It Came From The Cineplex: The Fate Of The Furious

The Fate Of The Furious was written by Chris Morgan and Gary Scott Thompson, and directed by F. Gary Gray.

Morgan is no stranger to the series, as he previously wrote The Fast And The Furious: Tokyo Drift, and co-wrote Fast & Furious, Fast Five, Fast & Furious 6 and Furious 7. He also wrote Cellular, Wanted, 47 Ronin and The Vatican Tapes. Looks like he'd be better off sticking with the Fast & Furious franchise.

Thompson is also heavily involved in the franchise, as he previously wrote The Fast And The Furious, 2 Fast 2 Furious, and co-wrote Fast & Furious, Fast Five, Fast & Furious 6 and Furious 7. He also wrote The Underachievers, White Ghost, Split Second, K-911, Hollow Man, Timecop 2: The Berlin Decision, Hollow Man 2 and 88 Minutes. I've never even heard of ninety percent of those. Sounds like he'd be better off sticking with the Fast & Furious films as well.

Gray previously directed Friday, Set It Off, The Negotiator, A Man Apart, The Italian Job (ah... now I understand why Charlize Theron is in The Fate Of The Furious), Be Cool, Law Abiding Citizen and Straight Outta Compton.

In my review of Furious 7, I said it was interesting that the franchise began as a small-stakes movie about California street racing culture. Somehow along the way it's evolved into a series about indestructible superheroes, who speed around in cars that effortlessly defy the laws of physics. It's like a live-action cartoon at this point. In fact it reminds me a lot of M.A.S.K., the 1980s cartoon about a task force of crime fighters with transforming cars, who battled the evil criminal organization V.E.N.O.M.

In fact I have a theory that the screenwriters watched a child sitting on the floor playing with his Hot Wheels cars, and took careful notes in order to come up with this script.

And you know what? I'm fine with that! I'm a big fan of dumb, loud action movies, and this is one of the dumbest and loudest I've seen in quite a while. Turning it from its street racing roots into a series of superheroes fighting over-the-top Bond villains has kept the franchise fresh, and is no doubt why were up to movie #8.

As I said back when I reviewed Furious 7, I've only seen three of the previous films— the first two, and the seventh. So a lot of the references and callbacks were lost on me, especially the reveal of the reason for Dom's betrayal of his "Family."

This is the second Fast & Furious movie without the late Paul Walker, and the first since his untimely death in 2013. Does this new film suffer from his absence? With all due respect to Walker, not a bit. Dwayne Johnson and his larger-than-life charisma is more than able to fill the Walker-shaped hole in the cast. 

Jason Statham is no slouch either, and his chemistry with Johnson is one of the highlights of the film. In fact the two of them completely overshadow Vin Diesel, who's the ostensible star of the franchise. After the first act he's shoved completely to the side, becoming little more than a guest star in his own film.

In fact Universal Studios just announced plans for the first ever Fast & Furious spinoff movie, starring Johnson and Statham!

Supposedly there was some kind of tension or feud between stars Vin Diesel and Dwayne Johnson during filming. Some say it was all just a publicity stunt, while others swear it was real. Either way, I'm not even gonna get into it here. They both have dream jobs that pay more money than the average person will ever see in his lifetime. Maybe they should quit acting like five year olds and try being adults for a change.

Earlier this year I reviewed xXx: Return Of Xander Cage. It featured a highly diverse cast of superhumans performing physically impossible stunts as they traveled the world in search of a high tech McGuffin. Compare that to The Fate Of The Furious, which features a highly diverse cast of superhumans performing physically impossible stunts as they traveled the world in search of a high tech McGuffin. 

They're the same goddamned movie! At this point there is absolutely no difference between the two franchises, other than the character names and cast. In fact I'm ninety percent convinced that Vin Diesel just took a rejected Fast & Furious script and used it to make Return Of Xander Cage.

Last month Ghost In The Shell, starring extremely white actress Scarlett Johansson as Major, a role many moviegoers believe is an Asian character. Predictably, the internet lost its collective mind, as terrabytes of bandwidth was wasted arguing over the film's "whitewashing."

Meanwhile, The Fate Of The Furious features an incredibly diverse cast of actors. Blacks, whites and Hispanics of both genders, all working together and contributing to the team. Yet I've not heard one word of praise about the casting in the film. Not a single peep. 

Apparently the Social Justice Warriors only complain when a film isn't diverse, but can't be bothered to praise one when it is. So as far as I'm concerned, the Casting Police need to shut the f*ck up. You can't boo if you're not willing to cheer, guys.

Before the movie came out, there was lots of online speculation as to what was causing Dominic Toretto to betray his "Family" this time around. Some believed he'd been some sort of double agent all along, while others were sure Dom had been replaced by a double in an effort to destroy the "Family" from within.

There was even a theory floating around saying the reason Dom was attacking his "Family" was because he'd been replaced by some sort of Terminator-like robot (!!!). Now THAT'S a movie I'd like to see!

I can certainly understand why so many people bought into the robot theory. With his stony, immobile face, Vin Diesel definitely seems like an emotionless android throughout most of the picture.

As expected, The Fate Of The Furious is kicking major ass at the world box office. Here in the States it's scraped up a surprisingly mediocre $192 million against its $250 million budget. It's grossed a whopping $870 million overseas though, pushing it past the BILLION dollar mark! Yeah, there's definitely gonna be a Part 9.

SPOILERS!

The Plot:
We begin in Cuba (now that its borders have been opened) as Dominic Toretto (played by Vin Diesel) and Letty Ortiz (played by Michelle Rodriguez) celebrate their honeymoon. Dom admires the way the Cuban people have been keeping their cars running without new parts for the past fifty years. Dom's cousin Fernando approaches him, saying his car is being towed away because he can't keep up the payments to a man named Raldo. Dom challenges Raldo to a street race (in Fernando's ancient car). If Dom wins, he gets Fernando's car PLUS Raldo's. If Raldo wins, he get's Dom's souped-up Impala, free and clear. Raldo agrees.

