Tales From The Video Store: Bloated

Unlike the majority of the world, I don't go in for all this convenient video-on-demand and FlixNet nonsense. Nosiree! Give me an old fashioned, inconvenient Video Store any day! The farther away from my house the better! You just never know what you're gonna find— or see— when you browse the Video Store!

This Tale From The Video Store is 100% true.

There's a video store just a few blocks from my house, and for some reason it seems to attract a large... well, let's call it a hillbilly contingent. While I was browsing the shelves one day, a very large hillbilly gal plodded in. She had a huge head with dull, cow-like eyes and was decked out in her finest stained sweatpants. She wandered around the store for a few minutes, talking loudly to herself in a raspy voice deeper than mine.

She was looking for Bridesmaids, and of course didn't have the slightest idea where to find it. Apparently alphabetical order isn't part of the Hillbilly School curriculum. She then plowed her way between me and the shelf I was browsing like I wasn't even there, and asked the clerk where to find her film. 

The clerk told her, "It's over there on the far wall, with all the other movies that start with B." Hillbilly Gal then waddled in front of me a second time, again like I wasn't there. She picked up the DVD case and shambled back in front of me a third time.

The clerk said, "Oh, you just picked up the box. I need the disk too!" So Hillbilly Gal clip-clopped in front of me for an astonishing fourth time. This time though she bleated, "Ohhh, I don't feel like walking all around this big store when I'm bloated! I'm bloaaaaaaaaaated!"

"I say, miss. You're obviously a creature of elegance and refinement, who appreciates the finer things. I'm new in town and looking for a good charm school for my daughter. I wonder if I could trouble you to recommend a good one!"

It Came From The Video Store: Snowpiercer

Snowpiercer was written by Bong Joon-ho and Kelly Masterson, and directed by Bong Joon-ho.

Bong previously directed The Host (the one about the giant mutant fish monster, not the horrible Stephanie Meyer thing). Snowpiercer is his first English language film, which probably explains it's odd tone.

It's based on a French graphic novel that I've never heard of, which seems to happen a lot these days. In an interview Bong stated that he read the entire novel while standing in a bookstore and was so impressed he just had to turn it into a film. In fact he loved the material so much that he "had to come up with a completely new story and new characters in order to create a new, dynamic Snowpiercer that was packed with cinematic exhilaration." Ah, so he loved it so much he had to overhaul it entirely. Got it.

I heard about the film months before its eventual release, and was very much looking forward to seeing it. I was hoping for an introspective, intelligent sci-fi film, one that required the audience to think and didn't end with everything exploding. Instead what we got was a bizarre exercise in heavy-handed satire and surrealism that borders on farce. And of course everything blows up at the end.

Snowpiercer's concept of a socially stratified train is obviously meant as a metaphor for our own society. It's a microcosm of the world! The haves versus the have-nots! The 1% and all that. Unfortunately it's all a little too simplistic and heavy handed. It's a lot like one of Star Trek's infamous "message" episodes. You know, the kind where they introduce aliens whose bodies are black on one side and white on the other to tell us that racism is a bad thing.

The film also gives new meaning to the word "contrived." You've really got to bend over backwards (and then some) to accept the unlikely premise. 

The Weinstein Company acquired the American distribution rights for the film, which generated quite a bit of controversy. Owner Harvey Weinstein didn't think Americans would understand the film and wanted to cut it by twenty minutes and add opening and closing monologues to explain the plot. 

Director Bong refused to alter the film, and when outraged film fans got wind of the scandal, they started a petition demanding it be screened uncut. This greatly incensed Weinstein, who agreed to release the uncut version of the film— but only in a scant eight theaters in June of 2014. That'll show 'em, Harvey! Spite that old face!

PIERCING SPOILERS AHEAD!

The Plot:

In the unimaginably far off year of 2014, scientists attempt to counter the effects of global warming by releasing a chemical into the upper atmosphere that will cool things down. Unfortunately the process backfires, plunging Earth into a new Ice Age and wiping out nearly all life. It's now impossible for humans to survive outside, and the only survivors are the passengers of the Snowpiercer, a high tech train powered by a perpetual motion engine, invented by an eccentric billionaire named Wilford. 

