Sunday, March 31, 2013

Dodge This!

This week in a stunningly PC move, the Windham, New Hampshire school board voted 4 to 1 to outlaw dodge ball and other "human target games (?)" from their district because they lead to bullying.

School superintendent Dr. Henry LaBranche stated, "Here we have games where we use children as targets. That seems to be counter to what we are trying to accomplish with our anti-bullying campaign."

Wise words indeed from an even wiser man. 

Superintendent LaBranche made his announcement during an assembly in the school auditorium. Immediately afterward students struggled to hoist themselves from their chairs and slowly traverse the fifty feet back to their EnviroPods. Many of the students had to stop halfway through the harrowing journey, breathing heavily and clutching at the walls to regain their strength. Others were helped across the room by nearby aides.

Eventually the students made it back to warmth and safety of their sterile EnviroPods. They gently lowered their frail, doughy bodies into the waiting bosom of the Pods' padded interiors. The hatches to the Pods hissed slightly as they hermetically sealed the students inside, protecting them from any potentially harmful bacteria, allergens or outside stimuli. 

Once safely cocooned inside the Pods, the students then hooked themselves up to their computers and resumed their carefully-worded, non-offensive lessons, which were designed to instruct without providing any upsetting or objectionable thoughts. Soothing music and calming tranquilizers wafted through the filtered air inside the Pods as the students spent the remainder of the school day in blissful, non-confrontational comfort.

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