Cruz Contol

This past weekend at the annual CPAC conference (which I think stands for "C*nts, Pricks And Cocks"— I may be wrong about that though), bloated plutocrat and everyone's favorite human Ted Cruz gave a baffling speech to an even more puzzled audience. In it, Cruz attempted to demonstrate how "hip" and "with it" he is by interjecting it with 40 year old movie references:

"Listen to William Wallace, and let me tell you, the media here looks at the men and women gathered here, at the young people gathered here, as dangerous radicals. This is the Rebel Alliance and Vader and the emperor, and let’s be clear, they’re not your father, are terrified of the rebels who are here... We aren’t the Borg enforcing… Okay, I may have committed a cardinal sin, mixing Star Wars and Star Trek. Next thing you know, you’re going to cross the streams and the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man is going to come. Too many terrible references there."

Thanks, I hate Braveheart, Star Wars, Star Trek and Ghostbusters now.

Good News And Bad News

Huzzah! After a crushing defeat in my home state of Indiana on Tuesday night, simpering ninny, Zodiac Killer and lizard alien Raphael Edward Cruz, better known as Ted, dropped out of the presidential race. Thank the Maker! Our country definitely dodged a bullet there.

Unfortunately that leaves human Jack-O-Lantern Donald Drumph as the uncontested and presumptive Republican nominee. This truly is the Darkest Timeline.

My feelings about Cruz dropping out and Drumph winning the nomination are perfectly summed up by this gif.

Rarely have I seen such an oily, off-putting homonculus as Ted Cruz. I can't quite put my finger on it, but there's something about him that makes him completely unappealing in every measurable sense. 

Everything he does is awkward and uncoordinated. He even looks uncomfortable when he's simply standing still. It's like he grew up in a closet and has never been around other humans before. Or like an alien who donned a human skin suit for the first time.

And it's not just me. This is how his own wife kisses him! Look at the poor woman. She can barely suppress her shuddering revulsion as she pulls away in horror from him as he tries to insert his ovipositor down her throat.

Anyway, so much for Ted Cruz. Before I go, I'd like to leave you with this image from his concession speech, in which he punches and elbows his wife in the face not once, not twice, but three times! Good riddance, Ted!

I Don't Know Which One To Punch First

I've been trying to stay away from politics here at Bob Canada's BlogWorld, mainly because I don't care, plus I'm repulsed by all the current presidential candidates. But I noticed something a couple days ago that I had to share.

Here's presidential candidate Ted Cruz. Just look at that smug, simpering face. Don't you feel compelled to just punch it?

And here's film "heartthrob" Miles Teller, star of last year's Fant4stic. He has an equally irritating and self-righteous face.

Just look at their nearly identical, eminently punchable faces. The two of them look like they could be father and son. If Teller doesn't somehow turn out to be Ted Cruz's secret love child, then I'll eat my hat. 

I honestly can't decide which one to punch first. Hey, I've got two fists— maybe I'll punch 'em both at the same time!