Dom begins knocking body panels off of Fernando's car to make it as light as possible (sure, why not). He tunes up the engine as well, and hooks up the requisite nitrous tank while he's at it. Dom and Raldo begin racing down the Cuban Mile, whatever that is. Raldo easily pulls ahead, until Dom activates the nitrous. His car then blasts off like a rocket, passing Raldo.

Unfortunately Fernando's cobbled-together car can't handle such abuse, and the engine quickly starts glowing red hot. It catches fire and the heat shatters the windshield, sending flames straight into Dom's face (luckily, he doesn't have any hair). Dom does what anyone would do in this situation— he simply spins the car around and finishes the race in reverse. Um... I don't think that's possible, but let's just go with it or we'll be here all day. Dom wins the race (backwards) and jumps out of the car just before it flies off the road into the ocean and explodes (!).

A crowd gathers as Dom and Raldo size up one another. Finally Raldo hands Dom his keys and says he has his respect. Dom gives the keys back to Raldo, saying his respect is enough (insert the first of many eye rolls here). Dom apologizes to Fernando for blowing up his old car, and offers him his Impala in return (riiiiiight).

The next day Dom and Letty relax in bed. She asks him if he's ever thought of starting a family (Foreshadowing Alert!). Later he's walking through the streets with a bag of groceries (that actually has a loaf of French bread sticking out of the top!). He sees a woman having trouble with her car, and offers to fix it. As he looks at the engine, he realizes she sabotaged it herself. The woman reveals her name is Cipher (played by Charlize Theron) and menacingly says she has a job for Dom. He scoffs until she shows him a photo on her phone. An expression almost flashes across Dom's stoic face as he stares at the photo the audience can't see.

Meanwhile, Luke Hobbs (played by Dwayne Johnson) is coaching his daughter's soccer team. He's approached by a government agent, who wants him to go to Berlin and recover an EMP device that could disrupt the power of entire cities. The Agent warns Hobbs that this mission is off the books. If he fails the government will disavow any knowledge of it, and he'll go to jail. For some reason, Hobbs agrees to the mission, but only after his daughter's team wins.

Hobbs gathers the "Family," consisting of himself, Dom, Letty, Tej (played by Ludacris), Roman (played by Tyreese Gibson) and Ramsey (played by Nathalie Emmanuel) and head to a base in Berlin. They quickly recover the EMP and hightail it out of there, chased by a number of armed goons. Taj reveals his secret weapon— a comically over-sized wrecking ball (attached to lord knows what, high overhead) that swings through the streets and demolishes the pursuing cars.

Hobbs pulls up next to Dom's car and congratulates him on another successful mission. Dom swerves into Hobb's car, causing him to crash. He then makes off with the EMP. As the police surround Hobbs and arrest him, he radios the others and tells them Dom's gone rogue. Dom then arrives at an airport, and drives his car into a large jet that does a touch and go landing. Take THAT, Laws Of Physics!

As Hobbs is taken to jail, he's approached by Government Agent Mr. Nobody (played by Kurt Russell) and his new partner, "Little Nobody" (played by Scott Eastwood, son of Clint). Mr. Nobody offers to get Hobbs out of prison if he accepts another mission. Hobbs refuses, saying he doesn't trust Nobody (heh), and will take his chances with the court system. He's locked up in the same maximum security cell as Deckard Shaw (played by Jason Statham), the man who murdered at least one member of Dom's "Family" in the previous movie. Hobbs' cell is right across from Deckard's, and they begin "comically" threatening one another.

Meanwhile, the rest of the "Family" regroups in a garage somewhere. Are they still in Berlin? Back in the States? Your guess is as good as mine, as it's often unclear just where things are happening in this movie. Anyhoo, the group is stunned by Dom's actions. Letty stands by her man, refusing to believe he would betray them (even though he just did).

Back at the prison (which I guess is in America?), Hobb's cell door opens by itself. When guards arrive to force him back in, Deckard grabs one of their batons and uses it to escape, inadvertently opening ALL the cell doors. This starts a prison riot, as Hobbs and Deckard fight off both guards and other inmates in an effort to escape. They make it out of the prison, where they're met by a smiling Mr. Nobody, who engineered the whole thing.

Mr. Nobody takes Hobbs and Deckard to his HQ, where the rest of the "Family" have already gathered. There he tells them about Cipher, a mysterious woman who's the world's most clever and dangerous hacker. He says Cipher tried to steal both the Nightshade and God's Eye McGuffins from the previous films. Nobody notes that Dom foiled both those plots, which is likely why she's targeting him.

Mr. Nobody says no one can locate Cipher, as she constantly flies around the world in a command jet. Roman suggests they use the God's Eye (the magical software program from Furious 7 that can locate anyone anywhere on Earth) to find her. They try, but get pings from all over the planet. Tej and Ramsey remove the fake signals, leaving just one— which is coming from the building they're in! The killer's in the house with you! Get out of there!

Suddenly an explosion rocks the building, stunning the whole crew. Dom and Cipher enter and steal the God's Eye. Letty sees Dom, and asks if he's really going to turn his back on "Family." Um, since he just tried to kill you all just to steal a piece of tech, I'd say yes. Yes he is. Cipher walks over and plants a wet, sloppy kiss on Dom, making sure Letty gets a good look, and the two saunter out.

