Xmas Relic

It's the Holiday Season, so you know what that means— it's time for tons of overpriced and bizarre Xmas ornaments to line the shelves of your local Hallmark store! Let's see what offerings they have this year.

How about this Star Trek: The Next Generation ornament? It's based on the Season 6 episode Relics, in which Scotty wakes from suspended animation and finds himself in the 24th Century, where he meets Captain Picard & crew.

Yikes! What the hell happened to poor ol' Scotty here? I get that they had to put the ornament hook somewhere, but Jaysis! Did they have to stick it right in his shoulder? It looks for all the world like our Mr. Scott was in a really bad accident in Engineering!

It's even worse when viewed from the other side! Holy crap! Now it looks like the Klingons harpooned Scotty right in the top of his noggin!

A Joke Twelve Years In The Making

Wayyyyy back in 2011, AMT released a new model kit of the USS Enterprise from Star Trek. Note that this was the exact same kit they'd released numerous times before, but this time there was a twist. They molded it in glow in the dark plastic, and said the ship was from the TOS episode The Tholian Web (in which the ship did indeed glow green for a few seconds).

I thought this was one of the most blatant and transparent cash grabs I'd ever seen, mocking it mercilessly on my blog. I even came up with several other ridiculous Enterprise variations that AMT could pump out. 

Among them was this ship from the episode Who Mourns For Adonais, in which the Greek god Apollo captured the Enterprise by clamping onto it with a forcefield shaped like a giant ghostly green hand. 

I said all AMT would have to do is sculpt a hand in green translucent plastic and they could reuse the same ship molds again. Instant cash!

Welp, it took twelve long years, but my little joke finally became a reality. This week Hallmark premiered their new line of ornaments for 2023. Among them was the Enterprise— with the giant, ghostly green hand of Apollo clamped onto the front of it!

OK, so it's an Xmas ornament and not a model kit, but... close enough!

Now if only I could use my clairvoyant powers for something useful, like divining the PowerBall numbers!

Christmas In December!

Since the holidays are rapidly approaching, what better time to take a snarky look at Hallmark's 2017 Xmas ornaments, that came out way back in July?

I had planned on writing this post months ago, but things have been really busy lately here at Bob Canada's BlogWorld and I'm just now getting to it. Hey, hey! No complaining! Are you paying anything for this content? No? Then zip it and enjoy it six months late!

Get comfortable while I waste a bunch of bandwidth unnecessarily mocking Hallmark and their holiday tree trimming offerings for this year!

Airplane! The Movie Sound Ornament
This is actually a pretty cool looking little ornament, especially if you're a fan of the 1980 film. The plane's based on the one in the iconic poster, and honestly I'm surprised it was possible to render it in three dimensions. I'd have thought it was one of those shapes that only works in an illustration.

The ornament features several lines from the movie, including the famous "Don't call me Shirley" joke. Sadly, like many Hallmark sound ornaments, it doesn't use the original Leslie Nielsen dialogue. Heck, they didn't even use a Nielsen sound-alike! Instead it sounds like they grabbed a guy from their Accounting Department and had him hurriedly read the line.

Suggested retail price: $17.95.

Aliens™ P-5000 Powered Work Loader Ornament

Next up is Ellen Ripley in her Power Loader from the awesome 1986 movie ALIENS. Because nothing says "Happy Holidays" like a woman encased in an industrial exosuit fighting a gigantic insectoid alien queen. 

Overall it's pretty well done, and filled with all kinds of fiddly and accurate detail that's likely to snap off first time it falls off the tree. It's not articulated though, so don't let your horrible unruly kids try and bend the arms like it's an action figure.

Sadly, this isn't a sound ornament, so you won't be able to hear Ripley hiss "Get away from her, you BITCH!" during your holiday festivities.

Suggested retail price: $19.95.

Beetlejuice™ You Think I'm Qualified? Sound Ornament

Again, an odd choice for an Xmas ornament, but hey, pop culture, amirite? Nice attention to detail there with the fake grass, just like Adam Maitland used in his model of the town.

This is another sound ornament, and surprisingly it appears they used Michael Keaton's actual dialogue from the movie! Interesting!

Suggested retail price: $17.95.

