Today's Trump Tidbit: The Emperor's First Overseas Trip

Back in February, I decided I was going to start a new feature here at Bob Canada's BlogWorld, in which I would chronicle all the batsh*t insane things our Glorious Leader Trump did each week.

Sadly, I threw in the towel after just two installments. It was literally impossible to keep up with all the crap that Trumpy did and said on a daily basis. It would take me twelve or fourteen hours a day, every day. I am not kidding. It's that bad.

So I've contented myself with occasionally talking about the REALLY outrageous things he says and does. Like these!

Gods help us, but this week Emperor Cheeto's taking his first foreign trip since becoming president.

His first stop was Saudi Arabia, where First Lady Melania chose not to wear the traditional head scarf, which is required of all women who appear in public.

Note that it's not required for foreign-born women to cover their heads, and most don't.

You can probably guess where this is going. Back in 2015, Trumpy blasted Michelle Obama for not wearing a scarf when she traveled to the country...

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Trumpy took country music singer Toby Keith with him to Saudi Arabia to perform at a concert there.

You know, the same Toby Keith who wrote such touching ballads as Whiskey Girl, Drunk Americans and I Love This Bar. Songs that are sure to go over well in a country that's outlawed the drinking of alcohol and the mixing of sexes in public. Well done, Don!

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Is everything OK in the Trump household? Any marital spats, resentment or tensions that have been simmering for months, only for the stress of overseas travel to cause them to bubble to the surface?

The reason I ask is that Melania seems unwilling to hold hands with the Commander-In-Chief.

Here they are on a red carpet in Saudi Arabia. Note how she visibly swats him away as he attempts to hold her hand.

And here they are the next day, exiting Air Force One. Note that Trumpenstein reaches for Melania's hand and... DENIED! She jerks it away with lightning speed, pretending to adjust her hair rather than have her husband try to wrap his tiny, clammy digits around her hand.

It's obvious from these incidents that the First Lady recoils in revulsion at her husband's very touch. Honestly, who could blame her?

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On Day Two of Trumpy's Saudi Arabia visit, he reportedly dropped out of an event due to "extreme exhaustion," sending his daughter instead.

Hmm. Didn't he tweet something about this topic a year or so ago? Something about stamina?

Ah, here we go! I guess traveling to another country and shaking hands with various dignitaries must be MUCH more stressful than running an entire country!

Does Trump understand that we can still see everything he ever tweeted?

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No time to rest for Glorious Leader! On day three, he visited Israel's National Holocaust Memorial Center in Jerusalem.

As he left the museum, he signed the guest book, writing:

"It is a great honor to be here with all my friends. So amazing and will never forget."

That... doesn't seem like an appropriate sentiment for such a solemn institution. Did... did he think he was signing someone's yearbook?

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The whirlwind tour continued, as Emperor Cheeto visited the Vatican on Wednesday, for a meeting with none other than Pope Francis! And the Pontiff couldn't have been happier to meet the leader of the free world!

Just look at the Pope's jubilant expression! He's so ecstatic he can barely stay in the frame!

It should be a law that from this day forward, any and all books about Body Language MUST include this photo.

I imagine this photo session went something like this:

Photographer: "OK, everybody smile now. Your Holiness, could you scooch in a bit to your right?"

Pope: "Just take the goddamned picture!"

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Lastly, on Thursday Trumpy attended a NATO conference in Brussels, to mark the nation of Montenegro becoming an official member of the organization.

After the meeting, Glorious Leader physically grabs Dusko Markovic, the Prime Minister of Montenegro, and literally shoves him out of the way so he can get a good spot in front of the cameras. He then just out his chin as he theatrically adjusts his jacket, in a typical display of dominance.

Congratulations, Trumpy! We're now at war with Montenegro!

Only two days left on his trip!

Let Them Eat Cake!

Back in February, I decided I was going to start a new feature here at Bob Canada's BlogWorld, in which I would chronicle all the batsh*t insane things our Glorious Leader Trump did each week.