Cut to Cipher's jet, where we finally get to see why Dom's working for her. She's captured Dom's old flame Elena, who apparently bore him a son he never knew about, and is holding them in a cell on her plane. Elena shows Dom his son, and explains that she gave him the middle name of Marcus. She says she wants Dom to give him an official first name (Foreshadowing Alert!). Dom is furious with Cipher, and threatens to kill her. Cipher pulls out a gun and hands it to him. She says he can shoot her if he likes, but the instant he does, her men will storm the room and kill Elena and Marcus, before killing him. He hands the gun back to her, and for some reason, hangs his crucifix over the cell door (MAJOR PLOT POINT ALERT!).

Cipher then orders Dom to New York City, where he's to steal a briefcase full of nuclear codes from a Russian Ambassador. As he drives through the city, he pretends to have car trouble and pulls over in an alley that's strategically hidden from Cipher's omnipresent cameras. He then enters a pub and asks Magdalene Deckard (played by Helen Mirren, if you can believe that!) for help in rescuing his child. He returns to his car before Cipher becomes suspicious.

Hobbs and Deckard are still seething with rage at having to work together. Hobbs discovers that Deckard was a highly decorated British Army Captain, and then suddenly the two become fast friends, which isn't the least bit unrealistic at all. Somehow Deckard tracks Dom to NYC and the "Family" follows him there.

Cipher detects the crew and causes a diversion by hacking into every self-driving car in the city, in a huge "trailer moment" action setpiece. She creates a massive stampede of driverless cars, which immobilizes the Ambassador and blocks the "Family" from him. Dom threatens the Ambassador unless he hands over the briefcase, which he reluctantly does. He drives off, but is soon pursued by his "Family." They fire several grappling hooks into his car, stopping it in its tracks. Suddenly he backs up rapidly, which somehow causes the other cars to flip end over end, and gets away. Take that AGAIN, Laws Of Physics!

Dom exits his car with the case, and is confronted by Deckard. Dom shoots him, and Deckard drop dead to the pavement like a sack of wet laundry. Don't worry, I'm sure he'll get better. No one stays dead for long in this world. Dom runs down an alley, where he's stopped by Letty. She grabs the case from him and says she knows he won't shoot her. Suddenly Cipher's henchman Connor Rhodes (played by Krisofer Hivju, of Game Of Thrones fame) appears and points a gun at Letty. Dom points his gun at Rhodes and tells him to let her go. Letty gives the case back to Dom, and he and Rhodes scamper off.

Back on the plane, Cipher's disappointed that Dom let Letty go. She holds Marcus in her arms, while Rhodes executes Elena. OK, SHE'LL probably stay dead.

Mr. Nobody says now that Cipher has the Russian launch codes, she'll likely steal a nuclear missile next. The "Family" deduces she'll strike the base of a Russian Separatist Group, who've "acquired" an ICBM in Siberia. Mr. Nobody outfits the crew with souped up cars and tech from a secret government warehouse.

Dom approaches the Siberian base and uses the EMP device to knock out the security, so Cipher can hack into their nuclear sub. Unknown to her, two figures parachute INTO the cargo hold of her plane (take THAT yet again, physics!). The figures turn out to be Deckard Shaw, whose "death" at the hands of Dom was all a ruse, and his brother Owen Shaw, who died in the previous movie, but apparently got better.

Meanwhile, the "Family" somehow arrives in Siberia just minutes after deducing that's where Cipher would strike. It's a small world after all! Letty and Hobbs infiltrate the Separatist base and liberate the control center. Ramsey hacks into the center, and tries to gain control of the nuclear sub. Unfortunately Cipher is the better hacker, and locks her out. She somehow pilots the sub by remote control into the sea, even though seconds earlier it was in dry dock. Continuity, schmontinuity! Ramsey notes that the sub's heading for a gate ten kilometers from the base, and if it passes through into open ocean, there'll be no chance of stopping it. The crew jump in their cars and race across the ice for the gate.

Back on the plane, the Shaw brothers gun down Cipher's numerous grunts. We take time out for a flashback, so the movie can explain how Deckard faked his own death, as for some reason, his mother Magdelene somehow talked him into teaming up with his brother to help out his former mortal enemy. Deckard makes his way to the cell and rescues Marcus. He radios Dom and tells him the "package" is secure.

With his son safe, Dom no longer has any reason to obey Cipher. He kills Rhodes, and radios Cipher, warning her he's coming after her next. Cipher orders her men on the ground to wipe out the "Family." There's a big action setpiece as the vehicles careen across the ice and the two sides shoot at one another. When it looks like the "Family" is winning, Cipher launches torpedoes at them. The torpedoes break through the surface and travel along the ice toward the crew's cars, which I don't think is possible, but let's just move on. A torpedo approaches Hobbs' vehicle, and he actually leans out and uses his bare hands to shove it off course, where it slams into one of Cipher's trucks and explodes. Now I'm positive the screenwriters watched a kid playing with his Hot Wheels cars for inspiration.

Cipher then crashes the sub through the ice, and launches heat seeking missiles at Hobbs and the others. Just then, Dom dramatically appears, letting his "Family" know he's back for good. He gets the missiles to chase his car and then jumps it over the sub. The missiles slam into the sub, causing a massive explosion that somehow doesn't harm any of the "Family."

Back on the plane, Cipher is furious. Deckard confronts her, and revealed he found her "untraceable" plane after Dom placed his crucifix— which contained a secret homing beacon— on Marcus' cell. She grabs a parachute and leaps out of the plane, ensuring she'll return in the inevitable Furious 9. Deckard— still holding Marcus— lands the plane. On the ground, Dom and Letty are reunited and embrace.

Cut to New York, where the "Family's" having a rooftop barbecue. Mr. Nobody tells them Cipher is still on the loose, but is confident they'll catch her. He offers Hobbs his old job back, but he turns it down, saying he'd rather continue coaching his daughter's team. Deckard returns Marcus to Dom, who introduces everyone to his new son. He says he's picked out a first name for him: Brian (insert the world's largest eye roll here). Wow. Didn't see that one coming.

