the film cost so much. Either ALL the actors pulled down enormous $20 million dollar paychecks or this was another one of those movies designed as a tax write off, ala Monster Trucks. 

Yes, King Arthur features a lot of CGI creatures and a few epic battle scenes, but on the whole it looks like a typical episode of Game Of Thrones. For the sake of comparison, virtually every scene in Guardians Of The Galaxy Vol. 2 contains some kind of special effect, and two of its main characters are total CGI creations. Yet it cost just $25 million more. 

So why did the film fail so miserably? Some industry insiders say it's because Charlie Hunnam just isn't leading man material. Others say it's because audiences don't care about King Arthur. That may all be true, but the real culprit here is timing.

The film was originally scheduled for release on July 22, 2016. For some reason, Warner Bros. then moved the release date back to February 17, 2017, and then to March 24. A few weeks later they then bumped it back one last time to May 12, 2017. As we've seen over and over, any time a movie gets delayed multiple times, it's ALWAYS a bad, bad sign. When will studios ever learn?

Supposedly Warner Bros. moved the film from March 24 to avoid competition from the new CHiPS film (!). Seriously? They really saw CHiPS as a threat? Jesus Christ! Unfortunately the May 12 release date put King Arthur firmly between the premieres of Guardians Of The Galaxy Vol. 2 on May 5 and Alien: Covenant on May 19, which may go down as one of the stupidest decisions in Hollywood history. It never stood a chance wedged between those two juggernauts!

SPOILERS FOR A MOVIE BASED ON A NINE HUNDRED YEAR OLD STORY!

The Plot:
The film begins with the evil mage Mordred attacking Camelot. He conjures up a herd of five hundred foot tall elephants from The Return Of The King and lays waste to the city. King Uther Pendragon (briefly played by Eric Bana) leads his own troops against Mordred's army. He climbs to the top of Mordred's mobile war tower and uses his sword Excalibur to slay the mage.

Uther's brother Vortigern (played by Jude Law) is also a mage, and believes he should be the rightful ruler of Camelot. He sacrifices his wife Elsa to a group of sirens in a pit below the castle, which grants him supernatural powers. He then leads a coup against his king with his personal army, called the Blacklegs.

Uther takes his wife Igraine and son Arthur to the docks, in an effort to get them to safety. Frank Frazetta's Death Dealer, er, I mean a Demon Knight then appears, killing Igraine. Arthur hides in a boat and sees the Demon Knight kill Uther. With him out of the way, Vortigern is now king.

Arthur floats safely downriver, just like Moses (hey, wrong fictional story!). He runs aground in the city of Londinium, where he's found by a prostitute named Lucy, who raises him in a brothel. Through the power of a montage, we see Arthur grow up, as his life on the streets teaches him to be a capable fighter. The now adult Arthur (played by Charlie Hunnam) eventually takes over the brothel and provides for the women who raised him (so... a pimp then?). He becomes friends with two other ruffians named Rubio and Percival.

When a group of Vikings assault Lucy, Arthur and his pals retaliate against them. This draws the attention of the Blacklegs, who claim the Vikings are under Vortigern's protection. The Blackleg Commander kills Lucy and the other prostitutes in front of Arthur, then puts him on a slave ship bound for Camelot.

Meanwhile, for some reason the sea around Vortigern's castle drains like water from a tub, revealing the sword Excalibur stuck in a stone on the ocean floor. Vortigern meets with the sirens again, saying he's still not at full power. They say it happens to all guys now and then. Just kidding, they tell him that Arthur's still alive and he'll never succeed until he kills him and claims the power of Excalibur for himself. To that end, Vortigern rounds up all the young men in his kingdom, forcing them to try to pull the sword from the stone in order to find Arthur.

The slave ship arrives, and Arthur and the other prisoners are forced to try and free the sword. Arthur steps up to the stone, and when he wraps his hands around the hilt of Excalibur he sees images of the night his father died. He easily pulls the sword from the stone and holds it aloft. It begins glowing like a lightsaber (take THAT, traditional Arthurian legend!) which causes him to pass out. He wakes in a dungeon, and receives a visit from his uncle Vortigern. He explains to Arthur who his father was, and why he was so affected by the sword.

