Saturday, October 13, 2012

From The Department Of "That Ain't Right"

Well, it's October again, and you know what that means-- Homecoming games, raking leaves, and slutty costumes clogging the aisles of the temporary Halloween stores that have popped up all around town.

The Halloween costume designers have gone all out this year in their search for innocent subject matter to slutify. No pop culture figure is immune, no matter how inappropriate. Their latest target? None other than Sesame Street.

Yep, you read right. The show that's been teaching preschoolers the alphabet and how to count since 1969 is now fodder for "sexy" adult Halloween costumes.

Don't believe me? Behold:

No need to rub your disbelieving eyes, you're seeing correctly. That's Sexy Bert & Ernie above.  I find myself filled with strange and confusing feelings as I stare at Bert's ample rack.

Dear lord, they even put Ernie's beloved Rubber Ducky on the model's booty! We're very near the end of civilization.

Oh, but that's not all. Above is Sexy Oscar The Grouch, accompanied by Sexy Elmo. But... isn't Elmo supposed to be a child Muppet, three or four years old? That's just... excuse me while I go take a shower, in a futile attempt to wash off the sleaze.

To complete this unsettling sextet we have Sexy Big Bird and Sexy Cookie Monster.

You're no doubt thinking, like I did, that these costumes are unlicensed, made by some fly-by-night outfit that hopes by the time the Sesame Workshop gets wind of them, Halloween will be long over and they'll have retired to the Bahamas. You would be wrong.

According to the website that sells these travesties, they are officially licensed by none other than the Sesame Workshop themselves. Did you hear what I just wrote? The people who bring you the Number 7 and the Letter C have freely and willingly whored out their characters for use as sexy Halloween costumes.

The only possible scenario I can come up with probably went a lot like this:
Sesame Workshop CEO: Jenkins, I just don't get it. Our Sesame Street merchandise sells like gangbusters to the 1 to 5 year old crowd, but it drops off sharply among teens and is practically nonexistent among adults. How can we reach the all-important 18 to 34 crowd?

Jenkins: Well sir, what if we marketed a line of merchandise for adults? Specifically a line of "sexy" Halloween costumes based on our most cherished and iconic characters?
Sesame Workshop CEO: Genius! Get the art department designing them right away! I want to see sketches by lunch time!
I have to assume that loud whirring sound you hear is Jim Henson, spinning in his grave like an industrial strength lathe...

I'm worried that at our current rate of Sluttification, Halloween costume designers are soon going to run out of pop culture figures to sex up. We're already sluttifying characters meant for children, for god's sake. After they release Sexy TeleTubbies costumes next year, the well is going to be pretty much dry. They're going to have to go meta and start sexifying costumes that have already been sexified. You know, something like SEXY Sexy Elmo.

Either that or start working through kitchen appliances (Sexy Blender) and various inanimate objects (Sexy Ball Peen Hammer). I suppose they could always turn their eye toward cars (Sexy Yugo?). Regardless, I fear the world will run out of Sluttification material no later than 2016.


  1. Just wait til Mitt Romney catches wind of this !

    Those confused feelings make me want to take a bath with Ernie and eat cookies in bed ;~j

  2. I think that it's just the headband/masks that are actually licensed by Sesame Street. But the combination is still grossly inappropriate.

  3. Snuffalupagus would be outraged!


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