How To Milk Your Franchise

Last week Universal Studios announced plans to produce a live action version of the 2010 CGI animated film How To Train Your Dragon.

Sigh...

I'm goin' into Old Man Rant Mode here, but why does every animated film have to get the big budget live action treatment? Can't studios come up with any new ideas, and leave their old classics alone?

Or course we all know the answer— money. Every time Disney craps out a live action version of one of their animated films, it grosses a billion dollars at least. Universal clearly wants a piece of that sweet, sweet live action pie.

But hold on a minute here... How To Train Your Dragon is a fully animated CGI film from Dreamworks. As such, every frame of it was created in a computer. Every character, human and dragon alike, was CGI.

By necessity, this live action version is also gonna contain a hefty amount of CGI. It's a given that all the dragons in the film will be computer animated characters. Likewise, the sprawling fantasy environments will also be generated inside a computer.

The only actual live action elements in the movie will be the human characters. It would not be an exaggeration to state that 99% of everything else in the film will be CGI. And correct me if I'm wrong, but... don't we already have a fully CGI version?

So what the hell's the point of this "live action" remake?

Maniac Remake

This week director Nicolas Winding Refn announced he plans to remake the 1988 horror film Maniac Cop.

The original film is considered a grindhouse classic, and starred the late Robert Z'Dar as a New York City policeman who goes on a murderous kill spree (which sounds like something that audiences might have eaten up in 1988, but wouldn't fly here in 2017).

Refn is the visionary director behind such controversial movies such as Drive, Only God Forgives and The Neon Demon. His films are always visually stunning, filled with impeccably composed shots that feature bold lighting and brilliant, oversaturated colors.

Unfortunately Refn's films contain little or nothing in the way of content. No story, no plot and definitely no soul. His work is the very definition of Style Over Substance. But hey, they look amazing and the soundtrack's usually awesome, so there's that!

Refn's films are also incredibly slow moving. Wait, did I say it was slow? I meant glacial. His movies consist of interminable static scenes in which absolutely nothing moves. Not the camera, not the actors, and definitely not the plot. I've seen drying paint that was more exciting. 

Watching The Neon Demon was literally like staring at a still photo for five minutes. I cannot emphasize this enough. In fact I streamed the movie a while back and as I watched it, a couple of times I thought there was a glitch and the picture had frozen. That's how static his films are!

In fact, I can probably come up with a pretty good simulation of Refn's upcoming version of Maniac Cop right now! Just sit there in your chair and stare at the above still of Robert Z'Dar for ninety minutes, while listening to some pulsing House Music cranked up to eleven. Voila! You just experienced one of Nicolas Winding Refn's movies!

It Came From The Cineplex: The Magnificent Seven (2016)

The Magnificent Seven (2016) was written by Nic Pizzolatto and Richard Wenk, and directed by Antoine Fuqua.

Pizillatto previously wrote several episodes of the TV series The Killing and True Detective. This apears to be his first theatrical work. Wenk wrote 16 Blocks, The Mechanic, The Expendables 2 and The Equalizer.

Fuqua previously directed The Replacement Killers, Training Day, King Arthur (!), Shooter, Brooklyn's Finest, Olympus Has Fallen, The Equalizer and Southpaw. Apparently Fuqua loves working with both Denzel Washington and Ethan Hawke, as The Magnificent Seven is their third collaboration. Washington starred in Training Day and The Equalizer, while Hawke was also in Training Day, as well as Brooklyn's Finest.

The Magnificent Seven is of course a remake of the 1960 film of the same name, which in turn was a remake of the 1954 Japanese epic Seven Samurai. It's a moderately entertaining film, but follows the plot of the previous film very closely and honestly brings nothing new to the table. In fact if you've seen either of the prior versions, you already know everything that happens here— right down to which of the main characters die at the end!

