It's Time For My Annual "Ghosts Of Christmases Past" Repost!

Hey, Christmas is almost here! That means it's almost over too! Huzzah!

Please note that I'm not some kind of Scrooge who hates the Yuletide season, I just hate what it's become. I don't need all the frenzy and shopping and the stress of spending money you I have on things people don't need.

But I digress.

Here's a compilation of some of my personal favorite Christmas bloggings from the past few years.

Mrs. Claus was in the kitchen baking cookies, when she heard a commotion coming from outside. She looked out the back door and saw a shirtless and drunken Santa staggering around the grounds, shouting incoherently at no one in particular and swinging his fists ineffectively at the crowd of elves that had gathered to watch.

"Not again," she thought, as she steeled herself to go out and hurry him back inside yet again. "Thank God those idiots from Inside Edition aren't here to see this." It had taken a fortune to hush them up the last time this happened.

"Is Santa sick?" asked Jingle the Elf as he helped Mrs. Claus wrangle Santa into bed. "No dear," she lied, "He's just overworked. It's nothing to worry about. Now be a good boy and help me lash him down so he doesn't... fall out of bed."

The next morning Santa delicately made his way downstairs and flopped into his chair at the kitchen table. "Oh, I feel terrible," he said. "My head is pounding like crazy."

"Maybe it was something you drank, dear," said Mrs. Claus, in a tone that could cut glass.

She fixed him a cup of coffee, making as much noise as she possibly could. "Doesn't everyone always say poinsettias are poisonous?" she thought. "This place is lousy with the stuff. It would be too bad if a sprig of it were to fall into his cup. Accidentally, of course."

I made this card way back in 2000, and it perfectly sums up my feelings toward the holiday season... or rather what the holiday season has become.

It was drawn in pencil and inked. Then it was scanned and imported into Photoshop, where I added color. I added the text and border in Photoshop as well.

Many have asked me about the puddle under Santa; whether it's booze or urine. I prefer to let the viewer decide…

Don't have a lot of money to spend on gifts this year? Don't be embarrassed! Just print, cut out and hang this special Economic Meltdown Christmas Gift gift tag on your presents, and your friends and family will be so impressed they won't notice the chintziness of your gifts!

Do you love Christmas Carols? Me neither! Here are a few of my least favorites:

• Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas
My all time least favorite carol. If this grim, dirge-like tune doesn't make you feel like sticking a shotgun in your mouth during the holiday season, nothing will.

• Baby It's Cold Outside
A cheerful Yuletide duet that's an ode to date rape!

• Santa Baby
Ah, nothing says "Christmas" like this salute to greed, capitalism and whoring yourself for high-ticket gift items.

• No Spanish Nativity scene is complete without El Caganer, a charming figure of a little man taking a huge dump.

• Kids in Spain (again with the Spain) love the Tio De Nadal, a hollow anthropomorphic log that they beat with sticks until it craps out gifts. No, that wasn't one long typo.

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As you've probably figured out by now, I've retired from creating my annual Christmas Card/Books.

It's not that I didn't enjoy making them, you understand. The were fun to draw, but they're an enormous amount of work. Every year they took longer and longer to create. Literally months. I'd start one in August, work on it every single day and still barely get it done in time for the holiday. They're just way too much work and I don't think I have another one in me.

One of these days I ought to look into selling a collection of these stories.

Since there won't be a card/book this year, enjoy this look back at previous efforts.

Santa Claus Vs. Anti Claus

This is the first card I did, way back in 2008. This one actually is a simple greeting card rather than a book, consisting of a single sheet folded in half.

Obviously the front is based on vintage boxing posters, the kind you'd see in the early 1900s. I had a lot of fun writing the old-time copy.

Anti-Claus' choice of weaponry still bugs me. Why a crowbar? I still don't know. Maybe I was trying to find a weapon that kind of looked like a candy cane? I should have painted stripes on it to sell that idea better. As you can probably tell I'm never satisfied with my own work.

