On Second Thought, Never Mind

Last week I noted that the Cornavirus Apocalypse has closed every cineplex in the country, making it literally impossible to see a movie on the big screen. I said this would be the perfect time for Drive-in movie theaters to make a comeback.

Imagine my surprise then when I went online this week and saw this! Apparently I'm not the only one who thought of this. Great minds think alike, I guess!

Of course Drive-Ins aren't a perfect solution to the problem. In fact the more I thought about it, the more I realized they'd be a temporary fix at best.

See, Drive-Ins are a fair weather activity. Even though you watch a movie from the comfort of your car at a Drive-In, your vehicle is still sitting outside. Meaning there'd be no movies when it's raining or storming. Unless you want to peer at the screen through your windshield wipers.

Heat's a problem as well. If it's 100° outside, that's how hot it's gonna be in your car. Many Drive-Ins offer double or even triple features, meaning you'll be there for five or six hours. You can't very well turn on your AC for that long, so you'll have to roll down the windows and stew in your own juices.

And the opposite's true in the winter. You can't run your heater for hours at a time, and you can't sit in a car when it's 18° outside. 

And let us not forget the fact that Drive-Ins can only show movies at night. No matinees at an outdoor theater! That's severely limit the number of showings per day.

So Drive-Ins aren't the answer to Hollywood's desperate prayers after all. Unless they figure out a way to put a roof over the lot, enclose it and pump in cooled or heated air. They could call these new venues "movie theaters!"

Social Distancing

Now that we're in the thick of the Coronavirus Apocalypse, pretty much every movie theater in the country has shut down for the foreseeable future. Egad! Now where we will go to see quality, award-winning features like Bloodshot, The Hunt, Harley Quinn: Birds Of Prey, Brahms: The Boy II and Impractical Jokers: The Movie?

OK, so no one wanted to see any of those even before the world ended. But there're a lot of decent upcoming films that movie fans were looking forward to, such as A Quiet Place Part II, Mulan, No Time To Die and Black Widow.

With the normal outlet for their product gone, studios are scrambling to try and recoup as much of their investments in these films as they can. To that end, they're reportedly moving many current films to the various streaming services as soon as possible. Their hope is that the public will pay to watch these flicks in the privacy of their quarantined homes.

That's all well and good, but I have another solution. Wouldn't this be the perfect time for Drive-In movie theaters to make a comeback?

Think about it! You could sit in the privacy of your own vehicle while watching a film on a truly massive screen. No more noisy moviegoers ruining your experience. No sullen teens staring at the phones all through the run time. No babies shrieking at the top of their lungs. It'd be paradise!

And if you're one of those people who insist on talking, using your phone and bringing your baby whether you should or not, you could do so in your car without bothering anyone else. Win-win!

And you wouldn't even have to risk catching the virus by going to the snack bar. Just bring your own food!

This solution wouldn't help people in big cities, since there aren't a lot of Drive-Ins in downtown New York or LA. But in the heartland, this could be a godsend!