Thoughts: 
• I don't have many thoughts about this film, as it's pointless to nitpick such a big, dumb, over the top action movie. After all, it's designed to excite, not to make sense. That said, here are a few ridiculous moments that leaped out at me.

• I was very surprised that the word "family" is only uttered thirteen times during the film.  #restraint

And yes, I actually kept a running tally there in my theater seat!

• At the beginning of the film, Dom's in Cuba, and for reasons wagers his beloved Impala in a street race. Um... how'd he get his car to the island? Is there a ferry from Miami to Cuba? Is that a thing now that we're all friends again and can travel there once more? 

Going from Miami to Cuba isn't like trundling across a bay. It's over a hundred miles. Is there really a ferry that can go that far?

• The Fast & Furious films are what I like to call a "Barnacle Series." Any time a new character is introduced, they immediately become part of the "Family" and appear in all subsequent entries. These movies add characters like a ship picks up barnacles.

Take Ramsey, for instance. She was introduced in Furious 7, where she served more as a cheap expository device than an actual character. Sure enough, she's back for The Fate Of The Furious, even though we still know virtually nothing about her, other than she's a hacker. The writers seemingly realize this, as the movie suddenly goes meta. When Tej and Roman shamelessly hit on Ramsey during the barbecue, she playfully tells them she'll go to dinner with whichever one of them knows her last name!

Same thing with Nobody Jr. He makes his debut at the beginning of the film, and by the end he's driving around and blowing up sh*t with the others as he seemingly becomes an official member of the "Family." There's no doubt in my mind he'll show up in the ninth film. 

But most amazingly is Deckard Shaw. Even though he murdered Han in a previous film, all is forgiven as he's also brought into the fold. His chemistry with Hobbs practically guarantees he'll be back in the next movie.

As the series goes on (and on, and on), eventually they're going to have to think about weeding out the "Family" a bit. You can't have a movie with twenty five main characters.

• In Fast & Furious 6, Dom seriously injured Owen Shaw, putting him in critical condition. This understandably upsets Owen's brother Deckard, so in Furious 7 he swears vengeance on Dom and his "Family." He murders Han and blows up Dom's house.

Annnnd then we get to this film and suddenly all is forgiven. Hobbs and Deckard comically trash talk one another for a few minutes, then they throw their heads back, laugh heartily and become good friends. Dom somehow even talks Deckard and Owen into going on a ridiculously dangerous mission to save his infant son!

I dunno... I guess I'm just not as forgiving as the people in this cinematic universe. I can't see myself sharing a beer with a man who killed a close friend. Or trusting my son to him! 

Not to mention the Shaw brothers have absolutely ZERO motivation to save their sworn enemy's kid. Even if their mom did bully them into it. That's another thing! Why possible reason would Magdelene Shaw have for helping Dom, after he seriously injured her son?

• Jason Statham and Charlize Theron are reunited here, after co-starring in 2003's The Italian Job. Theron also worked with Michelle Rodriguez in Battle in Seattle, in 2007.

Sadly, we never get to see Theron behind the wheel in this film. She's certainly no stranger to chase movies, as she starred in the aforementioned The Italian Job, as well as Mad Max: Fury Road.

• At one point Deckard mocks Hobbs' hulking physique by calling him "Hercules." This is no doubt a shoutout to the fact that Dwayne Johnson, aka Hobbs, starred in the sub-par Hercules in 2014.

• I'd really like to know how the filmmakers talked Helen Mirren into starring in a Fast & Furious movie. She's an Oscar winning actress, for Thor's sake! I guess they conned her into it the same way Michael Bay tricked Sir Anthony Hopkins into being in a Transformers movie.
• I won't liec I thought the "Self Driving Car Stampede" in the middle of New York City was pretty darned cool. Patently impossible, of course, but cool. 

Apparently the film takes place in a parallel world in which Manhattan is populated by thousands, maybe even tens of thousands, of self-driving cars. I'm sure they have some there, but nowhere near THAT many.

• The streets of NYC are curiously devoid of traffic during the many chase scenes there. Yeah, there were a few cars dotting the streets, but nowhere near the number you'd no doubt see on a typical day. I have a feeling it's not possible to drive ninety five miles an hour through downtown Manhattan. 

• Great confusion surrounds the Russian motorcade scene in NYC. A Russian Ambassador is being driven to his embassy in a stretch limo. There are four black sedans in front of his limo, and four behind. Like this: = = — = =

At one point Cipher tells Dom that the Ambassador is in "the third car," and to target it. I assumed that meant he was really in one of the sedans, and the limo was a decoy meant to fool any would-be terrorists.

But then a few minutes later Dom stands on top of the incapacitated limo and demands the Ambassador hand over the nuclear codes. So I have no idea what all the "third car" talk was about. I guess Cipher meant he was in the third row back? Confusing!.

I could also swear there's a shot during the self-driving car attack in which the Ambassador's limo flips end over end, yet a few scenes later it's driving down the street, no worse for wear. 

Apparently the film was also edited fast and furiously!

• I don't think the filmmakers understand just how an EMP pulse works. From what I've read, it fries any kind of electrical system in the vicinity. I think maybe devices that aren't actively switched on will be OK, but I'm not 100% sure about that.

Anyway, at the Russian Separatists' base, Dom uses a stolen EMP device to fry a pursuing attack chopper. A couple things here. First of all, Dom's driving in his car when he sets off the EMP. His car's ignition should have been fried and it should have immediately coasted to a stop, but of course it's completely unaffected.