I guess the aging effects were successful. I sent one to my boss at the time, and when he saw it he accused his wife of bending the corner when she took it out of the envelope!

Gronkoor, The Monster Who Hated Christmas And Stomped On All The Shoppers He Saw

A terrifying tale of man vs. nature in the style of Gozilla and other kaiju films. Or maybe it's just a story about a monster who's not all bad, I don't know.

This was the first card/book that I did, in the style of Little Golden Books. It's the shortest of all of the books, consisting of a scant eight pages.

Originally it was going to be just a card like the Anti Claus one, and I was going to draw the cover only. Then I thought up an actual story and it grew into an actual book.

I burned off a week of vacation days at the beginning of November 2009 (I always end up with a surplus of time off at the end of the year) and spent the whole time working on this card/book. Those eight pages took a long time, mostly because I didn't know what I was doing. I learned to streamline the process in subsequent years.

Gronkorr Paper Craft Model

I also made a paper model of the Gronkorr character, which you can print and assemble. This was my first attempt at such a thing.

Santataur Is Comin' To Town

An unsettling and unflinching look at body horror and mutation, as Santa Claus transforms himself into a half human, half reindeer chimera.

This is my favorite of all the cards/slash books I've done. The story and art really came together this time, if I do say so myself. 

Looking back, I honestly have no idea how I was able to finish this one in time for Xmas. I didn't even start on it until midway through November! This one was bigger than the previous card/book, clocking in at twelve pages. It was also much more complicated, featuring more characters and detailed backgrounds. 

And to top it all off, I had a second job in 2010 and was working around sixty hours per week. Somehow I managed to write and draw the entire thing in a month! 

Maybe it came out well because I didn't have a lot of time? I couldn't afford to screw around and had to make art and writing decisions quickly. Quite often stress fuels creativity.

I wish I had the time and resources to make an animated holiday special of this story, like the Rankin-Bass shows.

The Space Dweebs Vs. Space Santa

It's Xmas meets technology in this wacky story of irresponsible science nerds run amok!

Like Santataur, this one started out life as a drawing, and I later wrote a story around the characters and turned it into a card/book.

Unfortunately I had way more story than space. The original version clocked in at twenty pages. I had to do a lot of slashing and condensing and rewriting to get it down to a more manageable twelve.

I was also going through a downsizing trauma at the time, which kind of put a damper on my enthusiasm for the project. But I started on it anyway, and it turned out to be good therapy. Working on the Space Dweebs kept my mind off my job woes.

Santa Claus, The Yeti And The Really Bad Decision

An apocalyptic account of Man vs. Nature, as the Earth is doomed by one man's hubris.

I sound like a broken record, but this was another card/slash book that was finished at the last minute. It's a well known law of graphic design— a project will always expand to fill the available time. 

Adding to the lengthy production time was the fact that I went on a family vacation in the middle of it, in addition to working on a massive freelance project at the same time.

I remember I started drawing the pages before I had all the details nailed down, so a lot of elements were created on the fly. Things like the hot young version of Mrs. Claus, the violent Elf names and the Yetis' ability to shoot ice rays.

It's dangerous to work that way, but it all turned out OK this time.

Dr. Killdeath & Count Gothula's Venomous Christmas

A sordid saga of revenge and brinkmanship as two powerful titans battle to the death as the rest of the planet looks on helplessly.

Last year's card/book was a massive twenty four pages, the longest I'd ever attempted. I knew it was gonna be a whopper, so I started extra early. Didn't matter. I still barely finished it by Xmas.

This story is based on classic Looney Tunes cartoons, the kind where the characters try to kill one another in an ever-escalating series of attacks. Even with the extra page count I still had more ideas than space, and had to pare down the number of attacks. Ah well.

Dr. Killdeath Paper Craft Model

I also made a Dr. Killdeath paper model. It's probably the most complicated one I've done so far. I'll probably make one of Count Gothula one of these days, as soon as I figure out how to construct a decent round head.