Hallmark Keepsake Bouncing Bunny Spring Easter Ornament 2017
Um... Looks like someone at the Hallmark Home Office is woefully confused here. Who the hell hangs an Easter ornament on an Xmas tree? 

Suggested retail price: $9.95.

STAR TREK: The Next Generation™ Captain Jean-Luc Picard And Lieutenant Commander Data Sound Ornament

Not a bad sculpt of the two characters. Picard's doing his patented "Make it so" gesture with his right hand, which is nice. His face though looks like he's thinking, "Data's still standing uncomfortably close behind me, isn't he?"

It appears the hanging hook is on the chair right above Picard's left shoulder, which is weird.

On the plus side, this ornament features the actual voices of Patrick Stewart and Brent Spiner, so that's good.

Suggested retail price: $29.95.

Grease® You're the One That I Want Ornament With Music

Ah, what could be better than Xmas and Scientology?

The sound feature plays several bars of You're The One That I Want, but I don't think it's the voices of John Travolta and Olivia Newton-John. I'm not 100% sure though, as I'm not a big Grease fan. The only grease I like is in my food. HI-yohhhhhhh!

Suggested retail price: $17.95.

He-Man and the Masters of the Universe Skeletor Ornament

This is actually a pretty awesome ornament. It's a very nice sculpt, even if his staff is gonna end up getting broken the minute you try to stuff him back in the box.

Fun Fact: Did you know Skeletor was voiced by character actor Alan Oppenheimer, who was Dr. Rudy Wells on The Six Million Dollar Man?

I have many questions about Skeletor. Does he have purplish skin, or is he wearing some kind of form-fitting unitard? Why's he so buff? Does he spend all his free time in the gym when he's not trying to take over Eternia? Or did he just cast a fitness spell on his body? If he can magic his body into shape, then why doesn't he do something about his face? How the hell can he see with no eyes? Or talk without a tongue? Or movie his mouth without any jaw muscles?

Anyway, the suggested retail price is $19.95.

Noah's Ark Ornament

Ah, at long, long last we finally get an ornament based on the most vile story in the entire Bible (and that's saying something!). 

I'm assuming these animals' partners must all be below deck, since I only see one of each species. Maybe that's why the elephant seems so upset— he's looking for his mate who apparently fell overboard.

Suggested retail price: $17.95.

PEANUTS® A Comfy Christmas For Linus Ornament

Poor Linus! Apparently his fuss-budget sister Lucy cut up his beloved security blanket and used it as a bow for this decorative Xmas wreath. He's now forced to cuddle with a rough, itchy ring of holly for comfort.

Linus is one of those characters who most definitely works best on the printed page. Any time someone tries to make a toy or three dimensional figure of him, they're always done in by his hair. It looks OK when drawn, but in 3D is looks like something's seriously and disturbingly wrong with his head. Like most of his hair fell out due to a contagious skin disease, leaving just a few sparse, lank and greasy strands that can't begin to cover his infected scalp.

Suggested retail price: $15.95.

Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer® Won't You Guide My Sleigh Tonight? Ornament With Light

Another ornament based on a beloved story with a sinister and disturbing undercurrent. 

Due to his perceived handicap, Rudolph was shunned by Santa and his insular little North Pole society. Until they found out his disability was actually useful to them, that is. Then all the reindeer loved him!

I would pay good money to see a version of the story where everyone asked Rudolph for his help after months of treating him like sh*t, and he told 'em all to f@ck right off.

Suggested retail price: $17.95.

Season of Miracles Porcelain Star of David Ornament

Yeah, somebody in the Home Office is confused again. Goddamned interns!

Suggested retail price: $15.95.

The Walking Dead Michonne Ornament

Hey everyone, it's an ornament of the coolest— and most criminally underused— character on AMC's his zombie series!

I've always been a bit suspicious of Michonne's sword. It can't possibly be a real Masamune samurai sword, can it? I bet it's probably a decorative sword, from one of those weird gifts shops in the mall. Are those even real swords? Like do they really have sharp blades made of tempered steel? Or would one shatter into a million pieces the first time you tried to cut anything with it?

Suggested retail price: $17.95.