Uther's former general Sir Bedevere (played by Dimon Hounsou) is approached by a female known only as The Mage, who says she was sent by Merlin to help Arthur.

Vortigern sentences Arthur to public execution. Just as he's about to be killed, The Mage summons a flock of hawks to attack the Blacklegs, while Bedevere and his men rescue Arthur. They take him to their hideout, where Bedevere says they need Arthur's help to defeat the evil Vortigern. Arthur says he's no hero, and passes out once again after trying to wield Excalibur. This causes the rebels to question whether Arthur's their savior or just another schlub.

Bedevere explains that Vortigern is planning on building a massive Mage Tower, and if it's completed he'll be unstoppable. He says the only thing that can stop Vortigern is Excalibur, and Arthur, being Uther's son, is the only one who can use it. Because we're only halfway through the movie, Arthur says he doesn't know how to wield the sword. The Mage suggests Arthur visit the mystical Blacklands in order to learn.

Arthur travels to the Blacklands (not to be confused with the Blacklegs) and battles lots of expensive CGI creatures. The sword causes him to have another vision of the night his parents died. The Demon Knight throws a spear at his mother, killing her. Uther battles the Knight, but is fatally wounded. He throws Excalibur into the air, and as it impales him as it comes back down. Uther turns into the stone that held Excalibur and then sinks into the sea, which I have to admit was pretty cool). Arthur wakes from the vision, determined to kill Vortigern (so he didn't want to kill him before?).

Arthur and his rebels learn that Vortigern's coming to Londinium for an important meeting, and plan to kill him there. The plan goes horribly wrong when Vortigern sends a decoy instead of appearing himself. Arthur and his men are discovered and make a run for it. Rubio's injured and tells Arthur to leave him behind. The others are eventually surrounded by Blacklegs, forcing Arthur to unleash Excalaibur. He grabs the sword with both hands, gives a mighty swing and kills them all.

Arthur and his men hide out in the city, waiting for nightfall so they can escape. Blue, Rubio's son, sneaks out to find his father. Unfortunately Blue leads Vortigern right to the injured Rubio. Vortigern tortures him to find out where Arthur's hiding. When he won't talk, Vortigern kills Rubio in front of Blue, who runs back to Arthur and the Gang.

Stung by Rubio's death and feeling he's not a leader, Arthur angrily flings Excalibur into the sea. He walks through the woods moping, and is pulled into a pond by the Lady Of The Lake. She shows him what'll happen if Vortigern isn't defeated, and basically kicks him in the ass and tells him to wrap up the plot.

Arthur returns with a renewed purpose, and rounds up Bedevere, George and Percival. They return to their hideout and find out that the Blacklegs have killed the rest of the Gang, and captured both Blue and The Mage (she couldn't defend herself against normal human soldiers?). Vortigern's ally Greybeard the Viking tells Arthur to surrender, or Blue and The Mage will die.

Arthur goes to Vortigern's castle and turns himself in. Vortigern releases The Mage, who conjures up a giant snake that kills all the Blacklegs. Arthur's rebels enter and free all of Vortigern's prisoners and wipe out the remaining Blacklegs.

Vortigern needs more power, so he sacrifices his daughter Catia to the sirens. He's instantly transformed into the Demon Knight again. He and Arthur then have an epic duel. Arthur's eventually overwhelmed, and sees the vision of his parents' death again. Uther throws Excalibur into the air, but before it hits him, Arthur grabs it. Uther tells his son it's high time he wielded the sword. Arthur then tells Vortigern that his actions engineered his own demise, and stabs him. He leaves Vortigern for dead (?) as Sauron's Barad-Dur, er, I mean the Mage Tower collapses on top of him.

Cut to Arthur knighting Bedevere and the rest of his Gang. They see he's been busy building something... a round object that looks like a table. Arthur's then crowned the new king, and holds Excalibur high into the air as the crowd cheers him.