So there you go, a rundown of all the Xmas Card/Books I've made the past few years. Apologies to anyone who was expecting a new one this year. Who knows, maybe after I've had some time away from them I'll get the itch to create some more.

Anti Christmas Creep UPDATE (With Photo!)

Back on November 8, 2016, I wrote that I spotted the first Xmas tree of the season in the window of a home in my neighborhood. That was almost two full months before Xmas, which seemed wayyyyy to early to be puttin' up a damned tree.

Then on January 29, 2017, I went for a walk and around the neighborhood and noted that the tree was still up, over two months after it first appeared.

Welp, I went for a walk this morning before work, and as you can see above, the tree's still proudly blazing away in the window. On February 15th, 2017. Over three months after it was first spotted.

For anyone who picked Valentine's Day in the "How Long Will The Xmas Tree Stay Up" pool, congrats! Step up and collect your winnings!

I can think of several explanations as to why this Xmas tree is still up: 

1. The homeowners are reeeeeally lazy, and just haven't been able to bring themselves to get up off the couch and take it down.

2. They're getting a reeeeeally big head start on Xmas 2017.

3. The string of lights on the tree shorted out and the plug fused to the outlet, so it's impossible to unplug it, shut it off or take down the tree.

4. The person who lives here unfortunately expired back in November, and their bloated carcass is lying on the floor next to the tree, its lights burning merrily away until they finally flicker and die as well.

Huzzah! The New Hammacher Schlemmer 2016 Xmas Catalog Is Here!

Huzzah! The new Hammacher Schlemmer 2016 Xmas Catalog is finally here! And not a moment too soon! There's still time to order their amazingly unnecessary gift items in time for holiday giving!

If you've never heard of Hammacher Schlemmer before, they've been around since 1848 and specialize in exclusive and elegant gifts. They cater mostly to the One Percent Crowd. You know, the kind of people who can't sit down to dinner without chilled wine flutes, $300 table runners and linen napkins folded into the shape of geese.

This is a catalog for people with way more money than they can ever possibly spend, and is chock full of items no one would ever need that cost far too much money.

Let's take a glance at the new catalog, shall we? Don't forget to have your credit card ready! On with the shopping!

The Gentle Breeze Makeup Mirror

A stylish vanity mirror that emits "a steady zephyr" to keep you cool while applying makeup or styling hair.

Let's let that soak in a moment, shall we? It's a mirror with a goddamned fan on it, to cool you down during the grueling tasks of making up your face or combing your hair.

I freely admit I know nothing about makeup, but it doesn't seem like hard work to me. How about it, ladies? Is putting on lipstick really such a physically demanding chore that it makes you sweat?

Price: A very reasonable $199.99. For a mirror. That blows air on your beefy, clammy face.

The Perfect Ice Cube

Why use an ice tray to freeze cubes like a common peasant, when you can own a precision instrument like this that makes one perfectly formed sphere of ice at a time?

According to the catalog description, "The bottom mold accepts a preformed ice cube… the 9 1/2-lb. cylindrical top slides over the lower, compressing the stationary cupcake-sized ice cube into a perfect sphere in seconds using only its weight and thermal conductivity."

Did you get all that? Despite what they'd like you to believe, this isn't some fancy tabletop gizmo that somehow freezes water in seconds. It's just a pricey brass mold! You have to place an already frozen cube inside it, then mash it into the shape of a sphere!

Price: An astonishing $759.95. For a mold that makes ice balls for your highballs.

The ONLY Illuminated Manicure/Pedicure Set

The pinnacle of useless gadgetry, the Illuminated Manicure/Pedicure set features "a motorized wand encircled with three LEDs that shine a bright light on your work area without casting shadows, enabling careful trimming, filing, and buffing without accidental nicks or chips."

This seems like another solution to a problem that doesn't actually exist. Do people routinely injure themselves while trying to trim and buff their toenails in the dark?

Price: $149.95. For a toenail Dremmel with a flashlight attached to it.