The Snowpiercer travels on a specially built, globe-spanning track, making one complete circuit every year. A class system evolves on the train, with— you guessed it— the wealthy and elite inhabiting the posh front cars, while the rabble is relegated to the back. The elite enjoy a life of luxury and plenty, while the lower class predictably lives in squalor and survives on rationed nutrient blocks.

In 2031 (the year the story takes place), tension is running high in the tail section. Gilliam (played by John Hurt, giving new meaning to the word grizzled), the leader of the Tailers and co-inventor of the Snowpiercer, urges Curtis Everett (Chris Evans) to lead a revolt and storm the front of the train and take it over. Just then guards from the front arrive to harvest children for some unknown purpose. They take Timmy, the son of a woman named Tanya (Octavia Spencer). This is the last straw for the Tailers, and they begin their revolt.

The Tailer rebels make their way through several train cars to the prison section. There they find Namgoong Minsu, the man who designed Snowpiercer's security system and can help them get to the front of the train. Well that was certainly convenient! Namgoong and his teen daughter Yona are addicted to Kronole, a substance made from train engine byproducts that's both a drug and an explosive (!). The rebels promise the two an unlimited supply of Kronole for their help.

The rebels capture Minister Mason (Tilda Swinton) who's Wilford's right hand man, er, woman, and use her as a hostage to move toward the front. Everything goes smoothly until they reach a car filled with armed men. In the resulting melee, Gilliam is killed, along with Curtis' second in command Edgar (Jamie Bell). Curtis then kills Mason in retaliation.

During a lull in the battles (and the plot), Namgoong tells Curtis that every year the train passes a crashed plane buried in the snow, and each year the plane has become a bit more visible. He believes Earth is starting to warm up again, and survival outside is now possible.

Curtis' decimated band of rebels eventually reaches the engine room of the train, where they meet the mysterious and reclusive Wilford (Ed Harris). Wilford explains that he and Gilliam have been secretly working together for years, and periodically orchestrate rebellions as a means of population control onboard the train. Things got a little out of control this time though, and Wilford lost too many from his side, which is why he ordered Gilliam to be killed. Wilford feels he's becoming too old for this kind of thing, and wants Curtis to take his place as the train's leader. Curtis refuses.

Yona pulls up a floor panel in the engine room and discovers Timmy inside. Apparently Wilford is using Tailer child labor to replace the train's aging and failing components. Curtis jams his arm into the whirling gears to stop them long enough for Timmy to escape. Yona detonates her supply of Kronole to destroy the engine. The explosion causes an avalanche, which derails the train and destroys all of the cars. Yona and Timmy emerge from the wreckage, the only survivors and the last of the human race. Outside for the first time in their lives, they survey the vast snowy wilderness. Yona spots a polar bear in the distance, indicating that life is returning to the world and survival is possible (if highly unlikely).

Thoughts:

• As regular readers of my blog already know, one of my pet peeves is when a "futuristic" movie full of advanced technology or radical societal changes takes place too close to the present day. Nowhere is that problem more prevalent than here. 

The movie begins in 2014 for poop's sake, when mankind accidentally causes a new ice age. The only survivors are the passengers of the Snowpiercer, which means it had to have been built prior to the disaster. 

The Snowpiercer is a super advanced train powered by a perpetual motion engine (which is physically impossible), traveling around the globe on a mammoth, specially constructed circular track. That means they probably started building the track back in, oh, I don't know, 1990 maybe? Earlier? Think about how much engineering would be involved in building a track that circles the planet and crosses oceans. It'd take decades and cost billions. Maybe more. 

Obviously we have nothing remotely close to this technology now. So why set it so close to the present? Why not set it in 2114?

The only way this story can work is if it's set in some parallel world, which automatically distances it from the audience, making it harder to care about what's happening.

• Director Bong Joon-ho was reluctant to hire Chris Evans to play Curtis, due to his imposing Captain America physique. Curtis is supposed to be starving after all, along with the rest of the tail passengers. Bong eventually relented and they dressed Evans in loose-fitting clothing to help hide his build.

Evans does a great job in the film. There was a time when I thought he was little more than a male model, but he's surprised me lately and is actually a pretty good actor.

• Speaking of starving, for someone whose food has been rationed every day for 18 years, Tanya looks very... full bodied.

