Friday, August 31, 2012

Bad Idea Of The Week

This week marked the premiere of the movie The Oogieloves In The Big Balloon Adventure.

Never heard of them? Yeah, me either. Few rational humans have. It's the story of Goobie, Zoozie and Toofie, three actors in unappealing 1990s-era animatronic suits who live in Lovelyloveville. If your breakfast is still sitting in your stomach after reading that, then you've a stronger constitution that I have.

The movie is the brainchild of one Kenn Viselmann (who apparently has an "n" fetish), the marketing genius who brought The Teletubbies to American shores. In other words, Public Enemy #1.

Viselmann says the big draw of this movie is that it's "interactive," encouraging the audience to sing along with the characters, shout at the screen and dance in the aisles. Viselmann says he got the idea after watching audiences yelling at the screen during Tyler Perry movies and The Rocky Horror Picture Show. Excuse me now while I shudder uncontrollably for a few minutes.

As they say in every Star Wars movie, "I've got a baaaaad feeling about this."

If there's one thing the American public absolutely does not need, it's incentive to talk during a damn movie. Our society doesn't need a children's film that encourages them to yell at the screen, sing out loud and dance in the aisles. Such a film will only teach children that this is acceptable behavior. This kind of thing needs to be squelched now. Violently squelched, with extreme prejudice, before it has a chance to catch on and grow.

This I vow: if ten years from now I'm sitting in a theater and everyone around me is singing and dancing in the aisles, I will hunt down Mr. Kenn Viselmann and punch him squarely in the throat. And then I'll get mad!

Somehow they managed to blackmail recruit some actual recognizable names to star in this mess: Toni Braxton, Christopher Lloyd (!), Cary Elwes, Chloris Leachman and Jamie Pressly. The actors are all inexplicably wearing ghastly and overdone makeup that looks like my Nana applied it and makes everyone looks a good fifty to sixty years older than they really are. Actor Chazz Palminteri also stars in the film, cause you know, kids just loooove watching Chaz Palminteri. In fact my two young nephews watch The Usual Suspects and A Bronx Tale over and over and over every day.

Actually there may be no cause for alarm here. According to news accounts, the Oogieloves is on track to becoming one of the lowest-grossing films ever. It premiered on 1,500 screens on August 29 and brought in a paltry $60,000 total. I'll do the math for you-- that comes out to only $40 per theater!

Good! An idea like this one needs to die a painful and fiery death.

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