Saw Trek

This week the trailer dropped for Spiral, the latest installment of the long-running Saw franchise. Directed by Saw alum Darren Lynn Bousman, the film stars Chris Rock and Samuel L. Jackson (for a couple scenes, at least).

According to press materials, Spiral takes place in the existing Saw canon, and is not a reboot or a direct sequel, whatever that means.

Based on these scenes from the trailer, fans of the franchise won't be disappointed by the amount of blood and gore in this new entry.

Spiral continues the Saw tradition of shocking mutilation and horrific violence as various subjects find themselves the unwitting participants in Jigsaw's sadistic and brutal games.

The relentless carnage and bloodshed doesn't let up for a moment, as... hold on a minute. Is... is that Seven Of Nine? And Icheb? Formerly of Star Trek: Voyager? I... I think it is.

Jesus Jetskiing Christ On A Pony! This isn't the latest Saw movie! It's a scene from the new CBS All Access series Star Trek: Picard! What the frak?

Hear that high-pitched whine, kids? That's Gene Roddenberry's corpse, spinning in its coffin at 2,500 rpm.

Thank the gods old and new for showrunners Alex Kurtzman, Akiva Goldsman and Michael Chabon! At long last these visionaries have figured out what Star Trek's been missing all these decades: TORTURE PORN!

FINALLY! Who wants a dull old series about a Utopian society in which humanity strives to better itself, when we can watch an alien get his eye yanked out of its socket instead? Praise be to the Picard brain trust, for giving the audience what it's always been too stupid to know it needed.

Oh, and by the way— THIS happened in the same episode. A senile Patrick Stewart affects an outRAgeous French accent while wearing an eye patch, and his pal dresses like a space pimp.

Sigh... Star Wars, Doctor Who, The Terminator, Ghostbusters and now Star Trek. Must every single franchise that I used to like be irrevocably ruined?

I am officially rooting for the Coronavirus.

Star TP

In case anyone was wondering, I will not be reviewing CBS All Axes new series Star Trek: Picard, or as some internet wags have dubbed it, Star TP. 

A couple years ago when Star Trek: Discovery (aka STD) premiered, I gave it a fair chance and watched the first three episodes. I realized at that point that even though I'm a lifelong Trek fan, the show was not meant for me and dropped it. I've ignored it ever since.

Same goes for Star TP. Except I didn't even make it through the entire first episode. I got about ten or fifteen minutes in, and tapped out. I've only got a few precious years left on this crap hole of a planet, so I can't afford to waste them on dreck like this. 

Despite anything Sir Patrick Stewart may say in interviews, this is NOT Star Trek. At least not the version featuring a bright and hopeful future created by Gene Roddenberry. How bizarre is it that The Orville is the only true Trek on TV these days?

It took me a while to figure it out, but I've finally figured out what CBS is doing. If you go to any Star Trek convention around the country, you'll be hard-pressed to find an attendee who's under forty years of age. Most are far older than that!

CBS realizes it's only a matter of time until their franchise's demographic dies off completely. To that end, they're trying to interest a new crop of fresh, young fans. Unfortunately the only way they can capture their attention is by abandoning everything Trek stands for, and turning it into a dumbed-down, pew-pew generic space show. Feh.

You whippersnappers can have this new version. There are hundreds of hours of TRUE Trek I can watch over and over without you.