• Tilda Swinton plays Minister Mason, Wilford's second in command. Many fans of the film were miffed that Swinton wasn't nominated for Best Actress for her role as Mason. 

Personally I don't blame the Academy. Her bizarre performance was much too cartoonish to take seriously. She gives new meaning to the phrase "over the top." Swinton claims she played Mason "as a mix of Margaret Thatcher, Gaddafi and Hitler," but it seemed more like Jane Hathaway filtered through Monty Python to me.

• Sing Kang-ho (who plays Namgoong) and Go Ah-sung (who plays Yona) played father and daughter in Bong's previous film The Host.

• Curtis' second in command Edgar (played by Jamie Bell) is a train baby, meaning he was born inside the Snowpiercer and has never stepped foot outside. Yet he speaks with a very prominent Irish accent! So how'd he develop such a specific vocal trait in the train's homogeneous culture?

I suppose you could say he was raised by an Irish man or woman after his mother was killed and picked up the accent from them. I suppose you could say that, but...

• Curtis suspects the guards ran out of bullets long ago, and are threatening the Tailers with empty weapons. Feeling he has nothing to lose, he tests his theory by openly defying a guard who's pointing a gun at him. Luckily for Curtis, he's proved right— the guns have been empty for years.

Later on Wilford orders the guards to mow down 74% of the tail passengers, as a means of population control. So I guess they had bullets after all? Were they saving the bullets specifically for herd-thinning? And how does one estimate 74% while strafing a crowd of humans?

• Once a day guards distribute nasty-looking jellied nutrient blocks to the Tailers. Before the invention of these blocks, the tail passengers (including Curtis) actually turned to cannibalism to survive. 

During the revolt the Tailers enter the car where the nutrient blocks are manufactured, and discover they're made out of scuttling roaches. Curtis and the others are horrified down to their very cores and can barely keep from swooning at this appalling sight (despite the fact that millions of people consume insects on a regular basis).

So, let's see if I've got this straight: Eating human babies— eh, no big deal. Eating roach bars— the most disgusting, stomach-emptying thought that's possible. Got it.

• There's a potentially fatal plot hole in the film. When the Tailers start their revolt, Wilford, the leader of the Snowpiercer, apparently forgets they're on a train. All he had to do is simply uncouple the last car and BAM! No more Tailers and no more rebellion. Even better, he could have simply turned off the heat for a couple of hours and frozen the Tailers to death.

At the end of the film we find out there's a reason why Wilford doesn't do this, but it's a pretty weak explanation and it comes a bit late.

• The Snowpiercer runs on a perpetual motion engine, so it never needs fuel and is supposedly maintenance-free (more on that in a bit). What about the tracks? Don't they ever get damaged?

• The big reveal at the end of the film is that (Spoiler Alert!) Wilford and Gilliam have been secretly working together all along, and regularly stage rebellions in order to keep the population of the train down.

But why? Why start up the whole class struggle all over again? There's only a handful of people left on Earth. Wouldn't this have been the perfect opportunity to start up a new, more utopian society? Couldn't everyone be equals and enjoy the luxuries of the train as long as they practiced normal population control? Starting up a class war and staging periodic violent rebellions to thin the herd seems like overkill to me.

Many sociologists believe society needs the lower class to survive— someone's got to pick up all the trash after all. But the tail passengers didn't actually do anything. They don't sweep up, produce goods or unclog toilets, they just sit around being oppressed. Their only apparent function is to rebel now and then, to keep the population down.

• All through the film we hear tales of Wilford's amazing life and talents, making us believe he's a Big Deal. So what do we see when the Tailers finally reach the front of the train? Is Wilford a giant, floating head, ala The Wizard Of Oz? An enormous sentient computer? Nope, he's just Ed Harris in a silk bathrobe. 

I think director Bong was playing with our expectations here, but it came off as very anticlimactic. 

• Bong has a very weak grasp of how amputation works, and how grievous an injury the loss of a limb is.

In the early days of the Snowpiercer, the starving Tailers actually turned to cannibalism to survive. Even Curtis wasn't immune, as he was ready to eat the then infant Edgar. Gilliam intervened by cutting off his own arm (!) and offering it to Curtis as food. Apparently this was no big deal, as he didn't go into shock or bleed to death afterward. In fact after he does this, dozens of other Tailers begin eating their own limbs as well, with no apparent ill effect.

