Tuesday, February 10, 2015

Eleven More Powers DC Is Considering Adding To Superman

Last week DC Comics announced they were adding a brand new power to flagship character Superman

Because lord knows if ever there was a comic book superhero who's criminally underpowered, it's Superman. With his super strength, speed, flight, invulnerability, x-ray and heat vision, super breath and super ventriloquism— why it's a wonder he was ever able to defeat normal middle-aged doughy human Lex Luthor at all.

Not THAT kind of flare.

The new power, called "Super Flare," debuts in Superman #38. It allows him to take all the energy his body has absorbed from our yellow sun and expel it in one incredibly massive and destructive energy burst. But there's a catch— once he uses his Super Flare, he'll be completely powerless and vulnerable for twenty four hours.
That's still not as stupid as his Super Ability To Throw His Chest Insignia power from Superman II.

DC editors are closely monitoring sales of the book, and if proves to be a hit, expect them to add even more powers to his inventory. 

Here are Ten More Powers DC Is Considering Adding To Superman:

• Super Ability To Shake Exactly Two Pills Out Of An Aspirin Bottle Every Time
Not very useful in battle, but comes in really handy when he has a super headache.

• Super Waiter Attention Attraction
Even the most indifferent food server can't ignore Clark when he activates this power.

• Super Closet Organization
He won't stop Darkseid or Braniac with this ability, but man, will it impress Lois and Lana!

• Super Song Lyric Comprehension
Clark will never mistakenly hear "Scuse me while I kiss this guy!" again!

• Super Ability To Fold A Fitted Sheet
A power mortal man can only dream of.

• Super Ear Bud Cord Detangling
No more tossing them in the trash when they tie themselves in knots!

• Super Ability To Pick The Fastest Checkout Line
Because even Superman's super speed is thwarted by a chatty cashier.

• Super Parallel Parking
When Clark activates this power, he pulls perfectly into a spot every time. At long last he'll no longer have to jog back and forth endlessly as he tries in vain to center his car.

• Super Coin Sorting
At last! Superman will no longer have to count out coins and try to fit them into flimsy paper tubes!

• Super Ability To Identify Obscure Actors While Watching Movies Or TV Shows
Never again will Clark lose track of the plot while trying to decide if he's watching David Keith or Keith David.

• Super Map Refolding
Not all that relevant in a digital world, but maybe GPS doesn't work in Smallville.

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