This Week In Signs Of The Apocalypse: Transformers

THAILAND– The religious world was rocked to its very foundations this week, as American toy company Hasbro announced plans for a fifth, sixth, seventh and even an eighth sequel in their Transformers film franchise.

The World Council Of Religious Leaders met in an emergency session to discuss the troubling rumors.

The learned group of bishops, rabbis and ministers deliberated behind closed doors for several days, and came to the inescapable conclusion that the news of Transformers 5 − 8 proves without a shadow of a doubt that there is no God.

Rabbi Schlomo Mendelbaum, spokesman for the Council, held a press conference this week to discuss the dire omen.

"The question of God's existence has haunted theologians and laymen alike for centuries," said Mendelbaum. "Who among us, no matter how faithful, hasn't prayed for proof that our Lord is real? Would it kill him to give us a clue? A hint, even?"

"At last we know whether or not God exists, and the answer is a resounding 'NO!" said Mendelbaum. "There is no God, there is no one watching over us, there is no Divine Plan. There's only endless death and darkness ahead, as actor Mark Wahlberg stars in three more Transformers sequels, only to be joined in an epic final one in which he teams up with Shia LeBeouf, the star of the first three."

Mendelbaum then tilted his head back as a terrifying moan escaped his lips. He then took the sharp edge of his Star Of David medallion and savagely slashed his own throat, dying within minutes.

The situation was no less dire here in America. Father Joseph Flenderson, spokesman for the Council For Inter-religion Cooperation, was similarly affected by the news.

"I actually saw the fourth Transformers movie, God help me," said Flenderson. "Watching it was like being on some sort of forced march, or performing back breaking labor in the hot sun that just goes on and on. Why would a loving God would allow four more of these travesties to be set loose upon the world? I have to confess, it's made me question my own faith."

"There is one small ray of hope," said Flenderson. "These sequels can't be set in stone. If Transformers 5 flops at the box office, there's every chance that plans for the other three might be cancelled."

"Ah, who am I kidding," sighed a visibly disturbed Flenderson. "This is Michael Bay we're talking about. They'll gross billions at the box office. Bay's dark Lord and master will see to that." Flenderson then rose and threw his chair at the window of his 37th floor office, shattering it. He then ran toward the window and leaped to his death.

Transformers 5 will be released in 2017.

This Week In Signs Of The Apocalypse: Mrs. Doubtfire 2

THAILAND– This week the World Council Of Religious Leaders met in an emergency session to discuss reports of a new threat to the world at large.

The learned group of bishops, rabbis and ministers deliberated behind closed doors for several days, and came to the inescapable conclusion that the recently green lit film Mrs. Doubtfire 2 is one of the signs of the biblical Apocalypse, prophesied in the Book Of Revelations.

Rabbi Schlomo Mendelbaum, spokesman for the Council, held a press conference this week to discuss the dire omen. "I appear before you today with grave news from the world of entertainment," said the Rabbi. "The inexplicably popular original Mrs. Doubtfire, which was little more than an instruction manual for stalking behavior disguised as broad comedy, was apparently just the opening salvo by the forces of darkness against everything that is good and right in the world."

"The Earth barely managed to survive the first film back in 1993," said Rabbi Mendelbaum. "It will not survive a Mrs. Doubtfire 2."

"Seriously, where could they even go with the storyline?" asked the Rabbi. "Will Robin Williams, star of the original movie, mince about in old lady makeup yet again, trying to see his grandchildren this time? Even in an industry that's only concerned with the bottom line, how could anyone possibly think this is a good idea?"

"I must be honest with you, this news has shaken my faith to its very core," said the visibly distraught Rabbi. "What kind of God would allow such a thing to happen?

Indeed, upon hearing the disturbing news, rioting and panic reportedly broke out in several larger metropolitan areas. Rabbi Mendelbaum urged the populace to remain calm. "Though the news is grim, all hope is not lost. This is not the first time the specter of this unholy sequel has reared its ugly head. There've been rumors of a followup film in Variety and other trade publications for the past twenty years."

"If we all unite in prayer, we may be able to delay the film for another twenty," said the Rabbi. "Robin Williams is currently 62 years of age. If we can somehow cause the sequel to be delayed for even another five years, Mr. Williams may decide he's too old to be performing pratfalls in drag and cancel the whole project."

"Of course there's always the possibility of a remake," added the Rabbi ominously.

Note: For the record, this post was written about four months before Robin Williams' untimely death. I thought about pulling a George Lucas and deleting it, but in the end decided to leave it. I stand by my opinion on Mrs. Doubtfire.