At the end of the film, Curtis discovers that Timmy is stuffed under machinery in the floor and is manually helping the engine work. Curtis sacrifices his arm by jamming it into the gears, which allows Timmy to crawl out without getting sliced to pieces. The gears slice off Curtis' forearm, but he seems perfectly fine afterward. He doesn't bleed out, as his futuristic arteries apparently seal themselves off.

Needless to say, this is not how limb loss works.

By the way, how'd Timmy get down into that crawlspace to begin with? The perpetual motion engine never stops. Did someone else have to jam their arm into the gears long enough for Timmy to crawl in?

• After the train is destroyed, Yona and Timmy emerge from the wreckage, the last two survivors of humanity. They look up at a distant mountain and see a polar bear eying them. They then hold hands as they trudge off into this brave new frozen world.

And then they're both immediately consumed by the bear. Or they freeze to death. Your choice.

I'm having trouble deciding if this is supposed to be a hopeful or depressing ending. Yes, Namgoong said that it appears that the world is finally starting to warm up again, so it's possible they'll be able to survive outside for more than a few minutes. But Yona and Timmy are both train babies and have never been outside in their lives. They'll have zero survival skills. Plus it appears they're in a mountainous area, with no vegetation whatsoever. I give them both a week, tops.

Even if they somehow manage to survive, Timmy's six years old. It's gonna be a while before he can, um, contribute to the repopulation process.

By the way, check out Timmy's perfect kid-sized parka. Where the hell did that come from?

Snowpiercer could have been a thoughtful, hard-scifi masterpiece, but instead it's a contrived, heavy handed allegory that borders on satire. That said, it did stick with me for a while, which is more than I can say for most films these days. I give it a B-.

It Came From The Video Store: Space Station 76

Space Station 76 was written by Jack Plotnick, Jennifer Elise Cox, Sam Pancake, Kali Rocha and Michael Stoyanov. It was directed by Jack Plotnick.

Seriously? It took five people to write this thing? The only familiar name (to me at least) on that lengthy list is Michael Stayonov, who you may remember as eldest brother Anthony Russo on the 1990s TV series Blossom.

I was really looking forward to seeing this movie, assuming it was a spoof of 1970s sci-fi shows such as Space:1999, Buck Rogers and even Jason Of Star Command. As Thorin Oakenshield would say, "I have never been so wrong in all my life."

Instead of a fun bit of space satire, we get an alleged dark "comedy" that examines the changing social mores of 1970s suburbia— but in space! Think Bob And Carol And Ted And Alice on a space station (that movie actually came out in 1969, but you get the idea). In fact, if you strip if of its science fiction elements, it could easily pass for a period drama set in a dysfunctional neighborhood. 

I feel like this film tricked me into watching it. The subject matter— relationship drama— is something I would normally steer well clear of, but it enticed me with its promise of retro sci fi action. Much the way a pervert uses candy to lure an unsuspecting child into his windowless van.

I'm honestly not sure what to make of this film. Nothing happens in it. There is absolutely no plot whatsoever, unless you call toxic relationships deteriorating before your very eyes a plot.

All through the movie I kept checking my watch, trying to reassure myself as I thought, "Well, it's been 45 minutes, any time now the plot's going to kick in." Alas, it never happened. It's 93 minutes of various characters going through the motions of their dull lives.

The film supposedly started out as a stage play written by Jack Plotnick. When it became a minor success, he decided to adapt it into a movie. I have no problem believing that. The story, what little there is, is filmed and staged very much like a play, with endless static shots of people sitting around conversing or brooding.

If you've ever sat in front of your TV and thought, "I wonder what the crew of Moonbase Alpha does in their off hours and how they get along with their spouses," then this is the movie for you. For everyone else, run swiftly in the opposite direction.

SPOILERS, I SUPPOSE!

The Plot:

Well, there is no plot. As the film opens, Jessica (played by Liv Tyler) arrives at the space station as a replacement co-pilot (why a stationary outpost needs a co-pilot, I have no idea). She then has trouble fitting in with the insular and neurotic inhabitants. Believe it or not, that's it!

