Give It Away, Give It Away, Give It Away Now

This Week In Dumb Ideas, CBS announced they're planning to air Star Trek: Discovery on regular network TV.

OK, for those of you who're blissfully unaware of Discovery (how I envy you), the series premiered in 2017 on the CBS All Access streaming service. It was meant to be their crown jewel, and draw huge numbers of subscribers to the platform (Narrator: It didn't).

Because the show didn't air on broadcast TV, it wasn't bound by network rules. It didn't have to conform to the standard forty two minute content limit for one hour shows, so episodes could be as long as they needed to be. Some were fifty minutes, some sixty five, etc. 

Discovery also didn't have to worry about censorship, so the writers immediately began peppering the series with tons of "shits" and "fucks." Words which up to that point had been alien to Star Trek.

Cut to 2020 and the end of the world.

Thanks to the pandemic, all TV series were forced to shut down production for the past sixth months. That's created quite a problem for the CBS television network, as their new fall schedule is full of holes.

In order to plug one of those unsightly gaps, CBS has decided to air Season 1 of Discovery on regular over the air network TV. That sounds like a GREAT idea!

First of all, Discovery's three years old at this point. Everyone who wants to see it probably has by now. So CBS is basically airing reruns. Why not dust off old M*A*S*H and Dallas episodes and air those two while they're at it?

Secondly, originally Discovery aired exclusively on CBS All Access, which ain't free. It's a paid streaming service. So people who shelled out their hard-earned cash to watch it are gonna be pissed now that it's showing on up free TV.

Lastly, the show's gonna have to be heavily edited for broadcast TV. As I said above, the episodes vary in length, so they're gonna have to cut out a ton of content to whittle 'em down to forty two minutes. There are no ad breaks on All Access either, so Discovery episodes don't ever "fade to commercial." I expect the breaks are gonna be clumsily and abruptly inserted between scenes.

Lastly, there's all the charming profanity that's so prevalent in the series. All those totally necessary shits & fucks will most DEFINITELY have to be edited out for network TV.* So how will they handle this? Cut out any scenes with profanity altogether, or bleep the offending words?

Add it all up, and these numerous edits are gonna make the already mediocre series even MORE unwatchable. CBS must really be desperate for content if they think this is a good idea.

* Yes, I'm aware that profanity's nothing new in Trek. Spock began cursing in The Voyage Home, and Data uttered a worried, "Oh, shit!" in Generations. In both cases though, this cursing was seen as out of the ordinary. Spock was attempting to "fit in" with primitive 20th Century natives, and Data was having trouble adjusting to his emotion chip. It wasn't seen as the norm.

Somebody Make It Stop!

This week CBS— who currently owns Star Trek— announced that they're not done desecrating and mutilating the franchise.

In addition to Star Trek: Discovery (aka STD) and Star Trek: Picard (aka STP), the streaming service unveiled their plans for yet a third series, titled Star Trek: Strange New Worlds.

The new series will reportedly feature the adventures of Captain Pike, Spock and Number One aboard the Enterprise, ten years before the days of James T. Kirk.

Jesus Christ, CBS! Haven't you already defiled the corpse of Star Trek enough at this point? Must you keep on sucking it dry until there's nothing left? Have you no sense of decency, sirs, at long last? Have you no sense of decency?

For the record, I gave STD a shot (heh), as I watched the first three episodes before deciding it wasn't made for me. I tried to do the same with Picard, but couldn't make it all the way through the first episode. 

As a result I didn't bother with Season 2 of STD, but I did catch a few online clips of actors Anson Mount as Captain Pike and Rebecca Romijn as Number One (the less said about Emo Spock, the better). I liked what I saw of them, as the two played somewhat recognizable versions of their Original Series namesakes.

Unfortunately, two decent characters do not a series make, and they couldn't lift STD from the morass into which modern day Trek has sunk.

These shows may be labeled Star Trek, but take my word for it, they're as far from Gene Roddenberry's vision as humanly possible— somewhere on the outskirts of the Delta Quadrant.

