Fall Festival 2012 Memories!

Last week marked the 91st annual West Side Nut Club Fall Festival here in Evansville (or as the kids call it, "Eville").

After parking several miles away and hiking to scenic Franklin Street, attendees were welcomed to the Festival by the lovable Unauthorized Off-Model Dora The Explorer Analogue.

Unauthorized Off-Model Dora The Explorer Analogue was apparently the Official Mascot of the Festival this year, as she was visible everywhere. Here she is with her sidekick Really Off-Model Not-Diego.

 

Of course every year the main attraction of the Festival is its tasty and unusual food offerings. Here we see one of the many exotic and delicious culinary delights available this year: the ever popular Meat Wad. If you're the adventuresome type, you could opt for the Meat Wad Inferno. Spicy!

If eating's not your thing, why not seek out some of the bright new talent on display at one of the two stages in the center of the Festival? Feel awkward and uncomfortable as you watch a six year old girl, clad in a spangled bikini and fishnet tights, belt out Gloria Gaynor's feminist anthem "I Will Survive!"

The Festival features plenty of carnival games to test your skills. Among the many prizes one could win this year was the popular cartoon character Ganjy, The Stoned Rastafarian Penguin. Uh-oh, Ganjy! Those eyes are looking pretty red! You'd better whip out the Visine before Officer McNulty sees them!

Don't forget to try out the many exciting and breathtaking carnival rides along the midway! The Festival features the scariest thrill rides in the Tri-State, assembled by a crack team of (for the most part) sober, unqualified temporary carnival workers!*

*Whoops! That's just a joke, Midway Entertainment, Inc.! I'm sure you have a highly trained staff of dedicated workers who put customer safety first! There, that ought to prevent a lawsuit.

The operative word at this year's Festival was crowds! Lots and lots of crowds. A veritable sea of teaming multitudes attempting to waddle down the street while eating a brain sandwich with one hand and smoking a stale cigarette in the other.

Franklin Street was closed to vehicular traffic for the event, with the exception of sanitation trucks. At one point I saw several garbage trucks carefully picking their way through the densely packed crowd. It reminded me of something, but I can't quite remember what it was...

Oh yeah. Now I remember.

Every year the Nut Club proudly touts the statistic that the Evansville Fall Festival is the second largest street festival in the country, right after Mardis Gras.

As always, I'm somewhat skeptical of this claim. I understand why the Nut Club latches onto it, as it's good publicity, but... it just seems unlikely.

Every year Mardis Gras in New Orleans gets around one million visitors. The Fall Festival gets between 100,000 and 150,000. That's a pretty precipitous drop off. Is there really absolutely nothing that falls in between these two events?

Maybe I'd have an easier time believing it if I had more info. What exactly are the Fall Festival people measuring? The total attendance of the week long event? Is it the amount of land covered by the booths and midway? Are they taking into account the sheer tonnage of the crowd? Are they using some qualifier to get the total, such as Second Largest Street Festival With The Word "Nut" In The Name? Who knows?

Supposedly the whole "second largest" deal was started by the late radio personality Paul Harvey. That explains a lot right there. Mr. Harvey was a popular commentator but few could deny that he was a bit...  eccentric.

"In other news: The annual West Side Nut Club Fall Festival started this week in Evansville, Indiana. It's the second largest street festival in the country, right after New Orleans' own Mardis Gras. Friends, you'll find the world's largest Festival Of Savings when you shop at your neighborhood True Value Hardware store!  Page...................................................TWO!!!"

Fall Festival 2011

Well, last week's 2011 Evansville Fall Festival (officially known as the Evansville West Side Nut Club Fall Festival) is now history. This year marked the 90th anniversary of the festival.

According to the West Side Nut Club, the Fall Festival is the second largest street fest in the U.S., right after Mardis Gras. I have no proof to dispute that claim; nevertheless I am somewhat skeptical. It seems hard to believe there's nothing between Mardis Gras' million person attendance and the Fall Festival's 150,000.

Some helpful tips for attending the Fall Festival: If at all possible, teleport to the entrance. Because this is a street festival that's held near a residential area, there is no adequate parking anywhere within miles. A second option would be to buy a home along the Festival street, so you can just exit your front door into the festivities.

Also if possible, go at nighttime. The Southern Indiana sun is a cruel and harsh mistress and she will relentlessly beat down on you, even in October. There is precious little shade, and what small amount there is will be occupied by slug-like beings on mobility scooters.

