Robble, Robble

Back in April, McDonald's CEO Steve Easterbook assured nervous shareholders that he had a turnaround plan designed to "sell more burgers to more people." The plan would be revealed in May. 

Welp, it's May and the turnaround plan has finally been revealed— after a thirteen year absence, McDonald's is bringing back a brand new revamped version of the Hamburglar! That oughta bring the customers back in!

Obviously this is just another of the once-great corporation's desperate attempts to keep their head above water. I suppose it's working— everyone's definitely talking about the new Hamburglar. Not necessarily in a good way, though. There's definitely no one saying, "That new Hamburglar character is delightful! Honey, round up the family and let's head to our nearest McDonald's for a round of delicious hamburger sandwiches!" Instead it's more like, "Dear god, look what they're doing now to try and shore up sales."

I wonder if McDonald's is using this new, sexy hunk of a character to court the 50 Shades Of Grey Soccer Mom crowd. This Hamburglar doesn't comically run around in circles mumbling his signature catchphrase, laws no. I can very well imagine this Hamburglar dimming the lights, laying a woman out on his round bed while dripping hot candle wax onto her bare skin as he leans in close and whispers, "robble robble," in a hot, breathy voice.

He also looks amazingly like he stepped off the set of the 2009 superhero film Watchmen. I could easily see him carrying a canvas bag full of money— complete with an actual dollar sign on it— as he desperately runs away from psychotic vigilante Rorschach.

And because our current excuse for a society is a politically-correct hellscape, this new Hipster Hamburglar has a backstory. You heard me, a backstory.

Says Joel Yashinsky, McDonald's' Vice President of U.S. Marketing: "We felt it was time to debut a new look for the Hamburglar after he’s been out of the public eye all these years. He’s had some time to grow up a bit and has been busy raising a family in the suburbs and his look has evolved over time."

Yes, the Hamburglar— the goddamned Hambuglar— is now a suburban dad with a wife and kids. I guess he must not have grown up too awfully much though, if his name is still, you know, Hamburglar.

Was that backstory really necessary? Doesn't that just make things worse? Before he was just a bumbling, ineffectual comic relief crook. He was harmless. We knew nothing about his background or home life, and we didn't need to. Hell, we didn't want to.

This backstory just makes him seem tragic. Now his life of crime doesn't just affect him, it's impacting an entire innocent family. When this new Hamburglar gets caught for stealing burgers, and he will, his poor wife's going to be left to raise their kids on her own while he's doing ten to twenty in stir. 

She'll end up working two or three jobs in a desperate attempt to keep the family afloat, but it won't be enough. She'll eventually start cooking and selling meth, using just a little herself to help get through the day. She'll end up a hollow, burned out husk and the kids will become wards of the state. They'll bounce from foster home to foster home before they too end up on the streets, where they'll also turn to drugs and prostitution to get their next fix.

And all because their father is the Hamburglar. Thanks a lot, McDonald's. Now who's hungry for burgers?

Not So Fast, Food

Last month McDonald's stunned the fast food world with the roll out of its Dance For Your Food, Rummie!, er I mean their  I'm Lovin' It campaign, in which customers could pay for their meal by performing an "act of kindness," such as hugging a fellow diner, singing a song or promising to vaccinate their children. As you might expect, the campaign was almost universally mocked, and was considered a failure.

Not to be outdone, this month overpriced coffee behemoth Starbucks got into the act with its Race Together promotion. Baristas were encouraged to write the new slogan on customers' cups and then engage them in an informative dialogue on race relations in America.

Because god knows, whenever I feel like participating in a spirited discussion about our country's racial problems, I immediately head for my local Starbucks. Nothing starts the day quite like a slice of awkward dialogue with a total stranger who's counting the hours until quitting time so they can rush to their second job.

Some of the questions the baristas were urged to ask: "When did you first become aware of your race," and "In the past year, I have been to the home of someone of a different race ___ times." Jesus wept.

Naturally, Starbucks' campaign has been ever more savagely mocked than the McDonald's one. In fact it's been discontinued after just one week. In an internal memo, Starbucks CEO Howard Schultz said, "While there has been criticism of the initiative— and I know this hasn't been easy for any of you— let me assure you that we didn't expect universal praise." 

Schultz went on to say that the initiative "is far from over," and that its abrupt and premature termination was not a reaction to the negative publicity surrounding it. Uh-huh. Everyone who believes that, stand on their head...

Surprisingly, other fast food corporations have been undeterred by the McDonald's and Starbucks failures, and have rolled out their own promotions. Wendy's jumped on this awkward publicity bandwagon with their chilling Report Your Neighbors' Activities To The Authorities For 10% Off A Small Order Of Fries campaign. Taco Bell also reportedly joined in with their extremely ill-advised Kill A Hobo Just To Watch Him Die & Get A Free Small Soft Drink initiative.

These blundering promos could actually end up working out well for ailing fast food franchise Burger King, who just launched their no-frills Can I Just Get A Goddamned Cup Of Coffee Please? campaign.

This Week In Ill-Advised Fast Food Promotions

Business analysts were stunned this week when desperate fast food giant McDonald's announced their new "Bankrupt Us Within A Month!" promotion.

The program, which runs from February 2 through Valentine's Day, allows customers to "pay" for their meals with "random acts of lovin" rather than cash. Examples of these acts include fist bumping a cashier, hugging a fellow patron, or calling a loved one to tell them you care.

The promotion comes at a crucial time for McDonald's, which has suffered substantial profit and stock losses for the past several quarters as consumers abandon the once popular burger behemoth for healthier fare. McDonald's 2014 revenue was reportedly $6.57 billion, down from $7.09 billion in 2013.

The new promotion, which gives out free meals to anyone, "even if they're just walking in to use the bathroom," is designed to hasten the corporation's financial downfall and bring them roaring into insolvency by the fourth quarter of 2015.