The "Inexperienced Townspeople Hire Fighters To Save Them From Bad Men" storyline is a very popular one in westerns and action films, and has been used in many times over the years. The same plot (or a variation of it) is used in The Professionals, Vera Cruz, The Hallelujah Trail, The Wild Bunch, Nevada Smith, Red Sun, The Great Escape and The Dirty Dozen. 

And it's not just westerns that use this plot. Roger Corman's low-budget sci-fi epic Battle Beyond The Stars is basically just The Magnificent Seven in outer space. Galaxy Quest, one of my all-time favorite movies, features pretty much the same plot as well. Even comedies like Three Amigos! and A Bug's Life are pretty much remakes of the 1960 film. 

Thankfully, director Antoine Fuqua used suitable actors of color for all the ethnic characters in the film. Hallelujah! It's the right thing to do, of course, but as an added bonus, now we won't have to endure another controversy like the one that brewed over the casting in Gods Of Egypt.

Speaking of casting, I spent the whole goddamned movie thinking I was watching actress Jennifer Lawrence as Emma Cullen, the female lead. Imagine my surprise when I saw the end credits and found out it wasn't her at all, but Haley Bennet, whoever the hell that is.

Just look at her! You cannot tell me that isn't Jennifer Freakin' Hunger Games Lawrence right there! She looks just like her! If this really and truly isn't J-Law, then she's got a twin no one ever knew about before.

I suspect this is another one of those Hollywood conspiracies, just like the one in which Mary Elizabeth Winstead and Summer Glau are the same damned person.

SPOILERS FOR A REMAKE OF A FIFTY SIX YEAR OLD REMAKE OF A SIXTY TWO YEAR OLD MOVIE!

The Plot:
Have you ever seen Seven Samurai? Or The original Magnificent Seven? Eh, this is pretty much the same thing.

In 1879, evil businessman Bartholomew Bogue (played by Peter Sarsgaard) invades the peaceful little tow of Rose Creek. He informs the locals he's buying out their town to turn it into a mine or something, and considerately gives them three weeks to get the hell out. Then, just to make sure we get that he's evil, he shoots and kills Matthew Cullen, the only man in town who tries to stand up to him.

The terrified townspeople stand around wringing their hands, wondering what to do. They want to fight back against Bogue, but they're simple farmers, not soldiers. Matthew's widow Emma Cullen (played by Jennifer Lawrence Haley Bennett) gets the bright idea to hire a team of gunslingers to protect the town.

Emma and her friend Teddy Q ride to the nearest city to recruit protectors. There they witness cool, unflappable bounty hunter Sam Chisolm (played by Denzel Washington) as he enters a saloon. Chisolm's obviously supposed to be the Chris Adams character here, who was famously played by Yul Brenner in the 1960 film. Chisolm kills a criminal who's posing as a bartender. Emma approaches him and offers him everything she has to protect Rose Creek. He's reluctant to get involved at first, but agrees to help when he learns Bogue's behind it all. I guess he really hates Bogue or something?

Chisolm first recruits boozy gambler Josh Faraday (played by Chris Pratt). He's clearly the Vin Tanner character here, who was played by Steve McQueen in the previous version of the film. Chisolm and Faraday then split up to recruit more gunslingers. Chisolm hires his friend Goodnight Robicheaux (played by Ethan Hawke), a sharpshooter who's constantly accompanied by his associate Billy Rocks (played by Byung-hun Lee), a knife-tossing assassin. Faraday recruits Mexican outlaw Vasquez (played by Manuel Garcia-Rulfo), who apparently can't afford a first name. The two groups meet up, and are eventually joined by wheezy mountain man Jack Horner (played by Vincent D'Onofiro) and Commanche warrior Red Harvest (played by Martin Sensmeier). Let's see... five, six, seven... yup, that makes seven protectors. And they're magnificent!

