Smooth Operator

Saw this ad online today.

Thanks the gods old and new for Kohler's new Smooth-Sided®, Easier-To-Clean Toilets. Especially when I think of all the time I've wasted over the years, struggling to clean my old toilet with its irregularly shaped, suede covered sides! At long last I can have a commode made of baby ass-smooth porcelain!

Seriously, how dull and uninteresting is your product when the only innovative "feature" you can come up with is its smoothness?

I have to imagine their marketing meeting went something like this:

Kohler CEO: "OK, boys, sales are in the crapper this quarter— no pun intended. We need to come up with some way to get people excited about our toilets again! Are there any new and improved features we can tout?"

Marketing Head: "Um... not really. We sell toilets, and every model we make looks pretty much identical."

Koehler CEO: "What about water flow? Anything new there?"

Marketing Head: "Nope. Our products still whisk the customer's deposits down the drain, just like they always have."

Koehler CEO: "What about new colors? That could be fun?"
Marketing CEO: "Eh, our research revealed most people prefer white."

Marketing CEO: "Well there's gotta be something we can advertise!"

Junior Marketing Exec: "Um... we could mention our toilets are easy to clean."

Koehler CEO: "What? Well... of course they're easy to clean. They're made out of smooth porcelain! All you have to do is wipe them down with a damp cloth!"

Junior Marketing Exec: "But if we pretend it's a feature we just added, customers might think it's something new."

Koehler Exec: "Hmm... The more I think about it, the more I like it. It's genius! Jenkins, I like the way you think. I'm promoting you to Head Of Marketing, effective immediately!"

This was a true story I made up.

One Fine Day In The Glad Products Company Headquarters

Glad CEO: "Oy, my ulcer."

Art Director: "What's wrong, Boss?"

Glad CEO: "I just saw our fourth quarter earning reports, and they ain't good. Worst I've ever seen."

Art Director: "Why do you think that is, Boss?"

Glad CEO: "It's these damned millennials. All they think about is saving the planet this, and environment that. They're just not buying non-recyclable plastic bags."

Art Director: "Maybe we could come up with a way to get 'em to start."

Glad CEO: "That'd be great, but how? How can you convince a tree-hugging millennial to buy plastic bags?"

Art Director: "That's easy! What's the one thing millennials love more than anything in the world?"

Glad CEO: "Posting photos of their food?"

Art Director: "OK, what's the second thing they love most?"

Glad CEO: "Becoming easily offended by nothing?"

Art Director: "Heh. OK, third?"

Glad CEO: "Um... avocado toast?" 

Art Director: "Bingo! All we gotta do to get 'em to start buying our bags is plaster our box with avocados, and the sales'll skyrocket!"

Glad CEO:: "Johnson, you're a genius!"

This was a true story.

Hacienda Does It Again!

If you're a regular reader of my blog (as millions are), you know of my fascination with regional Mexican restaurant chain Hacienda and their series of increasingly puzzling billboards.

Hacienda's marketing campaign seems to be based on the old adage that "There's No Such Thing As Bad Publicity." To that end, they regularly feature billboards with controversial messages, apparently for no other reason than to get people talking about them. You can see some of their past dubious efforts here.

This is their latest billboard, that I spotted just down the street a couple days ago. There's nothing particularly controversial about this one, but it is mystifying.

Just what the hell is "Adult" Mac-N-Cheese? What does that even mean? How is mac-n-cheese adult?

Does it mean it's extra spicy, and kids won't be able to handle it? Do they pour a little alcohol in the cheese sauce? Or does it mean the pasta's x-rated, and is shaped like pee-pees and hoo-has?

Your guess is as good as mine.

Fish Heads, Fish Heads, Roly-Poly Fish Heads!

Over the weekend I saw this new billboard for regional Mexican restaurant chain Hacienda (that means "house!").

OK, I get that it's supposed to be humorous, but I'm afraid it's gonna backfire on them. Somehow the image of an entire dead, raw fish wedged between two bun doesn't exactly whet my appetite, or make me want to rush out to Hacienda.

