There Is No God...

Last week it was reported that Mexican Coke may be an endangered species.

Mexican Coke of course uses pure cane sugar instead of the devil's pus known as high fructose corn syrup, and tastes much better than the American version.

I have to admit that the first time I tried Mexican Coke I couldn't tell any difference. But I kept on trying it and then one day drank an American Coke and nearly spit it across the room. Though subtle, there definitely was a difference, once which I noticed by its absence if that makes any sense.

In short, it is my considered opinion that Mexican Coke and Mexican Pepsi are much better than their American counterparts.

All that may be coming to an end though. On October 31st, Mexico's congress passed a steep sales tax on all soft drinks. This may force Mexican bottlers to save money by using fructose, which is much cheaper than sugar.

To quote one Mr. Darth Vader: "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

As usual, every time I find something that makes me happy the Universe takes notice and does everything in its power to crush that happiness. This is why we can't have nice things.

To confuse things even more, in 2010 researchers at the University of Southern California's Keck School Of Medicine tested Mexican Coke and found it contained no traces of sugar. So now I don't know what the hell's going on. Does it have sugar or doesn't it? And if it doesn't, why are they talking about replacing it? 

I need to go lie down in a dark room. I'm getting one of my sick headaches.

Tales From The Grocery: Mexican Coke

A year ago I got a second job as a cashier at a grocery store in order to pay off some bills. It was a miserable, humiliating and demoralizing experience in every measurable sense, and I got the hell out of there as soon as my bills were paid. I feel genuinely sorry for anyone who has to work in such a place.

Here is a terrifying Tale From The Grocery. Please note that all Tales are 100% true.

A woman came through my checkout line and bought four bottles of Mexican Coke. As you're no doubt aware, American Coke products all contain the dreaded high fructose corn syrup, while Mexican Coke still contains good old fashioned cane sugar. Many people say they can tell the difference and that the Mexican version tastes far superior.

As I rang up her items I decided to go against my better judgement and speak to her. I said “Gonna try the Mexican Coke, eh?” Instead of saying something like, “Yes, I thought I’d see what all the fuss was about,” she said in a quavering, worried voice, “D-do you think they’re OK to drink? I know you’re not supposed to drink their water down there, b-but do you think their Cokes are all right? Do you think they might make me have diarrhea?”

Sigh... That’s what I get for trying to make small talk with customers.