Happy 40th Anniversary To The Star Wars Holiday Special!

Happy 40th Anniversary (!) to The Star Wars Holiday Special! It aired once, and one time only, way back on Friday, November 17, 1978.

Why a holiday special, you ask? Well, you've got to remember that in 1978, Star Wars wasn't the massive phenomenon it is now. There was only the one movie, and George Lucas was honestly afraid the audience would forget about it before he could get The Empire Strikes Back into theaters. In an effort to keep it in the public's mind, he concocted a TV special.

It was a good idea on paper, but in reality it went horribly, horribly wrong.

I was a big Star Wars fan back then of course, so I actually sat down and watched the Special on the 11" black & white TV in my room. I was hoping to see an all new adventure starring Luke, Han and Leia, accented by more of ILM's amazing special effects. 

Needless to say, that's not what the Special delivered. I remember being saddened, disappointed and most of all puzzled by it.

Let's take a brief look at all the things that made The Star Wars Holiday Special so, er, special, shall we?

There's the "Wookiee Family" sequence, which introduces us to Chewie's wife Malla, elderly father Itchy and young son Lumpy. Obviously the best thing about this scene is the fact that the Wookiee family growls and hoots at one another— without subtitles, mind you— for a full TWENTY MINUTES of screen time. Twenty minutes in which the audience has no idea what the hell anyone's saying.

Don't forget the bizarre Cirque Du Soleil dance number that Lumpy watches on his 3D holochess board.

There's also Art Carney as Suan Dann, a human trader and friend of Chewie's family, who gives Lumpy a virtual reality porno to enjoy.

A porno that features Diahann Carroll warbling a lethargic ballad for what seems like forty five minutes, and moaning in pleasure as Lumpy sends his "thoughts" to her.

Then there's the "hilarious comedy" sprinkled throughout the Special, written by Bruce Vilanch, who looks much like a Wookiee himself.

Who could forget the uninspired electro-synth number by Starship, who were included in the Special only because their name was "Starship."

What about the bizarre animated sequence that Lumpy watches on his TV? An animated show that inexplicably stars his father Chewie, along with Luke Skywalker, Han Solo and the droids.

Many fans will tell you that this cartoon is the best part of the Star Wars Holiday Special. These fans are idiots. It's just as terrible, if not worse, than the rest of the show.

It did give us the first-ever appearance of Boba Fett though, so I guess it's not all bad.

I'm partial to the Cantina scene, in which a horribly out of place Bea Arthur sings a song to a giant mouse, while cursing the agent who got her into this mess.

The Cantina scene also features the wacky antics of Harvey Korman, playing a patron who pours drinks in the top of his head. Sadly, I'm not making that up.

Korman also plays Gormanda, a three-armed Julia Child knockoff, whose catchphrase is "Stir whip stir whip, whip whip stir!" He also plays a human-looking robot who narrates an instructional video for a non-existent piece of space technology. Comedy ahoy!

Gosh, I almost forgot to mention the stars! There's Mark Hamill as Luke Skywalker, who's inexplicably wearing more makeup than Carrie Fisher.

Speaking of Fisher, she's quite obviously coked out of her mind in every scene. Hey, who could blame her? She's in The Star Wars Holiday Special!

And of course there's Harrison Ford as Han Solo, who could not possibly be less enthused about being there.

The Special ends with Carrie Fisher singing a ridiculous song about the Wookiee holiday of Life Day. After all, there's no Christmas in the Star Wars universe, what with it taking place a long time ago in a galaxy far, far away. Which makes the Special the perfect thing to broadcast during the Christmas season!

Happy 40th, Star Wars Holiday Special!

Solo And Thanks For All The Fish (Hey, You Try Coming Up With Titles For These Things!)

This week Disney dropped another new trailer for their upcoming debacle, er, I mean movie Solo: A Star Wars Story.

In it, there's a very brief shot of everybody's favorite co-pilot Chewbacca, as he faces another Wookiee...

The two of them then appear to kiss. Or mash their muzzles together, or rub noses, or whatever the hell demonstrative action Wookies engage in.

Could... could it be? Is that other Wookiee in the shot Chewie's wife Malla? If it is— and I pray to the ghost of Art Carney it's true— then Disney just made the goddamned Star Wars Holiday Special part of the official canon! Holy Crap!

What's that? You didn't know Chewie had a wife? Welp, he does. Or he did. Actually he had an entire extended family, before he apparently got sick of them and went flying off with Han Solo.

Way back in 1978, CBS broadcast the Star Wars Holiday Special, which aired once and only once. It was a bizarre sci-fi variety show, featuring awful comedy skits, laughable acting and truly baffling musical numbers.

The highlight of the Special was our first ever look at Chewbacca's family, as they go about their daily lives in their interplanetary treehouse. The whole sequence lasts a good half hour, and consists of the Wookiees growling and bleating at one another— without any subtitles! Genius!

The Special features Chewie's lovely wife Malla...

His elderly father (or grandpa?) Itchy...

And his son Lumpy. Yep, Lumpy. I don't even wanna know how he and his grandpa got those names.

George Lucas famously loathes the Star Wars Holiday Special, even though he approved it, and was quoted as saying, “If I had the time and a sledgehammer, I would track down every copy of that show and smash it.” That's why I'm hoping that's really Malla in the trailer, so the whole thing becomes an integral part of the saga!

Be Careful What You Wish For

Last week a new Star Wars: The Force Awakens trailer premiered at Comic-Con. 

Unlike most trailers, this one gave us three minutes or so of behind the scenes footage. They spent a good amount of time loudly trumpeting the fact that the new film is shunning the overuse of CGI and green screen, and is using real sets, real props and real prosthetic makeup and creature costumes wherever possible.

Here's one of those practical creature costumes they're crowing about.

Um... are we sure we don't want maybe a little CGI? Just a smidge?

On the other hand, it's always nice to see a member of the Banana Splits getting work again.

My Trip To The Wookkiee Planet

A few years ago I went to see "Star Wars: Return of the Sith" (mercifully the last of the prequels) and while watching it I had a thought. No, not "Boy, do I wish I was in a different theater," although I'm sure I probably said that before it was over.

It happened during the big battle between the Wookiees and the Trade Federation droid army. Something about the Wookiee home world of Kashyyk seemed awfully familiar.

It finally came to me after I got home. Kashyyk bears more than a striking resemblance to the Chinese city of Guilin!

At the top is a scene of Chewbacca and a Wookiee General planning their strategy on Kashyyk, with a view of some unusual mountains in the background.

At the bottom is a photo I took of the city of Guilin, with a view of some unusual mountains in the background. Notice anything familiar?

In another example, at the top we have the Wookiee army rushing toward a river with the strange mountain formations in the background.

At the bottom is a photo I took of the river Li, which winds through the strange mountain formations in the background.

At the top we see a Wookiee flying some sort of dragonfly-copter over the river with the strange mountains in the background.

At the bottom we see me sailing the river Li in Guilin with the strange mountains in the background.

I've been to the Wookiee planet!

Apparently when the folks at Lucasfilm needed an alien landscape for the Kashyyk, they realized they'd already used ice planets, swamp worlds and cities in the clouds, so they turned to China. Guilin, with its beautiful and unusual mountain formations, has some of the most alien-looking landscapes on earth. Guilin's not exactly the most well known place on the planet, especially in America, so they probably thought no one would notice if they co-opted it to stand in for Kashyyk. Sorry, guys, but I gotta call you on this one. Next time try coming up with a truly alien landscape instead of copying one from the Chinese.