The Phone Charging Cordless Vanity Mirror

Another vanity mirror! Boy, those Hammacher Schlemmer customers sure like gazing at themselves, huh? What makes this mirror special though is the fact that it contains a charging port, so you can charge your phone while you paint your face.

The big selling point here is that the mirror's cordless. Which of course means you'll have to charge the mirror for a couple of hours first, so you can then use it to charge your phone. 

Or you could, you know, just plug your phone into a normal charger to begin with, like a human being.

Price: A nominal $119.95.

The Single-Handed Barber

According to the description, using the Single-Handed Barber is "as easy as combing your hair." It's perfect for people with non-hairstyles that are of a single, uniform length. If you''re some kind of weirdo who likes his hair longer on the top than the sides, well then screw you.

The rechargeable battery provides runs for up to twenty minutes on a sixteen hour charge. SIXTEEN HOURS!!! That seems a bit excessive. My phone charges in two or three hours, and it's basically a miniature computer.

Price: $59.95.

The World's Best Pre-Lit Fraser Fir

It's the world's most realistic Fraser Fir, whatever that is. According to the catalog, "It is the only tree with three-dimensional, injection-molded branch tips that replicate the exact growth patterns, green and silver needles, and upturned branches of a freshly cut Fraser Fir. The tree has 40% more branch tips than typical trees… the strongest available, and easily support large ornaments."

Jesus, did Glorious Leader Trumpy write that blurb? "It's a tremendous tree, really the best tree, just terrific. Makes real trees look like garbage. Sad."

The World's Best Pre-Lit Fraser Fir contains two thousand LED bulbs that allegedly last 25,000 hours, which makes me wonder what you do when they eventually burn out. I guess you have your maid throw it in the trash and buy a new one. 

Also comes with a remote control to turn the tree on and off, which seems a bit unnecessary. Is unplugging the thing really that much much of a grueling chore?

Price: A very modest $2,000.

The Gentlemen's Whiskey Kit

I know a lot of people enjoy making their own beers and spirits, but personally I've never seen the point.

But that's just me. By all means, give the man in your life a gift that's illegal to use in most states and takes between several weeks and up to two years to properly age.

Or you could just nip down to the corner liquor store and buy a bottle of whiskey and give it to him.

Price: $129.95.

The LED Facial Rejuvenator

There seem to be a lot of rejuvenation systems in this catalog. No doubt because their clientele is mostly rapidly aging lawyers' wives who are desperately trying to halt the decay of their sagging bodies, lest they be dumped for a younger model.

This "light therapy" system (ooh, it's a system!) utilizes infrared light (aka heat) to minimize wrinkles (?) for a younger, rejuvenated complexion (??). It also uses a special blue light (which was allegedly developed by NASA) that zaps away acne and blemishes.

I'm 99.9% sure that at some point this quackery was hawked by Dr. Oz on his "medical" show.

Price: $349.95.

The Desktop Light Therapy Lamp

Hooray, another pseudoscience product! This time it's an iPod-shaped lamp you shine on your face, that allegedly prevents Seasonal Affective Disorder. Or you could just go outside for half an hour for the same effect.

According to the catalog, the lamp features "flicker-elimination technology that prevents electromagnetic fields." Um… that's not possible. Every electrical device, from a TV to a pen light, generates EMF fields.

Price: $99.95.

The "My Cocoon" Personal Day Spay

The Personal Day Spa contains a whole host of features: Sauna-like heat that penetrates deep into tissues to improve circulation and reduce swelling, vibrating message, and aromatherapy.

So despite the fact that it looks like some kind of sci-fi rejuvenation chamber, it's basically a giant, vibrating heating pad that stinks.

Oddly enough, they list the fact that your head sticks out of the top of it as a feature.

Price: Best of all, it's only $8,000.

The Award Winning Nueske's Spiral Sliced Ham
I've never much liked ham, but even I have to admit this one looks pretty darned good.