The group rides to Rose Creek, where they're met by some of Bogue's thugs (I guess he left them behind to guard the town?). A shootout ensues, and the gunslingers kill most of the thugs. During the shootout, Robicheaux can't bring himself to fire on the enemy, and we learn he fought in the Civil War and now suffers from PTSD. The gunslingers chase off the corrupt Sheriff (who's in Bogue's pocket) and tell him to deliver a message to his boss: Leave Rose Creek alone, or else.

Chisolm says they'll have about a week before Bogue returns with an army of goons, and the town will need to be ready for him. They train the townspeople how to shoot, plan strategies and set various deadly traps. At the end of the week, Robicheaux decides he can't kill anymore and leaves town. Emma, who's proven herself a capable marksman, er markswoman, fills in for him.

The next day Bogue arrives with his army. He attacks the town, but the Rose Creekians spring their deadly traps, killing many of the thugs. To absolutely no one's surprise, Robicheaux returns at just the right moment to turn the tide. I guess he miraculously got over his PTSD during the night. The gunslingers pick off dozens more of Bogue's men. Vasquez kills McCann, while Horner's killed by Denali, Bogue's Comanche assassin. Red Harvest labels Denali a traitor to his people, and kills him. 

Just when it looks like the townspeople are winning, Bogue reveals his secret weapon— a Gatling gun. He unleashes it on the town, killing dozens of innocents. Chisolm tells the surviving townspeople to leave before they're all murdered.

Robicheaux and Rocks climb the church tower and begin picking off Bogue's men from above, but are ultimately cut down. Faraday then goes on a suicide mission to take out the Gatling gun. He's shot several times, and falls to his knees just in front of the gun. He tries to light a last cigarette, but his hands are shaking too badly. One of Bogue's men lights it for him out of pity. Faraday then reveals he's holding a stick of dynamite, lights it with his cigarette, and blows up the Gatling gun and several more of Bogue's men. See, smoking is dangerous to your health!

Realizing his entire army's gone, Bogue tries to flee. He's confronted by Chisolm, who challenges him to a shootout in the middle of town. Bogue tries to draw, but Chisolm shoots the gun out of his hand (of course). Bogue runs into the church (that he burned earlier), confident that Chisolm won't cut him down in the Lord's house.

Chisolm follows him into the church. He reveals that his mother and sister were raped and murdered by Bogue and his men, and begins strangling him. Bogue pulls a small gun out of his boot, but he's shot in the head by Emma, who appears just in time.

With the town saved, Emma tells Chisolm that he and the other gunslingers are legends, and the town will never forget them. Chisolm, Vasquez and Red Harvest ride off into the sunset. Cue Elmer Bernstein's score!

Thoughts:
• There are a lot of cast connections in this film:

Denzel Washington and Jennifer Lawrence Haley Bennett both starred in The Equalizer. Ethan Hawke and Vincent D'Onofrio were both in Brooklyn's Finest. And Chris Pratt and Vincent D'Onofrio starred together in Jurassic World.

• Man, this new Magnificent Seven movie poster is one butt-ugly piece of design. Who the hell thought slate gray and muddy gold would make an eye-catching color combo? I guess it's in good company though, as the 1960 poster wasn't much better.

• Any time Chisolm places his gun in its holster, he does so with the grip facing away from him. Wha...? I freely admit I know nothing about guns or gunslinging, but this seems completely wrong to me. I don't see any tactical advantage to this method at all. When he draws, he's not only going to have to flip his gun over, but around, so it's facing his opponent. Wouldn't that eat up precious split seconds, and get him killed in a draw?

• As in most westerns, the main characters all know one another personally or by reputation. This despite the fact they live hundreds of miles apart, in a world in which the telegraph is the most advanced form of communication. It's a small world, I guess.

• The movie definitely needed more of Bartholomew Bogue, the main villain. He shows up for a couple of minutes in the opening scene, then disappears completely from the movie until the big battle in the third act. 

All through the film we're constantly TOLD he's a badass, psycho and force of nature all rolled into one, but when he finally shows up again at the end, he doesn't do anything particularly evil. In fact once his army of goons is wiped out, he turns out to be a sniveling coward.