Thoughts:
• Even if I hadn't seen his name in the opening credits, I'd have instantly recognized this as a Guy Ritchie film. You can spot his signature style a mile away. All his old favorite tics and flourishes are in full display in King Arthur, like he was checking items off a list. Here are just a few of them:

An Innovative Title Sequence
Check!

Rapid-Fire Dialogue Peppered With Nearly Impenetrable Slang
Check and Check! Somehow I doubt the real King Arthur (if he existed) had a Geordie accent.

Flashbacks Filled With Super-Fast Cuts And A Voiceover That Explains Plot Points
Check! There are at least two of these in the film.

Shirtless, Barefisted Boxing Match For No Good Reason
Check! Heck, there was even one of these in Sherlock Holmes! SHERLOCK HOLMES!

"Speed Up, Slow Down" Fight Scenes
Check! I lost count of how many times this technique's used (or should I say "overused") in the film. OK, this trope was innovative when it first appeared back in 300, but it looks reeeeeally dated today.

Fast-Paced, On-Foot Chase Scene Shot In Extreme Closeup
Check! The one in King Arthur is particularly noteworthy, as it looks like the camera was somehow attached to the running actors.

And those are just the Richie-esque trademarks I spotted. I'm sure there are more that I missed.

• The opening battle scene features an attack by gigantic, five hundred foot tall war elephants that dwarf the Mumakil in The Return of The King. Not something I remember from traditional Arthurian legend, but hey, whatever it takes to spice up this snoozefest.

Just like the Mumakil, these elephants had wooden platforms built onto their backs, filled with soldiers. Some of them also had what looked like enormous "wrecking balls" chained to their long trunks. 

At one point one of the elephants is startled by an attack, causing it to raise its trunk high above its head. Unfortunately the wrecking ball on the end of its trunk then zooms wildly through the air, smashing the hut on its back and sending the soldiers flying.

That... that seems like a pretty big design flaw to me!

• At first I assumed that the female Mage character was supposed to be a gender-flipped version of Merlin, but no. She's actually listed in the credits as "The Mage." No doubt the studio planned to bring in the real Merlin in a later film.

There's actually a Merlin listed way, way down in the credits. I honestly don't remember seeing him in the film, but I think he might have briefly appeared in the lengthy expository prologue.

• I've been reading King Arthur stories since I was a kid, so I'm reasonably familiar with the mythology. That said, I've never heard of "Vortigern" before, and assumed Ritchie made him up. Nope! Turns out Vortigern is in some versions of the story, but he's a very minor character.

• Earlier I compared the movie's look to Game Of Thrones. It also features at least one actor from the series— Aidan Gillen, aka Littlefinger, who plays Arthur's pal Bill here.

This shouldn't be a surprise, since as we all know there are only about twenty five actors in all of England. It's only natural for the same ones to continually pop up over and over in films.

• Dimon Hounsou plays Bedevere in the film. Has he ever starred in a film set in the present day? Seems like every time I see him he's either in a period piece or a futuristic sci-fi adventure.

The only contemporary film I think I've ever seen him in was Guardians Of The Galaxy, which, despite its look, was actually set in the present. He was some kind of alien cyborg in that film though, so it probably shouldn't count. I can't remember ever seeing him play a present day suburban dad or anything like that.

• Mikael Persbrandt, who played Beorn in The Hobbit films, plays Greybeard the Viking here. He's hidden behind a long beard (hence his character's name), but I recognized his voice immediately.

• One of the most famous moments in all of Arthurian legend is the scene in which he pulls the Sword From The Stone. Everyone's familiar with that bit, even people who've never read a King Arthur story in their lives.

Apparently Guy Ritchie doesn't think it's that big a deal though, as he completely botches this all-important moment. He films it in the dullest and most pedestrian way possible, as Charlie Hunnam pulls Excalibur out of the rock with all the gravitas of a old man trying to open a stuck dresser drawer.

Even worse, this momentous scene is totally overshadowed by a distracting and puzzling cameo by soccer star David Beckham (?), who plays one of Vortigern's henchmen named "Trigger."