One of these days I would dearly love to sit in on one of Hacienda's marketing meetings, if for no other reason than to see what horrifying ideas they decide NOT to use in their advertising!

This isn't the first time bizarre ad Hacienda has run. You can see a brief history of their insane marketing here.

Heart BURN!

This is a standard pizza. It's delicious, but most of all it's round, as nature intended.

Earlier this week, I saw many eateries in town advertising special heart-shaped pizzas for Valentine's Day, the world's most useless holiday.

I assume these heart-shaped pizzas are supposed to be romantic or some crap like that. Don't be tempted by this scam, no matter how much you think your significant other might enjoy it! Because make no mistake— heart-shaped pizzas ARE a scam!

Allow me to illustrate. Here is a heart-shaped pizza, helpfully colored solid white, superimposed on a round pizza of the same width. Can you believe it? Look at how much less pizza you get when the restaurant carves it into a heart shape!

Even worse, they usually charge a few dollars more for these crimes against nature! You're paying more money for less pizza, just so your sweetie will look at it and say, "Awww!"

Pizza parlors know exactly what they're doing here, and are banking on the fact that you flunked high school geometry. Don't fall for their scam!

It would not surprise me if before long, the nation's pizza parlors try selling the public on donut-shaped pizzas! Half the pizza for twice the dough! Get it? Dough?

Things That Are Strange

Hey, remember Stranger Things, last summer's blockbuster series from Netflix? Of course you do!

It's finally out on home video! Huzzah! I saw it at Walmart yesterda... hey, wait a minute. Pret-tee sneaky, sis!

Whoever put this out didn't use the exact same font or layout here, but it's pretty darned close. And it's patently obvious they're hoping to confuse consumers here. Some hapless shopper's gonna grab this thing off the shelf without looking at it closely, and they're gonna be mighty pissed when they get it home and put it in their DVD player.

Note that none of the eleven movies in this collection are even remotely similar to Stranger Things. It contains, among other films, Spacehunter: Adventure In The Forbidden Zone, which is a Star Wars knockoff, and Krull, a sci-fi/sword & sorcery mashup.

Walmart is also selling Lego Batman: The Movie on DVD...

Which doesn't sound the least bit like The Lego Batman Movie, currently playing in theaters.

This type of Marketing Shenanigans always seems... sleazy and underhanded to me. Shouldn't deliberately trying to confuse your customers to trick them into buying a knockoff product be illegal? If it's not, then it oughta be.

Once again, they're banking on consumer confusion here. You just know some clueless grandma's gonna buy Lego Batman: The Movie for her grandkids, thinking that The Lego Batman Movie's already out on home video.

This will then enrage her ungrateful, entitled grandkids so much they'll petition their parents to put Nana in a home. Way to go, DC and Lego. You just ruined an old woman's life!

Oh Apple, You've Done It Again!

Another innovation from Apple. Click to enlarge.

Answer The Call!

Just when we thought the mediocre Ghostbusters remake had finally faded into obscurity and we'd never have to hear about it again, it's back, much like the unstoppable villain in a slasher film.

Apparently when the film comes to home video, it'll now be titled Ghostbusters: Answer The Call.

I assume they made this change to differentiate it from the original, and avoid confusion in inventory catalogs and online shopping sites. 

I'm actually OK with this! I appreciate the fact that from now on, anytime I want to order the one true Ghostbusters online, I won't accidentally choose the second rate, uninspired reboot.

But "Answer The Call?" What the hell does that even mean? Did they ever say that at any point in the movie? I honestly can't remember, as I've already forgotten most of the film. I'd have to see it again to find out, and that ain't happening.

Maybe "Answer The Call" is supposed to be a response to the original tagline, "Who You Gonna Call?" Or maybe it refers to the Kevin character in the remake. I seem to dimly recall he was so stupid he didn't understand how a phone worked, and Melissa McCarthy screeching (the only way she can communicate) at him to "Answer the call!"

