Legends Of Tomorrow Season 2, Episode 15: Fellowship Of The Spear

This week on Legends Of Tomorrow we get another batsh*t insane (but in a good way) episode, in which the team finally recovers the Spear Of Destiny, visits WWI and meets J.R.R. Tolkien (yes, that J.R.R. Tolkien). Oh, and we also get the long-promised return of Captain Cold. Whew! And all that in just under forty five minutes!

Since last season consisted of sixteen episodes, I naturally assumed that next week would be the big season finale. Nope! For some reason there's an extra episode this season, for a total of seventeen. Cool! The more Legends, the better, I say!

A few months ago in Raiders Of The Lost Art, the Legends met George Lucas (yes, that George Lucas) and accidentally scared him out of writing and directing Star Wars, which had a huge impact on the world. They then had to convince him to create it and restore the timeline.

When I saw that this episode featured J.R.R. Tolkien (yes, that J.R.R. Tolkien), I was afraid we'd get the exact same plotline. Happily, that didn't happen. Instead of preventing Tolkien from writing The Hobbit and The Lord Of The Rings, the Legends actually inspired him, as many of the events he experienced in this episode ended up in his novels. That means this episode is more like the short film George Lucas In Love than the one that actually featured George Lucas!

All that said, I can't decide if the idea that Tolkien's works were inspired by the Legends is fun, or insulting to his legacy.

This week's episode also gives us Heat Wave's sudden but inevitable betrayal. Eh... I dunno. His change of heart felt VERY rushed to me. It would have been nice if they'd set it up a week or two ago, to give his storyline a bit more room to breathe. On the other hand, I suppose if I had to pick between The Walking Dead's penchant for dragging out storylines way too long and Legends Of Tomorrow burning through them, I'd pick the latter every time.

SPOILERS!

The Plot:
White Canary, Steel, Vixen and Heat Wave are in a trench in WWI, dressed in period-appropriate attire. They're using the restored Spear Of Destiny to locate Christ's blood (?).

Cut to 72 Hours Earlier (ARRRGGGHHH!!!).

The Legends, who now have two pieces of the Spear Of Destiny, discuss how to recover the rest of it and keep the entire thing out of the Legion Of Doom's hands. Rip Hunter says there's only one place the Legion could be hiding— at the Vanishing Point, the former home of the Time Masters, which exists outside of time and space.

Gideon flies them to the Vanishing Point, and the Legends split into two teams and search for the rest of the Spear fragments. Heat Wave finds the spot where Captain Cold sacrificed himself to save the team in last season in Legendary. White Canary sees him staring at the spot, and says she misses him too. Atom shrinks and flies into Eobard Thawne's office (?), where he's apparently updating his Facebook status.

Meanwhile, Rip and Firestorm find a strange obelisk. Rip's fragment of the Spear begins glowing as they get closer, meaning the rest of the pieces are inside it. Firestorm uses his transmutation powers to turn the obelisk into jelly beans (?), revealing the Spear fragments. Rip grabs them, and they head back to the ship. An alarm sounds, and Thawne realizes the Legends are there. He zooms out of his office as the Waverider flies off. He does his best Shatner impression as he shouts, "NOOOOOO!" to the heavens.

Back on the Waverider, Rip lays all the pieces of the Spear on a table, and they miraculously merge into one. He explains that the Spear is extremely dangerous, as it will corrupt anyone who attempts to use it, even if their intentions are good (sounds familiar!). Heat Wave tries to destroy it with fire, but it's unaffected, as Rip mentions it's indestructible (also familiar!). They notice the flames reveal an inscription on the Spear, (familiar!) which reads, "Born Of Blood, Undone By Blood."

Steel says the inscription means that the Spear, which was supercharged by Christ's blood, can only be destroyed by the same. Canary orders Gideon to head for the Crucifixion, but Rip belays the order, saying there are some historical events that Must. Not. Be. Screwed. With. Steel says there may be another way.

He says once heard a legend that Sir Gawain, of The Holy Grail fame, may have been buried with a vial of Christ's blood somewhere in the south of France. He says the author of the book is none other than John Ronald Reuel Tolkien (!). Canary sets a course for WWI.

Meanwhile in the Vanishing Point, Damien Darhk taunts Thawne for losing the Spear. Thawne says the Legends are too goody-goody to actually use the Spear, and will instead want to destroy it, and suggests they be there waiting for them when they do. Darhk says he's calling in reinforcements (no doubt because Malcolm Merlyn is conspicuously absent for most of this episode).

The Waverider arrives in WWI France at the Battle Of Somme, and the Legends infiltrate the battlefield in period uniforms (more on this plot hole later). Vixen and Heat Wave look for Tolkien in a hospital tent. She's overwhelmed by all the suffering she sees inside. 

Heat Wave steps out and has another hallucination of his old partner, Captain Cold. He mocks Heat Wave, saying he's grown soft and become the Legends' errand boy. He says the Legends aren't his friends, and still think of him as a thug. Heat Wave denies this, and tries to ignore Cold, saying he's not real. Suddenly Cold punches Heat Wave in the face! Apparently the Legion Of Doom went back in time and picked up Cold from a period before he joined the Legends. Cold tells Heat Wave if he stole the Spear, he could use it to bring him back to life.

Rip, Atom and Steel search through a trench and miraculously find Tolkien. Unfortunately he's suffering from typhoid fever, and passes out. They carry him away to the Waverider, where they put him in the medbay and cure him. Tolkien wakes up on the ship, and takes it all amazingly in stride. Must be that "stiff upper lip" British attitude. Rip and Steel explain that they took him so he can help them locate Sir Gawain's tomb, and use the Blood Of Christ to destroy the Spear Of Destiny. Amazingly none of this fazes him either.

Meanwhile, Vixen broods in her room, affected by the horror she saw on the battlefield. Heat Wave hears the Spear calling to him and stares at it, debating whether or not to touch it. Professor Stein wanders in, and Heat Wave tells him he's been seeing Cold again. He says this time he thinks Cold is real. Naturally Stein thinks he's nuts, and blows off his concerns.