In fact, Beckham's featured just as prominently in the scene as Hunnam is. Here's the way it plays out onscreen: 

(Arthur shoves his way through the crowd and up to the Stone)
Arthur: "Where do you want me?"
Trigger: "Bouncing on my knee, where do you think I want you? Hands on the hilt, stupid!"
(Arthur grabs the Sword with one hand and gives an anemic tug, but it won't budge)
Trigger: "Oi, both hands!"
(Arthur then grabs the Sword with both hands and nonchalantly pulls it out of the Stone with zero resistance)

Beautiful! It's like visual poetry!

Note that Ritchie must have a thing for David Beckham, as he gave him a small part in his previous film, The Man From UNCLE.

• In most versions of Arthurian legend, Excalibur doesn't really have many actual powers. It's said to give off an intense light— "as bright as thirty torches"— that could blind enemies, but that's about it.

Oddly enough, Excalibur's scabbard seemed to be more powerful than the sword itself. The scabbard had the power to protect the wearer from injury and blood loss.

Naturally in this film Excalibur's powers are ramped up to eleven. When Arthur holds it in one hand, it acts like a normal sword. But if he grips it with both hands, suddenly it glows like a lightsaber. It slices through anything, can knock opponents a hundred feet in the air and even slow down time itself!

• For hundreds of years historians have argued as to whether Arthur was a real person or not. Even if he was, story elements such as Merlin, Excalibur, Camelot and the Knights Of The Round Table are most definitely fictional. So historical inaccuracy in Arthurian legend doesn't bother me much.

That said, a couple things jumped out at me in this film.

At the beginning of the film, young Arthur floats down a river to the city of Londinium, the prototype for modern day London. Londinium was a real settlement in England, founded around 43 AD. Unfortunately by the time Arthur was supposed to have lived, it was virtually destroyed and uninhabited after being raided by Saxons.

In the movie, Vortigern lives in an enormous castle. Eh, no. Castles didn't appear in Britain until about five hundred years after Arthur's era.

Shiny metal armor didn't exist in Arthur's time either.

This is clearly a fantasy movie though, so eh... I'm willing to overlook these issues.

• The end credits list Kieran Belshaw, Max Berman, Rob Bliss, Christopher Brandstrom and several dozen others as Concept Artists.

They forgot the most important name of all— the late Frank Frazetta! The Demon Knight in the film is DEFINITELY inspired by Frazetts's Death Dealer painting, and there's no way anyone will ever be able to convince me otherwise.

Here's a shot of the Demon Knight from the trailer...

And a closeup of his helmet.

And here's Frazetta's Death Dealer. The Demon Knight is the exact same goddamned design! They even gave him the same turned-down horns! And he carries an axe just like the one in the painting!

Someone owes the Frazetta estate a big fat royalty check, and I think it's Warner Bros.!

King Arthur: Legend Of The Sword is a dull retelling of the Arthurian legend that short on substance but long on director Guy Ritchie's signature idiosyncrasies. Worst of all, it takes the Arthur character and turns him from a noble, honorable knight into a brawling, streetwise thug. Inexplicably filling the screen with CGI monsters to turn the film into The Lord Of The Rings doesn't help either. The movie was meant as the first of a six part Arthurian franchise that's never going to happen. Skip it and go watch the vastly superior 1981 Excalibur instead. I give it a C.

Legends Of Tomorrow Season 2, Episode 12: Camelot/3000

This week Legends Of Tomorrow delivers a fair to middling episode, which as you might guess from the title, is set in the world of King Arthur and Camelot.

Way back in 1982, DC Comics published a miniseries called Camelot 3000, which was obviously the inspiration for this week's episode. The comic concerns the real King Arthur and his Knights Of The Round Table, as they're reincarnated in the year 3000 to fight an alien horde that's invading Earth. It's a pretty good read, and I highly recommend it for Brian Bolland's artwork alone.

Fans of Camelot 3000 shouldn't get their hopes up though, as this episode has absolutely nothing to do with the comic. Too bad.

