Love In The Time Of Coronavirus

The holiday season is fast approaching, so you know what that means— the Hallmark Channel will be airing several hundred Xmas-themed TV movies! Each with the exact same "Small Town Girl Meets Uptight City Guy And Teaches Him The True Meaning Of Xmas" plot!

But there's a snag this year— how do you solve the problem of filming intimate love scenes in the middle of a deadly pandemic?

Why, by placing a plexiglass barrier between the actors' lips, of course! Then they can smooch to their hearts' content while still maintaining social distancing. Then all that's left to do is erase the barrier in post. Simple!

Sigh... I don't know whether to laugh of blow my brains out.

Mask Up!

This week The CW released a series of posters depicting the stars of their various Arrowverse shows wearing masks (even though many of them are already wearing masks of another kind), to promote proper pandemic safety.

Good for them! I'm all for anything that'll encourage the rabble to take the disease seriously. I don't mind wearing a mask in public, but I'd rather not have to do it the rest of my life, thanks.

Note the ominous caption at the bottom of each poster that reads, "Coming 2021." That means we'll get no new episodes of any Arrowverse shows the rest of this year! Jesus Christ! Thanks, Covid-19!

Nice to see Barry Allen masking up, though one would think his "speed healing" powers would eliminate his need for one.

And what about Supergirl and Superman? Can Kryptonians catch the coronavirus? If anything, we should be wary of catching some alien bug from them! Go ahead and wear those masks, guys!

Could Black Lightning use his electrical-based powers to fry the virus out of his body? You know, like shining a light up your ass or injecting bleach, much like a certain orange politician once suggested?

Wow, looks like the pandemic's a thing over on Earth-2 as well! Stargirl is from a completely different Earth in another universe!

Oh god, imagine the damage the Legends could do if they didn't wear masks! They have a timeship, and regularly travel to the past! They could spread Covid all throughout history!

Good to see that our Lord and Master Beebo is wise enough to mask up as well!

Not that it matters, but it appears this wasn't a specially commissioned photo shoot. As you can see above, it looks like they took pre-existing promotional images and Photoshopped masks onto them. They did an excellent job though, matching the lighting and angles and such. It's impossible to tell the masks aren't real. Well done!

It's The End Of The World As We Know It, And I Feel Cheated

For as long as I can remember, I've always known that the end of the world would occur in my lifetime. 

Over the years I've often wondered what form the end would take and what role I would play in it.

Would I go out battling a relentless horde of undead zombies?

Would I stare in horror as mushroom clouds erupted on the horizon?

Or would I gaze up helplessly at the sky as a meteor bore down on Earth?

Looks like it's none of those. Instead I'm apparently destined to spend my last days trying to convince some internet asshole to wear a goddamned face mask when he goes out shopping.

Red Letter Day

If you're one of those people whose Economic Stimulus Check is being mailed to your home, have I got good news for you! In addition to the check, you'll also be receiving a personalized letter from the Embarrassment-In-Chief, donald j. trump. 

In the letter, he proudly boasts— in no uncertain terms— about the fact that he's sending you money to tide you over until the nationwide lockdown is over. Of course he left out the part where he wouldn't need to send out checks to everyone if he'd done his goddamned job properly in the first place, but that's a story for another day.

Regardless of the reason for the letter, I'm sure many citizens will be happy to receive it. It'll be a godsend to those who still can't find toilet paper in their local groceries.

Cleans Inside And Out!

You wouldn't think we'd need a government official to specifically announce this, but that's where we are these days.

This is what happens when we stop teaching science in schools.

"In These Uncertain Times"

Ever since I got a Roku four or five years ago, I've pretty much stopped watching "live" TV. Sure, I'll catch the occasional network show, such as The Flash, Legends Of Tomorrow or The Orville (when it airs once a decade). But for the most part, it's streaming for the win here at Stately Canada Manor!

As a result of all that streaming, I don't see a lot of commercials anymore, so I have no idea what's going on in the world of TV advertising.

Last week I watched live TV for the first time since the viral apocalypse lockdown began, and HOLY CRAP! For two hours, literally EVERY commercial I saw had a coronavirus theme! EVERY. One.