Tolkien figures out the location of Sir Gawain's tomb, in a church in Amiens, France. The Legends fly to the church, and Rip, Steel, Heat Wave and Tolkien search the ruins. They find the remains of Sir Gawain hidden behind a wall, and see what appears to be a map engraved on his shield.

Suddenly Darhk and Cold interrupt them. Darhk says he knows what they're planning, thanks to Heat Wave spilling the beans to what he thought was an hallucination of Cold. A group of soldiers (no clue where Darhk found them) open fire on the Legends. They fight back, and Tolkien manages to make a rubbing of the map from Gawain's shield just before they retreat.

Back on the Waverider, the team's furious with Heat Wave for telling Cold their plans. He tries to explain that he didn't think he was real, but they dickishly refuse to listen, going so far as to imply they can no longer trust him. Their words eerily echo everything that Cold told him earlier.

Vixen hears the Spear calling to her too. Heat Wave notices her slowly inching toward it (why isn't this thing locked up?), and asks what she hears. She says she hears her mother, begging her to save her village. Heat Wave says he hears his parents too, telling him not to play with fire (and burn them alive). Tolkien studies the map rubbing and figures out where they need to go to find the Blood Of Christ. He says they need to return to the Battle of Somme, "the most violent conflict in human history."

Canary, Steel, Vixen and Heat Wave run through the battlefield, as we catch up to the beginning of the episode (insert eye roll here). Canary carries the Spear with her, as it will glow when it's near Christ's blood (familiar!). Rip & Tolkien try to talk the British commander into a temporary ceasefire, while Stein does the same over on the German side. Neither army will agree to a ceasefire unless the other side does so first. 

Finally Rip's had enough and punches out the British commander. He uses the Waverider to broadcast a heartfelt message to all the troops to lay down their weapons, ostensibly so the injured can be taken care of, but really so the Legends can find the Blood Of Christ without being killed.

Amazingly, the troops on both sides stop fighting momentarily. Canary and the others follow the glowing Spear to an ornate box that's sticking out of the ground (I'm going to be generous here and guess that a bomb partially exposed it, and that it wasn't actually "buried" two inches underground for several thousand years). Canary hands the Spear to Heat Wave (uh-oh), and helps Steel uncover the box. Steel opens the box, and is astonished to see it actually contains a vial of what is presumably Christ's blood.

Just then, Darhk and Cold appear, threatening to kill the Legends if they don't hand over the Spear. Canary sees Heat Wave staring at the Spear, and tells him to hand it back to her. Cold messes with Heat Wave's head again, telling him they're not his friends. Canary tries to convince him otherwise, but frankly, their past actions prove her a liar. Heat Wave joins Cold and Darhk with the Spear. He asks Vixen to come with, saying they can both fix their pasts with the Spear, but she politely declines. Thawne speeds in and whisks the Legion— including Heat Wave— away.

Before he goes, Cold tosses a grenade onto the battlefield, which starts up the war again. The Legends run back to their ship, but Steel's blown off his feet and drops the vial. It's shattered by a stray bullet (!). Welp, so much for that!

By the way, apparently the Legends returned Tolkien to the trenches while we weren't looking, because he's never mentioned again.

Back on the Waverider, the team discusses their failure, as Atom says Heat Wave was right— they never did trust him, or treat him as one of them. Steel says all may not be lost, as the Legion may not understand how to use the Spear.

Back at Legion Headquarters (in the Vanishing Point, I think?), the villains are all pleased with themselves. Suddenly Malcom Merlyn joins them, saying he managed to recover the Kalobros, an ancient book known as the Word Of God. He explains to Heat Wave and Cold that it's like an owner's manual for the Spear. The group all grab hold of the Spear, as Merlyn begins chanting an ancient passage from the book to activate it.

Thoughts: 

• Ugh... this episode starts with a caption that reads "72 Hours Earlier." This is called the "How We Got Here" trope, and it happens when a TV episode or movie actually begins at a crucial point near the end of the story, often with a character's death. The story then flashes back to the beginning to tell us how the character or characters ended up at that point. 

This particular trope was hugely popular in the mid 1990s and early 2000s, where it was used in numerous movies— typically crime & mobster films. The Usual Suspects, Carlito's Way, Goodfellas and Casino all use this trope. It's been used on TV more times in the past ten years or so than I can possibly count.

It's become way overused at this point, and I absolutely hate it. Just show the goddamned scenes in order already and be done with it.

Even worse, there was absolutely no reason to start this episode that way, other than to create a "What The Hell?" moment in the cold open.

• This episode has a definite Raiders Of The Lost Ark feel to it. Finding the pieces of the Spear Of Destiny (a religious relic with mystical powers), tracking down Sir Gawain in the middle of a war and recovering a vial of the Blood Of Christ— all that felt like things Indiana Jones would be involved with.

• We get a rare and brief appearance by Firestorm in this episode. I guess his flaming head effects must be too expensive to use him each week.

Even better, he actually used his transmutational powers, as he turned an obelisk into a pile of jellybeans. I don't think he's used that power since the beginning of the season. I was beginning to think the writers had forgotten he could do that!

• A few weeks ago I wondered if, once the Legends collected all the pieces of the Spear Of Destiny, they'd have to duct-tape it back together to make it whole. Nope! Once the pieces were all in proximity to one another, the magical artifact magically reformed itself.

• Once the Legends have the Spear, Rip warns them all of its corruptive influence. He tells them to never even touch it, much less try and use it. Later both Vixen and Heat Wave hear the Spear calling to them, and can barely resist grabbing it.

If this thing's as dangerous as Rip says it is, why the hell doesn't he lock it up in the armory or something? Why leave it casually lying on a table out in the open on the bridge?

Answer: Because the script needed Vixen and Heat Wave to be tempted by the Spear, and that couldn't happen if it was locked safely away.

• The inscription on the Spear Of Destiny reads "Natum de sanguine, perditus a sanguine," which Steel says means "Born of blood, undone by blood."

I don't know how much faith you can put in Google Translate, but I typed it in and it says the inscription translates as, "Born of the blood, become an astonishment from the blood."