By the way, look at the cover price of that comic above. One dollar! Yikes! Last time I checked, some comics are up to $4 now! No wonder they're dying off. I have a full time job and can't afford them. How's a kid supposed to?

Obviously I enjoy the various Arrowverse shows quite a bit, since I write about them every week. That said, I don't think I've ever been as aware of a TV series' budget as I am whenever I'm watching one of these shows. That's definitely true this week on Legends Of Tomorrow. They try desperately to deliver Game Of Thrones production values here, but alas, they just don't have the cash to pull that off. Once again, their ideas are just too big for their budget. Somehow that adds to the charm of the show.

Speaking of the budget, apparently there just wasn't enough money this week to include Malcolm Merlyn and the Reverse Flash, who curiously enough sit out the episode.That's a shame, as the writers missed a golden opportunity to have Merlyn meet Merlin!

Lastly, I'm very disappointed there wasn't at least one Monty Python reference in this episode.

SPOILERS!

The Plot:
We open in Detroit, in the year 3000. Evil Rip pays a visit to man named Charles. who's working in a high tech lab. Charles (whose last name was McNider in the comics) is secretly Doctor Mid-Nite, a former member of the Justice Society Of America. Evil Rip notices that Charles is working on a piece of tech that can suppress or amplify violent thoughts. Convenient! 

Evil Rip then says he's there for the piece of the Spear Of Destiny that Charles is protecting. He tells Rip he'll never find it. Evil Rip realizes that Charles has hidden it inside his body, and brandishes a knife. Yikes!

On the Waverider, Gideon tracks a Spear fragment to the year 3000. The Legends fly there, and find Charles' body, with the name "RIP" written on the floor in his own blood. Now THAT'S hardcore! Back on the ship, Gideon reports that she's detected another piece of the Spear in medieval England. The Legends then head for the past.

Atom and Steel suit up in appropriate period clothing. Atom's excited because he's been a fan of King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table since he was a kid. Steel points that the stories of Camelot are just that— myth and legend, and real medieval England will be nothing like that.

Meanwhile, Heat Wave catches Professor Stein examining a piece of tech, and asks where he got it. Stein sheepishly admits he stole it from Doctor Mid-Nite's lab. Heat Wave is impressed.

The Waverider arrives on the island of Britannia in 507 AD. White Canary, Vixen, Steel and Atom exit, and make their way through a forest. Suddenly they're captured by a group of knights led by none other than Queen Guinevere, who takes them to Camelot.

There they meet the honest-to-god King Arthur, who's sitting at the Round Table. Atom is suitably impressed, as he's living out his dream. Steel is baffled, as none of this should exist. Arthur summons his wizard Merlin, who turns out to be— Stargirl, of the Justice Society.

The Legends take Stargirl back to the Waverider. There she explains that years ago, Rip Hunter asked them to help him track down the Spear Of Destiny. The eventually found it, and the decision was made to split it into four pieces and scatter them across history, to keep anyone else from ever finding and assembling it. 

Doctor Mid-Nite took his piece of the Spear to the year 3000, while Stargirl took hers to medieval England. She then decided to play around with history a bit, and form the Knights Of The Round Table in order to protect her hunk of the Spear. She says the Spear fragment is well hidden, somewhere in Arthur's court. Gosh, I wonder where she could have possibly hidden it, as we see the camera slowly pan across Excalibur sticking out of a rock.

Later King Arthur goes on a hunt, and is confronted by a Black Knight. The Knight turns out to be Damien Darhk, who says he has great plans for the King. 

Meanwhile, Guinevere invites the Legends to a party at Camelot. Arthur returns with the Black Knight. Arthur grabs Stargirl and holds a knife to her throat, as Darhk reveals himself. He tells the Legends that he's using Doctor Mid-Nite's tech to mind-control Arthur, and demands to know where the Spear fragment is. Stargirl says she'll never tell, and the Legends attack Darhk. 