Secondly, when the chopper's hit, its rotors instantly stop spinning, and it starts careening wildly toward the ground. The pilot then radios a Mayday call. Whoops! Radios are electronic devices too, writers!

I guess maybe you could argue that the EMP device is directional, and can be aimed at a particular vehicle so it affects it and nothing else. The only problem with that theory is that when Dom activates the EMP, we actually see a visible pulse emanate from his car!

• More wonky editing: During the big third act action setpice, we see the Russian sub that Cipher's trying to steal is dry dock. It's actually sitting on several large supports, several feet off the ground. 

A few minutes later the sub is in the water, sailing merrily away. 

Apparently there's a big chunk of film missing here to explain how the sub instantly got from dry land to under the water.

The Fate Of The Furious is big, dumb and loud, filled with over-the-top action scenes that defy the laws of physics. It doesn't make a lick of sense, but it's a heck of a lot of fun, and a worthy entry in the series. The absence of Paul Walker doesn't hurt the film a bit, as Dwayne Johnson and Jason Statham more than make up for his absence, going so far as to shove star Vin Diesel out of the spotlight. I give it a B.

It Came From The Cineplex: xXx: Return Of Xander Cage

Hey guys, it's finally here! It's The January/February Film Dumping Ground! Yes, it's that magical time of the year when the major studios burn off all the celluloid bombs they didn't dare release during the all-important Summer and Xmas blockbuster seasons! Awesome! Brace yourselves for two solid months of watered-down PG-13 horror films, cheap CGI kid's movies and fart comedies. It's a fantastic time to be a film fan!

xXx: Return Of Xander Cage was written by F. Scott Frazier and directed by D.J. Caruso.

Frazier previously wrote The Numbers Station and Collide. He really needs to step up his game and become a better writer if he's gonna insist on calling himself "F. Scott."

Caruso previously directed The Salton Sea, Taking Lives, Two For The Money, Disturbia, Eagle Eye, I Am Number Four, Standing Up and The Disappointments Room. Well, at least his work's consistent.

I've always been a fan of action movies. The dumber and more outrageous they are, the more I like 'em. Nothing pleases me more than watching a beefy action hero spout a horrible one liner before killing a room full of thugs.

That said, when I saw the trailer for xXx: Return Of Xander Cage, I thought it was the most ridiculous thing I'd ever seen— and not in a good way. I rubbed my hands together with glee, anticipating just how I'd rip it apart in my eventual review. Then a funny thing happened. I went to the cineplex and actually watched the movie, and... it wasn't nearly as bad as I thought it would be. 

Oh sure, it's completely ludicrous and doesn't make a lick of sense, but it was never boring. I was thoroughly entertained throughout. And in the end, isn't that a movie's job?

So I can't believe I'm saying this, but I think I kind of liked xXx: Return Of Xander Cage! I'm going to make an appointment with my neurologist first thing in the morning.

This is probably the only time in my life I'll be able to go to the cineplex and say, "One ticket for Triple X, please," and not be embarrassed. Now that I think about it, maybe I should have been embarrassed by buying a ticket for this film after all.

I could have sworn I saw the original xXx, but I read the plot synopsis online and it didn't ring even a single tiny bell. Either I watched it and literally forgot every second of it, or I never saw it to begin with. At this point I honestly can't say either way. I do know for a fact never saw xXx: State Of The Union, so there's that.

This marks the second time that Vin Diesel has abandoned a franchise, only to come crawling back to it later. Fresh off the success of Boiler Room and Pitch Black, Diesel starred in 2001's The Fast And The Furious. The film was a big hit, and made Diesel a bona fide star. 

When it came time to shoot a sequel, Diesel turned down a $20 million paycheck for 2 Fast 2 Furious, in order to star in The Chronicles Of Riddick, for which he made a whopping $50,000! Um... smart business decision, Vin!

Diesel made a VERY brief cameo appearance at the end of The Fast And The Furious: Tokyo Drift, before returning to the franchise full time.

History repeats itself in the xXx franchise. Diesel starred in the original xXx, but opted out of the follow up, 2005's xXx: State Of The Union. And once again he's returned for the third film.

At this point there's very little difference between the Fast & Furious and xXx franchises. Both feature diverse teams of super-humans performing physically impossible stunts as they travel the world searching for a high tech device that does a thing. I cannot emphasize this enough— at this point the two franchises are virtually interchangeable.

In 2016's Doctor Strange, Marvel Studios cast the whitest woman possible as The Ancient One, a traditionally male Asian role from the comics. Predictably, the internet at large flipped its sh*t over this controversial casting, labeling it "whitewashing" and basically saying it was the worst thing to happen since 9/11.

Meanwhile, xXx: Return Of Xander Cage features an amazingly diverse and international cast. There are blacks, whites, Chinese, Japanese, several Brits and even an Indian woman. All kinds of different races, nationalities and genders teaming up and working together. And guess what? No one's saying a thing about this. I've not heard one single peep of positive buzz about the casting.

So I guess the PC Police can only be bothered to bitch and moan when a movie ISN'T diverse, but don't feel the need to praise one if it IS. So as far as I'm concerned they all need to shut the f*ck up then. You can't boo unless you're willing to applaud.

As I predicted back in January, xXx: Return Of Xander Cage is a huge bomb here in America, grossing a very anemic $44 million against its $85 million budget. These days a film generally has to gross twice its production budget just to break even. It's barely managed to do that here.

Fortunately for the producers, foreign audiences can't get enough of the film. It's grossed a whopping $287 million overseas, for a combined total of $332 million! I guess Vin Diesel's still a box office draw in the rest of the world.

This is about on par with the first film, which grossed $277 million against its $70 million budget way back in 2002. Although back then, $142 million of that gross came from the U.S. I guess Diesel was a bigger deal in those days.

SPOILERS!