The X-Files™ Scully and Mulder Musical Ornament

It's everyone's favorite alien hunting FBI agents!

It's a good thing Scully's a doctor, so she'll be able to remove that huge metal ring from Mulder's right shoulder. Did the aliens who abducted his sister put that there?

Plays the haunting and creepy X-Files theme song.

Suggested retail price: $17.95.

Willy Wonka and The Chocolate Factory Sound Ornament

Everyone's favorite psychotic chocolate maker, now in Xmas ornament form!

This is the REAL Willy Wonka too, by the way. Not that disturbing poser from the horrible 2005 Tim Burton version.

Best of all, it sounds like they used actual dialogue from the film.

Suggested retail price: $17.95.

Star Wars™ Imperial Stormtrooper™ Mystery Box Music Ornament

Oh boy, a tiny Star Wars stormtrooper helmet to hang on your Life Day tree!

Ugh, this is a "Surprise Keepsake," meaning it comes in three possible colors (white, black or red), but you won't know which color you're getting until you get the goddamned thing home and open it up. Screw you, Hallmark! Where do you think you are, Japan? They're famous for pulling that sh*t with their toys. 

Don't fall for this horrible, horrible marketing scam. When you're in your local Gold Crown Hallmark Store, feel free to open one of these boxes, take out the ornament and make sure it's the color you want. If not, throw it on the floor and open another, until you find the proper one. And don't pick up the discarded ones either! Leave them for the Hallmark employees to pick up. It's the only way they're gonna learn that we will not put up with this surprise content bullcrap.

Plays the Imperial March.

Suggested retail price: $17.95.

Star Wars™: The Force Awakens™ Luke Skywalker™ Ornament

Huzzah! It's an ornament of Elderly Luke Skywalker, from the final five seconds of 2015's The Force Awakens. remember how much we all loved Luke in the one hundred and twenty frames in which he appeared? What an integral part of the movie he was!

Best of all, even if you're not a Star Wars fan, Old Luke can still come in useful. In a pinch he can double as one of the Three Wise Men if you misplace any from your Nativity set!

Suggested retail price: $17.95.

Star Wars™ Death Star Tree Topper

This is a rarity in the world of Hallmark ornaments, as it was actually released last year! It's very unusual for them to sell an ornament two years in a row. Unheard of even!

Of course when an ornament costs a whopping hundred smackers, it's only natural that you're gonna be left with an entire warehouse full of 'em, and you're gonna have to try and move them the next year. You'd think they'd have learned their lesson and lowered the price a bit though.

Suggested retail price: $99.95!

Christmas In July

It's July, so you know what that means— it's time for the Hallmark Company to reveal their upcoming line of Christmas ornaments! Because it's only natural to start thinking about the Yuletide holiday when the outside temperature is 97º with 300% humidity.

Actually, the way Christmas Creep has progressed the past few years, I'm surprised Hallmark was able to restrain themselves and hold off until July.

Anyway, let's waste some precious bandwidth and take a look at a few of this year's offerings, shall we?

First up is the Xenomorph Queen from James Cameron's 1986 scifil action masterpiece ALIENS. Overall it looks pretty well done, with lots of fiddly little details that are sure to snap off when you box it up and store it in the closet.

It's always amused me that the Alien Queen's feet are designed to look like she's wearing high heels.

Sadly there's no companion piece of Ellen Ripley in her power loader, screaming, "Get away from her, you BITCH!" to hang on your festive Yule tree.

Suggested retail price: $19.95.

Next up is an ornament of The Man Everyone Loves To Hate, J.R. Ewing of Dallas fame. Because nothing says "Christmas" like a greedy, unscrupulous oil baron, cooling himself with a fan made of cash.

If you look closely, you'll see the bills he's holding actually have his face printed on them, which would no doubt considered legal tender in Texas.

Suggested retail price: $17.95.

As always, there are several Star Trek-themed ornaments this year. First up is a small slice of the Enterprise bridge, featuring the Holy Triumvirate of Kirk, Spock and McCoy.

At least I think that's who it's supposed to be, as the likenesses are pretty subpar. Spock doesn't look so bad, but with his Moe haircut, arched eyebrows and pointed ears, it's usually pretty easy to capture him. 

