Things That Happened On Earth This Week: 1/18/17

DATELINE: VANCOUVER, B.C.— 

This week Mengfa International, which is apparently some sort of business concern in Canada, sued the Vancouver Building Council for refusing to let them build a Moby Dick's seafood restaurant. When Mengfa asked why their permit was denied, the Council claimed that the name "Moby Dick" is offensive.

Jesus wept. 

The Council also went on to say that opening a restaurant called Moby Dick would "hurt the value of neighboring properties, and that the restaurant would bring increased litter and violate city laws on odor."

So not only are there no readers on the Vancouver Building Council, but the members are all bath*t insane as well.

The restaurant of course is named after the 1851 novel by Herman Melville, which tells the tale of Captain Ahab, a seaman who's obsessed with finding and killing the great white whale which cost him his leg. The book ends with– SPOILER ALERT FOR A 166 YEAR OLD NOVEL– the narrator Ishmael floating on a coffin in the middle of the ocean after Moby Dick destroys the whaling ship and kills everyone aboard.

In light of the Council's ruling, Mengfa has reportedly decided to open a different restaurant called "C*nt Burger."

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DATELINE: VENEZUELA— 

This week a woman was caught trying to sneak her boyfriend out of the Puente Ayala Prison in Vebezuela— in a suitcase!

Antonieta Robles Souda visited her boyfriend José Antonio Anzoátegui, who was serving a nine year sentence for car theft. She brought a large pink suitcase with her, which amazingly didn't arouse suspicion among the prison staff. Apparently overnight stays by family members are SOP in this particular prison (!), so no one thought anything about it.

It wasn't until the tiny woman was seen struggling with the suitcase the next morning that guards began to think something might be amiss. They ordered her to open the suitcase and discovered her boyfriend stuffed inside. Impressive! 

If nothing else, I gotta give them props for sheer chutzpah and ingenuity. 

Sadly, there's no way in hell this trick could ever be tried in 'Murica. Unless you had a six foot square suitcase, maybe.

This isn't the first time José and Antonieta have had a brush with the law. Several years ago Antonieta and José tried the old "sit on one person's shoulders while wearing a hat and a long trench coat" trick to enter a local cineplex with just one paid ticket.

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DATELINE: AMERICA— 
This week a Redditor user claimed that his new pair of workboots, made by the Polar Fox company, left swastika-shaped footprints wherever he walked.

Sigh... this again? Two or three times a year some fidgety worrywart goes ballistic because they start seeing swastikas where there are n— 

Holy crap, those are swastikas. Jesus Christ, they're perfect too. How the hell did this get through this company's quality control department?

Polar Fox has since recalled the boots, and the company's large, chubby, mustachioed spokesman held a press conference where he simply stated, "I see nuhsink! Nuhsink!"

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DATELINE: LAS VEGAS, NEVADA— 

This week at CES, an annual convention spotlighting technology and gadgets, the Spartan Underwear company debuted their new radiation-proof boxers.

The underwear contains a blend of silver fibers and cotton, which supposedly blocks 99% of the radiation from mobile phones and wi-fi signals. That's right— it's a goddamned Farady Cage for your junk!

Best of all, Spartan boxers are designed in Paris "for an exceptional fit and amazing design." Ooh la lah! Élégant et sans rayonnement!

My favorite feature of Spartan boxers is that they're seamless, orderless and CONfortable. Who needs proofreaders?

Of course there's no concrete evidence that cell phone radiation or wi-fi signals are in any way dangerous, but when has that ever stopped companies from taking advantage of an uninformed and jittery clientele?

Spartan boxers sell for just $44.49 per pair, which seems pretty pricey where I'm from. Maybe if you're that worried about your phone shriveling up your family jewels, you should, oh, I don't know, maybe stop shoving it into your pocket next to your genitals.

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DATELINE: NEW YORK, NEW YORK— 

This week a new Harry Potter-themed restaurant opened in New York City's Lower East Side. The eatery, called Pasta Wiz, promises patrons a variety of magical-themed dishes, guaranteed to arrive at your table a mere five minutes after you order. So you just know it's gotta be good, right?

Um, note to the owner of this establishment: I know you've already spent thousands for your various permits and your sign and menus, but you need to ditch that name PRONTO. Nobody wants to eat at a place with "wiz" in its name. Trust me on this. Maybe "Pasta Wizard" would have been a better choice.

Expectorate pastorum!

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DATELINE: BEVERLY HILLS, CALIFORNIA— 
This week at the 74th Golden Globes Awards, director JJ Abrams announced that he's "done with reboots."

