That's Methed Up!

This week the city of Albuquerque unveiled bronze statues of Walter White and Jesse Pinkman, the main characters from the Breaking Bad TV series.

Holy crap! Talk about missing the point!

The city does realize these two characters were ruthless meth dealers, right? Who regularly cooked and sold the stuff, and killed anyone who got in their way? 

What better way to honor the city than by commemorating a couple of criminals!

Mayor Tim Keller said he authorized the statues because both Breaking Bad and its prequel Better Call Saul have jump-started a film renaissance in New Mexico. That may well be, but surely there was a better way to call attention to the city?

I can't wait for other cities to erect similar statues to other TV characters, such as Hannibal Lecter, Joffrey Baratheon, Vern Schillinger, JR Ewing and Negan!

Remember His Name

The upcoming Star Trek 3 (or 13, depending on how you count them) has been in the news quite a bit the past few months. Back in December, Paramount Pictures announced they were firing director Roberto Orci, co-writer of the execrable Star Trek Into Darkness (the one with Not-Khan in it) and replacing him with Justin Lin, director of four of the Fast & Furious films. Because Lord knows, if there's one thing a cerebral sci-fi series like Star Trek needs, it's more souped-up muscle cars and over the top, high-speed chase scenes.

Apparently the studio's really fed up with Orci, because last month they announced they were torpedoing his script and hiring actor Simon Pegg, who's played Scotty in the previous two films, as screenwriter for the new opus. Pegg co-wrote the Cornetto Trilogy (Shaun Of The Dead, Hot Fuzz and The World's End) along with the sci-fi comedy Paul. Pegg is also a professionally butt-hurt celebrity, who responded to fan criticisms of Into Darkness by saying, "It absolutely isn't the worst Star Trek movie. It's asinine, you know? It's ridiculous. And frustrating. To be subject to that level of sort of, like, crass f*cking ire, I just say f*ck you." Wise words indeed from a true professional.

Star Trek 3 was in the news yet again this week, as rumors are flying that the film's main villain will be a male, and Paramount is reportedly looking for a "Bryan Cranston-like" actor to play him. Bryan Cranston-like? What the hell does that even mean? Someone? Anyone? Did I really just read that?

Surely they mean they want a "Walter White-like" villain, right? Someone who's a ruthless criminal mastermind and murderer? Yes? Please tell me that's what they really mean?

Or perhaps they're going against expectations and they want a villain who's similar to the bumbling but well-meaning Hal from Malcolm In The Middle? Or Snizard from Mighty Morphin' Power Rangers?

Who knows, maybe they really do want a villain who's just like the real life Bryan Cranston. I've never thought of him as particularly evil, as he appears to be a decent person who's very accommodating to his fans, but what do I know? Maybe he's got a mean streak no one knows about.

Paramount is desperate to get the film into theaters by next year at all costs, as 2016 marks the 50th Anniversary of the premiere of the original Star Trek series. Based on these current news reports and updates, I have utter confidence that it'll be a fine piece of cinema.

What Are Jittery Soccer Moms Offended By This Week?

This week, Susan Schrivjer, a Florida mother with way too much time on her hands, entered her local Toys R Us store and was appalled to find out that they actually sell toys.

Schrivjer, who really needs to learn how to spell her last name, was shocked and stunned when she saw Breaking Bad action figures on the shelves. She predictably started a petition protesting the sale of such items in a children's toy store.

"Toys R Us is well known around the world for their vast selection of toys for children of all ages. However their decision to sell a Breaking Bad doll, complete with a detachable sack of cash and a bag of meth, alongside children's toys is a dangerous deviation from their family friendly values" said Schrivjer, who is renowned for knowing what's best for the rest of the country.

"Kids mimic their action figures, if you will," said the well known stick-in-the-mud. "Do you want your child in an orange jumpsuit?"

Jesus wept. This is why we can't have nice things. 

First of all, what a timely observation, Ms. Schrivjer! These figures have been hanging on the pegs at Toys R Us for at least two years now, and nobody said boo until now. I'd say that's a good indication they're not going to cause the downfall of our civilization.

Second, if your kid, or any other kid wants one of these figures, which I find unlikely, whatever happened to saying "no?" Saying no and letting the rest of the population get on with their lives, instead of trying to force your uptight values on the rest of us.

She's really gonna need her fainting couch when she finds out they sell Game Of Thrones and Walking Dead figures as well!

Look morons, here's the deal. Whether you like it or not, some comics are for adults, some video games are for adults, and some toys are for adults. Get that through your heads. That's the way it's been for many years.

These toys are clearly made for adult collectors. Adult as in grown up, not as in "bowm chica bowm bowm." They're in the adult collector aisle, which is a thing at Toys R Us, and they're plainly marked as being for adults. 

No kid is going to want these toys anyway. Kids want superheroes and Power Ranger figures. They have zero interest in an unarticulated figure of a grizzled guy in a hazmat suit. If they even see these figures at all, they're going to glance at them for a second and then move on.

How the hell would a kid even know what they are in the first place? If your kid is watching Breaking Bad, you've got bigger problems that what Toys R Us stocks on its shelves.

I don't get why this panicky busybody's opinion carries so much weight in the first place. So she doesn't like what Toys R Us sells. So don't shop there! Go to Target or Walmart and let the rest of us live our lives, free of her misguided beliefs. Why doesn't Toys R Us just tell her to go pound sand and be done with it?

If the Jittery Soccer Mom Brigade really wants something to fuel their outrage, what about the entire aisle of Burly Men In Speedos, er, I mean the Wrestler Figure aisle marketed toward little boys?

Or Mattel's line of slutty Bratz dolls. Surely those aren't sending out a positive message. Where's all the sturm and drang over those?

As if all this wasn't enough, Toys R Us announced today that they're caving and pulling the Breaking Bad figures from their stores nationwide. Sigh. 

Damn you, Toys R Us. God damn you and the lily-livered, cowardly giraffe you rode in on. One brittle, overprotective helicopter parent complains because she fears her precious snowflake is going to see a flippin' toy and immediately start cooking meth, and you fold like a cheap card table.

Shame on you, and everyone who supported this nut job and her asinine petition.