Thoughts:

• I really don't have a lot to say about the movie, other than it's the future as imagined by people of the 1970s, made by people in the 2010s.

• The producers used cgi to simulate the look of spaceship models and 1970s era special effects. It all looks nice, but it makes me wonder why they just didn't use actual models in the first place. I suppose it had to do with cost, but cgi ain't cheap either.

• One of the film's few bright spots is the awesome set design. It's an amazing mix of 1970s interior decorating aesthetic combined with the sterile, modular look of Space: 1999 and 2001: A Space Odyssey. You can occupy yourself during the film's many lulls by admiring the sets.

The costumes are equally impressive, perfectly invoking the style of the 1970s, complete with yards of rayon and velours.

• I enjoyed all the retro and anachronistic touches in the film, such as the characters' constant smoking and drinking and the over dependence on valium. At one point a woman even checks out and orders the latest Earth fashions on a Viewmaster reel! High tech!

The retro look and feel of the film are all top notch. It's just a shame that the filmmakers did nothing with it.

• Jessica becomes close to Ted, the station's maintenance man. Ted has a robot hand which looks very much like a Nintendo Power Glove. I'm sure that was intentional, as it's exactly the sort of prop a cheap 1970s sci-fi film would use. It's one of the few discernible bits of humor in the film.

Unfortunately if we're strictly following a 1970s design template, then it shouldn't be there. The Power Glove wasn't released until 1989, well after the target period. Whoops!

• In a similar vein, there are several small robots assigned to the station. They all appear to be refurbished Verbots, made by the Tomy company.

Like the Power Glove though, the Verbot was released in the mid 1980s, and also doesn't fit the 1970s period.

• One of the few halfway comedic parts of the film is Captain Glenn's attempts at suicide. Glenn is a closeted homosexual, and his lover Daniel has recently transferred off the station after a spat.

Depressed, Captain Glenn then tries to kill himself in several different ways, only to be thwarted each time by the station's automated defense systems.

You know, when the funniest thing in your movie is a guy trying to kill himself, perhaps it's time to reevaluate your script.

• Even when something halfway resembling a plot point threatens to happen, nothing ever comes of it.

Case in point: all through the movie we see occasional shots of a huge asteroid tumbling through space, heading inexorably toward the station. As the asteroid looms closer and closer, the tension begins to build as we realize the characters are doomed.

During the station's Xmas party, everyone is bickering and accusing one another of various infidelities and atrocities. Suddenly an alarm sounds and the characters all watch helplessly as the asteroid tumbles relentlessly toward them. At the last second it barely scrapes the top of the station before moving on.

The characters realize what a close call they've all just had, stop their arguing and reaffirm their feelings for one another.

THAT'S IT?!! I sat through 93 interminable minutes of absolutely nothing for that? Screw this movie and the pretentious, art house projector it rode in on.

Space Station 76 is a peculiar film that's hard to describe, and even harder to watch. It definitely looks good, but ultimately goes nowhere. I give it a C+.

It Came From The Video Store: Grabbers

Grabbers is a 2012 Irish sci-fi/horror film that was directed by Jon Wright and written by Kevin Lehane.

If you see only one Irish-made monster movie this year, this is the one to see. I highly recommend it.

I know what you're thinking-- that DVD cover makes it look like some dreadful Syfy Channel reject. I thought the same thing when I saw it on the video store racks, but it's surprisingly well-written and acted. It's also quite funny and filled with many colorful characters, and gives us Yanks a peek into Irish culture. It's very similar in tone to Tremors, but with more pubs and ale and alien squids instead of sand worms.

The Plot:
Eager young policeman (known as Garda in Ireland) Lisa Nolan (played by Ruth Bradley) is transferred to remote Irish island, much to the chagrin of her alcoholic superior Ciaran O'Shea (played by Richard Coyle).

The two investigate a herd of mutilated whale corpses that wash ashore, and realize some... things are attacking the remote island village. A violent storm hits the island, preventing any hope of escape or rescue. The town then has to fend for itself against the hungry alien attackers.

Thoughts:
• The special effects in Grabbers were surprisingly sophisticated. Apparently America and New Zealand aren't the only countries that can produce good CGI.