Ah. So I guess that means he's retiring then. BURRRRRRN!

See, of the five major theatrical movies Abrams has directed (Mission: Impossible III, Star Trek, Super 8, Star Trek Into Darkness and Star Wars: The Force Awakens), only one— Super 8— has NOT been a remake or reboot. And even then, it was pretty much a pastiche of nearly every film Steven Spielberg ever made.

And yes, that's a photo of JJ Abrams oh-so-subtly flipping us all off.

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DATELINE: WASHINGTON D.C.— 

This week in Washington, Betsy DeVos, President-elect Trump's pick for Education Secretary, appeared before at a Senate Confirmation hearing.

When Senator Chris Murphy asked DeVos if she thinks guns should be allowed on school premises, she replied that the decision should be left up to local lawmakers. DeVos explained that certain schools— such as in Wyoming— might need guns to protect students from grizzly bears (!). 

"I would imagine there's a gun in the school to protect from potential grizzlies," said DeVos.

Reporters contacted Angie Page, assistant to the superintendent of Wapiti Elementary School in Wyoming, and asked if they indeed had a grizzly gun on the premises. "No, we do not," was Page's succinct and curt reply.

Devos went on to say she thinks our outposts on other moons should also be armed with blasters and other such weapons, to help keep the terrible, terrible Colossal Titans from scaling the Outer Wall...

Things That Happened On Earth This Week (1/9/17)

This week Gabriela Brandao, a makeup artist from Brazil, noticed that her great grandma prays to a tiny figure of Saint Anthony every single day.

There's just one problem– the figure in question is not of Saint Anthony, but rather of Elrond, the elf-lord played by Hugo Weaving in The Lord Of The Rings and The Hobbit movies. Whoops!

Eh, something tells me Granny gets about the same results praying to Elrond as she would Saint Anthony.

This week poor George Lucas revealed he's struggling to find a city to host his proposed Lucas Museum Of Narrative Art.

According to Lucas, hes willing to foot the entire bill to construct the $1.5 BILLION dollar museum (which he can do after selling Star Wars to Disney for $4 billion a few years ago), and it won't cost the target city a single dime.

Did you get that? HE WANTS TO GIVE AWAY A $1.5 BILLION DOLLAR MUSEUM!!!

So far he's approached Chicago, San Francisco and Los Angeles as the site of the museum, but they've all balked at his generous offer. Chicago supposedly rejected the proposed museum because Lucas wanted to build it in a location that's currently a parking lot where football fans gather for tailgate parties. Well, I can certainly see how something as important as that would outweigh a free museum! Other cities felt a museum celebrating popular art "wasn't a worthwhile endeavor."

The museum.actually sounds pretty cool, as it would feature samples celebrating the history of film, comics, illustration, storyboards, set design, props and other forms of narrative art, from Lucas' own collection as well as other sources. Unfortunately we may never get to see and enjoy these many pieces from his collection.

Hey, George, forget those stuffy old big cities. I know a place that'd probably love to have a free $1.5 billion dollar museum– my home town of Evansville, Indiana! We've even got a giant empty field right next to the highway where the city knocked down the old civic center and was supposed to build a new park. Give me a call, OK?

This week Terry Thornton, a spokeswoman for the California Department of Corrections and Rehabilitations (in other words, a secretary at the prison) announced that notorious cult leader Charles Manson "cannot be described as a model prisoner."

There's only one comment one can make regarding this story– "No sh*t, lady!" Can anyone possibly be surprised by this startling revelation?

Thornton says that Manson, now eighty two, has been cited for over one hundred violations during his more than four decades in prison, including possession of a numerous weapons, threatening staff, assault and owning a cellphone. 

According to retired LA County prosecutor Stephen Kay, Manson often spends his days making voodoo dolls of guards and other inmates and sticks needles in them (um... where's he getting the needles?). Manson is reportedly particularly nasty to female guards, as he has absolutely zero respect for women, seeing them only as things to be used.

My favorite part of this story– in 1982, prison guards found a nylon rope and a hot air balloon catalog in Manson's cell. Apparently he planned to order a gigantic balloon and escape by floating over the prison walls. Isn't that how Lex Luthor escaped in Superman II?

This week the Washington Post's Express newspaper magazine ran a cover featuring a story on an upcoming womens' rally. The cover featured a crowd of tiny women forming a large gender icon.

Overall it's not a bad cover design. There's just one problem. That's the MALE symbol, not the female.

The Post hastily issued a tweet, apologizing profusely for the mix up.