• When the Legends find out that the Spear can be destroyed by the Blood Of Christ, Canary orders Gideon to set a course for the crucifixion. Rip immediately belays that order, explaining that Christ's Crucifixion is an event they simply can't risk altering. This sounds a lot like the Doctor's "Fixed Points In Time" on Doctor Who. Strike that. It sounds EXACTLY like the Doctor's fixed points.

I'm betting the REAL reason the writers came up with this little dodge is because they imagined the vast mountain of complaints they'd get if they had Canary walk up to the cross, stand under Jesus with a bucket and collect a sample of his dripping blood.

• Steel starts infodumping a legend about how the Holy Grail that Sir Gawain found may not have been a cup, but actually a vial of Christ's blood. Gosh, they were just in Camelot a month ago. Too bad they didn't think to go back there, see if Gawain was around and if so, ask him if he had it or not!

• When Steel talks about a book that may hold the clue to the location of Christ's blood, Vixen reads the title and the author, saying, "The Burden Of The Purest Heart. By J.R.R. Tolkien." She has a "You gotta be kidding me" look on her face as she reads the name, as if she recognizes it.

It's entirely possible she could have. The Hobbit was first published in 1937, and Vixen is from 1942. That means she had five years to pick up the book, although I can't imagine why a superhero like her would want to read a children's story.

While it's slightly possible she's familiar with Tolkien and The Hobbit, she'd be completely unfamiliar with The Lord Of The Rings, as it was published in 1954, twelve years after she stowed away on the Waverider and joined the Legends.

• I like this episode quite a bit, but it contains one huge, massive, whopper of a plot hole. One that's nearly fatal to the entire episode. You've probably already guessed what it is.

Steel says Tolkien was an expert on Sir Gawain, and is the one person in the world who knows where to find his burial place in the north of France. When Canary hears this, she immediately orders Gideon to set course for WWI France.

Seriously? Why the holy hell did they have to go visit Tolkien IN THE MIDDLE OF THE FREAKIN' FIRST WORLD WAR??? I cannot emphasize enough how stupid this is. They needlessly risked their lives dodging bullets and bombs on the battlefield all through this episode for absolutely no reason! Tolkien lived a peaceful life as an Oxford professor for many years after the Great War. Why couldn't the Legends have just visited him sometime in, oh, I don't know, 1930 or any of the other many years he lived until his death in 1973?

I suppose we could say the Legends were afraid that Sir Gawain's tomb might be destroyed by the war, so they wanted to get the blood before that happened. I suppose we could say that, but it still seems kind of iffy.

The writers try to smooth this over a bit, by having Steel say, "John Tolkien was in the North of France in 1916 during the Battle of the Somme as a Second Lieutenant in World War I," to which Canary replies, "Well, looks like we're going back to war." 

Nice try, guys. It didn't work. The only reason for picking up Tolkien during the war was so they could work some action and history into the episode.

• There's also a pretty big secondary plot hole in this episode. After the Legends recover the Spear, Rip warns them against using it. He says he attempted to destroy it when it first came into his possession, but he failed. Heat Wave then tries to burn it, but it's not even singed. 

Rip explains that any damage done to the Spear is temporary, and it will always heal itself.

So how the hell did he split it into four pieces then? 

A bit later he explains that "with much effort and numerous explosives," he managed to divide it into fourths, and then had to keep the pieces separate so it couldn't re-form. 

Eh... I appreciate that the writers actually thought about this and attempted to explain it, but it's still pretty weak sauce.

• I think I brought this up once before, but it's worth a repeat. If the Legends really want to destroy the Spear Of Destiny, once again they're overlooking the easiest and most obvious solution— toss it into the sun! Or any star, for that matter, since they've got a damned timeship.

While it's true that Heat Wave's flamethrower didn't char it, I'm pretty sure the nuclear inferno at the heart of a star would. And even if that somehow didn't destroy it, placing it in the heart of our sun would at least keep it out of the reach of the Legion Of Doom.

• Since I first became aware of him in the late 1970s, I've always pronounced Tolkien's name as "Toll-ken," which is the most common pronunciation in America. In Britain they tend to pronounce it "Toll-keen." Oddly enough that's the way all the Legends pronounce it in this episode.

There's supposedly a third way to pronounce it, found in recorded interviews with Tolkien's descendants. They pronounce it "Toll-kyen," almost as if it has three syllables.

Since no one can seem to agree which way's right, I say pronounce his name however you want and don't worry about it.

NOTE: I've been informed by English reader Les Steel that he and all his mates pronounce Tolkien as "Toll-ken," just as we do here in the States. So I have no idea where the show got this weirdo "Toll-keen" pronunciation!

• Rip, Atom and Steel manage to locate Tolkien in a battlefield trench. For some reason, Atom and Steel adopt very bad British accents when they address him. Back on the Waverider, Tolkien points out that their accents were horrendous, especially Steel's. He says, "I'll have you know I played Bert in my high school production of Mary Poppins!"

That's likely a jab at Dick Van Dyke, who played Bert the chimney sweep in Mary Poppins. The Cockney accent Van Dyke used in that film is widely regarded as one of the worst in movie history.

• When the Legends find Tolkien on the battlefield, he's suffering from typhoid fever. They take him on board the Waverider so Gideon can cure him. Tolkien seems to accept the existence of time travelers, spaceships and intelligent computers very, VERY easily! Not even a "'Ello, wot's all this then?"

You'd think a man from the 1910s would curl up in the fetal position when confronted by all the futuristic tech inside the Waverider.

• As you might expect in an episode featuring Tolkien, it contains tons of Lord Of The Rings references. Here are the ones I caught:
Rip: "The pieces of the Spear are calling to each other. They long to be whole."
(This of course echoes the One Ring in LOTR, which would "call" out to Sauron, and Gandalf's line, "It wants to be found.")