The Plot: 

In space, a small satellite falls out of orbit and plummets toward Earth.

In a Chinese restaurant in Brazil (?), NSA operative Augustus Gibbons (played by Samuel L. Jackson) tries to recruit Neymar Jr. (played by Neymar Jr.) as an xXx agent. Neymar Jr. declines, saying he's not a hero. Just then an armed gunman bursts into the restaurant. Neymar Jr. kicks a napkin dispenser at the gunman's head, knocking him out. Gibbons says Neymar Jr. is a hero after all, just as the satellite crashes and explodes, seemingly killing them both.

At CIA Headquarters, Jane Marke (played by Toni Collette) informs a group of government and military leaders that the satellite crash was caused by a terrorist device called Pandora's Box. The group that crashed the satellite can use the box to bring down thousands more any time they want, using them as makeshift missiles.

Suddenly four skilled infiltrators— Xiang (played by Donnie Yen), Serena (played by Deepika Padukone), Talon (played by Tony Jaa) and Hawk (played by Michael Bisping) use their xtreeeeme skills to burst into the building and eliminate the guards one by one. Xiang steals the Pandora's Box from Marke and he and his team make a hasty exit. Marke says they need to retrieve the Box pronto, and that Gibbons worked with someone who can do it.

Now that we're fifteen minutes into the film, we're finally (re) introduced to Xander Cage (played by Mark Sinclair, er, I mean Vin Diesel), our protagonist. Xander is living in the Dominican Republic, and uses his xtreeeeme skills to climb a tall TV tower and steal a cable box. Diesel's stuntman, er, I mean Xander then skateboards down a steep hill and arrives in a local pub just in time to hook up the box, so the village can watch the big football game. Hooray! He risked life and limb for a stupid sporting event! He's a hero to the villagers! Xander then goes home to his girlfriend Lola, and they make sweet, passionate xtreeeeme love.

The next day, Xander sits in a town square in Santo Domingo. An old white man sits next to him on a bench for a while, then gets up and leaves his case behind. For some reason, Xander opens the case and sees a bomb inside, its timer counting down to zero. Suddenly a SWAT team moves in, seemingly thinking Xander's the bomber. Holy Mistaken Identity, Batman!

Xander begins taunting the SWAT team, obviously not taking the situation seriously. Marke appears and admits it was all a setup and she was testing him. She asks him to rejoin the xXx program, but he's not interested. She mentions that Gibbons is dead, which finally piques Xander's interest. Marke explains that Xiang and his team have the Pandora's Box, and they need to get it back before they use it or sell it to an enemy state. Unfortunately, Marke has no idea where Xiang is hiding. Xander says he knows someone in London who can help. 

Xander flies to London to meet his pal Ainsley (played by Hermione Corfield), who the movie would like us to believe was in the first film, even though she wasn't. She tells Xander he can find Xiang and his gang in the Philippines. Really, that's it? Just "The Philippines?" Why not just say "They're on Earth?" After that, Xander has an orgy with Ainsley's scantily clad female "assistants." This entire scene was completely pointless, and exists solely to pad the runtime and inject a bit more sex into the film.

Meanwhile in "The Philippines," Xiang and his gang are hiding out. Serena tells him they're being hunted and they should destroy the Pandora's Box, but Xiang says they need it.

Marke welcomes Xander back into the xXx program and presents him with his very own C-5 cargo plane, along with a hand picked team of Special Forces soldiers. Donovan, the leader of the soldiers, mocks Xander's dated 90's xtreeeeme look, as well he should. Xandder then stealthily (?) attaches the Special Forces soldiers' parachutes to a cargo crate and jettisons it. The soldiers are then yanked violently out of the hold, as their necks and spines no doubt snap in half. Haw haw! Attempted murder is hiLARious! 

Xander says he'll only work with a hand-picked team he trusts. We're then treated to a montage of this team, complete with onscreen stats. First up is Adele Wolff (played by Ruby Rose), who's in the African Savannah observing a pride of lions. She uses her sniper skills to shoot several hunters in the leg, disabling them. They try to crawl away in panic as the lions pounce on them. Haw haw! Premeditated murder is hiLARious!!

Next up is Tennyson Torch (played by Rory McCann, aka the Hound of Game Of Thrones fame). He's some sort of driver with 198 crashes on his record. Lastly is Nicks (played by Kris Wu), a DJ with no apparent skills that I could see. 

The three are brought in to meet with Xander, and agree to join the mission. Marke introduces them to Becky Clearidge (played by Nina Dobrev), who plays the "Q" role here and gives them high-tech gadgets such as bionic gloves.

The team lands in "The Philippines" and head for a nightclub, which is a front for an arms dealer named Lazarus. Xander finds Serena and Xiang, who has the Pandora's Box. Xiang insists the three of them play "hot potato" with live grenades, in a scene that I'm sure was supposed to be xtreeeeme, but just looks silly. Xander apparently wins the game (I guess?) and Xiang reveals that he and his team are actually xXx agents with their own agenda. Suddenly Russian troops enter the club,  and demand the Pandora's Box. Adele, who's hiding in a nearby tree, shoots all the Russian soldiers as all hell breaks loose. 

Xiang runs off with the Box, and Xander follows. They have a high speed land/sea chase, on motorcycles that can inexplicably transform into jet skis. They surf along a massive wave, and Xiang wipes out. Xander recovers the Pandora's Box. As he wades back to shore, Serena shoots the Box, destroying it. She then decides to join Xander's team (?). For some reason, he welcomes her aboard (??). 

Marke then informs Xander that the Box Serena destroyed was just a prototype, and there are apparently many more. One was just used to destroy a Russian stadium. For some reason, Xander comes to the conclusion that someone inside the CIA was in on the plot to help Xiang steal the Box. He reviews security footage of Marke's briefing, and notices that Director Anderson, whoever the hell that is, was the only one who didn't flinch when Xiang attacked.

