Tuesday, January 13, 2015

One Corp To Rule Them All

(Reuters) - This week international conglomerate Shire announced it has agreed to buy U.S. group NPS Pharmaceuticals Inc for $5.2 billion. This is the corporation's biggest acquisition to date as it seeks to strengthen its position in the field of conventional, non-Elven medicine.

The news comes on the heels of Shire's takeover of Buckland LLC and Bree Industries late last year. Shire beat out several other top firms vying for the company, including Moria Mining, Inc., The Rohan Group, Gondor Venture Capital and Rivendell R & D.

Shire CEO Bilbo Baggins could not be reached for comment. All calls to his office were met with a message consisting of "No thank you! We don't want any more reporters, industry insiders or distant shareholders!"

A spokesman for the company, one Gandalf T. White, Esq. (formerly Gandalf T. Grey), was scheduled to comment on the sale, but was reportedly late to the press conference. When White finally arrived, he furrowed his brow and stated in a raspy voice, "A spokesman is never late, nor is he early. He arrives precisely when he means to!" 

Baggins did attend a recent shareholder's meeting, in which he took the stage before the assembled guests and said, "My dear CEOs and CFOs, Presidents and Vice Presidents, Directors, Managers, Supervisors, Accountants, Shareholders and Reporters! I don't know half of your companies half as well as I should like, and I like less than half of your companies half as well as they deserve."

As the audience murmured in confusion and demanded answers, Baggins seemed distracted and confused as he mumbled, "I've put this off for far too long. I regret to announce... this is The End." Baggins then reportedly appeared to vanish into thin air, greatly startling everyone in attendance.

Witnesses say the crowd then rose to their feet and began to storm the stage. White, who was also in attendance, seemed to grow in stature as the auditorium darkened and shook, and he bellowed in a menacing voice, "Ash nazg durbatuluk, ash nazg gimbatul, ash nazg thrakatuluk agh burzum-ishi krimpatul!"

Despite the chaotic meeting, analysts predict the deal could boost Shire's earnings per share by at least twelve percent. Shares in Shire edged slightly lower in the opening trades on Monday, however, as many industry insiders believe Baggins to be "cracked."

Investors shouldn't celebrate under the Party Tree just yet, as rumors of Baggins' pending retirement refuse to die. Word on the street suggests he may soon hand over the reins to the corporation to his nephew Frodo Baggins, a move that could send shockwaves through the industry and send the stock plummeting.

There are more dark clouds on the horizon, in the form of competition. The recent merger between Mordor Holdings and Isengard Enterprises (MordorCorp) has resulted in a conglomeration that could be a powerful enemy for Shire.

Indeed, Smeagol, a spokesman for MordorCorp, released a statement saying, "Baggins! We hates it forever!"

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