Rip: "Now that the Spear is whole, it will try and lure each of us to use it. It will draw on our weaknesses, our desires, our regrets. It will promise each of us that we can remake the world just as we want it."
(Again, this is almost verbatim how Gandalf describes the corruptive influence of the One Ring. Even a good person who used it would be overwhelmed by its power, and would start reshaping the world according to their rules, and wouldn't be able to stop)

Rip: (again describing the Spear) "Even when used with the best intentions, which is why I'd attempted to destroy it."
Heat Wave: "Well, maybe you didn't try hard enough."
(Heat Wave blasts the Spear with his flame thrower)
Rip: "No, no, no, no, no!"
Jackson: "Not on the ship, bro!"
Heat Wave: "You said destroy, so I destroyed."
Vixen: "It's not destroyed. It's not even charred."
(This scene plays out almost exactly like the Council Of Elrond. He tells everyone assembled there that the One Ring cannot be destroyed. Gimli the Dwarf attempts to chop it in half with his axe in front of the Council, but his blade bounces off the Ring and it isn't even harmed).

Vixen: "There's something written on it."
Rip: "That's odd. That wasn't there before. It must have been revealed by the flames."
(The One Ring featured an inscription that only showed up when it was placed in fire)

WWI Commander: (to Tolkien in the trenches) "On your feet with your weapon, you fool of a Tolkien!"
(In LOTR, Gandalf often uses Pippin's family name as an insult, calling him "Fool of a Took!")

Rip: "And I imagine that the view from the trenches is pretty bleak."
Tolkien: "It looks to me like the end of the world."
Rip: "But it's not. Believe me, this darkness will pass."
(This echoes descriptions of Mordor, and Gandalf's many motivational speeches)

Rip: (to Tolkien) "In short, my fellow travelers and I..."
Steel: "Fellowship, if you will."
Rip: "We're on a journey to destroy an object. One which would bring the bearer unimaginable power."
(Rip basically just described the entire plot of LOTR here)

Tolkien: "Apparently the spear will glow in the presence of divine blood."
Steel: "Yeah, and it also revealed the message when Mick lit it on fire."
Tolkien: "A secret only fire can tell. How marvelous."
(In LOTR, Elven swords glow when Orcs are near. And again, the Spear reveals an inscription when blasted with heat. The "secret only fire can tell" is lifted verbatim from LOTR)

Stein: (commenting on the plan to find the Blood Of Christ on a WWI battlefield) "But one cannot simply walk into the middle of a war zone."
(This is a paraphrasing of Boromir's famous line during the Council Of Elrond, in which he says, "One does not simply walk into Mordor.")

Rip: (addressing both sides of the war) "There may come a day when our courage fails us, when we forsake our friendships and break the bonds of fellowship, but today is not that day. And perhaps in showing our humanity We might just save it."
(This is very similar to Aragorn's "For Frodo" speech at the end of The Return Of The King film).

• Once the Legends find out that Heat Wave blabbed their plan to Captain Cold, I thought they were all a bit too quick to turn on him. They didn't even bother to listen when he tried to explain that he thought Cold was an hallucination. Of them all, Atom was the only one who realized they'd been complete dicks to him ever since he came on board. I feel like they kind of made their own bed here.

• Apparently John Barrowman was too busy farting around over on The Flash's musical episode to appear in this one, as he doesn't show up until the very last scene. Too bad, as that means we don't get to see the full Legion Of Doom membership until the final thirty seconds. Another reason not to like that musical episode.

• This week's best lines (there were a ton of 'em!):
Rip: (talking about a fragment of the Spear Of Destiny) "It's hard to imagine that, when joined with their siblings, they're as powerful as God."
Jackson: "But right now, that's just a useless piece of wood."
Canary: "It's not useless. I know ten different ways to kill somebody with this."
Heat Wave: "Not to mention, it's great for scratching in those hard-to-reach places."
Canary: "Please don't tell me you used the Spear of Destiny as a back scratcher."
Heat Wave: "Who said anything about my back?:

Stein: "Well, as Mr. Rory has demonstrated, in the wrong hands, this divine artifact can be put to truly horrific use."

Darhk: (to Thawne) "You sent me and Malcolm off to find the Kalabros Manuscript while the Legends managed to abscond with the Spear of Destiny. I should have that zombie speedster you're so afraid of eat your brain!"

Canary: (indicating Rip, Atom and Steel, who are all standing next to one another) "Amaya, take the Backstreet Boys, intercept Tolkien, find out what he knows, send him on his way."

(I think this was my favorite line of the episode, because the three guys, with their perfect hair, really did look like they were posing)

Heat Wave: (after seeing what he thinks is an hallucination of Captain Cold) "Stay on mission, now. Gotta find this hobbit guy."

Cold: "J.R.R. Tolkien, why? Hoping for an autograph?"

Heat Wave: "I don't even know who that guy is. All I know is I gotta find this hobbit guy who knows the guy who's buried with Jesus' blood. Then we can destroy the Spear of Destiny."

(I like this line because it perfectly illustrates the Silver Age comic book insanity of this series!)

Heat Wave: (again, to what he thinks is an hallucination of Cold) "You're a... you're an illumination."
Cold: "An hallucination."
Heat Wave: "That's it."

(Cold may be a criminal, but at least he has a bigger vocabulary than Heat Wave!)

Tolkien: "You abducted me from the middle of a battlefield to ask about an old myth? There is a war on, you fools!"

Tolkien: "Tell me, why do you seek the grave of Gawain?"
Rip: "Eh it's a long story."
Tolkien: "I enjoy long stories."
Steel: "Yeah, he does."

Heat Wave: "I saw Snart again."
Stein: "More likely, you took a nasty blow on the battlefield. Perhaps you're suffering some minor brain damage or, at least, more brain damage."
Heat Wave: "Snart did this!"

Stein: "I believe you!"
Heat Wave: "You do?"

Stein: "Of course not. I just don't want you to hurt me!"

Cold: (after the Legends find the tomb of Gawain) "Pretty pathetic, if you ask me."
Rip: "Mr. Snart?"

Heat Wave: "Wait, you can see him?"

Atom: "You're supposed to be dead."
Cold: "Yeah, they told me all about how I get soft and die for you losers. I didn't believe them."
Heat Wave: "Believe who?"

Darhk: "Well, if that's not an entrance line, I don't know what is!"

Heat Wave: (using his flame thrower on the WWI battlefield) "What is it with me and Nazis?" Steel: "Wrong World War, Mick! These are Huns, not Nazis!"