Sony insists that they're not renaming the film, as it's been subtitled Answer The Call all along. Eh, that's not quite true.

The first trailer didn't feature the title at all, simply ending with a shot of the slightly revamped Ghostbusters logo (grrr…). It then cut to a quick shot of the original "Who You Gonna Call" tagline over the word "SUMMER."

It wasn't until the second trailer hit that the "Answer The Call" Subtitle appeared. I saw this trailer, but I honestly never noticed the change. Or realized it was supposed to be part of the title.

It popped up on some (but not all) of the posters as well. Once again though, it's so small that I just assumed it was a tag line, not a title. Why were they doing their best to hide it?

This isn't the first time a movie title's been changed after it premiered. Raiders Of The Lost Ark now goes by the incredibly succinct name of Indiana Jones And The Raiders Of The Lost Ark (even though no one but George Lucas ever calls it that). And the horribly titled Edge Of Tomorrow was retitled Live, Die, Repeat when it came to home video.

I'm puzzled by that "Certified Fresh by Rotten Tomatoes" label on the blu ray cover. Is that some sort of ersatz Good Housekeeping Seal Of Approval, added in a desperate attempt to convince me to buy it?

If you mosey on over to the Rotten Tomatoes website, you'll see that the movie got a 73% score from critics. That's really not anything to crow about. On the classroom grading scale, a score of 73 equals a middling C+. And audiences gave it 57%, which is lower than an F! Is Sony sure they want to link their film to this site?

I'm Positive This Is Negative

Last week, New York based company Mately got in hot water when they used long-time Sesame Street characters Bert and Ernie in an advertisement without permission.

Mately is a startup company that specializes in mail-away test kits for HIV and other STDs. The ad in question shows Bert and Ernie apparently looking over their own test results before engaging in some good old fashioned healthy anal sex.

Jesus Jetskiing Christ!

In the ad, a smug looking Bert is presumably showing his test results to a concerned Ernie, who's apparently worried his life partner is riddled with sexually transmitted diseases. Bert proudly exclaims, "See Ernie, you've got nothing to worry about, everything is positive!"

Whaaa??? That doesn't make any goddamned sense. In the medical world, "positive" means the condition being tested for was found in the patient. So if Bert was getting tested for HIV, then a positive result means he has it. Which seems like Ernie would actually have plenty to worry about. 

If Bert is trying to be optimistic here and let Ernie know that he's clean, then he used a very poor choice of words. Did anyone proofread this ad before they uploaded it?

Needless to say, Sesame Workshop, who produces Sesame Street and owns the various characters on the show, were not happy. Spokesmen for Sesame Workshop claimed the ad campaign was an "unauthorized, unlicensed use of our characters" and sent a cease-and-desist letter to Mately. The ad has since been pulled from the Mately website and social media pages. 

Mately "CEO" Brandon Greenberg quickly issued an apology, stating, "We sincerely apologize if we offended anyone or if any images were use inappropriately... This was by no means part of an advertising campaign intended to tarnish the Sesame Street brand.”

Well of course you didn't intend to tarnish the Sesame Street brand. How could the fact that you implied that a puppet on a beloved children's program may be riddled with AIDS possibly harm the brand?

This whole ad kerfuffle could end up torpedoing Mately's business plans. They're attempting to fund the startup through an Indiegogo campaign, whatever the hell that is. They need to raise $500,000, but as of last week have only managed to scrape together an embarrassing $3,859 (with two months to go). Gosh, who'd have thought people wouldn't want to test themselves for STDs in the privacy of their own bathrooms?

Chip Faced

Take a look at this billboard I recently saw for Hacienda, a regional Mexican restaurant chain here in Indiana. Their food's pretty good, but they're definitely not taking the high road with their marketing strategy. 

Obviously their "Get Chip Faced" slogan is a thinly disguised version of "sh*t faced." That has to be what it means, right? I can't think of anything else they could be going for here.