During the fight, Arthur, who's under Darhk's control, kills Sir Galahad and then puts a knife to his own throat. For some reason, Darhk then leaves, saying he'll return with a mind-controlled army and kill them all if they don't hand over the Spear fragment.

Stein examines the piece of tech he stole, which turns out the be the same mind control device Evil Rip and Darhk are using. Stein says the device requires an abnormally advanced mind to control another person. Jackson suggests the device might operate on intensity, not I.Q. They put a headset on Heat Wave, and his brutal, intense mind is instantly able to overpower and control Stein's precise, ordered brain.

Meanwhile, Guinevere doubts her abilities, saying she doesn't want to lead her knights into battle with Darhk. Canary gives her a Patented The CW Pep Talk™, telling her she'll be great. Guinevere then gives her army a rousing speech and they ride off to battle. Atom follows, intent on joining the fight as well. Steel asks him if that's a good idea, and Atom says it's something he's dreamed of doing since he was a little boy. Steel looks worried, as his Big Book Of King Arthur contains a drawing of a knight being buried after a battle, and he looks amazingly like Atom.

Since Stargirl refuses to say where her Spear fragment is hidden, Canary and Vixen decide to take it themselves for safe keeping. Using a tracker, they discover it's hidden inside Excalibur (GASP!), and Vixen uses her powers to pull the sword from the stone. She snaps the end off of Excalibur, revealing the tip of the Spear Of Destiny.

Meanwhile, Atom takes the late Galahad's sword, using the power from his suit to turn it into a light saber. Steel tries again to talk Atom out of fighting, since now that they have the Spear fragment, there's no point in staying. He even tells Atom he saw his death in the book. Atom says he doesn't care, as he's staying and is ready to die for Camelot. Guinevere even knights Atom, as Sir Ray Of The Palms (aka Ray Palmer).

Back on the Waverider, Canary's ready to get the hell out of Camelot. Steel says they can't leave Atom behind, but Canary says he made his choice, and getting the Spear fragment away from the Legion is more important (I agree!). The rest of the crew disagrees, and comes perilously close to mutiny as they all tell Canary she's wrong. She finally agrees to stay and help Guinevere fight Darhk and his mind-controlled army.

Guinevere's army attacks Darhk. There's a fierce, low-budget battle, and eventually Vixen, Canary and Steel join in. Stein places the headset on Heat Wave, and tunes it in to Darhk's army's mind-control frequency. Heat Wave unleashes his intense, dark thoughts on the army, which incapacitates them (!). 

Arthur wakes up, back to his normal self. He attacks Evil Rip, throwing him off his horse and injuring him. Darhk tells Evil Rip he "doesn't do rescues" and abandons him. Canary captures Evil Rip.

Atom pursues Darhk, and the two fight. Amazingly, Atom does a pretty good job against Darhk, who's a several hundred year old assassin. Eventually Darhk pretends to surrender to trick Atom into lowering his guard, and shoots him with an anachronistic gun. He then runs off.

Steel finds Atom, thinking he's dead. Atom wakes up, revealing he somehow had his power suit on underneath all his armor (?), and is OK. 

Back at Camelot, Arthur gives Canary the Spear fragment with his best wishes. Stargirl reveals she's in love with Arthur and is staying. Canary plants a big kiss on Guinevere and says goodbye. Steel looks at his book, and sees it's changed, as it now contains a drawing of Guinevere placing a crown on Atom's head (?).

Cut to Evil Rip in the Waverider's brig. He summons Gideon and she responds, "I'm here, Captain."

Thoughts: 
• I think Steel does the opening narration this week. It's hard to tell though, as he sounds a LOT like Atom. I'm fairly sure it's him though. Unless it's not.

• For a few seconds I thought we were gonna get a Star Trek: The Next Generation reference in this episode. 

When we first see the formerly blind Doctor Mid-Nite, he's wearing a device over his eyes not unlike Geordi La Forge's VISOR. Then Evil Rip says, "I see you found a way to cure your blindness," as Mid-Nite removes the VISOR and we see his eyes are working normally. Oh well. They were so close...