Xander then somehow locate Xiang, and chases him through the streets, while Tennyson, and the others pursue Hawk. Xander catches Xiang, and the two engage in an epic hand-to-hand battle in a warehouse. They stumble into Director Anderson's lair, which is filled with multiple Pandora's Boxes. He monologues that he crashed the satellite that killed Gibbons. Adele sets up her sniper rifle in a building across the street, and shoots Anderson in the head.

Marke arrives, and her people recover all the Pandora's Boxes, and arrest Xiang and his teammates. Marke, Xander and Xiang board the C-5 plane, while the other two xXx teams stay on the ground. 

Marke informs Xander that now that the mission's over, the xXx program is being shut down. He realizes this means ALL agents are to be immediately terminated. She shoots Xander three times in the chest, and he collapses. She then radios her men on the ground to eliminate both Xander and Xiang's teams.

The two xXx teams then join forces, as they fire several hundred thousand rounds at the approaching CIA agents. Even Becky gets in on the action, clumsily shooting a few CIA grunts. Eventually the xXx teams run out of ammo and are surrounded.

Just when it looks like the two xXx teams will be executed, they're saved when Darius Stone (played by Ice Cube), appears in a rousing "audience cheer" moment. GASP! Stone, who was the hero of xXx: State Of The Union, blows up the attacking CIA agents, saying "X takes care of its own!". Hooray! Treason is hiLARious!

Back on the plane, Xander wakes up, revealing he was wearing body armor. He and Xiang join forces to defeat Donovan and his Special Forces goons. Donovan puts on Becky's bionic gloves and battles Xander in another big action setpiece. 

During the fight, the pilot is shot & killed, and the plane goes into a steep nosedive. In the resulting freefall, Xander, Xiang and the others fly around the plane like astronauts. Donovan punches a hole in the side of the plane (!), and Xander shoves him through it (without a parachute this time!). 

Meanwhile Marke uses a Pandora's Box to send a satellite crashing toward the warehouse, where the two xXx teams are. She's then about to shoot Xiang, but he notices that for some reason, her foot is caught in the loop of a parachute strap. He activates the chute, and she's yanked violently out the cargo hold. Xiang then jumps from the plane as well (with a chute, of course). 

Serena somehow knows a satellite is heading their way, and radios Xander. He regains control of the plane and steers it toward the incoming satellite. He jumps out just as the plane collides with the satellite in a fiery explosion.

Xander's troubles aren't over though, as he's falling with no chute. He sees a falling cargo crate in the distance, and zooms over to it. He activates the cargo crate's chute, and rides it safely to the ground. 

Xander and Serena kiss, and Darius pulls up in Xander's old car, as the two agents meet for the first time. The two separate xXx teams then decide to join forces, as they realize they're now considered outlaws by the U.S. government.

Annnnd cut to the entire team attending Gibbons' high profile funeral. During the funeral, Xander's approached by Gibbons (GASP!), who admits he faked his own death (again!). Gibbons is accompanied by Neymar Jr., who's apparently become an xXx agent. Gibbons tells Xander he's glad to see him back in action, and give him some sage advice: "Kick some ass, get the girl and try to look dope."

Thoughts: 

• There's really not much to say about xXx: Return Of Xander Cage. The movie's so over the top and ludicrous (in a good way) that nitpicking it would be pointless. As you would expect, I will strive to do my best though.

• At the very beginning of the movie, Gibbons tries to recruit Neymar Jr., as an xXx agent. Not being a fan of international football (aka soccer), I had no idea who the hell he was. Heck, I didn't even know he was supposed to be famous. I thought he was just some nondescript guy who wandered onto the set of the film.

I looked him up, and it turns out that Neymar da Silva Santos Jr. is a popular Brazilian football star who plays forward for FC Barcelona. And that's one to grow on!

So why the hell is Gibbons recruiting an internationally famous football player for his spy program? Aren't secret agents supposed to be anonymous? One would think celebrities would make poor spies.

By the way, Neymar Jr. says he's disappointed that Gibbons wants him for the xXx program, as he "thought he was being recruited for the Avengers." Haw! OK, I have to admit, that was pretty funny, and obviously a shoutout to Samuel L. Jackson's role in the Marvel Cinematic Universe.

One last thing about Neymar Jr. before we move on. At the end of the movie, Gibbons appears at his own funeral to have a chat with Xander. Neymar Jr. stands next to Gibbson the whole time, and they leave together. I was going to say that he must have decided to join the program after all, and now the CIA has an internationally famous secret agent. 

But wait a minute— earlier in the movie the government told Marke they were shutting down the xXx program, and ordered her to eliminate all remaining agents. Either Gibbson secretly reopened the program, or Neymar Jr. is just hanging out with him for kicks (See what I did there? Kicks? Eh?). Is he Gibbons' houseboy now?

• When I first saw the trailer for this film, I laughed long and hard at the sight of Vin Diesel riding a skateboard. Diesel's FIFTY years old (as of 2017) and looks absolutely ridiculous as he flies down a steep hill on a board, in a desperate attempt to convince us he's twenty five at the most.

Fortunately this scene comes and goes pretty quickly, and the rest of the movie's not that bad. Vin Diesel's days as an action hero are definitely numbered though.

I honestly don't know which is worse: an aging action star who tries to act thirty years younger, or one who constantly whines "I'm gettin' too old for this sh*t" all through the movie.

• When we first see Xander Cage, he's living in the Dominican Republic with his girlfriend Lola. They have a brief sex scene, and that's the last we ever see of Lola! Xander's approached by the CIA about joining the xXx program and instantly leaves. Not even a goodbye scene with poor Lola, as she completely disappears from the movie.