The problem here is its size. According to the catalog, each Nueske's Spiral Sliced Ham yields about SEVENTY FOUR servings. Jesus Christ! You'll be eating that thing until St. Swithin's Day!

Price: $109.95. That seems a bit excessive for a slab of meat, no matter how good it may be.

The Hands Free Hair Rejuvenator
Another rejuvenation product! This time it's a futuristic bike helmet that allegedly regrows hair!

Oddly enough the catalog bends over backwards to never actually promise the helmet will restore your decimated scalp. Instead it says things like "...employs low level laser therapy that provides pain-free light stimulation for cells in hair follicles, encouraging them to repair themselves," and "the optimal wavelength used in LLLT for increased cellular activity within hair follicles."

Those are just fancy ways of saying, "This thing won't grow hair, but we've worded it vaguely enough so you can't sue us."

But hey, at least it comes with speakers, so you can listen to your favorite tunes while wasting your time wearing it!

Price: An economical $699.95, for the ultimate in quack science that looks ridiculous while doing absolutely nothing.

The Only Laser Guided Precision Trimmer
The ONLY facial hair trimmer with an integrated laser guide for precise grooming! Because what could possibly go wrong when using a powerful laser around your face and eyes?

Price: A steal at only $89.95.

The Twelve Foot Inflatable Clarice
Seriously? Who the hell would want to put Clarice in their front yard instead of goddamned Rudolph? How many people even remember who she is? It's Rudolph, The Red-Nosed Reindeer, not Clarice, The Normal-Nosed Reindeer, Who's Also The Significant Other Of Rudolph.

I have a suspicion there was originally a whole line of these inflatables, including Rudolph, the Bumble and possibly Yukon Cornelius. No doubt the others rapidly sold out, leaving Hammacher Schlemmer with a warehouse full of unwanted Clarices.

According to the catalog, "this impressive rendition of Clarice stands taller than a Clydesdale." I would think so, since they generally clock in at around six to seven feet. If you ever see a twelve foot horse galloping toward you, shake your head, throw the bottle of booze you're obviously drinking into the trash and say, "Not another drop!"

By the way, there's some heavy-duty Photoshopping going on in this image. If Clarice is indeed twelve feet tall, then that boy in the photo is less than three feet high. I guess it's not impossible. If he's a hobbit child, that is.

Price: $349.95. For a leftover inflatable character from a beloved holiday classic.

The Gourmand's Mac & Cheese
Here's the official, over-wordy and positively orgiastic description from the catalog: "Putting a gourmet spin on a favorite comfort food, this is the macaroni and cheese handcrafted with award-winning artisanal cheese. The flagship ingredient— a medal-winner from the World Cheese Awards— is a cross between a sharp cheddar and a rich gruyere, made with antibiotic-free milk from a local dairy in Duvall, WA. It is blended with jack cheese for the ideal fusion of savory flavor and decadent creaminess, then combined with penne pasta and a touch of spice, creating a delicious side or main dish that isn’t just for kids."

Jesus, Hammacher Schlemmer, it's just a bowl of macaroni and cheese. You gonna eat it or you gonna f*ck it?

The catalog goes on, saying, "Simple to prepare and ready to serve in 30-45 minutes, the mac and cheese bakes in the oven while you relax with a glass of wine." Which of course translates as, "OK kids, your mac & cheese'll be ready in half an hour. So don't bother mommy while she's drinking her medicine!"

According to the catalog, the Gourmand's Mac & Cheese "ships frozen." So for all their talk about "artisanal cheeses," this is basically a $40 frozen dinner.

Price: $39.95 for two twenty ounce trays.

The Hand Fitness Trainer

A recipient of the prestigious "Medical Design Excellence Award!"

According to the catalog, this hand fitness trainer can mitigate the effects of repetitive-motion injuries to the hands, by… using a device designed for repetitive motion.

By the way, see that extra hoop below the pinky? At first I thought it was for people with six fingers, but it's actually so you can use the device with either hand.