Honestly, they needn't have bothered. I don't think they should have said anything. I've been seeing those symbols my entire life, and I couldn't tell you which was which if my life depended on it. I know damned good and well that no one else knows which is which either. I'm betting if the Post had just kept its mouth shut, no one would have ever noticed, and life would have gone on just fine.

For the record, here's what the cover should have looked like.

This actually happened last month, but I busy then, and it's worth a mention.

On December 13, 2016, singer Dolly Parton hosted a telethon called Smoky Mountains Rise: A Benefit For The My People Fund. It was a charity event to raise money for the Gatlinburg area, which was ravaged by wildfires in late November.

The telethon was broadcast on GAC, AXS-TV and RFD, whatever those are, along with the Heartland Network. Dozens of celebrities performed in the telethon, including Kenny Rogers, Hank Williams Jr., Reba, Taylor Swift, Kenny Chesney, Cyndi Lauper (?) and Paul Simon.

Amazingly, Dolly and her pals managed to raise over $9 MILLION dollars for the Gatlinburg relief fund! NINE MILLION DOLLARS! And the telethon only lasted three hours! If my math's right, that's three million an hour! 

Just think how much she could have raised if it was a twenty four hour telethon! She could have rebuilt Gatlinburg and shaved a good chunk off the national debt!

Things That Happened On Earth This Week (11/27/16)

This week scientists announced that an increasing number of two headed sharks are being discovered in the world's oceans (!).

Scientists are unsure what's causing the extra noggins to form, or how to prevent the phenomenon from escalating. Some believe the spare heads are due to over fishing. This leads to less sharks in the ocean, which leads to a smaller gene pool, which leads to inbred, mutant fish with excess pates.

Other scientists believe that the terrifying idea of a shark with two goddamned people-munching heads is no cause for alarm. They claim that the number of double-skulled sharks is the same as it's always been, and the fact that more people are studying the creatures and publishing their findings is giving the illusion the aberrant population is increasing.

Whatever the reason for the seeming increase, it's a bit unnerving to think that Asylum Studios actually predicted this.

What'll Asylum get right next, sharks with three heads? Oh, wait...

This week Trumpy said he would appoint former Mitt Romney as his Secretary Of State, on the condition that the former presidential candidate publicly apologize for all the mean things he said about him during the election.

I'm no fan of Romney, as I think he's a smug, entitled bastard who's who's had everything handed to him his entire life. Plus his name is Mitt. But even I admit he shouldn't have to get on his knees and beg like a dog for a job. 

In a perfect world, Romney would announce a press conference and say, "I would like to formally and publicly apologize. I'm sorry that Donald Trump is an orange, petulant man-baby who's massive ego is so fragile it can't stand a little legitimate critcism. Romney out (drops mic and leaves)."

This I saw a TV commercial for Perfect Smile Veneers, the incredible new dental product that's sweeping the nation.

What are Perfect Smile Veneers, you ask? They're a flexible, rubbery "dental appliance" not unlike a set of novelty Billy Bob hillbilly teeth, that really stretch the definition of the word "veneer." They fit over your existing unsightly fangs, giving you an instant Hollywood-quality smile!

Just heat the Perfect Smile veneers in boiling hot water, fish them out as you burn your fingers and press the molten hot plastic choppers to your existing teeth for a custom, one-of-a-kind fit.

Note that Perfect Smile Veneers are only available in uppers. If your bottom teeth are gnarled and ghastly-looking as well, then screw you, I guess.

Best of all, Perfect Smile Veneers sell for a paltry $14.95! A fraction of the price of those expensive old porcelain dental appliances. Yes, for less than the cost of an extra large pizza, you can have a mouth full of unnaturally straight, soft, inhumanly white teeth with disturbingly blood red gums.

As you can see here, Perfect Smile dramatically improves the appearance of even the most horrifying grin. As long as you stay at least twenty five feet away from anyone at all times and never attempt to open your mouth or speak, Perfect Smile will be your little secret.

Perfect Smile even magically works if you have no teeth to speak of at all! It's amazing!

As the commercial states, Perfect Smile is, well, perfect for job interviews. Your potential new employer can't help but be impressed as you slur your responses like a common drunkard and unintentionally spray saliva all over his desk. When Mr. Johnson asks, "What's your greatest weakness?" you'll be able to say, "It sure ain't my smile!"

Perfect Smile is great for dating too! Just remember to insist that your boyfriend take you to a dimly-lit restaurant. Then smile vapidly and nod at everything he says, and absolutely, positively do not attempt to eat anything, lest your Perfect Smile Veneers unceremoniously plop into your bowl of soup.