I bet I heard the phrases "In these uncertain/difficult/unprecedented times," "We've always been there for you," "Now more than ever," "We're still together even though we're apart," and of course, "We're here to help" at least a hundred times.

And every commercial was exactly the same. Somber piano music playing over shots of empty streets, followed by images of families huddled together in their warmly lit homes, along with scenes of hospital staff and delivery workers risking their lives while doing their jobs. All accompanied by a reassuring voiceover, telling us that everything will be OK.

The astonishing repetition became hypnotic after a while.

It doesn't take a genius to see right through these ads. Look just below the surface of all these, "We've got your back" messages, and you'll see companies that are hanging on by a thread, and desperately need us to continue buying their products.

I get it. But you're not my friend, Verizon Wireless. You're not gonna overlook it if I can't pay my bill this month, or send me a care package when I run out of food. Not even in these uncertain times.

Life Imitates Art Yet Again!

Last week, due to our country's interminable coronavirus lockdown, WKBN newscaster Dan Martin was broadcasting from a makeshift studio in his home. Unbeknownst to him though, his cat Duke decided to photobomb his report in the most brazen and provocative way possible. Whoops!

Swap out the cat for a dog, and Martin's broadcast is a dead ringer for a scene in Old Wounds, the first ever episode of The Orville. In the pilot, Captain Mercer receives a call from Professor Aronov, whose pet beagle enthusiastically licks its privates in the background.

More proof that our world is rapidly unraveling at the seams.

Office Space

Above is a look at my current "office," where I've been working for the past... two weeks? Three? I've honestly lost count. This spacious and luxurious workstation is located in my kitchen, for the duration of the Viral Apocalypse.

As anyone out there who's in the same situation is no doubt aware, working from home like this is not without its challenges. It's just me sitting alone in my kitchen, so I can't actually see by boss (make that BOSSES— I have dozens of them) or coworkers, which makes it tough to ask questions or check the status of projects. I also get about a hundred emails an hour, and have to sift through them all to figure out what the hell I'm supposed to be doing.

Add to that the fact that most home internet connections are nowhere near as fast or reliable as commercial ones, and it's a recipe for fun and excitement.

While I'm grateful I still have a job and am able to work from home, I'll be glad when this is all over. For some reason I'm working ten times harder here at home than I ever did in our building! I can't wait to get back to the office so I can relax!

Life Imitates Art

Above is a shot of the highway leading into downtown Atlanta during the Coronavirus Apocalypse. 

Hmm... that eerily empty road and that skyline remind me of something, but I can't quite figure out what...

Oh yeah. Now I remember. Jesus, did any of us ever dream we'd be living out a version of this show in our lifetimes? I know I didn't. Don't Dead, Open Inside!

OK, Now It's Personal UPDATE!

Last week I posted that The CW had shut down production on all its TV series, including The Flash and Legends Of Tomorrow.

I noted that Legends had already finished shooting their truncated 15 episode season before the lockdown began. I said that's not necessarily good news though, as they might not be able to finish the FX or editing.

Fortunately there's some good news for a change. Legends co-creator Mark Guggenheim recently tweeted that the show's post-production crew was diligently working from home on FX, sound and editing. Huzzah! So we should get a full, uninterrupted Season 5 of Legends after all. 

No word on what's happening with The Flash. They were reportedly shooting Episode 19 or 20 (of 22) when the lockdown happened. It's unknown when— or even IF— shooting will resume this year, and how that will affect the season. Especially since the series usually ends its seasons on a cliffhanger. Season 6 may just STOP instead of END, with no buildup to a dramatic finish.

Either way, both shows return with brand new episodes on Tuesday, April 21. 

And for anyone out there thinking there are far more important things out there to worry about than when a couple ferkakte TV shows come back— might I point out that the entire nation is currently trapped in their homes with their loved ones for... gods know how long. The public NEEDS fresh new content to watch, else families are gonna start murdering one another. 

Dammit, Dwight!

This mess is all Dwight's fault!

Hobbled Lobby

This week craft chain store Hobby Lobby announced that despite the fact that over ninety other retailers were temporarily shutting their doors during the Coronavirus Apocalypse, they were steadfastly and defiantly remaining open for business.

Critics immediately denounced the decision to stay open, calling it dangerous and irresponsible. When asked about the situation, Hobby Lobby founder David Green responded that he chose to keep the chain open because "God is in charge."