I guess maybe that was the point? That he's only a threat when he's got an army to back him up? If so, that's an interesting take on the character, but it's not right for this film. The Magnificent Seven needs a villain who's a formidable force even without his army.

• During the obligatory "bonding" scene between the gunslingers, Faraday (Chris Pratt) tells a joke about a man who's thrown off a six story building. As he falls past a windows, a person looking out asks him how things are going. The falling man says, "So far so good!"

Steve McQueen's character told the exact same joke in the 1960 film.

• The Magnificent Seven continues the time-honored tradition of bad guys who can be killed by one bullet, arrow or well-place axe, while the heroes can keep on fighting after being shot a dozen times. I'm honestly surprised that Faraday didn't get up and dust himself off after detonating the stick of dynamite he was holding. 

• In every version of the film, four of the seven protectors die during the final battle. The way they're remembered is quite different in the new film though.

In Seven Samurai, four of the protectors are brutally cut down. At the end of the film, one of the surviving samurai says, "The victory belongs to those peasants. Not to us."

In the 1960 Magnificent Seven, Chris Adams gazes at the graves of his fallen comrades and says virtually the same thing.

In this new version, we see the graves of the fallen gunslingers, and Emma Cullen says they're all heroes and will never be forgotten by the townspeople.

This completely changes the tone of the ending, and not necessarily for the better. In the previous versions, the protectors died for people they didn't even know, and the world at large would never know their sacrifice. In the new film, the gunslingers and their actions become legendary.

Chalk it up as a sign of our times. Few people today understand the concept of self sacrifice (for no personal gain).

• Even people who've never seen the 1960 The Magnificent Seven have heard Elmer Bernstein's iconic theme music. I was wondering if they'd shoehorn it into this new version, and sure enough, they did. They play a few bars of it during as the end credits begin to roll.

Composer James Horner wrote the bulk of the new film's score. Sadly, he died in a tragic plane crash in 2015 before he was done. Horner's friend Simon Franglen finished the score for him. 

Horner wrote many, many memorable film scores over the years, including Star Trek II: The Wrath Of Khan, Star Trek 3: The Search For Spock, Cocoon, ALIENS, Willow, The Rocketeer, Braveheart, Titanic and Avatar. 

Sadly, his score for The Magnificent Seven isn't going to top Bernstein's.

Although he was a brilliant and excellent film composer, he was often criticized for "stealing" bits and pieces from his earlier scores. Nowhere is that more evident than in The Magnificent Seven. As I watched the film I heard a couple of familiar riffs on the soundtrack, and I honestly knew it was a James Horner score before I even looked at the end credits.

He scored over a hundred films though, so I'm willing to cut him some slack here. What artist (including myself) hasn't reused an idea now and then?

The Magnificent Seven is a fairly enjoyable update of the 1960 version, but offers little or no surprises. If you've never seen any of the previous films, I guess it's worth a look. If you've seen the others, then you're safe skipping this one. I give it a B-.

It Came From The Cineplex: Hitman: Agent 47

Welp, it looks like summer's definitely over. The days are getting shorter, the temperature's cooling, and all the big budget blockbusters are fading from the theaters, replaced by duds the studios are trying to unload. It's like the changing of the seasons!

Hitman: Agent 47 was written by Michael Finch & Skip Woods (it took two people to write this?) and directed by Aleksander Bach.

Woods previously wrote the original Hitman, Swordfish, X-Men Origins: Wolverine, The A-Team, A Good Day To Die Hard and Sabotage, which tells you everything you need to know about his career. How the hell does this man keep getting work? Blackmail photos? A contract with Satan?

Finch cowrote The November Man and Predators (which was actually a pretty good film).

Bach is a director of music videos and TV commercials. Hitman: Agent 47 is his cinematic directorial debut. Don't buy that boat just yet, Aleksander!