• I loved how all of Steel's historical knowledge of the period turned out to be consistently wrong. Especially the part where he said his outfit was historically accurate, only to be mistaken for a leper by Guinevere.

• We get a Lord Of The Rings moment when Guinevere removes her helmet and her flowing locks cascade down her back. Any second I expected her to say, "I am no MAN!"

• Historical scholars can't agree on whether King Arthur was a real person or not. Some believe the myths and legends are based on an actual military leader in the 6th century. Most believe he's a completely fictional character.

Even if he was real, it's a given that Camelot, the Knights Of The Round Table and especially Merlin were not. So how do we explain this episode then? How the hell are the Legends able to visit the world of King Arthur if it never existed?

The writers make a faint attempt at explaining this by having Stargirl state, "When I arrived in Camelot, it was a middling kingdom. To help me protect my piece of the Spear, I fashioned it into the legendary court of King Arthur and his Knights of the Round Table."

Hmm. She fashioned it. What the hell does that mean? Did she find a small village on the island of Britannia in 507 AD, and use her cosmic staff to brainwash the inhabitants into thinking they're the Arthurian characters of legend? Or did she find the island and use her staff to create Camelot and the Knights Of The Round Table out of whole cloth, like a god?

If she brainwashed the existing inhabitants for her own pleasure, that's a pretty despicable act, making her as much a villain as Darhk. If she was somehow able to conjure up an entire castle full of living Arthurian characters, then she's far more powerful than the Spear Of Destiny, and the Legends should be more worried about her and what she's capable of than the Legion Of Doom!

We never really get an answer here, as the writers (wisely) blur over the matter of creation, hoping the audience won't think too hard about it.

By the way, according to the official Arrowverse Wiki, Stargirl "has the power to shoot fiery blue energy out of her staff, although it's unknown if this energy is magical or technological in nature. She's also able to levitate and fly with the use of her staff."

Note that nowhere does it say she's has the freakin' ability to magically create life!

• The idea of Stargirl posing as Merlin the Magician might have been more fun if the show had A: Spent more than ten seconds on the idea, and B: Hired someone who could actually act.

Seriously, Sarah Grey, who plays Stargirl, is one of the worst actresses I've ever seen on a network TV series. Heck, I've seen more convincing performances in high school plays! Is the talent pool in Vancouver (where the series is filmed) really that shallow?

• Think about all the hundreds— make that thousands of different books about King Arthur that have been published over the centuries. What are the odds that Steel would just happen to own the one version that contains an illuminated manuscript of Atom being given a warrior's funeral? 

Besides, as crude as that drawing is, it could be literally anyone!

• In order to pull Excalibur from the stone, Vixen summons the power of a gorilla, an eagle and a bear. I'm pretty sure this is the first time we've seen her use more than one power at the same time.

OK, I get why she needed the strength of a gorilla and a bear here, but what the hell was the eagle good for? Did its power of flight somehow help her lift the sword from the stone?

• I've got nothing to say here, I just wanted to include a photo of Atom's light saber, er, I mean flaming sword.

• This week the Legends pretty much mutiny against their Captain, when Canary wants to leave but the rest of the crew wants to stay and rescue Atom. If she intends to stay captain for long, she needs to shut that sh*t down fast. 

It doesn't matter if you agree with an order or not— a Captain's command is law. Canary should have locked them ALL in the brig just to make her point.

• Vixen needs to figure out exactly how she feels about the possibility of the Legion Of Doom acquiring the Spear Of Destiny. 

When Vixen decides to steal the Spear fragment from Stargirl, Canary asks her, "You sure this is the way you wanna do it? Stargirl was your teammate, not to mention your friend." Vixen replies, "The Legion of Doom are closing in on us as we speak. There's no time for sentiment. Do you really wanna chance Damien Darhk having the power to rewrite reality?"

Later the crew's ready to mutiny against Canary because she doesn't want to jeopardize the mission to save Atom (which makes sense). Vixen then says, "I've already lost one team. I'll be damned if my decision rips the Legends apart too." Canary says, "What are you saying?" Vixen says, "Listen to your gut, Captain. Don't abandon Ray. It may be sentimental, but the team should come before tactics."