Sadly, I threw in the towel after just two installments. Why? Because I literally could not keep up with all the crap that Trumpy did and said on a daily basis. It would take me ten hours a day, every day. I am not kidding. It's that bad.

Actually I'm glad I did give up, because listing all the bizarre things he utters and all the atrocities he's committing was frankly just too depressing.

So I've contented myself with occasionally talking about the REALLY outrageous things he says and does. Like this one!

Last Wednesday (April 12, 2017), Glorious Leader Trump sat down for an interview with Maria Bartiromo (whoever that is) of the Fox Business Network (whatever that is). Bartiromo asked Trump about his decision to bomb Syria just a few days earlier. His responses are nothing short of astonishing. Here's a just a taste of the interview:

Bartiromo: "Now, are we going to get involved with Syria?" 

Trump: "No. But if I see them using gas and using things that— I mean even some of the worst tyrants in the world didn't use the kind of gases that they used. And some of the gases are unbelievably potent. So when I saw that, I said we have to do something."

OK, he's rambling as usual, but so far not that bad.

The interview REALLY took an odd turn though, when Trump began talking about his new bestie, Chinese President Xi Jinping.

Trump: "I have a very, very good meeting with President Xi of China. I really liked him. We had a great chemistry, I think. I mean at least I had a great chemistry — maybe he didn't like me, but I think he liked me."

C'mon, Don, tell us! Did he like you, or did he LIKE YOU like you?

Trump: (still talking about President Xi) "We were going to have a 10 or a 15 minute sit-down. It lasted for three hours. Then the next day, it was another schedule, because everything is very orderly with the Chinese, frankly."

OK, subtly racist, but go on.

Trump: "And we had meetings scheduled. Well, the 15 minutes on the first day lasted for three hours. The 15 minutes on the second day lasted for two hours, just one-on-one, the two of us with interpreters. And I mean we understand each other. I think he's, you know, a person that I got along with really well. We had a good chemistry, yes."

I have absolutely no idea what the hell he's talking about here, what with his fifteen minutes that last three hours.

Here's the kicker though. Make sure you're sitting before you read his next blathering.

Trump: (still talking about his meeting with President Xi) "But I will tell you, only because you've treated me so good for so long, I have to right? I was sitting at the table. We had finished dinner. We're now having dessert. And we had the most beautiful piece of chocolate cake that you've ever seen and President Xi was enjoying it." 

"And I was given the message from the generals that the ships are locked and loaded, what do you do? And we made a determination to do it, so the missiles were on the way. And I said, Mr. President, let me explain something to you. This was during dessert. We've just fired 59 missiles, all of which hit, by the way, unbelievable, from, you know, hundreds of miles away, all of which hit, amazing."

Bartiromo: "Unmanned?"

Trump: "Brilliant. It's so incredible. It's brilliant. It's genius. Our technology, our equipment, is better than anybody by a factor of five. I mean look, we have, in terms of technology, nobody can even come close to competing. Now we're going to start getting it, because, you know, the military has been cut back and depleted so badly by the past administration and by the war in Iraq, which was another disaster."

"So what happens is I said we've just launched 59 missiles heading to Iraq and I wanted you to know this. And he was eating his cake. And he was silent."

Bartiromo: "To Syria?" 

Trump: "Yes. Heading toward Syria. In other words, we've just launched 59 missiles heading toward Syria. And I want you to know that, because I didn't want him to go home. We were almost finished. It was a full day in Palm Beach. We're almost finished and I— what does he do, finish his dessert and go home and then they say, you know, the guy you just had dinner with just attacked a country?"

Bartiromo: "How did he react?"

Trump: "So he paused for 10 seconds and then he asked the interpreter to please say it again. I didn't think that was a good sign. And he said to me, anybody that uses gases— you could almost say or anything else— but anybody that was so brutal and uses gases to do that young children and babies, it's OK."

So there you have it. Our President literally cannot be bothered to learn the name of the country he just bombed, but goddamn if he doesn't love him some some desert! No matter which side of the Syria situation you're on, you cannot deny that this is some bizarre fraking behavior.