In a note to Hobby Lobby employees, Green said his wife Barbara (who he described as a "prayer warrior") received a message from the All-Knowing Deity. Said Green, "In her quiet prayer time this past week, the Lord put on Barbara's heart three profound words to remind us that he's in control. Guide, Guard and Groom. We serve a God who will Guide us through this storm, who will Guard us as we travel to places never seen before and who, as a result of this experience, will Groom us to be better than we could have ever thought possible before now."

Yeah, that's great, Dave, but how about you close your frakin' stores anyway and maybe not needlessly kill thousands so you can keep on selling silk flowers, picture frames and jigsaw puzzles.

This doesn't surprise me a bit. I worked for Hobby Lobby briefly back in 2012 when I was "between jobs." They love to tout themselves as a devoutly Christian company, but the reality is they're just as cutthroat as any business out there— if not more so. Their holiness is all surface level at best.

As proof you need look no further than the fact that they're willingly risking the lives of every one of their employees and the community's they're in, just to keep the cash flowing and the shareholders happy.

And David? If your god really is "in control," then I'd like to speak with his manager. I have a problem with the way he's been running the world lately.

UPDATE:
I've been on lockdown and working at home for a week now. I had to venture out to my real office today for something, and on the way I passed my local Hobby Lobby. It appeared to be closed, as there wasn't a single car in their parking lot. Maybe it's up to each individual manager as to whether they close or not? Or maybe god appeared to Barbara Green again and told her to close her ferkakta stores already.

OK, Now It's Personal!

This week The CW announced that in light of the viral apocalypse, both The Flash and Legends Of Tomorrow are suspending production until further notice. Yikes!

According to unit manager Brent Crowell, everyone associated with the shows have been advised not to report to work, and it's unclear just when they may resume filming.

At this time it's uncertain just how many episodes of The Flash have been filmed. Rumor has it they were shooting Episode 19 or 20 when the shutdown hit. There were 22 episodes planned for this season.

That could throw a wrench into the works when production resumes. Do they keep going and finish the season, or just stop at Episode 19? Given the fact that they typically end each season on a big cliffhanger, I'd think they'd have to finish. Time will tell, I guess.

The situation's better for Legends, as they reportedly finished filming their 15 episode season. So the shutdown shouldn't affect them. On the other hand it's possible they could still face a delay, as the editing and  the FX may not have been completed.

The Orville has also supposedly shut down production on Season 3 as well. Welp, they just shut down every stinkin' TV show I still watch! Expect a lot fewer posts for the duration. Damn you, coronavirus!

J'Accuse!!!

This is the face of everyone around me now whenever I lightly cough for any reason.

Social Distancing

Now that we're in the thick of the Coronavirus Apocalypse, pretty much every movie theater in the country has shut down for the foreseeable future. Egad! Now where we will go to see quality, award-winning features like Bloodshot, The Hunt, Harley Quinn: Birds Of Prey, Brahms: The Boy II and Impractical Jokers: The Movie?

OK, so no one wanted to see any of those even before the world ended. But there're a lot of decent upcoming films that movie fans were looking forward to, such as A Quiet Place Part II, Mulan, No Time To Die and Black Widow.

With the normal outlet for their product gone, studios are scrambling to try and recoup as much of their investments in these films as they can. To that end, they're reportedly moving many current films to the various streaming services as soon as possible. Their hope is that the public will pay to watch these flicks in the privacy of their quarantined homes.

That's all well and good, but I have another solution. Wouldn't this be the perfect time for Drive-In movie theaters to make a comeback?

Think about it! You could sit in the privacy of your own vehicle while watching a film on a truly massive screen. No more noisy moviegoers ruining your experience. No sullen teens staring at the phones all through the run time. No babies shrieking at the top of their lungs. It'd be paradise!

And if you're one of those people who insist on talking, using your phone and bringing your baby whether you should or not, you could do so in your car without bothering anyone else. Win-win!

And you wouldn't even have to risk catching the virus by going to the snack bar. Just bring your own food!

This solution wouldn't help people in big cities, since there aren't a lot of Drive-Ins in downtown New York or LA. But in the heartland, this could be a godsend!