Was anyone out there really clamoring for another Hitman film? Someone? Anyone? I can't see how. I have a ticket stub from the original 2007 film, so I apparently saw it, but darned if I can remember a single thing about it. By all indications it was a critical and box office failure, grossing less than $40 million dollars. Why would any studio in their right mind ever want to make another?

I don't understand why Hollywood keeps trying to make movies based on video games. That trick never works! OK, so the original Mortal Kombat was pretty good, but it came out twenty years ago! It's time to throw in the video game movie towel.

So what the hell is this film? Is it a sequel, a reboot or a remake? I honestly don't care enough to try and figure it out. These "requels" seem to be the hot trend this year, as Terminator Genysis, Mad Max: Fury Road, Jurassic World and Vacation all came out this summer and fall into this category.

SPOILERS, I GUESS!

The Plot:

I'll try and be brief here to spare us all any unnecessary pain. In the far off year of 1967, Dr. Peter Litvenko headed a program that created genetically perfect assassins, which were imaginatively called Agents. These Agents had abnormally high strength, speed and agility, and were completely emotionless. Litvenko realized such a program was a mistake and disappeared, leaving behind a young daughter named Katia.

Over the years many agencies tried to replicate the Agent Program without  success. One of these agengies, Syndicate International, realizes the only way to produce their own Agents is to find Litvenko. Agent 47 (played by Rupert Friend) is assigned to prevent this from happening.

The now adult Katia is also searching the world for her father. She's approached by a man who calls himself John Smith (played by Zachary Quinto), who tells her that Agent 47 is going to kill her, and she needs his protection. 47 appears, shoots Smith in the chest and captures Katia.

Agent 47 then explains to Katia that they're both part of the same program, but that she's more advanced. He trains her (very) briefly in how to use her previously unknown abilities. They're attacked by the Syndicate, including John Smith, who's somehow still alive. Smith is apparently a Syndicate Agent, and is nigh-indestructible. They escape and flee to Singapore, where Katia's father Litvenko is in hiding.

They find Litvenko, who's now dying and needs an inhaler to breathe. He apologizes to Katia for abandoning her when she as young, and tells her that Agent 47 is her brother. The Syndicate attacks again, and Agent 47 secretly slips a special explosive inhaler into Litvenko's pocket. Litvenko is captured and taken to Syndicate International headquarters.

Smith then tortures Litvenko to force him to restart the Agent Program. Agent 47 and Katia infiltrate Syndicate Headquarters to stage a rescue. 47 manages to electrocute Smith. LeClerq, the head of Syndicate, grabs Litvenko and flies off in a helicopter. Litvenko detonates it with his handy explosive inhaler.

With the Syndicate threat eliminated, Agent 47's handler Diana calls him and tells him to complete his mission by killing Katia. He refuses, dropping the phone off the side of the building. Why, it's as if this emotionless killer has developed feelings for his sister after all! As he and Katia leave, they're confronted by Agent 48, who looks exactly like 47. Katia and Agent 47 fire their guns at him as we fade to black and the film mercifully ends.

Thoughts:

• The movie starts out with the dreaded Narrated Infodump, trying in vain to fill us in on the details of this world and explain what we're about to see. With very few exceptions, if you see one of these infodumps you should immediately gather your belongings and exit the theater in a brisk and orderly manner. 

The infodump helpfully informs us that the Agent program was started in the futuristic year of 1967. You remember the Sixties, don't you? The Beatles, the Summer Of Love, and the decade in which we mapped out the human genome? No? That didn't happen until 2003? Well, I'm sure we must have had some way to genetically alter humans back then anyway. 

So Agent 47 was apparently born in the 1960s. The movie appears to take place in the present day, but he doesn't look like he's in his fifties. Did his altered genes slow down his aging process? 

I'm assuming all this is covered in the video games, but that doesn't make it any less ridiculous.

• Agent 47 sports an identifying bar code tattoo or brand or something on the back of his neck. Need I point out that bar codes weren't invented until 1973?