Jesus wept. You know, going on and on almost orgiastically about a goddamned piece of chocolate cake while nonchalantly sending missiles to another country is so callous. Yeah, he's bombing an enemy force, but doing so while sitting in a luxurious resort, shoveling desert into his mouth... if that isn't the definition of decadent, then I don't know what is.

It feels like something President Snow would do in The Hunger Games!

This truly is the darkest timeline...

Does Whatever An Evil, Bloated Plutocrat Can

DATELINE:WASHINGTON, D.C.— 

Today in the White House, President Trump was unexpectedly confronted by a mob of angry citizens concerned about his new national healthcare plan.

Trump immediately spun around and made several "thwip thwip" sounds with his mouth as he held out both hands, as he apparently attempted to shoot webbing from his wrists and swing away from the mob, ala Spider-Man.

After several seconds the President seemingly remembered he never developed superpowers as a result of a bite from a radioactive spider, and lumbered down the hall and into a secure wing of the White House.

Has It Really Only Been Four Weeks?

Believe it or not, this past Friday (February 17, 2017) marked our Glorious Leader Trump's first four weeks in office. Seriously? It's really only been a month? That can't possibly be right, can it? If feels more like twelve years.

It's been quite an eventful period, as Trump tried to cram a full year's worth of atrocities into just twenty eight short days. Let's take a look back at his second two weeks in office, shall we (you can see a summary of his first two weeks in office here)?

By the way, in the future I may occasionally post something noteworthy that Big Orange does, but I don't think I'm going to keep listing his daily activities after this. It's honestly exhausting trying to keep track of all his abominations.

Sunday, February 5, 2017

A busy day for the country, as backers and opponents of Glorious Leader Trump's Muslim Travel Ban (which he insists isn't a ban) held competing protests at the LA International airport.

Trump is interviewed by Fox News' Bill O'Reilly, and says he respects Vladimir Putin. O'Reilly points out that the Russian President has had journalists and dissidents murdered, saying, "Putin is a killer." Trump replies, "There are a lot of killers. We have a lot of killers. Well, you think our country is so innocent?"

Trump also denounces California, saying its effort to declare itself a sanctuary state is out of control, and if necessary he'll "defund" them.

Monday, February 6, 2017

Trumpy blasts the "dishonest press," claiming they routinely fail to report massive numbers of terrorist attacks in the U.S. and Europe. The White House then releases a list of seventy eight alleged "under-reported" attacks. Oddly enough, the list contains many extensively covered incidents, such as the Pulse Nightclub attack in Orlando. It also lists attacks in San Bernardino (which the report misspells) and Paris.

Predictably, the internet has a field day with this list, mocking Glorious Leader's pathetic and transparent attempt at fear mongering.

Tuesday, February 7, 2017

Controversial billionaire politician Betsy DeVos is confirmed as the new Secretary of Education, despite having absolutely zero qualifications. Her Senate confirmation hearing ended in a 50-50 tie, which was broken by– you guessed it– Vice President (and Puritan android) Mike Pence.

Sebastian Gorka, Trump's Deputy Assistant, says that as long as the media continues to "attack" the President, the White House will refer to them as "fake news."

Senator Elizabeth Warren attempts to protest the nomination of Senator Jeff Sessions as the new Attorney General, by reading a letter written by Dr. Martin Luther King's widow. Republicans invoke an obscure rule to prevent Warren from reading the letter. Democracy!

Wednesday, February 8, 2017

Upscale department store chain Nordstrom drops Donald Trump's daughter Ivanka's swanky clothing and accessories line. Then, because he has absolutely nothing else on his plate, Glorious Leader does not take this well, denouncing Nordstrom on Twitter. Classy!

Jeff Sessions is confirmed as the new U.S. Attorney General.

Thursday, February 9, 2017

A very busy day for our President. The 9th Circuit Court Of Appeals announces it will not reinstate Trump's Muslim Travel Ban. This infuriates Glorious Leader, who once again voices his anger on Twitter. He even uses all caps to emphasize his rage, telling the Court Of Appeals, "SEE YOU IN COURT, THE SECURITY OF OUR NATION IS AT STAKE."