Heat Wave: "I don't care what you wanna call them, just take them out, now!"

Extended Edition

Last week the internet was abuzz when director Peter Jackson– sorry, make that Sir director Peter Jackson– would be directing an episode of Doctor Who next year.

Eh, I guess that's good news. I like Doctor Who, and I'm a big fan of Jackson's The Lord Of The Rings movies (The Hobbit films, not quite so much). But if I was the BBC I'd be a bit wary. 

The story he directs will start out as a two part episode, but halfway through filming Jackson and his writing partners Fran Walsh and Philippa Boyens will change their minds and expand it to four. This will result in massive rewrites of the script and extensive reshoots as the actors are called back (at great expense) to film additional scenes. He'll then fire Doctor Who actor Peter Capaldi and replace him with an all digital version, played by Andy Serkis in a motion capture suit.

Jackson will also commission a full-sized set of Arcadia City, the capitol of Gallifrey, the Doctor's home world. The enormous outdoor set will cost fifty million dollars to construct, and will be seen onscreen for a total of thirty seconds.

Jackson will then burst into the effects department at the last minute with an idea for the Doctor to ride atop a gigantic Gallifreyan war beast as he leads a charge against an army of Daleks, causing the budget to triple and the finished episode to be completed just minutes before airtime.

Fans also went ballistic when, during the announcement, they noticed a copy of Tolkien's The Silmarillion lying on Jackson's table, complete with certain chapters marked with tabs. Many are convinced this means Jackson's not finished with Middle-earth, and is making plans to film the book.

Eh... I wouldn't hold my breath. First of all, the Tolkien estate owns the film rights to The Silmarillion lock, stock and barrel. Supposedly they're not fans of Jackson's film adaptations, so it's extremely unlikely they'd sell him the rights.

Secondly, have you read The Silmarillion? Actually I should say have you TRIED to read The Silmarillion? Yikes. It makes War And Peace seem like light reading. It's not one epic story like The Lord Of The Rings or The Hobbit. It's a series of shorter tales encompassing the ancient history of Middle-earth. And it's filled with dozens and dozens of hard to pronounce (not to mention remember) names, plus epic stretches of verse. 

It's exactly like trying to read the Bible, but even less fun, if you can imagine such a thing.

Over Rated

Can you stand one final bit of Hobbit news before I stop talking about the subject forever? Well, too bad, I'm going to write about it anyway.

This week Warner Bros. announced the release date for their upcoming and inevitable blu ray Extended Edition of The Hobbit: The Battle Of The Five Armies.

The most interesting thing about this particular Extended Edition? Unlike all of the other Middle-earth releases that were rated PG-13, this one is rated R.

I'm assuming the rating is due to warfare and violence, and not a deleted scene featuring some of that steamy elf-on-dwarf action.

So let's see if I can wrap my head around this. Peter Jackson made a movie based on a children's book, that kids (theoretically) aren't allowed to see. Got it!

Commence explosion of Tolkien scholar heads in 3, 2, 1...

Wicked! Tricksy! False!

Saw this today in the local video store.

Despite what the title and font would desperately like you to believe, this DVD has absolutely nothing to do with Tolkien or the Battle Of Helm's Deep.

It's actually a docudrama about the Norman conquest of England in 1066. And in a further effort to cloud the matter, it's narrated by Bilbo Baggins himself, Ian Holm!

Nasty, filthy little DVD cover designers! They're wicked! Tricksy! False! We hates them forever!

Burglar Indeed!

So I'm snowed in today and I decide to sit back and re-watch Peter Jackson's epic but flawed The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey (the Extended Cut, featuring even more scenes that weren't in the book). I've seen it several times now of course, but this time I noticed something I hadn't seen before.

The film opens as old Bilbo (played by Ian Holm) is writing about his adventure with the dwarves and the dragon. 

He opens an old chest and begins rummaging around it it, reminiscing. If you look closely in the upper left corner of the chest, you'll see what appears to be a little carved wooden hedgehog. It looks almost like a chess piece.

A chess piece? Shaped like a hedgehog? I've seen that somewhere before, but where?

Ah. That's where. It's from the chess set in Beorn's house, in the next movie in the series, The Hobbit: The Desolation Of Smaug (or Smowg, as in rhymes with "ow," as everyone in the movie insists on pronouncing it). 

Jesus R.R. Christ! Bilbo must have taken his "burglar" title literally! He pocketed a souvenir from the house of a tightly wound, eight foot tall psychopath who seems like he could snap at any second, not to mention turn into a goddamned giant bear! 

How do I know he stole it and Beorn didn't just give it to him? Because Beorn can barely stand the sight of Thorin and Company and can't wait for them to leave. Why the hell would he start handing out parting gifts? Nope, Bilbo swiped it from him, plain and simple.

I guess he really did find his courage after all!

By the way... why the hell does Beorn have a chess set in the first place? He shuns all human contact and lives in a house with a bunch of animals. So who's he playing with? His cows? The mice that infest his home? Or does he make a move as a human and then turn into a bear, move to the other side of the table and make a counter move?

One Corp To Rule Them All

(Reuters) - This week international conglomerate Shire announced it has agreed to buy U.S. group NPS Pharmaceuticals Inc for $5.2 billion. This is the corporation's biggest acquisition to date as it seeks to strengthen its position in the field of conventional, non-Elven medicine.

The news comes on the heels of Shire's takeover of Buckland LLC and Bree Industries late last year. Shire beat out several other top firms vying for the company, including Moria Mining, Inc., The Rohan Group, Gondor Venture Capital and Rivendell R & D.

Shire CEO Bilbo Baggins could not be reached for comment. All calls to his office were met with a message consisting of "No thank you! We don't want any more reporters, industry insiders or distant shareholders!"

A spokesman for the company, one Gandalf T. White, Esq. (formerly Gandalf T. Grey), was scheduled to comment on the sale, but was reportedly late to the press conference. When White finally arrived, he furrowed his brow and stated in a raspy voice, "A spokesman is never late, nor is he early. He arrives precisely when he means to!" 