Price: $19.95, marked down from $29.95. Hmm. It's probably not a good sign when H-S discounts an item. "One size fits most." Even Glorious Leader Trumpy's hands?

It Came From The Cineplex: Bad Santa 2

Bad Santa 2 was written by Johnny Rosenthal and Shauna Cross, and directed by Mark Waters.

Rosenthal previously write a short film called The Convention back in 2006, and that's pretty much the extent of his movie work. Cross previously wrote Whip It (?), What To Expect When You're Expecting  (??) and If I Stay (???).

Waters is a very mediocre director who brought us such gems as Freaky Friday (2003), Mean Girls, The Spiderwick Chronicles, Ghosts Of Girfriends Past, Mr. Popper's Penguins and Vampire Academy.

I usually don't mention executive producers in my reviews, but I'm making an exception in this case. The original Bad Santa was executive produced by the Coen Brothers. You know, the team who wrote and directed Blood Simple, Raising Arizona, Miller's Crossing, Barton Fink, Fargo, The Big Lebowski and O Brother, Where Art Thou?, among many others.

Sadly, the Coens had absolutely nothing to do with Bad Santa 2, which should tell you everything you need to know about the quality of the film.

Bad Santa was a surprise hit when it came out back in 2003, grossing $60 million against its $23 million budget. The cynical story of Willie Soke, a hopeless, antisocial drunken asshole was the perfect antidote to the usual treacly holiday fare. It became an instant favorite of mine, and I watch it every year.

A big part of the original film's success was its shock value— audiences weren't prepared for an Xmas movie about a foul-mouthed, womanizing alcoholic in a Santa suit, boozing and screwing his way through life.

The problem is you can only shock the audience like that once. You can't use the same old trick again, as Bad Santa 2 most definitively proves. The sequel lacks any bite or edginess. It's almost as if the writers realized they could never top the original film's over-the-top humor, so they didn't even bother.

Bad Santa 2's lifelessness may also be due to our changing times. The original film came out thirteen years ago, when the world was a more innocent place and the image of a drunken Santa was truly scandalous. Now we have a new President who runs around bragging about grabbing pussies. Suddenly the idea of a drunken, profanity-spewing Santa Claus seems positively quaint.

Did you enjoy the plot of the first film, in which Willie Soke poses as a department store Santa while planning a safe cracking job, while inexplicably attracting the attention of a beautiful woman, and becoming surrogate father to a strange, lonely child? If so, you're in luck! Bad Santa 2 dutifully trots out the exact same plot points (to the point of recreating certain scenes shot for shot) with predictably diminishing returns. It is basically the same damned film. Except not as well done.

In most instances, it's necessary for a sequel to ignore the events of the original film in order to work. So it is with Bad Santa 2. In the first movie, Willie Soke is a miserable, drunken bastard with absolutely no redeeming qualities, who meets a young boy that awakens a tiny flicker of humanity inside him. He even gets a mildly Happy Ending (the story kind, not the massage parlor kind!).

Sadly, Bad Santa 2 flushes all that right down the sh*tter. The sequel ignores the Happy Ending and reboots the character of Willie to his default setting, so the audience gets to watch him discover his humanity all over again. Yawn.
I could forgive most of Bad Santa 2's abundant sins if it was actually funny. Sadly, it's not. The original film featured a very simple plot, on which the writers hung a series of genuinely funny jokes. The sequel does just the opposite— the writers were so focused on the complicated storyline they apparently forgot they were making a comedy.

Bad Santa had a dismal and highly offensive tone, but very, very deep down there was a tiny kernel of sweetness at its core. Yes, Willie was a horrible person, but ultimately he learned to do the right thing for his makeshift family. Unfortunately Bad Santa 2 lacks the heart of its predecessor, which just makes it mean-spirited rather than humorous.

SPOILERS FOR A FILM WITH THE EXACT SAME PLOT AS THE FIRST!