Trump also launches a Twitter attack on Senator John McCain, who had the effrontery to call the President's raid on Yemen (which resulted in several U.S. military deaths) a failure.

Trump "counsellor" Kellyanne Conway appears on Fox News. Does she talk about the President's plans for the country? Discuss his first few days in office? Defend the Muslim Travel Ban? Nope! She shamelessly endorses Ivanka Trump's Nordstrom product line, which crosses legal and ethical bounds.

Construction on the Dakota Access oil pipeline resumes, after months of protests and legal battles.

Trumpy calls Chinese President Xi Jinping (oh god) and endorses China's sovereignty over Taiwan.

Friday, February 10, 2017

A relatively quiet day. Rep. Tom Price becomes the new Health And Human Services Secretary. Price is a vicious opponent of the Affordable Care Act (aka "Obamacare), and gleefully rubs his hands together as he can't wait to dismantle it.

Saturday, February 11, 2017

Trump takes his second vacation in three weeks, retiring to the luxury Mar-a-lago Club in upscale Palm Beach, Florida, where he hosts a dinner for Japanese Prime Minister Shinzo Abe. During the dinner, news reports surface of a ballistic missile test in North Korea. Trump and Abe then access the situation and discuss strategy in the middle of the crowded, country club restaurant, as laptops and classified documents are in full view of waiters and other diners. Many even take photos of the event (!).

This casual lack of security astounds White House veterans and Trump's own security advisors, as past Presidents have generally had the presence of mind to move to private, secure settings to hash out top secret strategies.

"But... but her emails!"

Amazingly, Trump's Senior Policy Advisor Stephen Miller STILL insists there was voter fraud in the election. Jesus Christ, guys! How many more years are we gonna have to hear about this?

Sunday, February 12, 2017

Glorious Leader continues to host Prime Minister Abe at Mar-a-logo. They play a few rounds of golf at the Trump National Golf Course in Jupiter, Florida.

Later in the day Trump tweets that according to new estimates, the Mexican border wall will cost more a tiny bit more than expected, at around $21 BILLION (!).

Monday, February 13, 2017

Scandal rocks the White House! That was quick, as we're barely four weeks into Trump's reign. Reports surface that Trump's National Security Advisor Michael Flynn had inappropriate secret communications with a Russian diplomat before the election. Both Trump and Vice President Pence deny the allegations. Later that day, Flynn abruptly resigns.

Trump meets with Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau. Amazingly he doesn't start a war with Canada.

Wall Street executive Steven Mnuchin is voted in as the new Treasury Secretary. Oddly enough, Mnuchin is also a Hollywood movie producer. He produced such films as Batman V Superman and Suicide Squad!

Tuesday, Feb. 14

No time for love today, as the White House scrambles to distance itself from the Flynn scandal. White House spokesman Sean Spicer says the White House had been investigating Flynn for several weeks, and he was fired due to "an eroding level of trust." Pence says his previous denials of Flynn's wrongdoings were due to "incomplete information based on media accounts." Translation: "It's not my fault."

The Office Of Government Ethics recommends Trump discipline Kellyanne Conway for hawking Ivanka Trump's fashion line on national TV.

Linda McMahon, wife of WWE wrestling promoter Vince McMahon, is confirmed to lead the Small Business Administration. Is this real life?

Wednesday, February 15, 2017

Glorious Leader blames the Michael Flynn debacle on the media. Trump states, "General  Flynn is a wonderful man. I think he’s been treated very, very unfairly by the media.”

Trump's pick for Labor Secretary, Andy Puzder, withdraws his nomination a day before his confirmation hearing, which isn't the least bit suspicious.

Thursday, February 16, 2017

Donald Trump holds his first solo press conference, and it's everything you'd expect. He continues distancing himself from the Flynn debacle, and denies connections between himself and Russia. He then spends a good deal of time blasting the press as "fake news." Amazingly he admits there are intelligence leaks in his administration, but the news they're reporting is "fake." I... I don't know how to respond to that.