Baggins did attend a recent shareholder's meeting, in which he took the stage before the assembled guests and said, "My dear CEOs and CFOs, Presidents and Vice Presidents, Directors, Managers, Supervisors, Accountants, Shareholders and Reporters! I don't know half of your companies half as well as I should like, and I like less than half of your companies half as well as they deserve."

As the audience murmured in confusion and demanded answers, Baggins seemed distracted and confused as he mumbled, "I've put this off for far too long. I regret to announce... this is The End." Baggins then reportedly appeared to vanish into thin air, greatly startling everyone in attendance.

Witnesses say the crowd then rose to their feet and began to storm the stage. White, who was also in attendance, seemed to grow in stature as the auditorium darkened and shook, and he bellowed in a menacing voice, "Ash nazg durbatuluk, ash nazg gimbatul, ash nazg thrakatuluk agh burzum-ishi krimpatul!"

Despite the chaotic meeting, analysts predict the deal could boost Shire's earnings per share by at least twelve percent. Shares in Shire edged slightly lower in the opening trades on Monday, however, as many industry insiders believe Baggins to be "cracked."

Investors shouldn't celebrate under the Party Tree just yet, as rumors of Baggins' pending retirement refuse to die. Word on the street suggests he may soon hand over the reins to the corporation to his nephew Frodo Baggins, a move that could send shockwaves through the industry and send the stock plummeting.

There are more dark clouds on the horizon, in the form of competition. The recent merger between Mordor Holdings and Isengard Enterprises (MordorCorp) has resulted in a conglomeration that could be a powerful enemy for Shire.

Indeed, Smeagol, a spokesman for MordorCorp, released a statement saying, "Baggins! We hates it forever!"

It Came From The Cineplex: The Hobbit: The Battle Of The Five Armies

The Hobbit: The Battle Of The Five Armies was written by Peter Jackson, Fran Walsh, Philippa Boyens and Guillermo del Toro. It was directed by Peter Jackson.

At long, long, long last, we reach the end of our journey through Middle-earth. A journey that began thirteen years ago, way back in 2001. Love the films or hate them, you've got to admit that Peter Jackson has accomplished an impressive feat with these six films. I don't think any other director has ever spent so much effort, money and years of his life filming the works of a single author.

Savor this last trip through Middle-earth though, because this is it— there're no more stories to adapt. There's The Silmarillion of course, but it's unlikely it'll ever become a film series. It's more like the Bible than Lord Of The Rings, as it's a series of separate tales without any overall narrative. It would be extremely difficult to adapt it into a movie. 

It's a moot point anyway, as the Tolkien estate owns The Silmarillion lock, stock and barrel and won't part with it anytime soon, as they reportedly don't care for Jackson's adaptations.

This is the shortest of the three Hobbit films, clocking in at a lean (for Peter Jackson) 144 minutes. Terabytes have already been written (much of it by me!) about how The Hobbit should never have been turned into three films, so I won't flog that dead horse any further. 

I will say that despite the fact that the story's been spread out over 474 minutes (almost eight hours) of screen time, there's still a ton of stuff that's left out at the end. Not only do events in the book not get proper closure, but neither do incidents Jackson invented from whole cloth himself. Puzzling, to say the least.

SPOILERS FOR A 77 YEAR OLD STORY!

The Plot:

Picking up right where the last film left off, Smaug the dragon flies to Laketown to destroy it because... um, why is he doing it again? Oh yeah, because the men of Laketown gave aid and comfort to his enemy Thorin Oakenshield.

Anyway, Smaug proceeds to firebomb Laketown, which is kind of ironic, since they, you know, live on the water. Bard the bowman breaks out of prison and uses his super secret Black Arrow to shoot Smaug in the heart, killing him. He falls onto the fleeing Master Of Laketown, which kills him. Roll opening credits.

Bard then leads the Laketown survivors to the ruins of Dale, which lies outside the Dwarvish city of Erabor. Inside the city, Thorin searches through the vast treasure for the Arkenstone, the glowing jewel that bestows kingship on its owner, or something. The other dwarves are afraid that the treasure is cursed with "dragon sickness," which is starting to drive Thorin a little nutty. Bilbo secretly took the Arkenstone during his encounter with Smaug, and decides to hide it. Thorin orders the entrance to Erabor sealed.

Meanwhile, Galadriel, Elrond, Radagast and Saruman enter Dol Guldur to rescue Gandalf. They're attacked by Sauron and the Nine (who will eventually become the Ringwraiths in The Lord Of The Rings). Galadriel hulks out and drives Sauron away with her awesome powers. Gandalf heads for Erabor to warn the dwarves of the approaching orc army. If only these guys could text one another! Think how much easier their lives would be.

King Thranduil and his elvish army arrive at Erabor and team up with the men of Dale. That's two armies. Thranduil is after certain elvish gems from the dragon horde, while Bard wants the gold that was promised to the citizens of Laketown. Given that Thorin is currently sitting on several billion cubic feet of gold coins, their requests don't seem out of the question. Unfortunately Thorin refuses to part with any of it. Just then his cousin Dain Ironfoot arrives with a battalion of dwarves. That makes three armies.

Just as the three groups are about to fight, the orcs attack. That makes four armies. It's never quite clear what the fifth army is. The bats? The eagles? Who knows? Hundreds of thousands of cgi soldiers then begin fighting one another in front of Erabor. 

Thorin eventually overcomes his dragon sickness and joins the fray. An hour or so later the battle ends as Azog kills Fili, while Kili is killed protecting Tauriel. Thorin kills Azog, but not before being mortally wounded.

There's still lots of questions to be answered, but apparently they're none of our concern as Bilbo heads back to the Shire and the movie abruptly (for Peter Jackson) ends. Cue the Billy Boyd song.

Thoughts:

• After all the buildup Smaug received in the previous two films, he's dispatched very quickly here. Almost anticlimactically, in fact. He's dead before the title screen appears!

It seems like an odd way to start a film– with what should have been the end of the previous one– but there really wasn't any choice. Based on where Jackson ended the second movie, there was no other way to begin than to kill Smaug in the opening minutes.

Blame Tolkien for this one though, more than Jackson. The book is structured the same way. The dragon is killed, which is the whole point of the book, but then the story goes on for another fifty or sixty pages.