• Very little of this movie makes any sense, but it takes place in some gorgeous and exotic locations, so at least you can entertain yourself by watching all the travelogue scenery.

• I'm not quite sure, but there may be a slight possibility that Audi helped finance this film. Virtually every car in the entire film is an Audi, and the camera lovingly caresses every curve of each and every beautifully lit luxury sedan.

• Once again we get a Hitman movie featuring an actor who doesn't look the least bit menacing. Take a look at the character from the video game here. Note his severe hatchet-jawed face and soulless glare. 

Now look at the actors who've been picked to play him. Timothy Olyphant played the title character in 2007's Hitman. He's a decent actor, but once he shaved his head he looked like he was about twelve years old. Note to producers— a hitman who looks like a giant baby isn't intimidating.

This time out we get Rupert Friend (whoever that is), who's way too young and looks amazingly like a bald Legolas from The Lord Of The Rings. Again, guys— wispily built, bald man-elves aren't threatening.

Surely there's a steely-eyed, bald actor somewhere in Hollywood who'd be a better fit for this part?

• Agent 47 deliberately gets captured at the US Embassy in Berlin so he can rescue Katia. Or maybe kill her, I have no idea. This "Getting Captured As Part Of A Master Plan" plot point is getting old fast. I see it over and over in action and comic book movies. Loki even did it in The Avengers!

As Agent 47 is being questioned, he tells his interrogator, "I'm not locked in here with you. You're locked in here with me." Jesus Christ! I'd have done a spit take during that scene if I could afford the movie theater's $8 soft drinks. That's one of the most famous lines from Watchmen, uttered by psychotic vigilante/anti-hero Rorschach. Did they really think they could get away with swiping one of the most famous movie quotes from the past ten years?

• The organization trying to wipe out the Agent program is called Syndicate International. That has to be the blandest, most generic name possible. Were "Amalgamated Cartel" and "Multinational Conglomerate" already taken?

• When we first see Agent John Smith, he's standing over a dead man lying in a bathtub, with a toaster floating in it. It's implied that Smith killed the man by tossing the toaster into the water, electrocuting him.

Whoops! That might have worked back in the 1960s, but these days you can't kill yourself (or your spouse) that way. We now have GFCI (Ground Fault Circuit Interupter) outlets to protect  against just such a thing. When these circuits detect a power surge, they trip the breaker and shut off the juice to the outlet.

• John Smith survives several point blank gunshot wounds because he has "subdermal titanium armor." That's right, he has goddamned bullet proof armor under his skin. Not only is he still somehow alive after that was implanted, but he's still the relative size of a normal human male. You know, even for a video game movie, that's pretty far-fetched. At least Wolverine just has adamantium-coated bones.

• Agent 47 captures Katia and for some reason hides her to a jet engine factory. He ties her to a chair in front of a massive jet engine, and tells her she's an Agent like him. She doesn't believe him, so in order to prove it and unlock her Agent-y potential, he activates the jet engine and leaves. She then has only seconds to somehow free herself from the chair before she's sucked into the engine and ground into a fine powder.

Um... that's kind of an extreme method of training, isn't it? What if she hadn't been able to untie herself in time? Didn't 47 kind of need her in order to find Litvenko and complete his contract?

• Agent 47's handler is Diana Burnwood, who's played by Hong Kong model, singer and actress Angelababy. Yeah, I've never heard of her either, but she's a big deal in Asia.

Angelababy LITERALLY, in every sense of the word, phones in her performance. She's only in a few brief scenes, and she and Agent 47 never once appear together. Instead she calls him on the phone, giving him orders and advice. It looks for all the world like a camera crew filmed her on the way to her next modeling gig.

Hitman: Agent 47 is an unwanted and unasked for sequel (or remake or reboot, who knows?) to a mediocre movie based on a video game. You'd have just as good a time sitting on the edge of your bed and staring at the floor. I give it a C.