Kirk and McCoy are both pretty terrible though, unless Hallmark's going for a "Claymation Christmas Special" look.

This is actually a table-top ornament, as it's too big to try and hang from a tree (unless you've got one with some very sturdy limbs). It also features sound, but I can't seem to find any sample clips online.

Suggested retail price: A whopping $74.95! Hey, Star Trek those licensing fees costs money!

There's also this "Kirk Vs The Salt Vampire" ornament from the Season 1 episode The Man Trap. Because what better way to get into the Christmas spirit than with an ornament depicting an alien creature painfully killing a man by sucking the sodium chloride from his body.

This one also features sound, including William Shatner's infamous blood curdling scream as his body's drained of all its delicious sodium chloride.

Hopefully the actual ornament's legs won't be crudely Photoshopped like they are in this catalog image.

Suggested retail price: $29.95.

There's also a Rick Grimes figure from AMC's hit series The Walking Dead. Or maybe it's the Brawny Paper Towel Man, it's honestly hard to tell. It looks about as much like Andrew Lincoln as I do. 

Unfortunately, the necessary hanging hardware in the top of the ornament looks for all the world like one of the cast members thought poor Rick had turned into a walker and stabbed in the head with a piece of rebar.

Rick looks positively naked without his trademark coating of zombie blood, so feel free to add your own splatters, for an extra festive touch.

Suggested retail price: $17.95.

Here we have an ornament of beloved Winnie-The-Poo character Eyore, attempting something that all men wish they could do, but precious few can actually accomplish. Happy Holidays, everyone!

Suggested retail price: $19.95.

If you're into nearly naked musclebound dudes hanging from your Christmas tree, then you can't go wrong with this He-Man Masters Of The Universe ornament.

Of course He-Man hails from the land of Eternia, where I'm betting they worship a whole pantheon of non-Christian gods, so he might be an odd choice for a Christmas ornament.

Sidenote: Is it a good idea to tightly grasp a sword like that?

Suggested retail price: $15.95.

Up next is the Armored Batman ornament from DC's crap fest Batman V Superman: Dawn Of Justice. If you're lucky, all your other ornaments will have mothers named "Martha," so he can become best friends with them!

This is supposedly a Comic-Con exclusive (well, lah-de DAH!), so the price is unknown. Rest assured it'll be two to three times what it ought to be.

Ah, the holiday season. The time for peace on Earth, and good will toward all men. Why not commemorate that lovely sentiment than with these Captain America: Civil War ornaments, featuring the title character beating the living crap out of his pal Iron Man?

I really hope we've got all the "good guy against good guy" movies out of our system, so we can get back to fun superhero movies again.

Suggested retail price: $15.95 each.

This ornament is called "Little Cup Of Happy Mini Coconut Santa Mug."

I can think of no better way to celebrate the birth of our Lord and Savior than with an ornament depicting a colorful parrot picking brain matter out of the hollowed-out skull of a curiously non-gray haired Santa. More eggnog, anyone?

Suggested retail price: A very reasonable $7.95. See how much of your hard-earned ornament dollar goes toward licensing fees?

It's the Wagon Queen Family Truckster from the classic 1983 comedy Vacation! 

What's that you say? There was a Vacation remake that came out last year? I have no idea what you're talking about. There've only been two Vacation movies— the original and Christmas Vacation.

I really like the "deliberately bad" design of the car in the film, so it's a pity that they covered up half of it with the road barrier debris. 

Suggested retail price: $19.95.

This festive menorah ornament invites visitors who gaze at your Christmas tree to play a spirited game of "What's Wrong With This Picture?"

Suggested retail price: $17.95.

Here's a lovely Star Wars ornament, featuring the menacing villain Darth Vader trying to get his daughter to participate in a hilarious game of "pull my finger." Don't fall for that one, Leia!

Suggested retail price: $29.95.

There's also a Han Solo ornament this year. But not just any Han— this is AARP Han from last year's Star Wars: The Force Awakens.

Think of the fun you can have with this ornament, as you make Han check the mailbox for his pension check, frequent the Early Bird Buffet at his favorite restaurant, and topple off the tree after being killed by his ungrateful, long-haired hippie of a son. Whoops! Spoiler alert!

