Tales From The Grocery: English Is Hard Edition!

A couple of years ago I got a second job as a cashier at a grocery store in order to pay off some bills. It was a miserable, humiliating and demoralizing experience in every measurable sense, and I got the hell out of there as soon as my bills were paid. I feel genuinely sorry for anyone who has to work in such a place.

Here's a special English Is Hard edition of Tales From The Grocery. All Tales are 100% true.

One day a co-worker was talking about tough times and said, “Yep, it’s a doggy dog world.” 

Dear lord, someone actually thinks that’s the way that saying goes. They obviously know what the phrase means, as they used it appropriately, but “doggy dog” doesn’t make a lick of sense.

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Another day a customer was in my line complaining about how there were so many "lazy people" on public assistance and said, “People these days just don’t have a strong work ethnic.”

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I overheard a couple of male customers chatting. One of the men said, “You got a twin brother? My sister and I are identical twins too.”

Tales From The Grocery: Google

A few years ago I got a second job as a cashier at a grocery store in order to pay off some bills. It was a miserable, humiliating and demoralizing experience in every measurable sense, and I got the hell out of there as soon as my bills were paid. I feel genuinely sorry for anyone who has to work in such a place.

Here is a terrifying Tale From The Grocery. Please note that all Tales are 100% true.

One night a guy came into the store and very deliberately walked all the way across the front end to my register. He stopped and asked me if I knew the address of the local mission shelter. When I said I was sorry that I didn’t know, he said, “OK. I just thought I’d ask someone before I tried to Google it.” Then he spun on his heel and walked back out.

People are flippin' weird.

Tales From The Grocery: The T-Shirt

A few years ago I got a second job as a cashier at a grocery store in order to pay off some bills. It was a miserable, humiliating and demoralizing experience in every measurable sense, and I got the hell out of there as soon as my bills were paid. I feel genuinely sorry for anyone who has to work in such a place.

Here is a terrifying Tale From The Grocery. Please note that all Tales are 100% true.

One fine evening a gentleman came through my line wearing a t-shirt that read, in huge print, “F*CK YOU, YOU F*CKING F*CKERS!”

Stay classy, humanity.

We’re very near the end of civilization.

Tales From The Grocery: The Minor

A few years ago I got a second job as a cashier at a grocery store in order to pay off some bills. It was a miserable, humiliating and demoralizing experience in every measurable sense, and I got the hell out of there as soon as my bills were paid. I feel genuinely sorry for anyone who has to work in such a place.

Here is a terrifying Tale From The Grocery. Please note that all Tales are 100% true.

One day I saw the store’s undercover cop confront two male customers-- one older and one younger-- who were buying beer. He said he’d been watching them and saw that the younger of the two had paid the older one to buy beer for him. He didn’t arrest them, but he gave them a warning and told them to beat it.

One of the teen cashiers saw the commotion and asked me what was going on. I said the cop threw the guys out because the older one was buying beer for a minor. He looked shocked and said, “That’s illegal?”

Wow. Like so many of the things that happen at that store, I didn’t know how to respond to that.

Tales From The Grocery: Spray Butter

A while back I got a second job as a cashier at a grocery store in order to pay off some bills. It was a miserable, humiliating and demoralizing experience in every measurable sense, and I got the hell out of there as soon as the bills were paid. I feel genuinely sorry for anyone who has to work in such a place. 

Here is another terrifying Tale From The Grocery. All Tales are 100% true.

The store in which I worked was positively lousy with shoplifters. Someone was arrested there virtually every day I worked.

One day I came in and saw a swarm of police detaining yet another sticky-fingered perp. One of the officers was holding the item the thief had allegedly stolen. So what was it? Beer? Steaks? Batteries? Porn mags?

Nope. He stole spray butter. Yeah, I said spray butter.

You know, I could almost understand it if the guy had stolen medicine or baby formula. Something his infant child urgently needed. I wouldn't agree with his methods, but I could sympathize with his desperation. 

But spray butter? That's worth the risk of jail time? 

I guess his baked potato was just too damned dry and it needed buttered pronto whether he had the money or not.

Tales From The Grocery: The Two Dollar Bill

A year ago I got a second job as a cashier at a grocery store in order to pay off some bills. It was a miserable, humiliating and demoralizing experience in every measurable sense, and I got the hell out of there as soon as my bills were paid. I feel genuinely sorry for anyone who has to work in such a place.

Here is another terrifying Tale From The Grocery. All Tales are 100% true.

I was busily ringing up a customer when I noticed the 18 year old cashier next to me desperately trying to get my attention. When I looked over at her she was all distraught, upset that the customer in her line had handed her a fresh, crisp $2 bill.

