Remember His Name

The upcoming Star Trek 3 (or 13, depending on how you count them) has been in the news quite a bit the past few months. Back in December, Paramount Pictures announced they were firing director Roberto Orci, co-writer of the execrable Star Trek Into Darkness (the one with Not-Khan in it) and replacing him with Justin Lin, director of four of the Fast & Furious films. Because Lord knows, if there's one thing a cerebral sci-fi series like Star Trek needs, it's more souped-up muscle cars and over the top, high-speed chase scenes.

Apparently the studio's really fed up with Orci, because last month they announced they were torpedoing his script and hiring actor Simon Pegg, who's played Scotty in the previous two films, as screenwriter for the new opus. Pegg co-wrote the Cornetto Trilogy (Shaun Of The Dead, Hot Fuzz and The World's End) along with the sci-fi comedy Paul. Pegg is also a professionally butt-hurt celebrity, who responded to fan criticisms of Into Darkness by saying, "It absolutely isn't the worst Star Trek movie. It's asinine, you know? It's ridiculous. And frustrating. To be subject to that level of sort of, like, crass f*cking ire, I just say f*ck you." Wise words indeed from a true professional.

Star Trek 3 was in the news yet again this week, as rumors are flying that the film's main villain will be a male, and Paramount is reportedly looking for a "Bryan Cranston-like" actor to play him. Bryan Cranston-like? What the hell does that even mean? Someone? Anyone? Did I really just read that?

Surely they mean they want a "Walter White-like" villain, right? Someone who's a ruthless criminal mastermind and murderer? Yes? Please tell me that's what they really mean?

Or perhaps they're going against expectations and they want a villain who's similar to the bumbling but well-meaning Hal from Malcolm In The Middle? Or Snizard from Mighty Morphin' Power Rangers?

Who knows, maybe they really do want a villain who's just like the real life Bryan Cranston. I've never thought of him as particularly evil, as he appears to be a decent person who's very accommodating to his fans, but what do I know? Maybe he's got a mean streak no one knows about.

Paramount is desperate to get the film into theaters by next year at all costs, as 2016 marks the 50th Anniversary of the premiere of the original Star Trek series. Based on these current news reports and updates, I have utter confidence that it'll be a fine piece of cinema.

The Needs Of The Shareholders Outweigh The Needs Of The Fans

This week Paramount Studios announced they've fired Roberto Orci as director of Star Trek 3 (or 13, depending on how you count them) and have hired Justin Lin to helm the sequel. Lin previously directed four of the Fast & Furious films.

Because if there's one thing a cerebral sci-fi series like Star Trek needs, it's more souped-up muscle cars and over the top, high-speed chase scenes. 

On the other hand, I guess he can't screw it up any worse than Orci would have. Make that already has, since he co-wrote the previous two films.

Looking forward to seeing Vin Diesel as Spock and the hologram of Paul Walker as Capt. Kirk.

This Week In Star Trek News: Roberto Orci

Now that J.J. Abrams is off ruining directing Star Wars, the fine folks over at Paramount need someone to step up and destroy helm Star Trek 3. But who could they find for such an important job? Someone with plenty of experience in handling large casts and tons of special effects, right?

Wrong. This week they tapped none other than surly Trek screenwriter Roberto Orci, who's never directed a film in his life.

In a recent interview, Orci announced that in this third Trek outing the characters "will be closer to their television incarnations than in previous films."

I have a horrible feeling that when Orci says "closer to their television incarnations," he's talking about the Third Season. It's the only thing that makes sense. You mark my words.

Orci went on to say, "The first two films – especially the 2009 film – was an origin story. It was about them coming together. So they weren’t the characters they were in the original series. They were growing into them and that continues on in the second movie." 

Apart from employing some appalling grammar, did we really need a two film origin story? Is there anything about these characters – who everyone already knows inside and out – that needed to be stretched out over the course of two separate movies? No. The answer is no.

But Paramount didn't ask me what I think, so they're going with Orci, who will no doubt pump out another subpar film that inexplicably grosses hundreds of millions of dollars, and hammers the final nails into Star Trek's coffin lid. 

Mark my words – it's gonna be about singing Space Hippies.

Butt-Hurt Celebrity Of The Week

This week Star Trek Into Darkness co-writer Roberto Orci became the second celebrity involved with the film to lash out at fans who had the unmitigated gall to suggest it might possibly be less than perfect. His message? Another hale and hearty "F@ck off!"

In an online interview conducted on September 1, Orci had this to say to fans who think the Trek franchise is "broken:"

"I think the article above is akin to a child acting out against his parents. Makes it tough for some to listen, but since I am a loving parent, I read these comments without anger or resentment, no matter how misguided.

Having said that, two biggest Star Treks in a row with best reviews is hardly a description of 'broken'. And frankly, your tone and attitude make it hard for me to listen to what might otherwise be decent notions to pursue in the future."

Orci then added:

As I love to say, there is a reason why I get to write the movies, and you don't.

Wow. Mocking your fans because they don't have cool jobs in Hollywood doesn't exactly scream "professional." Stay classy, Roberto Orci.

So when did it become a federal offense to criticize a movie, for Polanski's sake? Is difference of opinion now a crime? Must I have nothing but high praise for every banal and mediocre remake that pollutes the cineplex? Am I no longer allowed to think for myself?

You and your fellow butt-hurt celebrities are not elected officials, Mr. Orci. Unlike the President, you don't get to start World War III despite what the public wants. You're just a guy whose job is to make up stories about men who fly a spaceship in their pajamas.

Every precious nugget that emerges from your orifice and splashes noisily into the bowl isn't made of gold, Mr. Orci. Art is highly subjective. One man's masterpiece is another's bird cage lining. Always has been, always will be.

The fact that your films have inexplicably made obscene amounts of money doesn't mean they're good either. It just means the general public is willing to pay to sit through anything. Why do you care what people think anyway? You probably go home at night and sleep on a bed made from gold bars and cover yourself with a blanket of pure panda skin.

I know what you're thinking, Mr. Orci: Haters Gonna Hate. That's very true. But it doesn't mean they're wrong.

Orci has since issued a half-hearted Twitter apology saying his statements were "not his finest moments." Too late, Roberto! It's already out there. You said, it, you can't unsay it. 

In the meantime I'm strongly leaning towards letting Star Trek 3 watch itself.