The Plot:
The film begins with a voice-over by Willie Soke (played again by Billy Bob Thorton), detailing the last few years of his life. The Happy Ending we saw in the first film didn't take, as his constant screw-ups drove away his love interest Sue. He then returns to his booze-filled, miserable life. He decides he's had enough, and it's time to end it all.

Willie sticks his head in his oven, only to discover it's an electric model and not gas. He then tries to hang himself in his motel room, but he's interrupted by the appearance of Thurman Merman (played by Brett Kelly), the boy from the original movie. Fortunately for Willie, his suicide attempt fails as the lighting fixture gives way and he falls to the floor.

Thurman is now a hulking, simple-minded behemoth of twenty one, who's realized his life-long dream of working in a sandwich shop. Willie tries to convince him to stop following him around, for both their sakes.

Willie gets a visit from his old partner Marcus (played by Tony Cox), who's fresh out of prison. He says he knows of a safe cracking job in Chicago that's worth two million. Willie isn't keen on partnering with Marcus again, since the last time they worked together he tried to kill him. Marcus apologizes for the murder attempt, and says that's all in the past. Having literally nothing else going for him, Willie agrees.

By the way, are you laughing yet? This is ostensibly a comedy, remember?

Willie and Marcus arrive in Chicago. Marcus shows him the venue they're going to rob, which turns out to be the Giving Way, a charity foundation. Marcus says the first thing they'll need to do is volunteer to work at the foundation, and wear their old Santa and Elf costumes to blend in. Naturally Willie isn't thrilled by this news.

To make things even worse, Willie's horrible mother Sunny (played by Kathy Bates) also works at the Giving Way. The second Willie sees her he punches her in the face and storms out. Marcus follows, and Willie accuses him of manipulating him, knowing he'd never agree to the escapade if he knew his mother was involved.

How about now? Are you laughing?

Marcus and Sunny meet in her apartment to discuss the plan. She tells Marcus they really need Willie, as she has "a touch of Parkinson's," and can't crack a safe like she used to. Marcus meets with Willie and finally talks him into doing the job. Willie says once they score the $2 million, they're cutting out Sunny and leaving her high and dry.

Willie dons his Santa suit and begins collecting money on the street. Meanwhile, Marcus sneaks into the Giving Way building, and crawls through the vents, trying to locate the safe. He overhears Giving Way director Regent Hastings talking with his secretary (with whom he's having an affair) about embezzling funds.

Laughing yet?

Willie is approached by Regent's wife Diane, who convinces him to attend an AA meeting. He goes with her, mostly in hopes of getting into her pants later. After the meeting Diane admits she's an alcoholic as well, and hasn't been intimate with Regent in over a decade (!). Since this is a Bad Santa movie, they naturally end up having sex behind a dumpster in an alley. Willie insists Diana call him "Santa" as they have sex, the way Sue used to do in the first film. Creepy!

Marcus tries to get the keys to the Giving Way building by seducing a security guard named Gina. She turns him down due to his short stature. Sunny suggests Willie seduce Gina, and he does so easily, which angers Marcus. Sunny gives Willie a gun, telling him Marcus will undoubtedly double cross him again. Against his better judgement, he starts to have the tiniest of feelings for his terrible mother again.

Laughing?

Meanwhile, Thurman has traveled all the way from Arizona to Chicago to find Willie (?). Needless to say, Willie isn't happy to see him, and says he can't stay with him. He dumps him at a shelter run by the Giving Way. Thurman sees the charity's children's choir practicing, and asks if he can join.

Willie, Marcus and Sunny prepare to rob the Giving Way during their annual donation banquet. Sunny waits outside with the van, while Willie and Marcus sneak into the building. On the way to the safe, Willie sees the children's choir singing in the banquet room. Thurman, dressed in a Santa suit, sings a solo piece, his voice like an angel. It actually drives Willie to tears (!).