That's why I have absolutely zero hope for Strange New Worlds. Especially if noted Hack Alex Kurtzman is involved. He's the visionary writer/producer/director who brought us such classics as Transformers, Star Trek (2009), Star Trek Into Darkness, The Amazing Spider-Man 2 and The Mummy (2017). Nuff said!

There's no doubt in my mind that Strange New Worlds will be more of the same, emphasizing action and space battles over good storytelling as it tromps all over established Trek canon. Feh!

If STD and Picard represents the best CBS can do with the Trek franchise, then I wish they'd just let it die. At this point I consider these new shows to be nothing but elaborate and expensive fan fiction, to be ignored. I'll stick with reruns of the Original Series and TNG, thanks.

Star TP

In case anyone was wondering, I will not be reviewing CBS All Axes new series Star Trek: Picard, or as some internet wags have dubbed it, Star TP. 

A couple years ago when Star Trek: Discovery (aka STD) premiered, I gave it a fair chance and watched the first three episodes. I realized at that point that even though I'm a lifelong Trek fan, the show was not meant for me and dropped it. I've ignored it ever since.

Same goes for Star TP. Except I didn't even make it through the entire first episode. I got about ten or fifteen minutes in, and tapped out. I've only got a few precious years left on this crap hole of a planet, so I can't afford to waste them on dreck like this. 

Despite anything Sir Patrick Stewart may say in interviews, this is NOT Star Trek. At least not the version featuring a bright and hopeful future created by Gene Roddenberry. How bizarre is it that The Orville is the only true Trek on TV these days?

It took me a while to figure it out, but I've finally figured out what CBS is doing. If you go to any Star Trek convention around the country, you'll be hard-pressed to find an attendee who's under forty years of age. Most are far older than that!

CBS realizes it's only a matter of time until their franchise's demographic dies off completely. To that end, they're trying to interest a new crop of fresh, young fans. Unfortunately the only way they can capture their attention is by abandoning everything Trek stands for, and turning it into a dumbed-down, pew-pew generic space show. Feh.

You whippersnappers can have this new version. There are hundreds of hours of TRUE Trek I can watch over and over without you.

Thanks, I Hate Data Now

CBS, the people who brought us the awful Star Trek: Discovery (or STD) for short, are now making a new series starring Captain Picard. In an unprecedented and impressive burst of creativity, the show's imaginatively titled "Picard."

They're doing everything they can to ensure this new series is a hit, including pulling virtually every old TNG actor out of the retirement home and shoving them in front of the camera. 

That includes Brent Spiner as Data. Or at least I think it's Data. WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOUR FACE?

Thanks, I hate Data now.

Jesus, he's not in the uncanny valley, he's at the bottom of the uncanny Mariana Trench! Part of the reason why he looks so strange and oft putting is no doubt due to the ravages of age. But there's more to it than that.

For reasons too complicated to go into right now, whenever CBS puts out anything Trek related, they're legally obligated to make it 25% different from any of the old series. That's why everything on STD didn't look anything like the Star Trek we all know and love, even though it supposedly took place ten years before the Original Series.

I don't know how you measure a 25% difference, but there you go. So apparently this is what Data looks like when he's 25% different.

M-O-O-N, That Spells "Eh, I Guess So"

For the past five years now, I've been occasionally blogging about the Hollywood film adaptation of The Stand, based on the Stephen King book of the same name.

You can read those previous posts here, if you've a mind to:
M-O-O-N, That Spells "I've Got A Bad Feeling About This"
M-O-O-N, That Spells, "I Have A Slightly Better Feeling About This"
M-O-O-N, That Spells "Oh For Cryin' Out Loud!"
M-O-O-N, That Spells "Let's Call The Whole Thing Off!"
M-O-O-N, That Spells "I'm Cautiously Optimistic"

See, The Stand is my all time favorite book, and I've probably read it twenty or thirty times over the years. So naturally I have a vested interest in a new film adaptation, and want the producers to do justice to the story.

Unfortunately, each update on the production has been more appalling than the last, and it was finally shelved in 2016.

But wait! Apparently the project's back on! It's now reportedly going to be a ten episode miniseries on CBS: All Access, the fine folks who've brought us two miserable seasons of Star Trek: Discovery, aka STD. Um... hooray, I guess?

