Burn, Baby, Burn

When Donald John Trump is sworn in tomorrow as th elolk[wf@∞∞¡e mfwª•–dolloc...

I'm sorry, I lost all control of my fingers there for a second. Let me take a big swig from my flask and try that again.

When Donald John Trump is sworn in tomorrow as the forty fifth President of the United States, he'll take the Oath Of Office by placing his hand on the Lincoln Inaugural Bible. The very same bible Abraham Lincoln used in his inauguration back on March 4, 1861.

The Lincoln Bible has only been used two other times— when President Obama was inaugurated in 2009 and 2013.

The burgundy, gilt-edged bible is part of the Library Of Congress' collection, and is a priceless artifact of historical significance.

Sadly, when Trump places his tiny, clawed hand on the irreplaceable heirloom, it's expected to instantly burst into flame and be reduced to ash in a matter of seconds.

Booze, Glorious Booze!

Saw this story today on the interwebs. Apparently the liquor stores in my hometown of Evansville are gearing up for their biggest day of the year. 

That makes perfect sense, as... wait a minute... oh... I see. It's just a story about New Year's Eve. I thought they were talking about January 20th, which will surely see a spike in liquor sales.