Tuesday, November 5, 2013

We'll Have A FUN Old Time!

This week Hallmark made the news as a result of their yearly crop of holiday ornaments. 

Hallmark's "Ugly Christmas Sweater" ornament features a line from the Christmas carol Deck The Halls printed on the front, but they saw fit to change the traditional lyric from "gay apparel" to the less offensive "FUN apparel." 

Obviously Hallmark was terrified that their stores would be brought to a standstill by the huge crowds of homosexual males who'd be attracted by the original line. Not to mention the incessant snickering they'd have to endure from the packs of wild fourteen year olds who roam America's malls.

Honestly I have to side with Hallmark on this one. You just can't be too careful these days when it comes to song lyrics. These old Christmas carols have been around for hundreds of years now and they're just far too out of touch and insensitive for our modern genteel and delicate society.

To prevent any more unfortunate shocks to the system of the public at large, the following changes to these traditional Christmas carols are to be implemented immediately:

• From this day forward the song White Christmas will be known as All Inclusive Pan-Ethnic Winter Festival.

• Rudolph The Red-Nosed Reindeer will henceforth be called Rudolph The Differently Abled Reindeer Who's A Valued Member Of Society.

• The song O Come All Ye Faithful will be changed to the much less provocative Arrive All Ye Faithful. In a similar vein, Here Comes Santa Claus will be called Santa Claus Has Been Spotted In The Vicinity.

• Lastly, the highly inappropriate I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus will now be called the much more acceptable I Saw Mommy Publicly Greeting Santa Claus In A Consensual And Non-Sexual Manner.

I realize it may take some time to get used to these new lyrics, but I'm sure you'll agree it's for the good of the public.

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