Trump then refers to the press as the "opposition party," which is an extremely troubling and dangerous precedent. I know it's a hackneyed cliche at this point, but that's extremely similar to statements Hitler made about the press in pre-Nazi Germany.

And to top off the press conference, Trump says he's working on a New And Improved Muslim Travel Ban!

Outside the press conference, poor Donald can't seem to give his cabinet positions away. Navy Vice Admiral Robert Harward turns down an offer to be the new National Security Advisor. Who could blame him?

Friday, February 17, 2017

Attorney General Scott Pruitt is confirmed as the new head of the Environmental Protection Agency. This is bad news for people who like to breathe, as Pruitt is an avid climate change denier and has fought federal pollution limits on toxic substances such as soot and mercury in his home state of Oklahoma.

The Associated Press reports the Trump Administration is considering deploying 100,000 National Guard Troops to round up illegal immigrants nationwide (!). The White House denies the report.

Saturday, February 18, 2017

For some reason, Glorious Leader holds a rally at the Orlando-Melbourne International Airport. During the rally, Trump uses fear-mongering to try and drum up support for his Muslim Travel Ban by saying, "You look at what's happening last night in Sweden. Sweden. Who would believe this? Sweden. They took in large numbers. They're having problems like they never thought possible."

Swedish officials are puzzled by Trump's comments, as nothing of note happened in the country the previous day. Or any time in the past year or more. Predictably, the internet has a field day with the "Sweden Incident," and rightly so.

Trump later attempts to clarify his Swedish statement, saying he was referencing a story he saw on Fox News (!). So our President repeatedly and viciously blasts the media as "fake," but that's where he gets the majority of his news. We're very near the end of civilization.

Trump takes his third vacation in four weeks, calling his retreat at Mar-a-lago the "Southern White House." Oy. According to the fake news media, the Trump family's vacations have cost the taxpayers $11.3 MILLION in just one month. This is as much or more as Barack Obama's vacations cost in an entire year.

Sunday, February 19, 2017

On Face The Nation, White House Chief Of Staff Reince Priebus (who sounds like he was a member of Slytherin House), says the public should take Trump seriously when he calls the press "the enemy of the American people." Jesus Christ!

And so ends Glorious Leader Trump's first four weeks in office. It's been quite a terrifying and demoralizing month, but at least you can't say it's been boring! Eh, don't worry about it. It won't be long now before he starts a war with China or some other superpower, and then this will allllll be over.

Has It Really Only Been Two Weeks?

Believe it or not, this past Friday (February 3, 2017) marked our Glorious Leader Trump's first two weeks in office. Seriously? It's really only been two weeks? That can't possibly be right, can it? If feels like twelve years.

It's been quite an eventful period, as Trump tried to cram a full year's worth of atrocities into just fourteen short days. Let's take a look back at his first two weeks in office, shall we?

By the way, this list comes from NPR, so I assume it's all accurate and there are no "alternative facts" here.

Saturday, January 21, 2017
Trump's first full day as president. So how'd he spend this historic day? Did he draft bills? Have a meet & greet with his new staff? Change all the locks in the White House?

Nope, he spent the day arguing over the size of the crowd at his inauguration! He insisted he drew the largest audience in history, despite the fact that aerial photos clearly showed otherwise (in the interest of fairness, it was raining that day, which might have thinned the crowds a bit). 

Hours later, Trump forced his new Press Secretary Sean Spicer to release a statement insisting that Trump's inaugural crowd was the biggest ever, because Glorious Leader must always be the best at everything he does. Sigh...

Meanwhile, the Women's March On Washington, protesting Trump and his policies, drew actual record breaking crowds.

Sunday, January 22, 2017
Trump and his staff just can't let go of the inaugural crowd thing. Trump counselor Kellyanne Conway actually goes on NBC's Meet The Press and says that when Sean Spicer was obviously lying about the crowd sizes, he was simply providing "alternative facts."

The internet predictably has a field day with this phrase. And rightly so.