• All through the second film we're beaten about the head with the fact that normal arrows can't pierce Smaug's armored hide. The only thing that can kill him is a Black Arrow. Despite this, Bard climbs a tower and spends a good deal of screen time shooting normal arrows that bounce futilely off Smaug's scales.

Bard knows regular arrows won't hurt Smaug, so why's he bothering? Is he trying it because he feels like he has to do something, even if it's futile? Or more likely, are they showing that normal arrows are useless for the benefit of audiences that didn't see the previous film? I'm guessing the latter.

• I was under the impression the Black Arrow had to be fired from the massive four-pronged windlance crossbow we saw in the previous film. Here Bard fires it from a normal bow. A broken normal bow, to be exact. So I guess it doesn't matter what the arrow's fired from after all?

Also, the black arrow is a good five feet long, and appears to be forged from iron. It's gotta be pretty heavy. It seems unlikely that any normal bow would be able to fire it more than a few feet.

• That elvish medicine is downright miraculous! In the previous film, Kili the Dwarf was only minutes from death after being shot with an orcish arrow. Tauriel treated him in the nick of time, bathing his wound with boiled athelas as she spoke a few elvish incantations over him.

Suddenly in this film he's up and around like nothing ever happened. Note that this movie picks up exactly where the previous one left off, meaning Kili recovered in the space of about five minutes. As I said, miraculous!

• Peter Jackson made a cameo in every previous Middle-earth film, but I couldn't spot him in this one to save my life. I'm sure he's in there somewhere though. Surely he wouldn't give up the chance for one final appearance?

UPDATE: After seeing the film three times (once in the theater and twice on home video), I still couldn't find Jackson anywhere, so I looked to the internet for help. Turns out Jackson is in the film after all. Eh, sort of.

At the end of the movie, Bilbo returns to Bag End and is dismayed to see all his possessions being auctioned off, as he was apparently presumed dead. Once he runs everyone off, he wanders through his ransacked home. He stops to straighten paintings of a man and woman above the mantle. 

The people are most likely supposed to be his parents, but in reality they're Peter Jackson (sans beard and glasses) and his wife Fran Walsh.

I did see his daughter Katie as a Laketown resident. She's had a cameo in every film as well.

There's also an extra in Laketown who looks amazingly like Bryan Cranston. Google was no help confirming if it's him or not. I kind of doubt if it is, but man, it sure looks like him (sorry, that's the best photo I can find for now).

• Whose film is this anyway? It's supposed to be Bilbo's, right? After all, his name is in the title (well, sort of). Oddly enough he practically sits out this last movie. 

The whole point of the story is seeing the meek and contented Bilbo leave his comfortable little world and to go on a dangerous adventure and find his courage. One would think that would happen in the final installment of the trilogy, right? Unfortunately he completed his little hero's journey way back at the end of the first film, when he attacked Azog the Defiler in order to save Thorin. 

That was a big misfire, in my opinion. That action effectively wrapped up Bilbo's storyline prematurely, giving him very little to do in this final film. He's been reduced to bystander or observer in his own movie. The focus is unquestionably on Thorin this time. They might as well have called it The Dwarf.

• In the book, the thirteen dwarves are little more than ciphers and are practically indistinguishable from one another. The only appreciable difference between them is the color of their beards and hoods. With the exception of Thorin and maybe Bombur, the rest of them have little or no personality.

Peter Jackson did a terrific job of making each dwarf an individual. He gave each one a very distinct look and unique characteristics, and made it easy to tell them all apart. In the first film, that is.

In the second film, a few of them are allowed to shine, while the majority are shoved into the background.

By the time this last film rolls around, almost all of them have been reduced to nothing more than glorified extras. Half of them don't even get a chance to speak. They've gone from fully realized characters back to the interchangeable blanks of the book.

• Inside Erabor, Thorin accuses Bilbo of secretly possessing the Arkenstone. He asks Bilbo what he's hiding in his hand, and he shows him that it's an acorn from Rivendell. Bilbo plans to plant it in his garden if he ever makes it back to the Shire.

It's never really stated, but this acorn is probably the one that grows into the Party Tree, site of Bilbo's birthday party in The Fellowship Of The Ring.

• Gandalf's rescue at Dol Guldur was pretty darned cool, even if it wasn't in the book. I especially liked seeing Saruman battling the Nine as he blasted them and protected himself with his own personal force field.

Galadriel going ballistic on Sauron was also pretty awesome. She's not an elf to be messed with!

One thing about Saruman's powers though. In The Fellowship Of The Ring, Gandalf and Saruman have an epic wizard battle. They wave their staffs around, knocking each other off their feet and pinning one another against walls. At no time do sparks, rays or anything else come out of the magic staffs.

Peter Jackson was adamant about this, saying he didn't want to see cliched red or blue rays emanating from the wizard staffs.

He must have changed his mind about this or forgot he said it, because Saruman appears to be shooting all kinds of energy out of his staff in this film.

• Legolas and Tauriel travel to the orcish stronghold of Gundabad to scope out the situation. Once there, they see an army of Angmar orcs preparing to attack Erabor. 

A couple things here. First of all, if you want to get all Tolkien-nerd about it, Gundabad is about 350 to 400 miles from Erabor. Legolas and Tauriel make the trip there in what seems like an hour. Maybe they know an elvish shortcut.

Secondly, there was absolutely no reason whatsoever for this scene to be in the film, other than it was Peter Jackson's last chance to include the admittedly awesome-looking fortress at Gundabad.

• As the men of Dale and Thranduil's elves are about to attack Erabor, Thorin's cousin Dain Ironfoot arrives with an army of dwarves.

I really liked Dain (played by Billy Connolly) and his awesome battle boar. Too bad he wasn't in the film more. It could have used a bit more comedy from him.

• Just as the men, elves and dwarves are about to attack one another, several sandworms, er, I mean Were-Worms burst out of the nearby mountains. An army of orcs then pour from the tunnels dug by these worms.

I wracked my brain, but couldn't remember any mention of giant Were-Worms in the book. 

