Maniac Remake

This week director Nicolas Winding Refn announced he plans to remake the 1988 horror film Maniac Cop.

The original film is considered a grindhouse classic, and starred the late Robert Z'Dar as a New York City policeman who goes on a murderous kill spree (which sounds like something that audiences might have eaten up in 1988, but wouldn't fly here in 2017).

Refn is the visionary director behind such controversial movies such as Drive, Only God Forgives and The Neon Demon. His films are always visually stunning, filled with impeccably composed shots that feature bold lighting and brilliant, oversaturated colors.

Unfortunately Refn's films contain little or nothing in the way of content. No story, no plot and definitely no soul. His work is the very definition of Style Over Substance. But hey, they look amazing and the soundtrack's usually awesome, so there's that!

Refn's films are also incredibly slow moving. Wait, did I say it was slow? I meant glacial. His movies consist of interminable static scenes in which absolutely nothing moves. Not the camera, not the actors, and definitely not the plot. I've seen drying paint that was more exciting. 

Watching The Neon Demon was literally like staring at a still photo for five minutes. I cannot emphasize this enough. In fact I streamed the movie a while back and as I watched it, a couple of times I thought there was a glitch and the picture had frozen. That's how static his films are!

In fact, I can probably come up with a pretty good simulation of Refn's upcoming version of Maniac Cop right now! Just sit there in your chair and stare at the above still of Robert Z'Dar for ninety minutes, while listening to some pulsing House Music cranked up to eleven. Voila! You just experienced one of Nicolas Winding Refn's movies!

Anyone Got A Spare Time Machine?

Does anyone out there have a time machine I could borrow for a little bit? Last night I watched The Neon Demon, and I'd really, really like to un-watch it somehow.

By the way, don't let this cryptic post pique your curiosity and make you seek it out. Trust me on this one— you don't want to see it. 

It's a slow-moving, symbolic, artsy bit of indulgent filmmaking by Nicolas Winding Refn, director of Only God Forgives and Drive. It defies categorization, but it's kind of a horror film about a young girl who's chewed up and spit out (heh) by the unforgiving world of fashion modeling.

Wait, did I say it was slow-moving? I meant glacial. There are dozens of moody scenes in which absolutely nothing moves. Not the camera, not the actors, and definitely not the plot. It's like staring at a still photo for five minutes. I've seen drying paint that was more exciting.

But hey, it looks amazing, and the soundtrack is awesome, so there's that.

It's not just me, either. The film was booed when it premiered at the Cannes Film Festival, and many audience members walked out on it.

So you've been warned. Don't seek out The Neon Demon. Sit on the edge of your bed and stare at the floor for two hours instead. You'll get just as much out of it.