Monday, January 23, 2017
Monday was a busy day for our Glorious Leader! Out of nowhere, Trump makes unfounded claims that between three and five million illegal votes were cast in the 2016 election, which caused him to lose the popular vote to Hillary Clinton.

Never mind that Trump won the goddamned election— he apparently feels he didn't win it hard enough. In his mind it's simply not possible that he didn't receive one hundred percent of the popular vote, ergo there was voter fraud. It's the only possible explanation.

Man, the only thing worse than a sore loser is a sore winner! You won the goddamned election, Trumpy! Is that not enough for you?

He was able to pry his attention away from this burning issue long enough to signal his intent to withdraw from the Trans Pacific Partnership trade agreement, and instituted a federal hiring freeze.

Spice also held another press conference, blaming the lying press for trying to "undercut the tremendous support" for Trump, and amazingly still insisting his inauguration was the most-watched ever.

Hey, Trumpy, you know that song from Frozen? "Let it go, let it GO!" No one else in the country gives a single sh*t about your goddamned inauguration or how many people were there!

Oh, and ethics experts filed a lawsuit against Trump, stating he's in violation of the Constitution because he hasn't divested himself of his overseas businesses.

Tuesday January 24, 2017
Spicer continues to insist there was widespread voter fraud in the election, but can offer no proof.

Trump approves construction of the Keystone XL and Dakota Access pipeline, which was halted during the Obama administration after protests from environmental groups.

He also started an investigation into how federal regulations might be impeding U.S. manufacturers. Because who cares about consumer safety when there's money to be made!

Wednesday, January 25, 2017
Trump signs an executive order to begin construction of a wall across the U.S./Mexico border. He says the U.S. will initially have to front the money for this boondoggle wall, but insists that Mexico will eventually pay us back. Not surprisingly, Mexico assures us they will not be paying us a single peso.

Trump also begins withholding federal funds from U.S. sanctuary cities.

In his first interview as president, Trump reiterates his belief that millions of illegals voted in the election, saying, "You have people that are registered who are dead, who are illegals, who are in two states. You have people registered in two states." 

Note that while it IS illegal to vote in two states, it's NOT illegal to be registered in more than one. In fact, many of Trump's own aides and family members are registered in multiple states. Whoops!

Thursday, January 26, 2017
Trump travels to Philly, where he gives a speech promising to repeal Obamacare and crack down on violent crime.

Mexican President Enrique Peña Nieto cancels a trip to the U.S. after Trump insists that his country will pay for the goddamned border wall.

Trump is interviewed by Fox News, and once again goes on about the record-breaking crowds at his inauguration, which, for the last time, no one else in the entire freaking world cares about. He reiterates his claim of widespread voter fraud in November. 

Oh, and also during the interview, he says he believes waterboarding works, and talks about bringing back torture, despite the fact that it's currently outlawed (wink wink) in the U.S. 

Friday, January 27, 2017
This was the busiest day yet for Glorious Leader, as he signed an executive order banning travelers from seven Middle Eastern countries, including Iraq, Iran, Syria, Yemen, Sudan, Libya and Somalia. Travelers from these mostly Muslim countries are prohibited from entering the U.S. for ninety days.

Note that not a single American has ever been killed on U.S. soil by citizens from any of the seven banned countries (between 1975 and 2005). 

Trump's ban DOES NOT include Saudi Arabia, the United Arab Emirates or Egypt, even though 3,000 Americans have been killed  on home soil by citizens from those countries (mostly in the 9/11 attacks). Visitors from these three countries are still welcome to visit the U.S. any time they damn well please. Oddly enough, Trump just happens to own multi-million dollar development deals in these three countries. Hmm... I'm sure that's just a harmless coincidence.

The ban causes widespread confusion at major airports, as it's unclear whether it affects permanent residents and people with valid visas and green cards. Protests begin nationwide. 

Saturday, January 28, 2017
Trump appoints controversial Chief Strategist Steve Bannon to be a permanent member of the principals committee. Bannon is a detestable homunculus who was a founding member of Breitbart News, a far-right news website that specializes in racist, sexist, xenophobic and anti-Semetic articles. Lovely!

