Monday, February 2, 2015

This Week In Ill-Advised Fast Food Promotions

Business analysts were stunned this week when desperate fast food giant McDonald's announced their new "Bankrupt Us Within A Month!" promotion.

The program, which runs from February 2 through Valentine's Day, allows customers to "pay" for their meals with "random acts of lovin" rather than cash. Examples of these acts include fist bumping a cashier, hugging a fellow patron, or calling a loved one to tell them you care.

The promotion comes at a crucial time for McDonald's, which has suffered substantial profit and stock losses for the past several quarters as consumers abandon the once popular burger behemoth for healthier fare. McDonald's 2014 revenue was reportedly $6.57 billion, down from $7.09 billion in 2013.

The new promotion, which gives out free meals to anyone, "even if they're just walking in to use the bathroom," is designed to hasten the corporation's financial downfall and bring them roaring into insolvency by the fourth quarter of 2015.

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