Like most new products, Perfect Smile Veneers have a few... eccentricities. Because Perfect Smile Veneers are applied over your existing teeth, they may cause your upper lip to jut out unnaturally, not unlike Roddy McDowall in the Planet Of The Apes movies.

You'll also most likely need to relearn how to talk, as Perfect Smile Veneers tend to cause excessive lisping. Daily practice for four or five years should alleviate the problem though.

Lastly, your grandchildren may be frightened at first by your new appearance, causing them to pull away in revulsion and pose awkwardly with you in photos. They'll come around once they enter high school though.

Perfect Smile Veneers are no mere novelty product or passing fad. As you can see, they're officially endorsed by Dr. Fred Van Kuren, DMD, the "Director Of Dental Medicine," whatever the hell that means. In addition to his extraordinary credentials, Dr. Van Kuren doesn't show up in any Google search. Impressive!

Things That Happened On Earth This Week (11/17/16)

Just a few things that happened here on Planet Earth this week…

• This week the Dungeons & Dragons role-playing game was inducted into the Toy Hall Of Fame.

The game was first released in January 1974 by creator Gary Gygax's TSR company. It quickly became a nationwide sensation, as the rule book sold out everywhere. By the early 1980s over four million people were playing the game.

My, oh my, how times have changed. Believe it or not, back in the 1980s, evangelicals and Brittle Soccer Moms nationwide tried their best to get the game banned, claiming it was "Satanic." 

See, in 1979 a Michigan University student named James Dallas Egbert III sadly committed suicide. Investigators quickly blamed the game on Egbert's untimely demise.

Never mind that he was under an unhealthy amount of stress due to his academic load and the fact that he was a homosexual in the intolerant environment of the 1980s. Or that he was saddled with the name was James Dallas Egbert II. No, according to the authorities it was a goddamned game that caused him to kill himself.

Of course the calls to ban the game turned out to be an early example of the Streisand Effect, all this did was make the game even more appealing to teens.

So congratulations to D&D. Take that, Jack Chick!

• This week professional asshole and Vice President Elect Mike Pence held a press conference to let the public know that he doesn't "accept" the Theory Of Evolution. That's OK Mike, I'm sure the scientific community doesn't accept you either.

Pence said that Charles Darwin "offered a theory of the origin of species that we've come to know as evolution. Charles Darwin never thought of evolution as anything but a theory."

Jesus Jetskiing Christ, how is this still a thing in the freaking 21st Century? They don't have to put up with this kind of crap in Germany and other progressive countries, so why is this still an issue in America. Our country's supposedly the leader of the free world, for cripe's sake. Why are all our politicians stuck in the 1700s?

There's no doubt in my mind that Mike Pence also believes the sun revolves around the Earth, people get sick because their bodily humors are out of balance, and maggots don't hatch from fly eggs, but magically appear on rotten meat due to Spontaneous Generation.

Why does it matter what Mike Pence does and doesn't accept anyway? He's not a goddamned scientist, so why's he sticking his nose into their realm? You don't see scientists telling him how to pass laws forcing women to have funerals for their miscarried babies.

In case you hadn't figured it out by now, Mike Pence is an evil, evil bastard who's brand of old fashioned "Family Values" would make even the Puritans say, "Woah, lighten up, man!" Even his name hearkens back to a less enlightened time— he just had to be a Pence instead of a Penny.

Methinks Mr. Pence needs to consult a dictionary and look up the word "theory." A scientific theory is "a well-substantiated explanation of some aspect of the natural world, based on a body of facts that have been repeatedly confirmed through observation and experimentation."

A scientific theory is not a guess. It is, for all intents and purposes, a fact.

The best thing the scientific community could ever do for itself is to stop using the word "theory." The vast majority of mouth-breathing Americans, like Pence, don't understand what the word means in the scientific context, as they lean toward the "vague notion" definition. Hey Science, stop calling it "The Theory Of Evolution" and just call it "Evolution." That may not be 100% accurate, but you'll save yourselves a LOT of grief in the long run.

• This week famous theoretical physicist Stephan Hawking said that the Human Race has less than a thousand years left, due to environmental change, nuclear bombs, and… robots.

Oh, we have far, far less time than that, Stephen. By my calculations we've got less than four years left.

• This week Hong Kong toy manufacturer Hot Toys announced they're releasing a new 1/6 scale (12" tall) Star Wars Stormtrooper figure with a special "porcelain pattern."

