Snow White And The Seven "Magical Creatures"

Last year Disney announced they were pumping out yet another entry in their seemingly endless series of dreadful live action remakes. This time it was Snow White— the film that pretty much kicked off the entire studio!

Like most of their recent remakes, this one appeared to be more concerned with diversity and inclusion than story, as it would feature a Latina actress in the titular role. I know better than to even attempt to tiptoe through that particularly deadly minefield, so let's just ignore that and move on to the bigger topic at hand— the seven dwarfs.

Apparently actor Peter Dinklage— who's apparently now the self-appointed leader of the entire dwarf community— wasn't thrilled with this news. On the Mark Maron podcast he stated: 

"Take a step back and look at what you’re doing there. It makes no sense to me. You’re progressive in one way, but you’re still making that fucking backward story about seven dwarfs living in a cave together. Have I done nothing to advance the cause from my soapbox? I guess I’m not loud enough.”

Oh, trust me, Pete, you're definitely loud enough!

What the hell's he talking about here? The Snow White dwarfs didn't live in a cave. They lived in a lovely little cottage nestled deep in the woods! They marched to work every morning in a mine, which he apparently somehow mistook for a cave.

Dinklage is also confused about the nature of the dwarfs in the story. We're talking fantasy dwarfs here. They're a race of diminutive people who are all supposed to be small (think Gimli from The Lord Of The Rings). They're not humans with defective genes like him. 

As such, there's nothing the least bit offensive about the dwarfs in Snow White or other fairy tales.

Apparently Dinklage is one of the most powerful people in all of Hollywood. Immediately after his angry screed, Disney bent the knee to him and announced they were nixing the dwarfs from this new remake, and replacing them with a troupe of "magical creatures."

What the hell did that mean? Would their troupe now consist of seven unicorns? Centaurs? Dragons? A mix of them all?

Welp, this week we finally got our answer. Behold, here's our first look at Snow White with her band of magical creatures!

You have got to be shitting me here...

Jaysis, this looks like a bunch of rejects from the world's lamest Ren Faire. Or a particularly inept community theater. Seriously, I've seen comic con cosplayers with more professional looking costumes than this.

In addition to looking cheap and amateurish, none of them look particularly magical either.

And I can't help but notice that there still appears to be a dwarf on this little team. So... I guess seven dwarfs is somehow offensive, but one's perfectly OK? Does seven exceed some secret dwarf quota I don't know about? I honestly don't get it.

Also, I absolutely guarantee that Disney's gonna change ALL the names of these exciting new characters. The original dwarfs names would no doubt be far too triggering for modern audiences. Some, like Dopey and Grumpy, would be considered reductive. Others, like Sleepy and Bashful, would be offensive to people with sleep disorders or social anxiety. 

Let's take a look at 'em and figure out what new names Disney's gonna give 'em. From back to front we have Wish.com Jesus, Tokeena, Diversity Hire-O, Robert Baratheron, Discount Alan Tudyk, Dollar Store Lenny Kravitz and Not-Dinklage.

Well done, Disney! I can tell right now you've got another billion dollar blockbuster on your hands!

Heigh-Ho, Heigh-Ho, We're Canceled Dontcha Know!

This week actor Peter Dinklage went on an ill-advised rant, slamming Disney over their upcoming live-action Snow White remake. 

Unlike most rational adults, he didn't object on the grounds that the world doesn't need yet another subpar version of a beloved classic. Instead, his beef was with the subject matter— specifically the fact that it features dwarfs.

Said Dinklage:

"Take a step back and look at what you're doing there. It makes no sense to me. You're progressive in one way and you're still making that fucking backward story about seven dwarfs living in a cave together (?), what the fuck are you doing, man? Have I done nothing to advance the cause from my soapbox? I guess I'm not loud enough."

Oh, trust me, Pete, you're loud enough alright. 

And what's with the "living in a cave" comment? Do you mean mines? Because the Seven Dwarfs worked in a mine, but they lived in a cottage. The same cottage Snow White found after the Huntsman left her in the woods when he didn't have the heart to kill her. Did you even watch the goddamn movie?

As for Disney, they capitulated in record time. Just a day after Dinklage's diatribe, they released this doozy of a press statement:

"To avoid reinforcing stereotypes from the original animated film, we are taking a different approach with these seven characters and have been consulting with members of the dwarfism community. We look forward to sharing more as the film heads into production after a lengthy development period."

According to inside sources, Disney's now going to replace the traditional Seven Dwarfs with a group of "magical creatures."

Jesus wept.

OK, maybe this is just my "height privilege" showing through, but Dinklage is WAYYYY off base here. Snow White's a fantasy story, set in a world of witches and magic apples. The Dwarfs in it aren't humans with achondroplasia like him— they're a race of people who are all naturally small. Just like Gimli and his folk in Tolkien's stories. And in a hundred other fantasy tales. 

Why the hell is that so hard to figure out? Is he so sensitive about his height that he can't see that?

You watch— today it's the dwarfs in Snow White. Are Hobbits next? How long before Dinklage and the SJW Posse come after The Lord Of The Rings? 

This Seems Like More "Snow White" Movies Than Is Necessary For One Year

If Bob Hope and Jerry Seinfeld were somehow able to spawn a child, it would no doubt be some sort of freakish Franken-comedian and would take a look at the cineplex and video stores and utter, "Say, get a load of all these crazy Snow White movies. Isn't that wild?  Whaaaat's the deal?"

Don't believe the Franken-comedian? Well, right now (June 2012) there's a movie in theaters called Snow White & The Huntsman. It's a stylish retelling of the Snow White story (as you no doubt guessed, sharp as you are) but with more emphasis on the character of the Huntsman, who decides not to cut out Ms. White's heart but instead help her overthrow the Wicked Queen.

Back in March 2012 Mirror Mirror was released to theaters. It's a stylish retelling of the Snow White story, with emphasis on the Wicked Queen.

In stores right now is a direct to DVD (I think) movie called Snow White: A Deadly Summer. The cover is very misleading as the film has little or nothing to do with the Snow White legend. It's more of a contemporary slasher film concerning a girl named Snow whose Evil Stepmother sends her to Discipline Camp, whatever that is.

Technically it probably shouldn't be on the list, but it's got Snow White in the title and people are going to pick it up thinking it's got something to do with the fairly tale. Also if I don't include it, my wacky comedy premise gets shot to hell.

It stars Maureen McCormick (TVs Marsha Brady!) and Eric Roberts, so you know you're in for some fine acting.

Then there's Grimm's Snow White, a budget conscious but stylish retelling of the Snow White story, with elves inexplicably substituted for the dwarves.

This is an Asylum movie, so it was no doubt released the same day as Mirror Mirror, in an effort to confound and confuse the easily befuddled video-watching public and make them think they were renting the movie that was still in theaters. This has been Asylum's business model for the past 15 years.

These four movies have all hit the theater video store just in the first half of the year. I fully expect to see another five to six versions of Snow White by year's end.