Feel free to bring your infant children and toddlers to the festival, but don't even think about pushing them around in an average, everyday stroller. Such a puny contraption would never survive the thick Festival crowds. Instead, several weeks before the festival, acquire a large, four person aluminum row boat and weld wheels to its side and a handle on the back. Now you've got the perfect sized vehicle in which to push your young one through the teeming crowds. The other festival goers won't mind you running over their feet or blocking their paths with your elaborate rig, because the comfort of your precious little snowflake is all that matters!

The Fall Festival is an outdoor event, so feel free to smoke to your heart's content-- don't worry about the other attendees. In fact, light as many cigarettes as possible! Hand them out to non-smokers and ask them to join in the fun and light up too! Envelope the entire West Side in a thick, noxious nicotine haze. The crowd's lungs will thank you.

When passing a counterfeit twenty dollar bill to an attendant in a food booth to show a little pride in your work! Print your fake twenties on high-quality archival bond, not cheap everyday printer paper. The attendant will recognize quality when they see it and may even compliment your craftsmanship.

Here are a few shots from this year's festivities.

I took these shots with my ancient ten year old digital camera; steadying it by the high tech method of holding it against a nearby tree to help reduce the bluriness as much as possible.

Here we see an "A-Hole" Smoked Turkey Leg. Seems a bit rude to me. What's that? I'm sorry, that should be "A WHOLE."

 

Just a few of the prizes you could win at the Festival. They're not pictured, but there was a lot of (probably knockoff) Angry Birds merchandise on display this year.

Did you know that if you approach one of the delightful carnies and just ask if you can purchase one of the prizes, they'll usually sell you one? You'll probably end up spending a lot less money that way.

The Fall Festival is known for its unusual food fare. Here we see a genuine "boneless" hot dog. My mind is positively reeling right now with dirty joke possibilities.

By the way, the signature dish of the Fesitival is the world famous mouth-watering Brain Sandwich. Did I say mouth watering? Sorry, I meant violent projectile vomiting. Seriously, people will stand in line for hours to get a brain sandwich. I've never tried one. And I never will.

 

Here I am trying to be arty. 

More artyness. 

Here we see a group of thill seekers riding one of the many carnival attractions. I believe this one is called the Vominator.

At one booth you could win a cuddly stuffed teddy bear dressed in a Department Of Corrections orange jumpsuit. Preparing the youth of today for their futures, perhaps?

 

Here's a photo series of the Freak Out ride in motion. I'm getting queasy just looking at it.

Mmm-mmm good! I'll have a Dirty Diaper, and my girlfriend will have a Chunky Diaper, please!

OK, I know these are intentionally "funny" names for these treats, but dear God, it's made with pumpkin! Pumpkin filling already looks disturbingly like baby poo; you're not going to help your sales by reminding people of that fact.

Another shot of the Freak Out ride.

And the Freak Out sign. Again, I was jamming the camera against the side of a tree to try and steady it for these night shots. Who needs a tripod?

Here are some shots of the gaily lit ferris wheel, or as I call it, the Alti-Spit. Riding this attraction allows you to hawk a loogee on virtually anything you can see in every direction for blocks and blocks.

Get Your Red Hot Brains Here!

The annual Fall Festival is going on this week in my city of Evansville. You can get pretty much any kind of food there that you can think of, as long as it’s fried. The most popular item, and one of Evansville’s few claims to fame, is the Fried Brain Sandwich. They’re pork brains, by the way, not human. People will stand in line for hours for one of these sandwiches, as you can see above. Why, I have no idea. I’ve never tried one. And I never will. I know what you’re thinking. “But Bob, you spent two weeks in China. You ate octopus and cow stomach! Why are you balking at a simple pig brain patty?” You’re right. I did eat octopus and cow stomach in China. But I’ve got to draw the line somewhere, and pig brains on a bun is it. There’s just something about the idea of eating the brain of a once-living creature that makes me queasy. Maybe it’s something to do with all the zombie movies I’ve seen over the years.    There’s also the matter of the smell. You can smell the brains frying as you walk through the Festival. It’s a horrible, gag-inducing smell. Imagine a wet dog wearing moldy gym socks, rolled in batter, dipped in mushrooms and then fried in hot oil and you’ll have an idea of what they smell like. Fans of the sandwich will defend it with their lives, and that’s fine. Diversity is what made this country great before it fell apart. Just keep your brain sandwich as far away from me as possible. Downwind, too.