One Corp To Rule Them All

(Reuters) - This week international conglomerate Shire announced it has agreed to buy U.S. group NPS Pharmaceuticals Inc for $5.2 billion. This is the corporation's biggest acquisition to date as it seeks to strengthen its position in the field of conventional, non-Elven medicine.

The news comes on the heels of Shire's takeover of Buckland LLC and Bree Industries late last year. Shire beat out several other top firms vying for the company, including Moria Mining, Inc., The Rohan Group, Gondor Venture Capital and Rivendell R & D.

Shire CEO Bilbo Baggins could not be reached for comment. All calls to his office were met with a message consisting of "No thank you! We don't want any more reporters, industry insiders or distant shareholders!"

A spokesman for the company, one Gandalf T. White, Esq. (formerly Gandalf T. Grey), was scheduled to comment on the sale, but was reportedly late to the press conference. When White finally arrived, he furrowed his brow and stated in a raspy voice, "A spokesman is never late, nor is he early. He arrives precisely when he means to!" 

Baggins did attend a recent shareholder's meeting, in which he took the stage before the assembled guests and said, "My dear CEOs and CFOs, Presidents and Vice Presidents, Directors, Managers, Supervisors, Accountants, Shareholders and Reporters! I don't know half of your companies half as well as I should like, and I like less than half of your companies half as well as they deserve."

As the audience murmured in confusion and demanded answers, Baggins seemed distracted and confused as he mumbled, "I've put this off for far too long. I regret to announce... this is The End." Baggins then reportedly appeared to vanish into thin air, greatly startling everyone in attendance.

Witnesses say the crowd then rose to their feet and began to storm the stage. White, who was also in attendance, seemed to grow in stature as the auditorium darkened and shook, and he bellowed in a menacing voice, "Ash nazg durbatuluk, ash nazg gimbatul, ash nazg thrakatuluk agh burzum-ishi krimpatul!"

Despite the chaotic meeting, analysts predict the deal could boost Shire's earnings per share by at least twelve percent. Shares in Shire edged slightly lower in the opening trades on Monday, however, as many industry insiders believe Baggins to be "cracked."

Investors shouldn't celebrate under the Party Tree just yet, as rumors of Baggins' pending retirement refuse to die. Word on the street suggests he may soon hand over the reins to the corporation to his nephew Frodo Baggins, a move that could send shockwaves through the industry and send the stock plummeting.

There are more dark clouds on the horizon, in the form of competition. The recent merger between Mordor Holdings and Isengard Enterprises (MordorCorp) has resulted in a conglomeration that could be a powerful enemy for Shire.

Indeed, Smeagol, a spokesman for MordorCorp, released a statement saying, "Baggins! We hates it forever!"

Helpful Tip #1: How To Choose A Name For Your Dog

Here's a helpful tip for all of you readers out there who are racking your brains trying to come up with a suitable name for your new dog:

Step 1: Think of a name.

Step 2: Stand in the middle of your front yard or in the center of your local park.

Step 3: Scream your dog's potential name over and over at the top of your lungs.

Step 4: Do you feel like a bloomin' idiot whilst screaming the name? If not, then you've chosen your dog's name wisely. If you DO feel ridiculous, then you need to go back to Step 1, because believe me, you'll be repeating Step 3 ad nauseum throughout the life of your new pet.

That's the valuable lesson I learned back in the early 1980s. I'd just got a Dalmatian puppy (that's him in the photo above), and I thought it would be the ultimate in coolness to name him Frodo. Yes, I said Frodo. Bear in mind that this was decades before Peter Jackson ever dreamed of filming Tolkien's trilogy, in a time when the only people who'd ever heard of Lord of the Rings were basement-dwelling Dungeons & Dragons players. To the public at large, the name Frodo had about as much meaning as a handful of Scrabble tiles thrown randomly onto the counter.

Frodo had an unfortunate tendency to hightail it out of our yard at every possible opportunity, so I spent many an hour standing outside screaming his name, much to the puzzlement of the neighborhood. I knew during the first ten seconds that I'd chosen the wrong handle for him.

So remember, it might seem like a good idea when you're sitting in the comfort of your home to name your dog "Mr. P. J. McFluffington," but in practice, not so much.