Um... those are completely opposing viewpoints. I guess she's entitled to change her mind, but these people are trying to prevent a group of psychos from getting hold of a weapon that can literally rewrite reality. They need to accept the fact that it might be necessary to sacrifice a team member for the good of the universe.

• How the holy hell was Atom able to hold his own in a sword fight against Darhk for more than five seconds? Darhk is supposedly hundreds of years old, plus he was trained by the League Of Assassins. Yet somehow Atom, who's never even held a sword in his life, somehow isn't instantly killed by him.

Yes, Atom did have an electrified light saber, but still...

• I have absolutely no problem with Canary's sexual orientation. Really, I don't! That said, is she going to put the moves on EVERY confident, self-reliant woman from history that she meets? Isn't it a bit insulting to imply that every strong, independent, "I Don't Need No Man In Order To Live My Life" type of woman throughout history was automatically a lesbian?

• I'm hoping that when the Legion Of Doom inevitably collects all the pieces of the Spear Of Destiny, that it'll magically fuse itself back together. I'd hate to see them have to wrap it up with duct tape.

• The Legends capture Evil Rip and throw him in the brig on the Waverider, hoping they can somehow restore his mind in a future episode. Too bad no one thought to restrict his access to Gideon before locking him up. At the end of the episode he simply calls to Gideon, and she obediently answers, which can't possibly be good...

• This week's best lines:

Heat Wave: (sensing Stein stole something) "Thieves. They have a certain smell."
Stein: "I thought that was just because you didn't bathe."

Steel: "The Medieval world was a time of turmoil. It was the collapse of Rome, which led to the collapse of civilization itself. And don't even get me started on the health and sanitation."
Vixen: "Yeah, please don't."
Steel: "Cholera, diphtheria, uh, typhoid fever, and I'm not even touching skin diseases."

Guinevere: (to the Legends) "I am Guinevere. We shall escort you to Camelot. But your leper must remain outside the castle walls."
Steel: "I'm not a leper!"

Canary: "From what I see, Camelot lives up to its reputation. Where is the good king?"
Guinevere: "On the hunt. No doubt chasing a boar through the brush as we speak."
(From Guinevere's dismissive tone, I wonder if this was a subtle Game Of Thrones reference? In Season 1, Queen Cersei was always complaining about King Robert going out on boar hunts...)

Atom: (to Galahad) "Apologies, you must get this all the time, but I must tell you, I am a really big fan."
Galahad: "A fan. So you make wind?"
Atom: "No, no, no, no, no, um... Well, I mean, maybe after all this food. No, what I mean is I'm a... I'm a big admirer of yours."
Galahad: "You've heard tale of my exploits?"
Atom: "Yes! Yes! Since I was a wee lad."
(Galahad gives him an odd look, as they're the same age)
Atom: "It's hard to explain."
(this episode will go down in history as the one that brought the fart joke to the Arrowverse)

Damien Darhk: "The king has left the building! You don't get the reference? Ugh, pity."

Darhk: (to King Arthur) "Hey, Sir Drools-A-Lot, prepare the rest of your tin men to get ready to march."
Steel: (seeing Atom's makeshift light saber) "Please tell me that's not Galahad's sword."

Atom: "I know, it's not historically accurate, but I couldn't resist."

King Arthur: "It's like a saber made of light."

Atom: "Yeah. Uh, just don't call it a light saber. Major trademark issues, right?"

Stein: "I have more patents than Mr. Rory has felonies, and that's saying something."

Darhk: "Give it up, Raymond. You're a glorified nerd, not a knight.:

Atom: "I'm Sir Raymond of the Palms, and on behalf of my 12-year-old self, allow me to retort!"

Stein: "Surely you must admit that it's not a superior intelligence, but rather the murky depths of your mind that proved vital." 

Heat Wave: "Just admit it, my brain saved the day."

Stein: "I will admit nothing of the sort."