Thursday, July 7, 2016

World's Laziest Psycho

DATELINE: SPAIN— In what may be described as one of the most unambitious crimes of the century, an American woman was arrested in Spain last week after allegedly attempting to kill noted theoretical physicist and quadraplegic Stephen Hawking.

Hawking, aged 74, is a retired Lucasian Professor Of Mathematics at Cambridge University. He suffers from ALS, aka Lou Gehrig's Disease, and is totally incapable of motion. He relies on a round-the-clock personal staff to take care of even his most basic of needs.

The unnamed would be assassin is a 37 year old woman with no previous criminal record. She was incarcerated after tweeting dozens of death threats to the brilliant but completely immobile scientist.

The woman also attended an astronomy festival (which is apparently a thing) in the Canary Islands, where she reportedly stalked the absolutely stationary Hawking, who's confined to a motorized wheelchair and communicates with an electronic voice synthesizer by controlling the device with his cheek muscles.

Authorities searched the woman's hotel room and found detailed diagrams of Hawking's home and office, as well as a map of the festival grounds and a copy of his itinerary. Police commented that this seemed like far more planning than was really necessary to take out a subject who's literally unable to move even so much as a finger to try and escape from her.

When questioned as to why she targeted a man who's unable to offer the slightest resistance to attack, the woman claimed she was upset with Hawking's claims that science had disproven the existence of God.

The woman then claimed that she "loves" Hawking, and "would never try to hurt him. When her examining physician was asked to comment on her condition, he placed his left index finger next to his head and moved it in a circular motion, while using his right finger to "strum" his lips and produce a "bee-bee-bo-dee-bee-bee" sound.

The woman was given a four month suspended prison sentence for harassment and threats, and has been ordered not to come within 1,600 feet of the incapacitated professor.

When asked what she would do next, the woman replied she was trying to decide between a knife fight with a newborn baby in Las Vegas, or drop-kicking stillborn kittens from the top of the Burj Khalifa in Dubai.

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