Later Xander goes to London to see his informant Ainsley, and while he's there has an orgy with three of her friends. Apparently it didn't take long for him to get over Lola. 

I guess this is one more example of his xtreeeeme lifestyle!

• Earlier I mentioned the amazingly diverse cast of xXx: Return Of Xander Cage. Here's a rundown of all the main actors and where they're from:

Vin Diesel as Xander Cage: American

Donnie Yen as Xiang: Chinese from Hong Kong

Deepika Padukone as Serena Unger: Indian, born in Denmark

Kris Wu as Nicks: Chinese-Canadian

Ruby Rose as Adele Wolff: Australian

Tony Jaa as Talon: Thai

Nina Dobrev as Becky Clearidge: Bulgarian

Rory McCann as Tennyson Torch: Scottish

Toni Collette as Jane Marke: Australian

Samuel L. Jackson as Augustus Gibbons: American

Ice Cube as Darius Stone: American

Hermione Corfield as Ainsley: English

Tony Gonzalez as Paul Donovan: American

Michael Bisping as Hawk: English

• The McGuffin in this movie is the Pandora's Box, a piece of tech that can hack into any satellite orbiting the planet. Anyone possessing the Box could cause a satellite to hurtle toward the Earth like a bomb.

Hmm... why does that sound so familiar? Where have I heard of a device like that before? In a Bond movie? No, that's not right. One of the Jason Bourne films? The Mission: Impossible franchise?

Ah, I remember now. In Furious 7, Dominic Toretto, who just happens to be played by Vin Diesel, is approached by Mr. Nobody to steal the God's Eye. It's a device that can hack into orbiting satellites or any piece of tech with a camera, and allow the user to locate or track a person anywhere on Earth.

I'm sure it's just a coincidence that xXx: Return Of Xander Cage and Furious 7 both star Vin Diesel, and feature identical plots in which he has to find similar magical gizmos. Yep, totally coincidental.

• Man, Ruby Rose is having one hell of a year. In the past two months she's been in Resident Evil: The Final Chapter, John Wick: Chapter 2 and in this film. She's a busy gal!

Note that her biggest part is in this film. She's in Resident Evil for a grand total of about five minutes. She has a bigger part in John Wick, but plays a deaf mute assassin (?) and as such has absolutely zero lines.

• I don't understand why Tennyson Torch is so proud of his record of 198 crashes, and constantly brags about it. How is crashing 198 cars a good thing? Anyone could crash a car 198 times! That doesn't take any particular skill. 

Wouldn't it have made infinitely more sense if he had a record of 198 missions without a crash?

• Someone please, PLEASE, take Vin Diesel aside and tell him that his incredibly hideous coat with the massive fur collar is NOT a good look for him. Please.

Yeah, I know he wore it in the first movie, but it does not look cool, and it does not look xtreeeeme. It looks absolutely ridiculous. He looks like he just stepped out of The Revenant.

• When the C-5 plane nosedives, everyone on board experiences weightlessness and floats around the cabin (actually it's "free fall," but whatever). The movie actually got something right here, as this would actually happen in a steep dive. It's how NASA trains its astronauts to function in zero G. They use a plane, affectionately nicknamed the "Vomit Comet," to fly to the upper limits of the atmosphere and then dive almost straight down, giving the occupants a few seconds of simulated weightlessness.

In the real world, the Vomit Comet's period of free fall lasts around twenty five or thirty seconds before they have to level off. Here in the movie of course, the characters experience a good five minutes of weightlessness. Ah well.

• I know this is just a dumb action movie, but I don't understand how the DARPA bionic gloves are supposed to work. They're gauntlets that somehow enhance the wearer's strength, allowing one to punch through walls.

How the hell would that possibly work? It's just a fancy, high-tech glove! You can stuff all the bionics and circuitry you want into it, but it's still going to be limited by the user's strength. You'd need something that covered your entire arm, and probably your shoulder as well in order to increase punching power.

The only way these things could make you hit harder is if they had rockets on the back of them to propel your hand at the target faster.

• I never saw xXx: State Of The Union, but I'm aware of its existence and I know it starred O'Shea Jackson, er, I mean Ice Cube instead of Vin Diesel. So I was pleasantly surprised to see Cube's Darius Stone character make a surprise cameo appearance at a crucial moment in the film.

Unfortunately Stone's big reveal was ruined by one of the trailers, which contains pretty much his entire appearance in the film. Why the hell would they do this? Why would they release a trailer that spoils one of the few surprises in this movie? I feel bad for anyone who saw this ferkakta trailer and had their moviegoing experience ruined for them. Luckily for me I didn't see that particular trailer and was suitably surprised.

• After the plot's resolved, Xander tells the xXx agents that by refusing to hold still and let the government kill them, they've all gone rogue. From now on they're all wanted men and women, and the CIA will be looking for them.

So it only makes sense that the very next thing they'd do is attend Gibbons' funeral. A funeral for a government agent, which is likely being attended by numerous officials from various branches of the government, and is likely surrounded by hundreds of FBI, CIA and Secret Service agents. And yet Xander and his crew make absolutely no attempt at hiding their identities. Got it.

• Gibbons appears at his own funeral to give Xander some advice. This is the second time in the xXx franchise that he's faked his own death.

When he appears, we see he's now wearing glasses with a darkened left lens. I'm assuming this is another little nod to Nick Fury of the Marvel Cinematic Universe.

xXx: Return Of Xander Cage is a ludicrous and over-the-top action movie, whose indestructible characters ignore the laws of physics as they search the globe for a high-tech weapon. Despite its ridiculous premise, I found myself actually kind of liking it. It ain't high art, but as big, dumb and loud action movies go, it's not bad. I give it a B-.