Since we're currently suffering through an interminable and brutal triple digit heatwave in these parts (108º to be exact), I thought I'd post these wintry photos of
myself and my house in the hope that seeing them might cool me off.
It ain't working. It's still too damn hot.
Sometimes
I wonder why people ever settled in this land. The winters around here
are savagely harsh and frigid while the summers are brain-meltingly
hot. Seriously, there are maybe fifteen really nice days a year around here, twenty tops. Twenty days out of the entire year in which the temperature could be considered pleasant for human habitation.
Obviously whoever decided
to set up a town here did so on one of the rare nice days, thinking the
climate would be
like that year round. Boy were they in for a surprise, when a month
after they'd built the town and it was too late to move, the temperature plunged to -10ºF and
their arms broke off and shattered when they hit the frozen tundra.
Now
that I think about it, it's not just this area. This entire planet is pretty darned inhospitable. How did life ever get started here in the
first place? Think about it. The very temperature of the air on this planet
can kill you. The very
level of warmth of the air can cause your limbs to freeze solid or
parboil your insides.
And then there's the environment. It's a veritable laundry list of disasters. Tornadoes,
typhoons, monsoons, tsunamis, earthquakes, volcanoes, avalanches, mudslides, fires,
droughts... the list goes on and on. This is not a nice planet.
It's not just the weather that's trying to kill us. There's also the wildlife. You've got hundreds of different predatory animals like
lions, bears and sharks, all of which can catch and eat you before you even have the
chance to soil yourself.
And don't forget the millions of species of insects that suck your blood, infect you with disease and inject you
with enough venom to paralyze your lungs.
If
that's not enough, then you've got your microscopic predators. Viruses
and such, who want nothing more than to set up house in the very cells of your body,
liquifying your innards and killing you from the inside out.
It never ends with this planet. Everything here does its level best to kill you.
That's
why I don't get all this tree-huggy Mother Earth and Gaia bushwah. You know, the cockamamie idea that we all sprang from the ample bosom of Mother Nature, and that she coddles us and protects us in her warm embrace. The
Earth is not your mother. The Wire Mother perhaps, who resentfully offers you sustenance from her sharp, metallic teat. But certainly not a nurturing Mom.
No, your precious Mother Earth doesn't give a sh*t if you live or die. In fact she'd
much rather you did die, so your rotting corpse can feed her precious
flora. Our Dear Old Mother Earth is doing everything in her power to scrape us all
from her surface.
This is the reason I don't go for all this recycling and "Save The Earth" nonsense. Why should we do anything to help out the bitter old harpy that is our planet? What the hell's she ever done for us, besides try to kill us all off? No, Old Lady Earth needs taught a lesson. She needs to be shown who's boss. Maybe if we clear cut another million or so acres of rainforest and wipe out a few thousand more of her species, she'll see who's calling the shots and back off. Maybe then she'll finally lower the temperature enough that I can stand to be outside for more than thirty seconds at a time.
Bring it on, Earth. I got a brand new air conditioner and furnace in my house, and I ain't even begun to crank 'em up.
Somewhere in Indiana, a Bond Villain throws his head back and laughs maniacally as he tests out his new weather-controlling machine...