• There's absolutely no reason this film couldn't have been shown in U.S. theaters-- it's easily as good or better than many Hollywood films I've seen in the past year. I'm betting the lack of recognizable stars is what kept it out of our cineplexes. Studio executives all believe that audiences will shun a movie if doesn't have big stars in it (which I believe is a bunch of bull). That's why we get so many foreign film remakes here. Expect to see an Americanized version of Grabbers any day now.

• Russell Tovey plays Dr. Adam Smith in the film. Tovey guest starred in Voyage Of The Damned, the 2007 Doctor Who Christmas Special. Back then series producer Russell T. Davies suggested that Tovey would be a worthy candidate to play the Doctor when David Tennant left the show. Frankly I just didn't see it. I thought Tovey was way too bland to play a quirky character such as the Doctor. 

But after seeing him in Grabbers, I get it. He can definitely do the whole quirky and funny thing, and there were a few scenes in which he acted very Doctor-y. I could definitely see him manning the TARDIS someday.

Grabbers is a criminally underrated scifi/horror/comedy with big budget effects and a lot of charm from its two main leads. I give it a B+.

It Came From The Video Store: The Watch

The Watch was directed by Akiva Schaffer and written by Jared Stern, Seth Rogen and Evan Goldberg.

Schaffer is a member of The Lonely Island comedy group and directed many of their short films such as Lazy Sunday. Rogen and Goldberg have co-written many high profile comedies including Pineapple Express and Superbad. One would think that with a pedigree like that the finished product would have been better, but I guess you can't hit one out of the park every time at bat.

Very similar in tone and feel to the recent The World's End. Actually I guess it's the other way around, since The Watch came first.

The film was originally titled Neighborhood Watch, but it came out shortly after the Trayvon Martin shooting so the studio hurriedly changed the name, lest anyone be offended. Which makes perfect sense, because a film about an alien plot to take over Earth is just way too similar to a real life racially charged shooting.

They needn't have bothered changing the name for sensitivity's sake. The only people who'll be offended by this film are fans of good comedy.

It's not the worst film I've ever seen, but it's definitely bland. The script is bland, the four leads are bland, the aliens are bland… everything about it seems like it was halfheartedly executed with the least amount of effort possible. Worst of all there are few if any laughs.

Lastly, the DVD proudly proclaims it's a ruder, cruder and lewder unrated version. I have no idea what content was added, but whatever it was it didn't help.

SPOILERS, I GUESS.

The Plot:
Evan Trautwig (Ben Stiller) is an uptight manager of a Costco in Glenview, Ohio. When one of his security guards is brutally murdered, he takes it upon himself to form a Neighborhood Watch.

Evan only manages to recruit three other members: construction worker Bob (Vince Vaugn), high school dropout and cop wannabe Franklin (Jonah Hill) and British divorcee Jamarcus (Richard Ayoade). Unfortunately for Evan the others only see the Watch as an excuse to drink beer and hang out.

During a stakeout the Watch discovers an actual extraterrestrial. They theorize the aliens are killing people and wearing their skins in order to pass as human. Unfortunately they realize the authorities will never believe them.

Eventually Jamarcus reveals that he's an alien but is siding with humanity after experiencing our culture. He tells the Watch that his fellow aliens are building a transmitter under Evan's Costco (of course) which will signal a fleet that will land on Earth and destroy it.

The Watch then has to defeat the aliens and destroy the transmitter in order to save the Earth.

Pros:
• Hmm… honestly I got nothing.

Oh, I know! I wish my city had a Costco. I've heard good things about them.

• I've never been a fan of Vince Vaughn and absolutely do not understand his popularity, but that said I will admit that he gives his all in this film. He seems like he's practically spraining a hamstring trying to wring what little funny there is out of the script. Unfortunately he just doesn't have enough material to work with.

Cons:
• The main actors in the film all play the same type of characters they've played many, many times before. Ben Stiller plays an uptight control freak, Vince Vaughn plays an annoying man child and Johan Hill plays his typical borderline psychotic weirdo. No one brings anything new to the table.

Richard Ayoade fares the worst of the group. If you're a fan of his work as Moss on The IT Crowd, prepare to be massively disappointed here. He's given very little to do and seems like he's in a completely different film. He spends the majority of the movie just standing motionless and looking genuinely puzzled as to why he's there. Hopefully he'll be given a chance to show off his talent in a better movie soon.