Oddly enough this isn't the first time they've done something like this. A while back they were running these "Code Brown" billboards all around town. 

As you no doubt know, many hospitals use the "code" terminology to alert the staff of an emergency without alarming the public. Code Red means "Emergency." Code Blue means "Cardiac Arrest." And Code Brown means "Patient has soiled themselves, their bed and possibly the walls, bring a mop and bucket."

Someone on the Hacienda Marketing Team is definitely a big fan of turd-based advertising puns.

This Week In Desperate Marketing Campaigns

Marvel's next blockbuster movie Ant-Man hits theaters next month. Comic fans all know the shrinking superhero of course, but the general public has most likely never heard of him.

Marvel knows this, and realizes they're gambling on a relatively unknown property, just like they did last year with The Guardians Of The Galaxy. To that end, they've been waging an increasingly desperate marketing campaign in order to raise awareness and sell the character to the masses.

Nowhere is that more evident than in this new round of movie posters they just released. Who's film is this, anyway? The title says Ant-Man, but you can barely see him, as half the poster's real estate is taken up by Iron Man's head & shoulder. 

I'm also pretty sure Iron Man's not in the movie, so this poster constitutes fraud. False advertising, at the very least.

We get it already, guys. It's a Marvel movie. Ant-Man lives in the same world as Tony Stark and the Avengers. I'm sure we'll like him just as much.

There you go, Marvel. I fixed your poster for you.

And just in case you still don't get it, they also released a Captain America one (without Cap)...

And a Thor one, with Mjolnir instead of Thor.

Subtlety, thy name is Marvel!

Not Lovin' It

Things are looking grim these days for McDonald's. According to recent sales reports, customers are deserting the fast food giant like rats from a sinking fast food franchise, as they spend their dollars at trendier eateries like Chipotle, or cheaper ones such as Burger King.

In an effort to shore up falling sales, McDonald's corporate leaders have decided the best thing to do is dump their current "I'm lovin' it" slogan, in favor of a new one. Because god knows people don't care about healthy food at a fair price, what they really want are snappier catch phrases!

The new slogan in question? Lovin' Is Greater Than Hatin.' And no, I'm not making that up, it's the honest to god actual new slogan.

(cue chirping crickets)

Well, that's definitely a slogan alright. It's not a good one by any stretch of the imagination, but you can't deny it's a slogan.

What's odd about it is that they've apparently chosen not to spell it out in traditional human language, but to write it instead as sort of an equation. Does the general public even know what the ">" symbol is? Will they be able to correctly decipher the slogan, or will they see it as "Lovin' Points To Hatin'?"

This slogan isn't going to affect sales one whit either way, but the deluded executive at McDonald's corporate offices seem to think it will. To help out the poor overpaid saps, I've come up with 8 New McDonald's Slogans Better Than Lovin' > Hatin.'

This one gets directly to the point and addresses the whole negative perception the general public seems to have toward the fast food behemoth.

Just callin' a spade a spade here.

This one may be a little too clingy, like that one desperate friend everyone has who always tags along on all your outings, whether he was invited or not.

A slogan for the Coulrophobe customer base.

This one's got a definite Fatal Attraction vibe.

Technically this one is true. McDonald's no longer cooks their fries in beef tallow, which, for those not in the know, is a hard fatty substance made from rendered animal fat, also used in making candles and soap. 

Again, spade.

This one's a bit near to my heart; it's what dear old dad used to say when mother would ask if the pot roast came out OK.

You're welcome, McDonald's. Feel free to use any or all of these slogans as you see fit. You can send remuneration to me care of my blog.

Marketing Genius

Saw this Walmart Exclusive DVD Double Feature a couple days ago.

Whoever thought to package these two films together is a goddamned marketing genius! I hope they got a substantial raise and a corner office.

Marketing Genius

There's been yet another new wrinkle in The Interview saga!

Last week Sony announced they were canceling the release of the film, due to threats from North Korea, who vowed to commit 9/11-like attacks on any theater brazen enough to screen  it.

