Tuesday, October 13, 2015

This Week In Signs Of The Apocalypse: Transformers

THAILAND– The religious world was rocked to its very foundations this week, as American toy company Hasbro announced plans for a fifth, sixth, seventh and even an eighth sequel in their Transformers film franchise.

The World Council Of Religious Leaders met in an emergency session to discuss the troubling rumors.

The learned group of bishops, rabbis and ministers deliberated behind closed doors for several days, and came to the inescapable conclusion that the news of Transformers 5 − 8 proves without a shadow of a doubt that there is no God.

Rabbi Schlomo Mendelbaum, spokesman for the Council, held a press conference this week to discuss the dire omen.

"The question of God's existence has haunted theologians and laymen alike for centuries," said Mendelbaum. "Who among us, no matter how faithful, hasn't prayed for proof that our Lord is real? Would it kill him to give us a clue? A hint, even?"

"At last we know whether or not God exists, and the answer is a resounding 'NO!" said Mendelbaum. "There is no God, there is no one watching over us, there is no Divine Plan. There's only endless death and darkness ahead, as actor Mark Wahlberg stars in three more Transformers sequels, only to be joined in an epic final one in which he teams up with Shia LeBeouf, the star of the first three."

Mendelbaum then tilted his head back as a terrifying moan escaped his lips. He then took the sharp edge of his Star Of David medallion and savagely slashed his own throat, dying within minutes.

The situation was no less dire here in America. Father Joseph Flenderson, spokesman for the Council For Inter-religion Cooperation, was similarly affected by the news.

"I actually saw the fourth Transformers movie, God help me," said Flenderson. "Watching it was like being on some sort of forced march, or performing back breaking labor in the hot sun that just goes on and on. Why would a loving God would allow four more of these travesties to be set loose upon the world? I have to confess, it's made me question my own faith."

"There is one small ray of hope," said Flenderson. "These sequels can't be set in stone. If Transformers 5 flops at the box office, there's every chance that plans for the other three might be cancelled."

"Ah, who am I kidding," sighed a visibly disturbed Flenderson. "This is Michael Bay we're talking about. They'll gross billions at the box office. Bay's dark Lord and master will see to that." Flenderson then rose and threw his chair at the window of his 37th floor office, shattering it. He then ran toward the window and leaped to his death.

Transformers 5 will be released in 2017.

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