Indiana Jones And The Dubious Co-Star

This week in Things No One Wanted Nor Asked For, Disney announced they're moving forward with an as-yet untitled fifth Indiana Jones movie. As if that wasn't bad enough, they revealed they've cast British actress Phoebe Waller-Bridge to appear alongside series star Harrison Ford.

If you'll recall, Waller-Bridge starred in Solo: A Star Wars Story as L3-37, the delightfully arrogant and amusingly smug droid that captured the hearts and souls of the nation. I'm sorry, that should read the asshole character that everyone hated and cheered when she died.

So that should be fun! I can't wait for this sequel, so I can see Waller-Bridge's character constantly outdo the rapidly aging Indiana Jones as she continuously points out his antiquated attitudes and toxic masculinity. Delectable!

Please, Disney, I'm begging you— for the love of God end this franchise now, before you taint it even more than Crystal Skull did. 

Happy Birthday Roy Batty!

If you haven't already heard, Roy Batty, Nexus-6 replicant, was born today. Born, constructed, decanted-- whatever the hell you call it when a replicant is created.

Mr. Batty is a highly intelligent replicant, skilled at combat with both a Physical and Mental Level of A. A combat model, Batty will most likely spend his short four year life span in off world military service. 

So, congratulations, Roy! It won't be long before you'll be witnessing those attack ships on fire off the shoulder of Orion, while you watch C-beams glittering in the dark near the Tannhauser gate. Hope your birthday's a good one. Here's hoping it won't be lost like "tears in the rain!"

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

There's no denying that Blade Runner is one of the better sci-fi films of the past 30 years, but man, has any other major sci-fi film ever been so off in its predictions about the future?

The movie was made in 1982, but takes place in the far-off year of 2019. I don't know what the hell the producers were thinking, but even thirty seven years was far too short a time for all the advances in the movie to come to pass. According to the film, in just three short years we'll have: • Replicants:  Artificially created organic beings that are almost indistinguishable from real humans. To make matters even worse, Roy Batty is a Nexus-6 model, which implies there've been 5 previous versions in the series. Looks like you've got your work cut out for you, science! • Animoids: By 2019 many of the world's animal species will be extinct or ownership will be outlawed, so we'll have organic or robotic replicas, which, like replicants, are indistinguishable from the real thing. • Flying cars: The dream of every rush hour commuter is sadly still decades away, if it ever happens at all. The bigger question is SHOULD it ever happen? We can't even keep from crashing our cars into each other here on the ground; imagine the collateral damage that would occur from a mid-air auto crash. • Offworld Colonies: This is the biggest blunder in the entire film. In the movie there are numerous ads urging the populace to start their lives over on the offworld colonies. We couldn't even get to the moon today if we had to, much less set up a self-sufficient colony on a planet in another solar system. I doubt this could happen in the next hundred years, much less three. And those are just off the top of my head. I'm sure if I sat down and watched the film again there'd be even more impossibilities. Would it have killed them to have set the movie in 2119?

Never Tell Me The Odds

This week actor Harrison Ford was injured after crash-landing his WWII-era plane onto a Los Angeles golf course.

The seventy two year old Ford suffered multiple gashes to his head, as well as a broken pelvis and ankle. Though extensive, his injuries are not considered life-threatening, and he's expected to make a full recovery.

That's good, because This I Vow: If we lose both Mr. Spock and Han Solo in the same freakin' week, I'm going to track down this "God" person and kick his ass.

Late To The Party: Nitpicking Indiana Jones And The Last Crusade

Last weekend I re-watched Indiana Jones And The Last Crusade for the twentieth (at least) time. I've always considered it almost as good as the first film, and definitely better than the second. What's that? How's it compare to the fourth film, you ask? I'm afraid I don't know what you're talking about. There are only three Indiana Jones movies.

Anyhow, something occurred to me while it watching it this time, nearly a quarter century (!) after if premiered. At the end of the film, Indy's finally found the resting place of the Holy Grail, but in order to grab it he has to make it safely through three trials. 

Let's examine these trials in obsessively over-critical detail, shall we?

Presumably these trials are there to protect the Grail so no one breaks in and walks off with it. They require an above average knowledge of Christianity, archeology and religious lore in order to pass them. Otherwise they wouldn't be very good trials, right?

I'm calling the first trial Only The Penitent Man Shall Pass. This one seems pretty simple, as it consists of just a narrow, spider web-choked corridor. Indy's Nazi enemies force several grunts through the passage, without much success. They're all decapitated by an unseen force.

Indy, being a biblical scholar, correctly surmises that "Penitent Man" means he has to kneel before God. He does so, and a spinning blade just misses him as it sails over his bowed head. Only Indy, with his fancy book learnin' could have made it through. Got that?

The second trial's Only In The Footsteps Of God Shall He Proceed. This one consists of a small room with a floor covered in lettered tiles. Indy deduces he has to cross the chamber by stepping only on the tiles that spell out "Jehovah," the name of God. If he steps on any other tiles, they'll collapse and he'll plunge to his death thousands of feet below.

Because of Indy's superior religious smarts, he knows that in Latin, Jehovah is spelled "IEHOVAH" and successfully takes the right path, passing the second trial. Again, Indy's specialized knowledge saves him, as, let's face it, Latin ain't something the average person knows.

Then we get to the third trial, Only In The Leap From The Lion's Head Will He Prove His Worth. It consists of a ledge on one side of an impossible-to-jump bottomless abyss. Indy appears stumped here, as there's seemingly no way to cross.

Eventually he realizes that this trial is a leap of faith. He summons his courage and steps off the ledge...

...and lands on a stone bridge that's camouflaged to look invisible.

Visually it's a very cool scene, but... c'mon! ANYONE could have passed this trial! The first two required very specific knowledge about biblical lore and Christianity in order to pass them. Few people would have had the knowhow to make it through. I definitely wouldn't have made it, and neither would you. 

This one didn't require any special smarts. It's a stinking stone bridge! Any lummox could have blundered their way across it. It's not like it could disappear if it sensed your faith was lacking. 

I feel like the Grail Knights who made the three trials kind of dropped the ball with this last one. Maybe they figured the first two would take care of any intruders and they kind of coasted on this last one.

Also, since the bridge is painted to blend in with the background, it would only work from one specific angle. If Indy had moved his head even an inch either way, he'd have been able to see there was something there. As I said it definitely looks cool, but there's no way it could work in reality. Parallax shift and all that.

Once Indy makes it to the other side, he throws a handful of sand onto the bridge so that it'll become visible to the group following him. Um... that bridge has already been there since the Crusades. Wouldn't it already be covered in a foot of dust? Or does the Grail Knight come out of his cave and dust it now and then?

"You have blogged... most unwisely."