Believe it or not, this isn't a late April Fool's joke, but an actual product that's already available for pre-order.

I'm puzzled as to just who the audience is for this figure. Apparently Hot Toys believes it'll be snapped up by elderly grandmas across the nation, who'll no doubt want to display the figures in their China cabinets along with all their "company" dishes. Cause Grannies just lovvvvve Star Wars, dontcha know.

The baffling Porcelain Pattern Stormtrooper is priced at a whopping $234.99.

• This week Morgan Spurlock— director of the 2004 documentary Supersize Me— opened his own fast food restaurant. 

This is exceptionally puzzling, since Spurlock's film heavily criticized the fast food industry, blaming it for the nation's obesity epidemic.

Spurlock's restaurant is called Holy Chicken, and will serve antibiotic-free and hormone-free chicken sandwiches, which he describes as "healthy-ish."

I move that we all immediately agree to totally disregard anything Morgan Spurlock says from this point on, as he just completely destroyed any credibility or relevance he may have once had.

• This week Leonard Rinaldi. of Torrington, Connecticut. stole his father's valuable coin collection and fed it into a supermarket Coinstar machine in order to fund his crack addiction.

To demonstrate the absolute genius of the younger Rinaldi, the coins were worth an estimated $8,000, but the machine only gave him their face value, which was around $60.

Brilliant! 

Stay in drugs, kids! Don't do school!

• This week Nintendo released their new Nintendo Classic Mini Entertainment System. As you can see in the photo, it's a tiny recreation of a NES console that comes hard-wired with thirty classic Nintendo games.

Naturally the game sold out in seconds, causing a huge panic among would-be buyers.

The Nintendo Classic retails for $59.99. Due to the shortage, it's currently going as high as $2,000 on eBay. Did you get that? $2000 freakin' dollars for a $60 video game system. And these are not new games, folks. These are the exact same games that have been freely available since 1983.

You could no doubt scour eBay, flea markets or yard sales and buy an ORIGINAL NES System, plus all thirty game cartridges, for under a hundred bucks. Or you could, you know, wait a goddamned month until Target gets a new shipment of the mini consoles in and buy it for $60 then. But no, paying a 3000% markup is good too.

Never underestimate the stupidity of masses who want something NOW.

• And finally some good news— this week Mondo released a vinyl album of the original 1984 Gremlins soundtrack.

What's so special about that, you ask? The album cover features a UV sensitive ink, and reveals hidden messages when exposed to light! In addition, the album sleeves are water sensitive, so additional messages appear when they're wiped with a damp cloth. Cool!

Don't feed your album after midnight! Bright light, bright light!

Things That Happened On Earth This Week (11/3/16)

Just a few things that happened here on Planet Earth this week…

Apparently there was some sort of popular sporting event this week. Possibly a baseball game of some kind. I'm not quite sure though.

This week Beyoncé performed at the monthly 50th Annual Country Music Awards. Yep, that Beyoncé— the one who's always been considered the First Lady Of Country Music.

Forget about Patsy Cline, Tammy Wynette, Kitty Wells, Loretta Lynn and Dolly Parton. When I think country music, my mind goes immediately to the former lead singer of Destiny's Child.

Before anyone starts, this is not a race thing. I am just baffled by her inclusion in what is ostensibly supposed to be a country music program. Last I checked, she had about as much to do with country as Beethoven. I'm guessing the network feared non-country fans wouldn't watch, so they included her to shore up the ratings?

This week plans were revealed for a new skyscraper called the Spire London, which, as you might have guessed, is being constructed in the city of London, England. The sixty seven story building is located on the Isle of Dogs (?) and is scheduled to open sometime in 2020.

Unfortunately, no one at the architectural firm seems to have noticed that from the air, the Spire closely resembles a massive cock and balls. Whoops!

Even worse, the tower will be located near a flight path leading into the London City Airport. It should make quite a memorable welcome for travelers. Welcome to London, dicks!

This week the Lafayette Louisiana Utilities System quietly, and without public input, instituted a new tax on homes with solar panels. That's right, Louisiana effectively just taxed the goddamned sun above your house.

It gets better— the new tax actually makes it more expensive to own and use solar power than conventional energy delivery systems. Brilliant!

I'm assuming the state issued this asinine tax at the request of local coal lobbyists, who are no doubt sh*tting themselves right now over the looming specter of cheap solar and wind power, and are doing their best to nip such alternative energy sources in the bud.

I pray to Thor that Elon Musk hurries up and puts his new solar shingles on the market, so we can all start generating our own power and tell our respective energy companies to go F themselves.