Earlier this year CBS announced they'd cast James Marsden as main character Stu Redman, Odessa Young as his love interest Fran Goldsmith, Greg Kinnear as retired sociologist Glen Bateman, Amber Heard as the shifty Nadine Cross, Henry Zaga as deaf-mute Nick Andros, Nat Wolff as ex-con Lloyd Henreid and Whoopi Goldberg as the 108 year old Mother Abigail. 

So far I have no particular opinion one way or another about any of these people. Hopefully they'll all surprise me once I see them in action.

In the past couple weeks CBS has announced two more cast members.

First up is shock-rocker Marilyn Manson (aka Brian Warner) in an "undisclosed" role. Interesting! OK, now they've got my attention! 

I'm a bit puzzled as to why they're being so secretive about who Manson's playing though. He's wayyyy too old to play unhinged teen Harold Lauder, so that's out. My money's on the pyromaniac Trashcan Man. That's a role that calls for someone with an unsettling, disturbing look to them, and can play batsh*t crazy without even trying. Manson definitely fills the bill there.

CBS also revealed they'd finally found their Randall Flagg, the Big Bad of The Stand. Flagg, aka The Dark Man, aka The Walkin' Dude and many other monikers, will be played by actor Alexander Skarsgard.

Eh. I guess so. I think most fans were picturing someone who can be menacing and charming at the same time, like Matthew McConaughey, Sebastian Stan or Tom Hardy.

Skarsgard just seems like... I dunno, a cipher to me. I was underwhelmed by his casting, but then I realized I'm really not that familiar with Skarsgard's work. I've heard of him of course, but a quick look through IMDB shows I've seen exactly three of his sixty three film credits: Zoolander, Battleship (oy) and the title role in The Legend Of Tarzan (oy gevalt!).

I'm sure he's done actual impressive work, but you'd never be able to prove it by those three examples! Hopefully he'll surprise me and be able to pull off the "friendly but creepy" vibe that Flagg needs.

Hey, his brother's Bill Skarsgard, aka Pennywise The Dancing Clown! Maybe Bill can give him some pointers on how to be reeeally scary?

Not A Moment 2 Soon!

Good news today, folks! Our long national nightmare is FINALLY over! CBS just announced it's canceling 2 Broke Girls! Huzzah! Pity it took them six seasons.

I freely admit I've never watched an entire episode of this "show." I probably saw a grand total of five minutes of it over the past six years, as I waited for other shows to start. I'd see the occasional promo for the series here and there, and my god, even those were shockingly vulgar. It's like the show was written for and by horny fourteen year old boys.

For example, here's just a sampling of the show's "hilarious" brand of humor:

Blonde Broke Girl: "How far should I go on the first date?"
Other Broke Girl: "Anal?"
(Stay classy, CBS!)

Other Broke Girl: "You just made it in to Oleg's 'spank bank!"
Oleg: "Congratulations!"

Other Broke Girl: (as she tries vaping for the first time) "This is silly. If. If I'm gonna suck on something this hard and get no pleasure out of it, I should just date."
(Congratulations, CBS! You just brought the blowjob joke to Prime Time TV!)

Blonde Broke Girl: "You're lucky I edited your application."Other Broke Girl: "Why? What was so bad?"Blonde Broke Girl: "You requested to work in Santa's sex toy shop. Max, that's not even a thing."

Other Broke Girl: "Tell that to my candy-cane shaped vibrator."Blonde Broke Girl: "Max!"Other Broke Girl: "I call it "Santa's big helper!"
(Yep, nothing goes together like Xmas and vibrator jokes!)

Blonde Broke Girl: "Max, the guy is coming right now."Other Broke Girl: "That's the first time anyone's been polite enough to announce that to me."

(You can practically feel the writer straining here as he bends over backward trying to make a "joke" out of this)

Other Broke Girl: "Oleg, Sophie is just feeling a little smothered."
Oleg: "She feels smothered? Have you ever tried motorboating those cans of hers?"Other Broke Girl: "Once, but I was very drunk at the time."
(Jesus Christ, now they're doing motorboating jokes on TV!)