Sony's decision was met with near universal ridicule and outrage, and may have even paved the way for similar threats in the future.

Today Sony reversed their decision and announced they're going to release The Interview in a few select  theaters on Xmas day. And by select they most likely mean independents, not chains.

Interesting.

You know, if I was just a wee bit more paranoid, I might think that this was all part of some carefully orchestrated and ingenious marketing plan. Think about it. You've got a mediocre comedy on your hands that's probably not going to gross a huge amount of money. How do you sell it?

How about you make up a story about North Korea, the subject of the picture, threatening to blow up any theater who dares show it? Then you announce that for the good of the public, you're pulling the film. Nothing makes people desire something more than telling them they can't have it. 

You let the news outlets and bloggers have their field day with the story, generating tons of free publicity for you. Then you announce you're going to bravely defy those who would oppress you, and will release the film after all. Suddenly your run-of-the-mill little movie has become the must-see event of the season!

It's sheer genius, I tell you.

This Week In Clueless Advertising

This week a Turkish cosmetics company ran an ad for hair removal product Epila, featuring the bleary-eyed image of known terrorist Khalid Sheikh Mohammed. You may remember Mr. Mohammed as the chief architect of the 9/11 attacks back in 2001.

Whoops!

Mahmet Can Yildiz, a spokesman for the company, claimed ignorance in the gaffe. "We featured him for his hair, not terrorism," said Yildiz. "We didn't know that he was a terrorist."

Uh-huh. C'mon, guys! This greasy, unkempt malcontent is only slightly less infamous than Hitler! There's no way you can claim ignorance here. Gross incompetance, yes. But ignorance? I ain't buying it.

Somehow it's heartening to see that bumbling ineptitude in the ad world isn't just an American phenomenon.

Anyway, congratulations to the Epila company for their oafish faux pas. They win this week's Costanza Award:

"Was that wrong? Should I not have done that? I tell you, I gotta plead ignorance on this thing, because if anyone had said anything to me at all when I first started here that that featuring a known terrorist mastermind in a cosmetics ad is frowned upon... you know, cause I've worked in a lot of offices, and I tell you, people use revolutionaries and insurgents in marketing all the time."

The Power Of Marketing

If you're a regular reader of Bob Canada's BlogWorld (as millions are), you've no doubt heard me blathering on from time to time about Marketing. 

But Bob, I hear a percentage of you pleading, what exactly is Marketing? Alright, alright, get up off the floor and I'll tell you.

Imagine you've got a kid. Say, nine or ten years old (kids are nine or ten, right?). So you sit this kid down and tell him you'll take him to the ice cream parlor (kids like ice cream parlors, right?). But... the catch is he has to wear a cardboard box on his head.

What do you think would happen? The kid would press a shiv against your neck for even suggesting such a thing, that's what would happen (kids carry shivs, right?). And to top it off, he'd probably call Child Protective Services on you for daring to even suggest such a thing.

However... if you take the box and cover it with pixely squares so it resembles the characters from Worlds Of Minecraft or whatever the hell it's called, why they won't be able to put it on their head fast enough! In fact they'll proudly strut down the street and into the ice cream parlor with a goddamned cardboard box on their head, and they'll like it!* You probably won't be able to get them to stop wearing it! They'll press a shiv against your neck before ever removing it.

And that is what Marketing's all about.

*This ain't something I invented-- I went to a large comic and toy show last year and saw scores of kids walking around with boxes like these on their heads.

I'm Not Lovin' It

After a dismal five percent drop in first quarter earnings, this week fast food behemoth McDonald's decided to take drastic steps to boost their sagging bottom line.

So how do they plan to increase sales? By lowering the prices of their menu items? Improving customer service? Using actual edible substances in their food?

Nope, none of that. They plan to shore up their anemic sales by giving spokes-clown Ronald McDonald a makeover.

Ronald, seen here posing in front of the backdrop of every comedy club in the country, has dumped his traditional yellow jumper for a smart new embroidered red blazer. 