Turns out they're in there after all! Well, sort of. Near the beginning of the book, Bilbo says to Thorin, "Tell me what you want done, and I will try it, if I have to walk from here to the East of East and fight the wild Were-Worms in the Last Desert."

It's a good bet that these were legendary creatures and Bilbo was just referencing them for emphasis (like unicorns in our world). Apparently Jackson took the statement literally and included them in the film. 

I admit they were cool, but they don't make a lot of sense. Why use them just to bore tunnels? Why not use them as weapons? Three or four of them could have wiped out the opposing armies in minutes. And where'd they go once they dug the tunnels? Did they squish themselves to the side so the orcs could run past?

• In the book the five armies were men, dwarves and elves against orcs and wargs.

The wargs make such a fleeting appearance in this film that they shouldn't even be counted. So who was the fifth army? The second band of orcs? Or was it the eagles (the birds, not the band)?

• Another major departure from the book: the scale of the battle. In the book the five armies total around six thousand soldiers. Here it's hundreds and hundreds of thousands, as Peter Jackson seems determined to top the Battle Of Pelenor Fields from The Return Of The King.

The battle also took up about five or six pages in the book. Here it goes on for over an hour of screen time. It pretty much had to though, since by the time this film rolled around there was very little story left to tell.

• During the battle, a frantic Bard runs though the ruins of Dale looking for his children. A woman runs past and says she saw them on Stone Street.

I'm pretty sure this was an in-joke, as most of the film was shot at Stone Street Studios in Wellington.

• As he did in previous films, Legolas is full of more amazing signature moves, defying the laws of physics as he runs up a crumbling wall of debris. If seeing Legolas skate down the trunk of a dead oliphant bothered you in The Return Of The King, then you're gonna have a bad time during this movie.

• Bilbo's sword Sting is supposed to glow a bright blue whenever orcs are around. I only saw it glowing in one brief scene. Given the sheer number of orcs in the battle, you'd think it would be glowing white hot.

• In the first film, Bilbo and the dwarves were captured by three trolls named Tom, Bert and William. Bilbo outsmarts them by delaying them long enough for the sun to rise, which turns them all to stone.

There are quite a few trolls participating in the battle here, and none of them seem adversely affected by the sun. Tom & Co. were stone trolls— are they the only strain that turns to stone under UV rays?

• I'm very surprised that Tauriel survived this film. She was invented out of whole cloth just for these movies and she's never referenced in The Lord Of The Rings (how could she be, since those films premiered before she was created?) so I was sure she'd end up dying here.

Despite the fact that her ill-fated romance with Kili the dwarf wasn't found anywhere in the book, I thought it was pretty well done.

• At the end of the film, King Thranduil tells his son Legolas to head north and look up a "promising young Ranger" called Strider. A couple things here.

First of all, this little scene was so blatant that the two elves might as well have turned to the camera and given the audience exaggerated winks.

Secondly, many fans have pointed out that this is a major error, since Strider, aka Aragorn, would be about ten years old at the time this story takes place.

Eh... yes and no, depending on how you look at it. 

In the books, about seventy seven years pass between The Hobbit and The Lord Of The Rings. When Bilbo leaves his ring to Frodo, Gandalf suspects it may be the One Ring. He tells Frodo to keep it secret, keep it safe, and then heads off into the wilderness to find out if it's Sauron's ring or not. This seemingly simple task apparently takes him a whopping seventeen years, because as much as I like Tolkien, he couldn't write fast-paced suspense to save his life.

Peter Jackson chose to ignore the seventeen year gap and compress the timeline. In the films, Gandalf tells Frodo to keep the ring safe, rides to Minas Tirith and spends a couple of days in the library, then comes back and tosses the ring into the fire to test it.

So if you follow the book's timeline, then yes, Aragorn would be about ten. If you follow the movie chronology, which I suppose we should do here, since we're talking about the movie, he'd be twenty seven. So it's not really an error. From a certain point of view.

By the way, Aragorn is eighty seven years old during The Lord Of The Rings. He doesn't look a day over forty though, because he's descended from the Numenoreans, a strain of men who were blessed with long lives.

• In the first film they made a big deal out of the fact that Bifur the dwarf had an orcish axe permanently stuck in his head. This scrambled his brains, making him able to speak only in Khuzdul, the secret language of the dwarves.

It's never mentioned in the film, but supposedly Bifur was constantly on the lookout for the orc who wounded him. I predicted he'd meet up with this orc in the final film and pull the axe out of his head or something and kill him with it. I was disappointed when this didn't come to pass.

Or did it? At the end of the film when Bilbo's saying his goodbyes to the dwarves, we see Bifur in the background (of course) and the axe is no longer in his head. Did my prediction come true after all, just offscreen?

Expect to see this scene in the inevitable Extended Edition.

• Many viewers complained about the numerous, prolonged endings in The Return Of The King. The multiple endings didn't bother me; after all when you've just sat through a nine hour long story, you need a proper amount of closure. Jackson apparently took these criticisms to heart though, and wrapped up this film pretty quickly. Too quickly, if you ask me.

I can't believe I'm saying this about a bloated trilogy that lasts almost eight hours, but... it's not quite long enough. As crazy as it sounds, it needed to be a bit longer. Jackson skipped over quite a few very important endings that really needed to be dealt with. Thorin's burial, for example. In the book he's buried with the elvish sword Orcrist and the Arkenstone. Seeing him put to rest, and seeing the fate of the Arkenstone, which caused so much tsuris throughout the trilogy, seems pretty important.

After Thorin's death, his cousin Dain Ironfoot was crowned King Under The Mountain. Bard also became king of Dale. And Laketown was rebuilt. Those seem like pretty important scenes as well.

Was the gold all distributed? Did Thranduil get his elvish jewels back? What happened to Tauriel?

Apparently none of those things are any of our concern, as the film suddenly remembers its title and becomes all about Bilbo again.

I'm hopeful that all these dangling plot threads will be dealt with in the Extended Edition, but they really should have been included here.

The Hobbit: The Battle Of The Five Armies is a reasonably satisfactory ending to a very long journey, that amazingly manages to leave out some important scenes. I give it a B+.