Blonde Broke Girl: "Oh, a surprise party. Isn't this sweet, Max?"Other Broke Girl: "I don't trust it. Last time Oleg yelled "surprise" at me, his penis was on a hot dog bun."

(HAW HAW! Indecent exposure and sexual harassment in the workplace is hiLARious!)

Ace: Hey, you know what's cool? Other Broke Girl: Short guys with big penises?
(That's... that's not even a joke...)

Max Black: "Stop fighting it; just give in to it. I don't know why I'm quoting a rapist... "

(From what I could tell, this show features an uncomfortably high number of rapist "jokes")

Sexual innuendo can be funny when it's clever and done right. There's no subtlety here though. It's just a bunch of unpleasant characters blurting out sexual positions and names of various orifices. Jeezus, you don't have to be a prude to think that this crap isn't funny.

Good riddance, 2 Broke Girls!

Super Perd!

There's a new Supergirl series on CBS, from the people who produce The Flash and Arrow.

I caught the pilot episode and thought it was OK. Very much like the superhero shows on The CW. I probably won't be reviewing it here though, as I just don't have the time. Unless maybe I can convince the board members here at Bob Canada's BlogWorld to hire more employees. 

Anyway, here's a screencap from the second episode, as Supergirl watches a news report on TV

Take a good long look at that newscaster. It's Perd Hapley, from NBC's Parks & Recreation! Wow! I guess Perd must have moved out of Pawnee and got a job in National City, where Supergirl lives.

So you know what this means! Yep, Supergirl and Parks & Rec both take place in the same universe!

I can't wait for the crossover episode where Leslie Knope meets Supergirl and tells her she's always admired her and how empowers young women wanting to go into politics. Will Ron Swanson tell Supergirl she should quit saving people's lives, and let nature take its course? Will April Ludgate become Supergirl's evil archenemy? Stay tuned!

Red Alert!

This week the producers of CBS' upcoming new Supergirl TV series released a photo of the Red Tornado, a sentient android who threatens the world.

Yikes. That's... that's not good. I've seen cosplayers throw better costumes together in a weekend. Hopefully once he's shot on film with proper lighting he'll look better. He'd have to.

Wow, a red skinned android with super powers and a fussy, needlessly textured costume? That's isn't the least bit similar to the Vision in Avengers: Age Of Ultron. 

Actually this similarity between Red Tornado and the Vision is nothing new. Both characters debuted in the same year, way back in 1968.

I'm gonna have to give Vision the win here though, since he came first in live action, and his costume doesn't look like it's made out of burlap dipped in Rustoleum.

Super Suit

This week CBS began filming the pilot for their Supergirl series. It stars Melissa Benoist as Supergirl. Benoist previously starred in Glee. Oddly enough, The Flash's Grant Gustin is also a Glee alum. What is it with that show and superheroes?

I'm honestly surprised they're calling the series SuperGIRL. Given our politically correct, all-inclusive, hypersensitive society, it's a wonder they didn't call it Super Empowered Young Woman, Unequaled Woman Of Strength or Exceptional Woman Who Don't Need No Man To Tell Her She's Super.

Also this week, CBS released an image of the Supergirl costume:

Eh, it's actually not bad. I like it. It looks quite a bit like the one Supergirl wore in her comics debut way back in 1959. It's also very similar to the one Helen Slater wore in the 1984 Supergirl movie.

Of course DC couldn't help themselves and constructed the costume out of the same scaly, reptilian substance they used for Superman's outfit a couple of years ago in Man Of Steel. Because God forbid they make a costume out of some kind of cloth. It's even festooned with superfluous piping and details just like his.

And just like the Man Of Steel get-up, it's dull, drab and dingy-looking. Would it have killed them to have added a bit of color to it? This is DC we're talking about though, and they firmly believe superhero movies should be dark and joyless affairs, hence the funereal colors.

I took the liberty of lightening the costume in Photoshop. There, now doesn't that look better? Doesn't that look like the costume of someone who's happy to have her powers and actually enjoys being a hero?

I guess it could have been worse. They could have gone with this recent comic version of the costume, complete with useless boot holes that leave the knees unprotected, along with a giant red crotch arrow. Note to DC's comic artists: "Red" and "Crotch" are two words that should never appear next to one another.