The Asylum Does It Again: Ape Vs Monster

Welp, this is apparently a thing. Seems oddly familiar somehow. 

As you've probably guessed, this cinematic opus is from our old friends at The Asylum— purveyors of low budget, hastily-produced "mockbusters." 

They're a little late here though. The whole point of a mockbuster is for it to come out BEFORE the film it's aping (no pun intended), in order to benefit from the buzz surrounding the actual movie.

Ape Vs Monster came out almost a full month AFTER Godzilla Vs. Kong, which kind of defeats its purpose. Ah well, no matter. It's here now, in all its terrible glory. I knew The Asylum wouldn't let us down!

Now the question is: Does this version make any more sense than the real one?

Oh Asylum, You've Done It Again!

Here's the poster for the latest epic from The Asylum studio. I can't quite put my finger on it, but something about it seems familiar somehow...

The Asylum is the world leader in the production of "Mockbusters"-- fast and cheaply made straight-to-DVD knockoffs, usually based on the trailers of upcoming big budget films. They're released a few days before their namesakes in the hope they'll be bought by confused and befuddled consumers who think they're getting the real thing. 

Their business model must be working, as they've been around since 1997. Somebody out there must be buying these things. The budgets for their opuses (opi?) are reportedly "well under a million dollars and they claim they've never lost money on a picture.

I wonder what it must be like working at The Asylum? I imagine it's probably something like this:

Asylum Director: OK, let's start the production meeting. Jenkins, what's coming to the theaters in the next six months?

Jenkins: Well, there's Iron Man 3. And the new Star Trek movie. 

Director: Feh, the public's too familiar with those properties. We need something they haven't seen before.

Jenkins: Heh. This is Hollywood, Chief! The land of remakes and reboots. There's nothing out there they haven't seen before.

Director: Leave the jokes to me, Jenkins. What else you got?

Jenkins: Well... there is an upcoming picture called Pacific Rim.

Director: Woah, sounds kinky. What's it about?

Jenkins: It appears to be a slick-looking big budget Godzilla movie. Guys in big robot suits fighting giant kaiju.

Director: What the hell's a kaiju? Sounds like my Uncle Morty!

Jenkins: Kaiju means "strange beast." They're giant monsters.

Director: So why didn't you say so? Giant robots fighting giant monsters, eh? I like it. It's got everything we need-- people in robot suits and giant monsters! Giant everything. The bigger the better! Let's get rolling on this. I want a completed script by this Friday and we start filming on Monday. We'll wrap up filming four weeks from today!

Jenkins (rising from chair): Yes sir!

Director: Hold it, hold it! Not so fast! We forgot the title. We need a title... let's see.... Pacific Rim. Hmm.... Pacific., Pacific... hmm....

Jenkins: How about... Atlantic Rim?

Director: That's it! Jenkins, you're a genius! Now let's knock off for lunch!

This Can't Be Good...

This week a fisherman in the Florida Keys caught a bull shark with a surprise inside: a live shark fetus with 2, count 'em two heads.

According to the Journal Of Fish Biology, which is something that apparently really exists, this is one of only six instances of axial bifurcation, or two headedness, ever recorded in sharks.

A spokesman for the Journal says the double-noggined shark likely wouldn't have survived long in the wild because it wouldn't be able to swim fast enough to catch its swiftly moving prey. He apparently failed to take into account that what a two-headed shark might lack in speed, it more than makes up for in sheer pants-crapping terror.

You know the world's in trouble when Asylum Studio's movies start coming true.

You Can't Make Up Stuff Like This

Above is just a taste of the recent output from The Asylum, one of the greatest film studios of our time. The Asylum generally specializes in making quick knockoffs of current blockbusters, but as you can see they have a definite soft spot for films featuring sharks and other denizens of the deep.

I'm both horrified and delighted that I live in a dimension in which it's possible to rent a film called 2-Headed Shark Attack.

I had planned on writing a blog post one of these days that spoofed their outrageous, start-with-the-title-first output. I was going to try to come up with fake posters like Grizzly Shark, Sharkerine and Sharkano, but I quickly realized that The Asylum's real life output was far more ridiculous than anything I could ever hope to come up with.

Case in point:

Behold Sharknado, The Asylum's latest opus. It's a tornado, filled with sharks. Hence the title. 

You win, Asylum. I bow to your superior ability to come up with ridiculous titles.