Things That Happened On Earth This Week (11/3/16)

Just a few things that happened here on Planet Earth this week…

Apparently there was some sort of popular sporting event this week. Possibly a baseball game of some kind. I'm not quite sure though.

This week Beyoncé performed at the monthly 50th Annual Country Music Awards. Yep, that Beyoncé— the one who's always been considered the First Lady Of Country Music.

Forget about Patsy Cline, Tammy Wynette, Kitty Wells, Loretta Lynn and Dolly Parton. When I think country music, my mind goes immediately to the former lead singer of Destiny's Child.

Before anyone starts, this is not a race thing. I am just baffled by her inclusion in what is ostensibly supposed to be a country music program. Last I checked, she had about as much to do with country as Beethoven. I'm guessing the network feared non-country fans wouldn't watch, so they included her to shore up the ratings?

This week plans were revealed for a new skyscraper called the Spire London, which, as you might have guessed, is being constructed in the city of London, England. The sixty seven story building is located on the Isle of Dogs (?) and is scheduled to open sometime in 2020.

Unfortunately, no one at the architectural firm seems to have noticed that from the air, the Spire closely resembles a massive cock and balls. Whoops!

Even worse, the tower will be located near a flight path leading into the London City Airport. It should make quite a memorable welcome for travelers. Welcome to London, dicks!

This week the Lafayette Louisiana Utilities System quietly, and without public input, instituted a new tax on homes with solar panels. That's right, Louisiana effectively just taxed the goddamned sun above your house.

It gets better— the new tax actually makes it more expensive to own and use solar power than conventional energy delivery systems. Brilliant!

I'm assuming the state issued this asinine tax at the request of local coal lobbyists, who are no doubt sh*tting themselves right now over the looming specter of cheap solar and wind power, and are doing their best to nip such alternative energy sources in the bud.

I pray to Thor that Elon Musk hurries up and puts his new solar shingles on the market, so we can all start generating our own power and tell our respective energy companies to go F themselves.

Why I'm Moving To The Mars Colony: The "Beyonce" Horsefly

This week Brian Lessard, allegedly a scientist at Australia’s Commonwealth Scientific and Industrial Research Organization, discovered a brand new species of horsefly. Due to the unusual gold markings on its abdomen he named it Scaptia (Plinthina) beyonceae. Yes, you read correctly. A scientist named a fly after pop star Beyonce because of it's gold-colored ass.

Sighhhhhhhhhhhhhh... In case you couldn't tell, that was the sound of the last tattered remnants of my soul escaping from my mortal body.

Lessard, who insists he is a scientist and not a drunken frat boy who wandered into a lab by mistake,  said he wanted to pay respect to the insect’s beauty by naming it Beyonce. He actually felt no shame in publicly declaring that he named the fly after her because its golden backside is “pretty bootylicious."

Do you need a license to become a scientist? If so, someone please revoke this schmendrick's ASAP.

Fifty years from now– hell, make that ten years from now, scientists are going to see the name of this fly and think, "What the frak is that supposed to mean?"

I really, really want off of this planet. It's things like this that make me want to be first in line for the Mars colony.

You can read the all too real article here.