"Yeah," I said. "What about it?

She whispered to me that it was obviously a fake bill because it said $2. She thought it was some kind of scam and that the customer had printed it at home (!).

I suddenly realized that this high school student, whom the store was trusting to run a cash register, had never in her young life encountered a $2 bill.

Also, she apparently believed that by whispering, the customer who was standing two feet away couldn't hear this exchange.

I did everything in my power to assure her that $2 bills, while rare, are indeed real and have been around for many years. She wouldn't believe me and said she'd be fired if she took "fake money."

She was becoming more agitated by the minute, so I finally popped open my cash drawer, grabbed two $1 bills from my register and exchanged them for her $2 bill, which finally calmed her down. Cheezus. 

God forbid anyone ever gave her a $50! She'd probably taser them on the spot. 

It's the American Educational System at work, ladies and gentlemen!

Tales From The Grocery: I.D.

A year ago I got a second job as a cashier at a grocery store in order to pay off some bills. It was a miserable, humiliating and demoralizing experience in every measurable sense, and I got the hell out of there as soon as my bills were paid. I feel genuinely sorry for anyone who has to work in such a place. 

Here is another terrifying Tale From The Grocery. All Tales are 100% true.

Today an older woman came through my checkout line and wrote a check. When I asked for her driver’s license she handed it over to me and I noticed it had expired a full THREE years ago. When I pointed this out to her and said that I couldn’t accept it as a valid I.D. she became predictably enraged and screeched, “I got a new one three months ago, but it’s at home! I just haven’t had time to put it in my wallet yet!”

Yeah, you really need to set aside an entire day for a project like that.

Tales From The Grocery: The Smoker

A year ago I got a second job as a cashier at a grocery store in order to pay off some bills. It was a miserable, humiliating and demoralizing experience in every measurable sense, and I got the hell out of there as soon as my bills were paid. I feel genuinely sorry for anyone who has to work in such a place.

Enjoy this terrifying Tale From The Grocery. All Tales are 100% true. 

One night a man came through my checkout line with a LIT cigarette dangling from his mouth! What the hell, did he just come from 1985? You haven't been allowed to smoke inside a public building in decades.

He acted like he was already half drunk and was buying more mind-numbing booze, so he may not have even realized he was inside.

When I told him-- in between coughs-- that he had to put out his coffin nail, he yanked it out of his mouth and made a pitiful attempt to hide it behind his back. Wow, where'd your cigarette go, David Copperfield? I rang him up as quickly as I could to get him the hell out of the store and my life.

Tales From The Grocery: Some Days You Just Can't Get Rid Of A Bomb!

A year ago I got a second job as a cashier at a grocery store in order to pay off some bills. It was a miserable, humiliating and demoralizing experience in every measurable sense, and I got the hell out of there as soon as my bills were paid. I feel genuinely sorry for anyone who has to work in such a place.

Here's another terrifying Tale From The Grocery. All Tales are 100% true. Enjoy.

One day someone dumped a big box on top of the trash can just outside the front door of the store. The strange woman who worked at the Service Desk asked me to go and see what was in it. I went out and looked and saw that the box was full of old classical records. Not CDs, but old school 33 1/3 record albums.

Admittedly that was a little odd. However the Service Desk woman warned me not to touch the box because it might be some kind of bomb.

Sigh... the terrorists don't even have to do anything anymore to win.

Tales From The Grocery: The Evil Eye

A year ago I got a second job as a cashier at a grocery store in order to pay off some bills. It was a miserable, humiliating and demoralizing experience in every measurable sense, and I got the hell out of there as soon as my bills were paid. I feel genuinely sorry for anyone who has to work in such a place.

Here is another terrifying Tale From The Grocery. All Tales are 100% true.

To paraphrase Batman, "Customers are a superstitious and cowardly lot." One night a lady came through my checkout line and her total was $6.66. She took one look at the register and said, “Oh, hell no!” and bought a candy bar in order to up the total to a less “evil” amount.

I was surprised she didn’t spit through her fingers three times to ward off the evil eye.

Tales From The Grocery: Math Is Hard!

A year ago I got a second job as a cashier at a grocery store in order to pay off some bills. It was a miserable, humiliating and demoralizing experience in every measurable sense, and I got the hell out of there as soon as my bills were paid. I feel genuinely sorry for anyone who has to work in such a place.

Here's a special Math Is Hard edition of Tales From The Grocery. All Tales are 100% true. Enjoy.

• A lady came through my checkout line and was buying four 6-Packs of Pepsi. She stared very intently at the register screen as I rang them up. Suddenly she screeched, “Those are supposed to be 4 for $10!” I looked at the screen and each 6-Pack was ringing up at $2.50. I said “They are.” Again she bellowed, “They’re supposed to be 4 for $10! I want them for $10! I'm not leaving until I get them for $10! I want to speak to a manager!”