Will Forte is also in the film and plays a cop exactly the way you'd expect him to play one in a Saturday Night Live sketch.

The only standout in the entire cast is Billy Cruddup, who plays Evan's creepy neighbor Paul, who may or may not be an alien. Unfortunately he's in the movie for about five minutes total.

• The aliens are about as unmemorable as the cast. Their design looks like a hundred other aliens you've seen in films in the past twenty years.

• The Watch must have set the record for all-time most product placements within a single movie. There's Durex condoms, brand name beer galore… hell, a good chunk of the movie's even set inside the cavernous space of a Costco.

• Evan and his wife Abby are having marital problems, stemming from the fact that he's keeping his sterility a secret from her as well as spending all his free time with the Neighborhood Watch. Their marriage seems on the brink of disaster until Abby finds out there are actual aliens in their neighborhood. Suddenly all is well and their marriage is stronger than ever.

In a similar vein, Bob's struggling with raising a rebellious and promiscuous teenaged daughter who constantly sneaks out of the house and parties all night. She instantly drops the slutty act and becomes becomes the perfect daughter again after finding out her boyfriend is an alien bent on our destruction.
 
OK, I don't expect a lot of realistic drama in a sci-fi action comedy like this, but these half-hearted resolutions seem a little too simplistic.

• In the third act Jamarcus reveals that he's actually an alien and is wearing human skin as a disguise.

How exactly does this work? How long could an alien wear a human's skin before it started to rot and fall apart? Will Jamarcus have to periodically kill and skin another human in order to continue passing for one of us? Will the Neighborhood Watch look the other way as he does so? Or will he eventually just drop the disguise and hide out in his natural form? Apparently it's none of our business, as this is ever touched upon.

• After Jamarcus reveals he's an alien, he says his race goes around the galaxy invading planets, destroying them and then moving on. No stealing our water or gold or other natural resources? They don't even want our women? They destroy other planets just because? What kind of a plan is that?

• One more thing about Jamarcus-- he betrays his own people and sides with humanity after a sexual encounter at Paul's orgy. What are the odds that a human's junk would be compatible with an alien's? Or that a sexual act that brings pleasure to a human would work on an alien as well? Especially since Jamarcus reveals that his race's brain is located in the crotch.

I give The Watch a very meh C-.

It Came From The Video Store: ATM

ATM is a 2012 horror film directed by David Brooks. 

This movie is an example of what I've dubbed "Abandonment Horror," in which characters become trapped in a confined space, surrounded by certain death with no chance of escape (see Frozen, a film in which three skiers are stranded on a ski lift and surrounded by wolves, for another example of this sub-genre). 

The movie was written by Chris Sparling, who also wrote the screenplay for Buried, another sample of Abandonment Horror. Unfortunately ATM is far inferior to Buried, indicating that it may be time for Sparling to move on to another genre.

I get what the filmmakers were going for here; trying to instill a sense of menace, isolation and hopelessness inherent in urban life. They made a valiant attempt but ultimately this is a story that just can't work.

SOME MAJOR SPOILERS AHEAD!

The Plot:
At his company's Christmas party, accountant David Hargrove finally summons the courage to speak to his beautiful coworker Emily Brandt. David offers to drive Emily home, but is coerced into bringing along obnoxious third wheel Corey Thompson (David needs to learn how to say no).

While driving through town, Corey forces David to stop at an ATM booth for money. Because David's an idiot, he "punishes" Corey by parking several hundred feet away from the deserted ATM and making him walk up to it.

Corey has trouble operating the machine so David and Emily, tired of waiting in the cold, enter the ATM to help. As they leave they're confronted by a mysterious figure wearing a hooded parka blocking their way. Afraid to exit, they remain inside the ATM booth, unsure of what to do.

Parka Man sees a passerby and savagely kills him. The three then realize they're trapped inside the small ATM booth, unable to leave lest they be attacked and killed as well. Parka Man then spends the rest of the night toying with and tormenting his captors.

Thoughts:
• This is one of those films whose plot is so outrageously contrived that it can only work if all the characters act like complete and utter morons. If any of the characters had even once acted like a normal human being, even for a second, the entire story would collapse like a house of cards.