Suggested retail price: $15.95.

Lastly there's this massive Death Star Tree Topper ornament.

Why top your tree with a boring old everyday star, when you can make it a Death Star? The ornament features extensive lights and sounds, which I assume is why it costs so damned much. But think of the looks on your guests' faces when they gaze up in wonder at your tree topper and gasp, "That's no ornament, that's a space station!"

Suggested retail price: $99.95.

The Tree? Out Of Danger?

Just in time for Christmas 2015, Hallmark has released sneak peeks of next year's line of holiday ornaments.

Among them is this recreation of Spock's final moments from Star Trek II: The Wrath Of Khan, in which– THIRTY TWO YEAR OLD SPOILER ALERT– he dies slowly and painfully of radiation poisoning after saving the Enterprise.

Seems a bit on the morbid side to immortalize a beloved character's death in Christmas ornament form, but eh, what do I know?

The ornament reportedly features sound bites from the film, and if it doesn't include the lines, "The ship? Out of danger?," "I have been and always shall be your friend," and "The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few" then I'll turn in my blogging license.

Who knows, this "death ornament" thing might just catch on. Just think of the possibilities! Why, a Walking Dead line could keep Hallmark in business for literally decades.

Who wouldn't want to adorn their Christmas tree with an ornament of this touching scene between Carol and Lizzie from The Grove episode? 

And how about a Game Of Thrones line? Imagine how many death ornaments they could make from that show. My god, is there that much petroleum left in the world?

You Lose, Hallmark

Like most American families, it's become our annual tradition to watch the A Christmas Story marathon every year on TBS. 

My dad in particular enjoys the movie, and especially likes Darren McGavin's performance as Ralphie's Old Man. His absolute favorite part of the film is near the end when the Old Man yells, "Sons a'bitches! Bumpases!" out the door after the neighbor's hounds eat the family's turkey dinner. My dad will dutifully sit through the entire movie just to see that one scene, and will then roar and guffaw every time he sees it. It is a pretty funny scene, especially considering it occurs in a Christmas movie. Dad's reaction to it is just as funny, if not more.

So given all that, I was very excited last week when Hallmark unveiled their line of 2014 Christmas ornaments (despite the fact that it's still July). Among this year's overpriced decorative geegaws is one titled Bumpases, depicting my Dad's favorite scene! And it even has a sound chip! Could it be? Do we really live in a world in which we can now buy obscenity-shouting ornaments? Huzzah! 

I rushed out to the nearest Gold Crown store to get one for my dad so he can listen to his favorite scene over and over and over until the battery wears out.

Unfortunately, it was not to be. The ornament is sadly lacking in the sound department.

Sculpting-wise it's not awful. The faces are a bit soft, but I can definitely see Darren McGavin and Peter Billingsley in there. There's a lot of nice detailing in the clothing too.

But the sound feature is shockingly subpar. First of all, when you push the button, it offers up a lame, edited version of dad's favorite line. No "Sons a'bitches, Bumpases!" here. Instead we get a half-hearted "Bumpases!" followed by thirty seconds or so of Ralphie's monologue about no turkey for Christmas. BOO!!!

OK, so I suppose one could argue that it's not exactly kosher for a Christmas ornament to spout PG-13 language. The prime demographic for these things is Uptight Soccer Moms who are constantly on the hunt for things to be outraged about, so it's not surprising that Hallmark took the safe route. So don't make an ornament of that scene then! There's plenty of other scenes in the movie they could have immortalized in plastic. Make Randy in his overstuffed snowsuit, or Ralphie in his Black Bart costume instead. 

And if that weren't bad enough, the sound chip doesn't even feature the original actors! They cheaped out and hired mediocre sound-alikes. Jesus, Hallmark, why the hell did you even bother?

Any time you don't hear the original voices in a product, that's a sure sign that the company didn't want to deal with contracts and talent royalties. 

If I understood anything about electronics, I'd buy one of these, crack it open and reprogram the chip with the actual sound byte from the movie. Alas, my talents in that area are sadly lacking.

You could have had several guaranteed sales in my family alone, Hallmark, but due to your wimping out on the dialogue and cheaping out on the sound chip, you missed out. Better luck next year.