Friday, October 29, 2021

Smooth Operator

Saw this ad online today.

Thanks the gods old and new for Kohler's new Smooth-Sided®, Easier-To-Clean Toilets. Especially when I think of all the time I've wasted over the years, struggling to clean my old toilet with its
 irregularly shaped, suede covered sides! At long last I can have a commode made of baby ass-smooth porcelain!

Seriously, how dull and uninteresting is your product when the only innovative "feature" you can come up with is its smoothness?

I have to imagine their marketing meeting went something like this:

Kohler CEO: "OK, boys, sales are in the crapper this quarter— no pun intended. We need to come up with some way to get people excited about our toilets again! Are there any new and improved features we can tout?"
Marketing Head: "Um... not really. We sell toilets, and every model we make looks pretty much identical."
Koehler CEO: "What about water flow? Anything new there?"
Marketing Head: "Nope. Our products still whisk the customer's deposits down the drain, just like they always have."
Koehler CEO: "What about new colors? That could be fun?"
Marketing CEO: "Eh, our research revealed most people prefer white."
Marketing CEO: "Well there's gotta be something we can advertise!"
Junior Marketing Exec: "Um... we could mention our toilets are easy to clean."
Koehler CEO: "What? Well... of course they're easy to clean. They're made out of smooth porcelain! All you have to do is wipe them down with a damp cloth!"
Junior Marketing Exec: "But if we pretend it's a feature we just added, customers might think it's something new."
Koehler Exec: "Hmm... The more I think about it, the more I like it. It's genius! Jenkins, I like the way you think. I'm promoting you to Head Of Marketing, effective immediately!"

This was a true story I made up.

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