The new ensemble was designed by Tony Award-winning theatrical designer Ann Hould-Ward, whoever that is. It's the first wardrobe update for Ronald since 2005.

I must say I'm all for Ronald's snappy new look. Because Lord knows the reason I haven't eaten at a McDonald's in ten years is because of the clothes their goddamned clown is wearing. Their food is sure to be healthier and more palatable now that he's wearing a jacket.

Bosses From The Eighth Circle Of Hell: Restroom Surprise

Throughout my career I've prided myself on working hard, performing what's asked of me to the best of my ability and being an all-around good employee. I've also done my best to get along with my various bosses. 

Alas, sometimes that's just not possible. Sometimes you end up with a Boss From The Eighth Circle Of Hell.

Back in the 1990s I worked at a marketing agency for a rather colorful Boss.

The men's room at the agency contained the usual: a urinal and two stalls. One day I went in to use the facilities and as I walked past the first stall, the door suddenly flew open. There was my Boss, sitting inside like a trapdoor spider just waiting for someone to walk by.

He actually wanted to discuss some marketing project while he sat there calmly doing his business with his pants around his ankles. Apparently he must have thought he was LBJ. I stammered a bit, averted my gaze and quickly did an about face and got the hell out of there.

A few days later I walked into the men's room and the stall door burst open again, once more revealing the Boss sitting there in all his glory. This time he tried to hand me a report that he wanted me to look over. I refused to touch it (and made a mental note to never again touch anything in that office for the rest of my life) and bolted for the door. Cheezus, we had a perfectly good conference room in the building; why'd he keep trying to hold meetings in the crapper?

Later I found out that I wasn't the first to experience his surprise bathroom "meetings." He'd opened his stall door to virtually every other male on the staff. Eventually we learned to always check and make sure he wasn't in the men's room before going in.

Bosses From The Eighth Circle Of Hell: Color Correction

Throughout my career I've prided myself on working hard, performing what's asked of me to the best of my ability, and being an all-around good employee. I've also done my best to get along with my various bosses.

Alas, sometimes that's just not possible. Sometimes you end up with a Boss From The Eighth Circle of Hell. 

Back in the 1990s I worked as a graphic designer at a marketing company, for a rather colorful boss. One day my Boss came into the designer's office all in a tizzy. He was holding a color photo in his hand, moaning and fretting and pacing back and forth. After several minutes of questioning I finally got to the source of his strife: the color photo he was holding needed to be converted to black and white and sent to a print shop in Indianapolis by noon. The Boss (who wasn't exactly a technical wiz) didn't know how we could possibly accomplish this in time, as he said it would take days for a color photo to be turned into black and white and mailed halfway across the state.

While he was gnashing his teeth and rending his garments, I took the color photo from him and scanned it into Photoshop. Once in the application I selected "Grayscale" from a drop-down menu and converted it to black and white. I then saved a copy of the file and emailed it to the print shop. The entire operation took less than five minutes. I interrupted the Boss' fit and told him it was all taken care of. Instead of thanking me though, he just stood there giving me a wary look, like he suspected I was some kind of witch. He hurried out of the office, suspiciously glancing back at me the entire time.

A few weeks later the Boss came into the designer's office with a new project for me. You can probably guess where this is going. He handed me a black and white photo and wanted me to "work my magic" on it and turn it into a color shot. I stared at him for a few seconds and then told him that was impossible. He said, "Well you turned that color shot into a black and white one, so why can't you do it the other way around?" 

I tried to explain that going from color to grayscale was easy— you're simplifying the image, taking millions of colors and distilling them down to 256 shades of gray. Going the opposite direction is just not possible. How would Photoshop know what color shirt a person in the picture was wearing? What color's their car? The building behind them?

As you might well imagine, this (and any kind of technical explanation) sailed far, far over the Boss' head. He snatched the photo back in disgust and said, "Why do we have all this expensive equipment around here if it can't do what I need it to do?" and stormed out.