Tales From The Video Store: Coming Soon

Unlike the majority of the world, I don't go in for all this convenient video-on-demand and FlixNet nonsense. Nosiree! Give me an old fashioned, inconvenient Video Store any day! The farther away from my house the better! You just never know what you're gonna find— or see— when you browse the Video Store!

This Tale From The Video Store is 100% true.

There's a video store just a few blocks from my house, and for some reason it seems to attract a large... well, let's call it a hillbilly contingent. People who don't understand the meaning of the words "Coming Soon" when seen on a movie poster.

For example: One day while browsing in the video store, a Hillbilly Male burst in. He headed straight for the counter and breathlessly asked the clerk if she had the new Jurassic Park movie. The clerk patiently explained, "Sorry, no. That one's currently playing in theaters. We generally don't start renting movies until they come out on home video."

"Shee-yoot!" exclaimed the Hillbilly. "Well, how's about thet new Star Wars movie then?"

The clerk stared at him for a few seconds and finally composed herself long enough to say, "Uh... that one isn't even playing in any theaters yet. In fact it's not scheduled to be released until December."

"Oh, man!" said the Hillbilly. "I wuz at the movies last week and saw a poster for it and thought it looked pretty good. So I came over here soon's as I could to git it."

OK, let me get this straight. You saw a poster in the MOVIE THEATER that said COMING SOON, so you immediately headed for the VIDEO STORE to rent it. Got it.

I honestly don't think I could work in a video store...

Tales From The Video Store: Bloated

Unlike the majority of the world, I don't go in for all this convenient video-on-demand and FlixNet nonsense. Nosiree! Give me an old fashioned, inconvenient Video Store any day! The farther away from my house the better! You just never know what you're gonna find— or see— when you browse the Video Store!

This Tale From The Video Store is 100% true.

There's a video store just a few blocks from my house, and for some reason it seems to attract a large... well, let's call it a hillbilly contingent. While I was browsing the shelves one day, a very large hillbilly gal plodded in. She had a huge head with dull, cow-like eyes and was decked out in her finest stained sweatpants. She wandered around the store for a few minutes, talking loudly to herself in a raspy voice deeper than mine.

She was looking for Bridesmaids, and of course didn't have the slightest idea where to find it. Apparently alphabetical order isn't part of the Hillbilly School curriculum. She then plowed her way between me and the shelf I was browsing like I wasn't even there, and asked the clerk where to find her film. 

The clerk told her, "It's over there on the far wall, with all the other movies that start with B." Hillbilly Gal then waddled in front of me a second time, again like I wasn't there. She picked up the DVD case and shambled back in front of me a third time.

The clerk said, "Oh, you just picked up the box. I need the disk too!" So Hillbilly Gal clip-clopped in front of me for an astonishing fourth time. This time though she bleated, "Ohhh, I don't feel like walking all around this big store when I'm bloated! I'm bloaaaaaaaaaated!"

"I say, miss. You're obviously a creature of elegance and refinement, who appreciates the finer things. I'm new in town and looking for a good charm school for my daughter. I wonder if I could trouble you to recommend a good one!"

Hillbilly Shark Attack!

Last week a family vacationing along the Tennessee River was shocked when they discovered a small shark in the water. This was significant as sharks tend to prefer salt water oceans, rather than fresh water rivers.

The family contacted Wildlife Conservation Officer Jay Lowery, who said it's unlikely that the shark got so far inland by itself, and was most likely placed in the river as a hoax.

Hoax or not, the idea of a shark attacking innocent swimmers in the Tennessee River's just too good for the Siffy Channel to pass up. I know what their next made-for-TV movie is gonna be!

Actually the Siffy Channel beat me to it. They already released a similar film back in 2011. At this point it's almost impossible to make up something too ridiculous for them to air!