For a second I considered just pushing one of the non-functioning buttons on the register, making a "boop" noise with my mouth and saying, "There! It's all fixed!"

In the end though I sighed hard and explained to her that as a general rule, four times $2.50 works out to $10.

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• One day the store had a sale on select candy bars, five for $2. A woman came up to my register and asked me how much just one would cost. This was a grown-ass woman who drove a car and had a job and she asked me this. I sighed again, expelling the last tattered remains of my soul from the hollow husk of my body and told her 40¢.

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• One week the store was running a special in which buying ten select items would take $5 off your bill. The register was programmed to automatically take the $5 off; I didn't have to remember to do so.

A lady came through my line with a cart load of groceries. After I rang them all up she said, "I bought the ten items, did I get the $5 off? I want that $5 off." I looked at the register screen and it said "minus $10." I said, "Nope, you got $10 off. You must have bought some extras of the sale items."

She started getting indignant, as today's Entitled American tends to do and said, "I'm supposed to get $5 off! I want the $5 off! Where is my $5 off?" I pointed out to her yet again that she was getting a full $10 off, rather than $5. Again she shrieked, "I WANT THAT $5 OFF!!!"

Finally I said, "Are you really arguing with me about getting $10 off your groceries instead of $5?" At last reality set in and she realized what she'd been demanding and clammed up.

Tales From The Grocery: Cleanliness Is Next To Godliness

A year ago I got a second job as a cashier at a grocery store in order to pay off some bills. It was a miserable, humiliating and demoralizing experience in every measurable sense, and I got the hell out of there as soon as my bills were paid. I feel genuinely sorry for anyone who has to work in such a place.

Here is another terrifying Tale From The Grocery. All Tales are 100% true.

I reported for duty on my very first day at this grocery store. Right before I clocked in for the first time I went into the employee restroom.

While I was in there an employee wearing a deli uniform exited the one and only stall. He nodded as he walked past me and went right out the door without getting anywhere near the sink. Yes folks, a deli employee took a dump and didn’t wash his hands before returning to work. Think about that the next time you buy a pound of bologna.

I decided then and there that I would not be buying anything at this store, ever.

Tales From The Grocery: The Leak

A year ago I got a second job as a cashier at a grocery store in order to pay off some bills. It was a miserable, humiliating and demoralizing experience in every measurable sense, and I got the hell out of there as soon as my bills were paid. I feel genuinely sorry for anyone who has to work in such a place.

Here is another terrifying Tale From The Grocery. All Tales are 100% true.

A young couple came through my checkout line with a basket of groceries. Among the items they were buying was a gallon of milk. The woman saw a couple of drops of milk on the register belt and said, "Is that milk leaking?" I looked at the bottom of the milk jug, didn't see any leakage and said that it probably picked up a few stray drops from the milk cooler and continued to ring up their order.

Her boyfriend then picked up the gallon of milk and squeezed it between both hands as hard as he possibly could. His forearms were both horizontal as he applied vice-like pressure to it, his face contorted into a grimace as his neck muscles bulged out like taut cables. He squeezed and squeezed with all his might until a jet of milk shot straight out of the side of the jug. 

He then said, "See, she was right. It IS leaking!" I stared at him for a few seconds, shook my head in astonishment and muttered, "Jesus Christ!" I finished ringing them up and got them the hell out of my line as quickly as I could.

The strangest part? They never exchanged their jug of milk for a non-leaking version.

Tales From The Grocery: Mexican Coke

A year ago I got a second job as a cashier at a grocery store in order to pay off some bills. It was a miserable, humiliating and demoralizing experience in every measurable sense, and I got the hell out of there as soon as my bills were paid. I feel genuinely sorry for anyone who has to work in such a place.

Here is a terrifying Tale From The Grocery. Please note that all Tales are 100% true.

A woman came through my checkout line and bought four bottles of Mexican Coke. As you're no doubt aware, American Coke products all contain the dreaded high fructose corn syrup, while Mexican Coke still contains good old fashioned cane sugar. Many people say they can tell the difference and that the Mexican version tastes far superior.

As I rang up her items I decided to go against my better judgement and speak to her. I said “Gonna try the Mexican Coke, eh?” Instead of saying something like, “Yes, I thought I’d see what all the fuss was about,” she said in a quavering, worried voice, “D-do you think they’re OK to drink? I know you’re not supposed to drink their water down there, b-but do you think their Cokes are all right? Do you think they might make me have diarrhea?”

Sigh... That’s what I get for trying to make small talk with customers.