If David had told Corey "no" at any point during the Christmas party the movie would have stopped then and there. If David had parked next to the ATM instead of a hundred feet away they'd all have been fine. And if any of the characters had their cell phones on them (which every person on Earth does these days) instead of inexplicably leaving them all in the car, their ordeal would have lasted fifteen minutes at the most (if only).

After ten minutes of their idiocy and incompetence even the most sympathetic audience will start rooting for Parka Man.

• Once the characters are trapped, most viewers will spend the rest of the running time figuring out numerous ways to easily escape the ATM or alert the authorities. 

Case in point: Emily finally gets the bright idea to start a fire in a wastebasket to set off the sprinkler system, which will bring the fire department running. Unfortunately she doesn't think of this until six or seven hours into their ordeal. Most rational humans would have done this after five or ten minutes.

• The filmmakers practically pull a hamstring trying to make Parka Man into a new horror icon. He's got most of the requirements for the job: He's faceless, silent, superhumanly strong, able to rig elaborate (and impossible) traps and as a bonus he's got his own secret subterranean lair in which he can plan his improbable murder sprees.

Despite all that, it's unlikely that Parka Man will be joining Freddy, Michael, Leatherface and Jigsaw in the Slasher Pantheon.

• The location of the ATM booth deserves some scrutiny. Imagine an unlit parking lot that's a hundred square acres. Got it? Good. Now imagine there's a lone ATM booth plopped down in the exact center of this vast, dark empty space. 

Why the hell would they build it in the middle of the lot? Why wouldn't it be, oh I don't know, up by the freakin' street where people could actually see it and have easy access to it? How the hell would you spot it or get to the thing when the parking lot was full of cars?

• At one point Corey decides to make a run for it to get help. He checks to see if Parka Man is outside, doesn't see him and sprints across the parking lot. He almost makes it but at the last second is clothes-lined and incapacitated by a thin, taut, virtually invisible wire that Parka Man has strung across the parking lot.

To what are the ends of this wire attached? As I mentioned earlier, this parking lot is vast, empty and wide. Parka Man would need several hundred feet of wire to stretch across its width. He'd also need to use a freakin' bulldozer to pull a five hundred foot wire taut enough to keep it from sagging in the center and make an effective booby trap. 

• Late in the film Parka Man pins the ATM door shut with David's car. He then drags what appears to be a fire hose (?) over to the ATM and begins filling it with water to drown the characters inside. Apparently Parka Man is a fan of old Warner Bros. cartoons.

When David first sees that the car's pinning the door shut, it's obvious that it can still be opened slightly, maybe six inches or so. Why couldn't he just prop the door open so the booth wouldn't fill with water?

• Part of Parka Man's plan involves targeting David and framing him for all his crimes. At the end of the film when the police finally arrive, they find this planted evidence and arrest David, thinking he's the one responsible for all murder and mayhem. Several things here.

First of all, Emily's death was a freak accident. There's no way Parka Man could have known it was going to happen. So why go to all the trouble of trying to frame David? Emily could have just confirmed David's innocence. I suppose maybe Parka Man was intending to eventually kill her as well and her death was an unexpected bonus for him, but… seems like a stretch to me.

Secondly, things definitely look bad for David at the end (he actually did kill the innocent janitor after all), but surely some of the night's events would cause the police to question his guilt in ALL the events and murders.

For example, why would he disable the engine in his own car? How could he have blocked the door with his own (dead) car and get back inside the ATM? Why would he flood the ATM and then wait inside it to drown? Why would he let Emily write "HELP" on the window if he was trying to kill her? How would he have pried open the back door of the ATM (in order to flood it) without tools? Surely there'd be forensic evidence that Corey was killed outside and then dragged back in, which David wouldn't have done if he was the killer. 

If David gets a decent lawyer he could probably plea bargain his case down to manslaughter at the most.

• This has nothing to do with the storyline, but on the DVD extras, the film crew is quite proud of the fact that they built a special working ATM booth just for the film. 

Wow, you guys built a fifteen by twenty foot glass shelter with a door and lights inside it? That is impressive. I bet no one's ever built anything that large or complicated for a film before. Not even for Titanic.

A valiant effort at urban claustrophobia that unfortunately can't and doesn't work. I give it a D+.