Willie easily opens the safe and takes the money, which, due to Regent's embezzling, is considerably less than $2 million. Marcus then reveals he's double crossing Willie, and tells him to hand over the cash. The alarm goes off and they both leave before they're caught.

Outside, Sunny announces she's double crossing them both. She shoots Marcus in the chest and runs over him with the van. Willie chases after her on foot. Sunny heads for Santa Con, an outdoor celebration filled with thousands of people in Santa costumes. She easily disappears into the crowd with the money. Willie somehow catches her and she shoots him. He grabs the bag as she turns, and for some reason all the money flies up into the air. A crowd gathers, frantically snatching at the money. Sunny shoots at Willie again, but this time Thurman (?) jumps in the way, taking the bullet (in the butt) for him. The cops take Sunny away, and Willie and Thurman are rushed to the hospital.

Cut to a few days later, when Willie and Diane are having sex (sort of) in his hospital room. In another voice-over, he reveals he double crossed his mom by tipping off the cops about her plan, resulting in him neatly avoiding another prison term. Regent's embezzling was discovered and he was fired from the charity, and Diane's taken over. He's decided to keep Thurman around, as he says his new family is much better than his old one. He now works as a janitor at the hospital.

We then see Marcus recovering in a hospital room. Willie enters, and for a second we think he's going to smother his old partner with a pillow, but he changes his mind and tea bags Marcus, and posts the photos on Instagram.

Oh, my sides!

Thoughts:
• There's not a lot to say about this film. Bad comedies are always tough to review, as there are only so many ways to say "It's not funny."

• In Bad Santa, Willie meets Sue (played by Lauren Graham), a woman with a bizarre Santa fetish. The movie ends on a hopeful note, as it's implied they're a couple.

Sadly, Bad Santa 2 totally erases that ending, which really pissed me off. Sue's completely written out of the sequel, with barely a mention from Willie.

As much as I'd like to, I can't fault the writers for this one. Apparently Lauren Graham was approached to reprise her role, but was busy filming Gilmore Girls: A Year In The Life. Darn.

• Speaking of Lauren Graham: At the beginning of the film, Willie delivers a chunk of expository dialogue telling the audience what he's been doing the past thirteen years. At one point he gazes wistfully at a photo of Sue and Thurman before tearing it up (and peeing on it!). 

I wonder— did Lauren Graham get paid for appearing in a still photo?

• Credit where credit's due to actress Kathy Bates, who plays Sunny. I've never been a fan of Bates, but props to her here for diving head first into her performance as Willie's horrible, tatted-up monster of a mother.

By the way, despite the fact that they're playing mother and son, in reality Kathy Bates and Billy Bob Thornton are only seven years apart!

• Several times during the film, Sunny has a fit of wet, rasping coughs. At one point Willie becomes so concerned for her health that he steals some cough medicine for her.

I was sure we'd eventually find out that Sunny was dying of lung cancer or something, which would kindle a tiny flame of sympathy in Willie. Nope! The cough's dropped in the third act, and never brought up again.

I think maybe she was faking the cough in an effort to manipulate her son, but I'm honestly not sure. That's how well the film's directed.

• Kudos as well to actor Brett Kelly as Thurman Merman. Kelly was only ten years old when Bad Santa was filmed, and is now twenty three (!). Kelly looks almost exactly the same here (except bigger of course), and plays the character with the same wide-eyed, clueless optimism. He's probably the best thing about the movie. Definitely the funniest!

Kelly was definitely committed to this project— he reportedly gained forty pounds to reprise his role as the bumbling, dim-witted Thurman Merman. Too bad he did it for such an ill-conceived project.

Bad Santa 2 is a typical sequel that's nothing more than a sub-par rehash of the original. The uninspired, leaden script lacks the spark that made the first film special, resulting in a movie that wants to be shocking and offensive, but comes off as mean-spirited. Worst of all, it's just not funny. Do yourself a favor— skip the sequel and stick with the original. I'm waffling between giving it a C- or a D+. Ah, what the heck, it's Xmas. I give it a D+.