Bannon is widely considered to be the real power behind the presidency. The Wormtongue to Trump's King Theoden, if you will. Trump's appointment gives Bannon equal billing with generals and other Cabinet-level officials, which, as you might imagine, he should not have.

When questioned about the appointment, Trump says he signed the executive order promoting Bannon without reading it. Yes, folks, believe it or not, this is real life.

Jesus wept.

Trump then tries to start a war with Australia by calling Prime Minister Malcolm Turnbull (although this won't be reported until days later). Trump basically tells Turnbull he's revoking the Obama administration deal to accept refugees from Australia. And then he hangs up on him.

Sunday, January 29, 2017
Trump authorizes his first military raid in Yemen, to flush out al-Quaida militants. The raid is a disaster, resulting in the death of a U.S. Navy SEAL, along with several civilians. Questions are raised over how and why the raid was carried out.

Gosh, this all sounds familiar somehow... (Crooked Hillary) I feel like I've heard something similar to this before (Benghazi). Maybe I'm just imagining it (send her to jail).

Protests continue over the Muslim travel ban.

Monday, January 30, 2017
Attorney General Sally Yates announces that Justice Department lawyers will not defend Trump's travel ban. Hours later, Trump fires her. Surprisingly he doesn't put her head on a pike in front of the White House to send a message to other staffers.

Other Republicans begins speaking out agains the travel ban, voicing concerns about its legality and how it will be implemented. 

Trump signs an executive order that says for every regulation the executive branch proposes, two others must be repealed (???). I don't know what the hell that means, but it sounds terrifying.

Tuesday, January 31, 2017
A relatively quiet day for Glorious Leader, as he nominates Federal Appeals Court Judge Neil Gorsuch to fill the seat of the late Justice Antonin Scalia.

Wednesday, February 1
Trump tries to start a war with Iran, announces that he's putting the country "on notice" after they conduct a ballistic missile test. Is "on notice" like "double secret probation?"

Trump then tries to start a war with Mexico, calling President Nieto and and threatening to send in U.S. troops to stop the "bad hombres down there." What the hell? What "bad hombres" is he talking about? Pancho Villa? The Frito Bandito? Speedy Gonzales?

Thursday, February 2, 2017
Trump attends the annual National Prayer Breakfast. Instead of using the public occasion to speak about his hopes and dreams for the country like a normal human, he decides to talk sh*t about Celebrity Apprentice, and how bad its ratings are now that Arnold Schwarzenegger is the host. Trump actually says, "And I want to just pray for Arnold, if we can, for those ratings, OK?" At the National Prayer Breakfast. In front of the world.

Oh, and while everyone's jaws were dropping about that, he quietly pledged to repeal the Johnson Amendment, which prohibits tax-exempt churches and religious groups from getting involved in politics.

Friday, February 3, 2017
A federal judge halts Trump's travel ban nationwide. 

Trump continues to poke the Iran hornet's nest, announcing new sanctions against the country.
And he tries to overturn the Dodd-Frank financial regulations, which mandate that financial advisers act in the best interest of their clients, and not try to rip them off.

Saturday, February 4, 2017
Whew! After two whole weeks of destroying the Constitution, Glorious Leader is exhausted and takes his first vacation at his Mar-a-Lago resort in Palm Beach, Florida. That was quick!

Meanwhile, the travel ban is overturned. Trump takes this defeat as well as you'd expect, tweeting, "The opinion of this so-called judge, which essentially takes law-enforcement away from our country, is ridiculous and will be overturned!" He later adds that because of the "terrible decision" that "many very bad and dangerous people may be pouring into our country."

And that brings us up to today! It's been quite a terrifying and demoralizing two weeks, but at least you can't say it's been boring! Eh, don't worry about it. Barring an impeachment or violent public uprising, we only have another 206 weeks of this waking nightmare to go!

Excuse me while I go to the bathroom and kill myself.